-You know, it can be hard to make big life decisions,
but I have someone here who can help.
It's time for "Life Coach with Jerry Seinfeld."
-♪ Life Coach with Jerry Seinfeld ♪
-I am joined now by Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry, are you there?
-Jimmy, I am here. I am ready.
Let's do some comedy!
-Jerry, you are not afraid to speak your mind.
I love hearing your take on things.
So we asked viewers at home -- -I do, too.
-To -- -I love my mind.
-Thank you. -And I love my take on things.
-We asked viewers at home to send in questions
that they need your coaching on.
Are you ready to give out some tough advice?
-I am. But I'm going to tell you right now,
my advice to most people with most questions
is just going to be,
shave your head, move to Phoenix.
-[ Laughing ] Okay, good.
-Just start over.
That's gonna be my advice 99% of the time,
no matter what your problem is.
-Yeah. I understand.
-Okay. But I love this kind of thing,
'cause I do have opinions on everything.
They're not correct. They're just mine.
-Okay. This first one --
"My girlfriend goes to bed early..."
-Yes. And you're also a moron,
because all you have to do is get in bed with her.
First of all, do what she wants to do.
If she wants to go to bed early, you go to bed early.
-Yeah. -She will fall asleep!
Then you get up and do what you want.
[ Laughter ]
Idiot!
-Exactly -- I told you --
That is exactly right. What are you doing --
Why are you causing a problem? -Yes, let her fall asleep!
She's never going to know.
[ Laughter ]
-Causing such a big problem while she's awake?
She's got -- Yeah, exactly. -Yeah.
You think she can hear your eyes open?
She can't.
[ Laughter ]
-Here's another question.
"My unemployed friend has been crashing at my place
for six months."
That's not the problem yet.
-You are not Paul McCartney.
You cannot let it be.
[ Laughter ] Tell this person --
You have to confront them, yes. You're going to do it --
You know, if you don't tell them about this,
you're going to act it out in other ways,
slamming cupboards
and, you know, knocking things over.
Get -- Tell him, "Look, this is bothering me."
Don't be so -- Don't be so weak.
And shave your head and move to Phoenix.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, here's one.
"My brother is about to have his first child..."
-No! Shut up. It's none of your business.
Saffron is a beautiful name.
It's a beautiful color.
None of your business.
And need I say... -Yeah.
-...shave your head and move to Phoenix.
-Yeah. No, no, you don't even have to say that. Yeah, exactly.
I like this one. "I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding..."
-Yeah. You can, but Cabo's pretty good.
I would go to Cabo. Why not? That's pretty good.
That's not a bad wedding place.
Anything you don't want to do is probably --
You're going to enjoy it.
That's -- That's my kind of M.O. in life.
Anything my wife wants me to do,
I absolutely don't want to do it,
and I'm always glad I did it.
-You don't -- For the most part, you don't want --
like to do things?
-No. Whatever -- Whatever anyone wants me to do,
I don't want to do it. If I want to do it,
if it was my idea, even that, I don't want to do.
[ Laughter ]
-So, if you have an idea of something you want to do --
-Yeah. -There's -- What percentage?
-50/50, I'm gonna like that.
-[ Laughs ] -And it's my idea.
-50/50. -So anybody else's idea --
That's why I can't stand vacations,
because a vacation is someone else's idea
of what you're going to like.
-Yeah. -They think you'll like this.
They think you want to zip-line and kayak.
[ Laughter ]
-You go, "Do I look like the guy who zip-lines and kayaks?"
-Zip-line is like, you know, like --
like I need to know what it feels like to be dry cleaning.
That's what zip-lining is.
I want to have that experience. I would do a zip-line
where after the zip-line, they put me in clear plastic
and on a hook in the back of somebody else's car
back to the hotel.
Give me the full experience of being dry cleaning.
[ Laughter ]
-"Jerry, I've been secretly
using my girlfriend's expensive shampoo..."
-Ah, good. I like that.
Yeah.
No. There are other things you do that make you a bad person,
but not this. [ Laughter ]
This -- This, I like.
Screw her. Screw the fancy shampoo people.
-Yeah. -Keep the scam going
as long as you can.
I think it's very creative.
Very inventive. [ Laughter ]
-"Very creative." You are ridiculous.
[ Giggles ]
Alright. Here we go. Last one here.
"We've been ordering lots of takeout during the last year..."
-This is -- Again, this is so simple.
I cannot believe the stupidity of this.
Just take a bottle of ketchup
and open each one and put it in.
Put it in.
And let her catch you doing that.
-And then if she -- Yeah. -Let her find you,
when she comes home from work, sitting there...
-Doing that all day long. -...putting them in
one after the other. But, yeah,
maybe you and the shampoo guy could hang out.
-Or -- -Or --
-Shave your head and move to Phoenix.
-Thank you very much.
That's all the time we have for "Life Coach."
My thanks to the great Jerry Seinfeld!