Hello, I am Samantha Bee, welcome to Full Frontal. On Tuesday we witnessed the most
important election event of Tuesday ever
Hey, can I call you Joe?
They have a gay daughter
I am gonna be positive tonight
Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy
Who am I? Why am I here?
With all due respect, that's a bunch of malarkey.
you whipped out that Mexican thing again
it was an epic showdown between Trump's
conservative beard, Mike Pence. A man who
tried as hard as he could to turn
Indiana into A Handmaid's Tale theme
park and Hillary Clinton's carebear Tim
Kaine who I don't know
looks like he has his own line of frozen
breakfast sausages. Remind me why is
Senator not Elizabeth Warren on the
ticket?
Hillary told me why she asked me to be a
running mate. She said to me, you've been
a missionary and civil rights lawyer,
even a city councilman and Mayor, you've
been a lieutenant governor and governor
and now a U.S. Senator
oh no she did not. She said, you're from a
swing state, get your bilingual ass over here.
Both candidates passed the test of looking
vice-presidential, whatever the hell that
means. Right up to the moment when they
opened their mouths
(incoherently speaking over each other)
(MODERATOR) Gentlemen, the people at home cannot understand either one of you when you speak over each other.
Hey, it's no walk in the park when you speak one at a
time, either.
I was in Washington DC on 9/11
I saw the clouds of smoke rise from the
Pentagon-- (KAINE) I was in Virginia where the
Pentagon's located. (PENCE) I know you were.
I flew the plane! Wait.
America's assistant youth pastor
could have won the debate without saying
a word
Sadly, Kaine let the bright lights of the
big boys stage get the best of him and
spent the evening barking like an
overeager puppy who had been given one
too many treats for his "speak" trick
Tens of thousands of people in this country
(KAINE INTERRUPTING) and and paid few taxes and lost a billion dollars
Accepting contributions
from foreign governments (KAINE) you are Donald Trump's apprentice.
(talking over each other)
(PENCE) While she was Secretary (KAINE) ok now I can weigh in
Down boy
don't make me crate you! When Kaine gets
mad he starts sputtering like Pence is his
daughter's teacher who sent her home for
wearing a tank top. Which, to be fair,
Pence did right before the debate. It was
his big night, he can't be distracted
with sinful woman shoulders. But Pence
showed himself to be an able running
mate, in the sense of running away from
everything Trump has ever said
Vladimir Putin
Donald Trump and Mike Pence have
said he's a great leader and Donald
Trump has-- (PENCE) No we haven't.
More nations should get nuclear weapons
Don't put words in my mouth, (KAINE) Try to defend that (PENCE) Well he never said that
Donald Trump and I would never support
legislation that punished women who made
the heartbreaking choice to end a
pregnancy (KAINE)Then why did Donald Trump say that?
(PENCE) We just never would (KAINE) why did he say that?
well look, it's, it's like, he's not a
polished politician like you and Hillary Clinton
Yeah, no shit, he's just a rich asshole who wants
to be king of America. Pence lied all
night, but he did it in such a soothing FM
radio voice, he never lost his cool, which
is weird because no one has ever accused
homophobic race Bannon of being cool
of course caring about the vice
president's calm temperament when an
erratic rage quasar is at the top of the
ticket is kind of like asking a car
salesman about the airbags on a car that
is currently on fire
Little bit reassuring but kind of beside the
point
Kaine's losing strategy was to spend the
whole night telling us what we already
knew about Trump, instead of what we
ought to know about Pence
(MODERATOR) I do have one final question for you both tonight
Oh, is it, Governor Pence,
what about your push for anti-gay
religious freedom laws and your disgust
for the pathological condition of gaydom
and your support for gay conversion
therapy and your attacks on women's
health and your unconstitutional
anti-abortion initiatives and, oh I'm sorry
we're out of time. I'll just put you down
for: "my faith is important to me"
the pundits were unanimous in their
eagerness for this election to be over
I saw another candidate on that stage last
night, I saw Pence 2020
He's made himself probably the frontrunner for the
Republican nomination in 2020
He threw Trump under the bus
Pence is running in 2020
No! we are not starting a 2020
election now, my contract says I get two
years of telling jokes about fun stuff,
like rape and death and poverty before
Election Hell starts all over again
now look, Pence is a year younger than
Kaine, and he had a good night
so why is Pence the one who looks
like he drank from the wrong grail at
Trump's penthouse?
my guess is that Tim got a post debate
phone call from his boss saying that's okay
little amigo, get up off the mat and go
charms of Miami Cubans. While Pence, who
committed the unpardonable sin of
winning too good
probably woke up to a congratulatory
horse head in his bed.
Which is the second most horrifying
thing the governor's gotten into bed
with. We'll be right back