Hey I'm Lisa and welcome back to my channel! And in today's video I want to
provide you some very practical strategies for supporting a loved one
with mental illness. So this coming Wednesday January 30th is Bell Let's Talk.
This is an amazing initiative to raise awareness around mental health in Canada
and for the last two years my husband I participated in some of the media
segments that go to support this very important campaign. So if you want to get
caught up on our story and how we realized that mental illness was very
much prevalent in our marriage, I'll put some of those videos in the cards. But
very quickly, we encountered depression and anxiety in a very serious way about
year five of our marriage, and what I would say is for the last five six years
now is that we have been working hard to design our life so that we can not (just)
"survive" mental illness, but thrive with mental illness. I want to begin this
video and share that everyone's mental illness journey is different, but what I
do think is universal are some of the ways that someone can practically
support a loved one with mental illness. Step one is you need to bring in outside
help. And what do I mean by this? If you're a momma listening to this- and I
believe this goes for everybody, not just if your spouse has mental illness but
EVERYBODY needs to bring in some help. Who is doing all the laundry? Who is doing
all the dishes? Who is giving you a little bit of a break because when you
are the spouse of someone with mental illness? Sometimes you are carrying the
load, sometimes it's heavy and you need rest, and you and your partner need rest.
That's a really important element of this as well, and so to bring in somebody
who can free you up a little bit, whether it be asking your mom to come over, you
know, every single Saturday and help you with some laundry and some dishes so
that you and your spouse can go and have a coffee. Or hiring a babysitter who can
come over (even if it's just once a week) and give you a couple of hours where you
can just lie in a room and be quiet or watch Netflix for four hours. Whatever
you want. I think, again, take mental illness out of the equation completely- I
think it's really difficult when a husband and a wife only rely on each
other to take breaks. I just think it's unrealistic, and I think that's where
resentment builds up a lot. When we're sort of relying on our partner but we
haven't really communicated our needs or we haven't really communicated like what
we're expecting of them, we're just expecting them to get it.
Add mental illness to the picture and it's like a whole other, like, can of
worms that it's not really... it's yet another thing, it's not really fair to
expect of your spouse. If I can be so bold to say that I just think, hands down,
it's so important that you bring in help and also just give you and your spouse a
little bit of time and space to be together, I think is so important. So my
first practical strategy is to bring in help for the house and for childcare. The
second very practical thing I would say to support a spouse or a loved one with
mental illness is to help them remember who they are. This is just my experience
but I think it's also the experience of other people who love a person that has
mental illness: when they are in the depths of depression, for example, because
that's the mental illness that I know, when they're in depression and in
anxiety they are not seeing themselves clearly. So they might be seeing
themselves as worthless, they might be seeing themselves as a burden to the
home... I believe it's our role, it's our job as the people who love them to
remind them of who they really are. To sort of take off this distorted view the
way they're seeing themselves and to bring that person back to the way that
you see, them the way that their friends see them, the way that the rest of the
world sees them I think this is like the magic key.
But this is also really difficult because as I mentioned in practical
point number one, sometimes you're doing this alone, and so
I think resentment can be high sometimes and it's a hard thing when you're
feeling like you're resenting this person to also love them and bring them
out of themselves. But I would just encourage you as a person who loves them
to let love win. I have a friend who literally got a piece of art
commissioned and she hung it above her bed and it's a phrase that really
connects her in her spouse. I'm actually gonna try to find... hang on really quick
Oh here, oh my gosh, this is so beautiful. Ohhh this is so beautiful. So I just found the phrase
that my friend put above her bed and it's so beautiful. And this is what's so
important. Whether you use these words or other words, but this is what especially
a spouse... this is what a spouse needs to hear when they are in the depths of
mental illness. "I choose you, and I'll choose you over
and over, without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I'll keep choosing you
and I choose you in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of
life, I'd find you and I choose you." When someone is in the depths of mental
illness they feel like crap. They feel like they're a burden, they feel like, and
this is what my husband tells me, it could be different for everybody but
this is what I've come to understand about mental illness. It kicks you where
you hurt and makes you feel horrible about yourself. And so I think as people
who love these people, if we can just do our best to remind them that we choose
them, like, those are really powerful words. So I'd encourage you to find words
that help your spouse just remember how much you love them.
The third practical thing that I think we can do as people who support
the one with mental illness is to not compare them. I remember I used to put
immense amounts of pressure on my husband to do many things (laughter) just like, full stop. I
am a choleric in temperament, which means that I really like control. I
really like things my way. And so, you name it, I had preferences about how my
husband would do things, how he put a napkin on his lap, the way that we would
go out in public at parties, the way... what we would do on like a Sunday
afternoon. I had all kinds of preferences, and so again, take mental illness out of
it- I constantly had expectations of my husband. One of the things that I have
found and that I know other people find with mental illness is that sometimes
social engagements look very different than the way that you had intended. So
there have been many a party, many a gathering, many a dinner event where my
husband and I have either chosen not to go because of a... you know, challenging
bout of anxiety, or we're at the very last minute he has cancelled and I have
gone alone. This used to really frustrate me, and this used to make me just
constantly compare to other people. "Oh, look, So-and-so get to go and relax
together. Look at how much fun they're having." And what I wish I could have
known then is what I know now: is that forcing my husband to live up to an
expectation that I have is not fair. I like to liken this to you know any other
physical disability because mental health is health! So for example if my
husband was in a wheelchair, let's just say and we had to make accommodations
like a ramp in my house or an elevator or what-have-you. We would make those
kinds of accommodations and I wouldn't be mad about it. I wouldn't be mad at him
about it because he cannot help that he's in a wheelchair. It would not be
fair or kind or compassionate of me if I were to be mad at him for being in
a wheelchair. I think mental illness is similar. There are things that are just
natural limitations when a person has mental illness, and it's not really fair
if we get frustrated or mad at them for it. Can you be frustrated? Absolutely, of
course. If you are a person like me who is very social and likes to engage, you
know, in group activities, and you want your spouse there with you, of course I
understand that that can be frustrating. Could you also just give up your
preference in that manner? Can you still go have fun on your own? If you're an
extrovert and a sanguine (I'm a sanguine choleric) you're gonna have fun anyways
even if you go alone because you love people, you know what I mean? And rather
than put the pressure and compare your spouse to either other people or to a
previous version of themselves, I just don't think that is fair. And it's
definitely not going to set your relationship up for success. It requires
sacrifice and it definitely requires relenting of your preferences in a lot
of ways. But if you can think that you're putting your spouse's preference, you're
putting his health ahead of your preferences, I think that can be really
helpful. The fourth way I think that someone can
practically support a spouse or a loved one with mental illness is: to resist the
urge to be resentful. This one is really hard because mental illness can
sometimes suck life out of marriage, can suck life out of a person. Sometimes
mental illness puts the brakes on a lot of things and so resentment, I think, from
what I've experienced both in myself as well as in other people that I've talked
to, that resentment can just fester. So number one, this is a normal and
natural feeling. Resentment happens in all marriages, it's not like, you know
this is... this is just a normal part of human beings being in relationship
resentment can happen. But I think where mental illness is concerned, I think it's
really important that resentment is, like, addressed. Because if it festers
for too long I think it's just kind of a recipe for disaster.
So how do we actually not let resentment win? Again, we let love win and this might...
this might sound like cliche, and just like rhetoric, but it's truth: I
think when we can see that some of our relenting of preferences, that some of our
you know, sacrifices that we do need to make, some of the modifications or
changes that we need to make in life, if we can see that sacrifice, as love, I
believe that resentment can go away. And if you have a Christian understanding of
life I also think if you invite God into this and ask him for the strength to get
through all of this, that can curb resentment 100 percent as well. Maybe
there are ways if you can't work it out together, are there other things that you
can do? Like for example ,what I said in point 1, bringing in outside help so that
perhaps resentment isn't happening around things like laundry and dishes
and picking up, you know, around the house that can be like, I would love for you to
just consider right now is that the point that's like the sticking point?
That's causing conflict? That's actually kind of an easy fix if you have someone
that you can call on for support! And again I'm not saying this is easy, but
I'm saying that I think in this case that we let love win as opposed to
resentment. And then the fifth practical thing I think that someone who is
supporting a loved one who mental illness can do is: to ensure they're
getting rest and help themselves. We provide a lot of care, we provide a
lot of support, and so we can't give from an empty well. So what could support for
you look like? Support for you could look like insuring you're getting okay sleep,
ensuring that you're eating well, ensuring that the things that you
and control, like eating, like exercise, are happening in regular ways. And I've
got all kinds of other videos on this topic, you know, because I understand how
hard it is. I've got seven kids, I get it. I've been on a whole fitness and food
journey and I'll link those videos for you in the cards, but I totally get that
it's hard. But the things that you can control, I would encourage you to ensure
that you are taking care of yourself and getting the encouragement and support
that you need. And then one thing that I find is really helpful in Canada- there
are support lines that you can call. They are, you know, anonymous, you don't need
anything to qualify to spend some time with these people on the phone, but
literally you can call a support line where someone will just listen, and you
can just talk. I have found this so helpful when I haven't been in regular
counselling or therapy myself, if I just sort of on a one-off, or I'm feeling very
burnt out and really need someone to listen, you can call these lines and
someone will just be a supportive ear, a non-judgmental, a non problem-solving
just a supportive ear. And sometimes that's all we need as the people who are
supporting a loved one with mental illness. You definitely don't want to
suffer alone and if this is you or someone you love I just want you to know
that you are not alone. There is always hope! If you liked this
video I would love for you to give it a big thumbs up and to hit that SUBSCRIBE
button. And Cheers to designing your beautiful life.