WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LAST NIGHT WE WITNESSED HISTORY AS BARACK OBAMA DELIVERED HIS
STIRRING FAREWELL ADDRESS, JOINING THE PANTHEON OF
PRESIDENTS IN CELEBRATING NOT ONLY WHAT THEY'VE DONE FOR
AMERICA, BUT THEIR VISION OF WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR OUR
GREAT COUNTRY.
IT WAS A TRULY MOVING EXPERIENCE.
AND I JUST HAVE TO SAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP FOR A
SECOND.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE, THERE'S A STORY AHU, IT
CAME OUT IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.
AND PARDON THE EXPRESSION, IT IS JUICY.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST NIGHT-- HERE'S WHAT
HAPPENED-- CNN REPORTED THAT LAST FRIDAY INTELLIGENCE CHIEFS
PRESENTED TRUMP WITH CLAIMS OF RUSSIAN EFFORTS TO COMPROMISE
HIM.
I GOTTA SAY, THAT IS AN AWKWARD FIRST MEETING WITH YOUR NEW
BOSS.
"HEY, LOOKING FORWARD TO WORKING TOGETHER.
WATER COOLER'S DOWN THE HALL.
WE HEARD THAT YOU'RE THE PUPPET OF A HOSTILE FOREIGN GOVERNMENT.
BARBARA VALIDATES PARKING ANY TIME YOU NEED IT.
ANY QUESTIONS?" WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET ALONG.
IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT!
INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS PREPARED A TWO-PAGE SUMMARY OF
ALLEGATIONS THAT RUSSIAN OPERATIVES CLAIM TO HAVE
COMPROMISING PERSONAL AND FINANCIAL INFORMATION ABOUT
MR. TRUMP.
TRUMP RECEIVED THESE DOCUMENTS AS PART OF HIS INTELLIGENCE
BRIEFING, SO WE KNOW ONE THING FOR SURE: HE DIDN'T READ THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF EFFORT, A LOT OF
EFFORT.
AND TRUMP IMMEDIATELY DENIED THE REPORT, TWEETING, "INTELLIGENCE
AGENCIES SHOULD NEVER HAVE ALLOWED THIS FAKE NEWS TO LEAK
INTO THE PUBLIC.
ONE LAST SHOT AT ME.
ARE WE LIVING IN NAZI GERMANY?" SO TRUE.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
HE'S GOT-- THAT IS SO TRUE.
WE ALL REMEMBER HOW UNFAIR NAZI GERMANY WAS TO THEIR CHARISMATIC
LEADER.
THOSE PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS GOING "TALK TO THE HAND!"
( APPLAUSE ) SO RUDE.
NO!
BUT TRUMP IS RIGHT IN THIS ONE WAY:
EVERYONE ADMITS THIS REPORT IS UNVERIFIED.
THIS MAN IS ABOUT TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
SO I'M NOT GOING TO VALIDATE THAT REPORT BY SHARING THE MOST
SALACIOUS DETAILS FROM IT, EVEN THE DETAIL EVERYONE'S TALKING
ABOUT.
YOU MIGHT CALL IT THE NUMBER ONE DETAIL.
I THINK THIS IS JUST AN UNFORTUNATE LEAK.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S MAKING A HUGE MESS.
AND I KNOW I'M BEING A WET BLANKET, BUT REPORTING ON THIS
IS THE WORST KIND OF YELLOW JOURNALISM.
EVEN THOUGH JOKES ABOUT THIS STORY ARE A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY,
I WON'T DO IT.
NOT TO SAY THE STORY DIDN'T MAKE A HUGE SPLASH.
IT DID.
IT FLOODED TWITTER.
WE'LL KEEP YOU UPDATED AS FACTS TRICKLE IN.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE OUR BEST RESEARCHER
WORKING ON IT.
SHE'S A REAL WHIZZ.
AND ONE THING IS FOR SURE-- THE PRESIDENT-ELECT IS A
GOLDWATER REPUBLICAN WHO BELIEVES IN TRICKLE-DOWN.
HE HAS THE RESPECT OF OUR EMERGENCY SERVICE WORKERS WHO
GAVE HIS PLANE A WATER SALUTE.
TRUMP HAS EVEN DENIED ALLEGATIONS LIKE THIS BEFORE IN
THE STRONGEST OF TERMS.
>> NO P.P.
>> Stephen: SO NO, NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE ANY JOKES, NOT
EVEN A WEE ONE.
SO I'M CUTTING IT OFF NOW.
I AM FINISHED. WAIT!
A LITTLE MORE IS COMING OUT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.
IT HAPPENS SOMETIMES.
BUT AFTER EIGHT YEARS OF LISTENING TO TRUMP MAKE
UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIMS ABOUT OBAMA'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE, I
DON'T THINK THIS MATTERS IF THIS IS TRUE OR NOT, BECAUSE THE FACT
IS, IT'S OUT THERE, AND THAT MEANS, MR. TRUMP, YOU'RE IN
TROUBLE.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WE'RE DONE.
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL OF THIS CRAZINESS TODAY, TRUMP HELD HIS
FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE IN 168 DAYS.
FUN FACT: THE LAST TIME TRUMP HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE, HE
ASKED HIS FRIENDS TO HELP HIM BY HACKING HILLARY CLINTON.
>> I WILL TELL YOU THIS, RUSSIA, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, I HOPE
YOU'RE ABLE TO FIND THE 30,000 EMAILS THAT ARE MISSING.
>> Stephen: THOSE WERE SIMPLER TIMES.
REMEMBER THAT?
NO, NO, THOSE WERE LOVELY-- THOSE WERE SIMPLER TIMES WHEN WE
THOUGHT RUSSIA TOOK ORDERS FROM TRUMP.
IT'S JUST-- I MISS THEM.
WHEN TRUMP TOOK TO THE PODIUM, HE WAS QUICK TO ATTACK WHOEVER
PRODUCED THE UNVERIFIED REPORT.
>> IT WAS A GROUP OF OPPONENTS WHO GOT TOGETHER, SICK PEOPLE,
AND THEY MUTT THAT CRAP TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: SIR, NOT CRAP, BUT CLOSE.
>> Jon: OOOH!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: AND TRUMP, OF
COURSE, DEFENDED HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH RUSSIA.
>> IF PUTIN LIKES DONALD TRUMP, I CONSIDER THAT AN ASSET, NOT A
LIABILITY.
>> Stephen: SIR, AT THIS POINT, I THINK WE ALL CONSIDER YOU A
RUSSIAN ASSET.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND-- THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
I THINK THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S POSITIVE.
AND HE EXPLAINED JUST WHY HE WANTS TO WORK WITH RUSSIA.
>> RUSSIA CAN HELP US FIGHT ISIS, WHICH IS, BY THE WAY, IS
NUMBER ONE TRICKY.
>> Stephen: "NUMBER ONE TRICKY," BY THE WAY, IS THE OFFICIAL NAME
FOR WHAT THOSE WOMEN DID IN THAT RUSSIAN HOTEL ROOM, ALLEGEDLY.
ALLEGEDLY!
IT'S ON THE ROOM SERVICE MENU: "I'LL HAVE THE NUMBER ONE TRICKY
AND A COBB SALAD, PLEASE.
HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?
WILL THAT BE A LONG TIME?" BUT TRUMP QUICKLY MOVED BEYOND
THE ALLEGATIONS TO REMIND US WHY WE VOTED FOR HIM-- BECAUSE HE'S
A GREAT NEGOTIATOR.
>> WE DON'T MAKE GOOD DEALS ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, LIKE HOW WE TRADED OBAMA FOR THE WORLD'S
LOUDEST TROLL DOLL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TERRIBLE DEAL.
TERRIBLE.
THE PROBLEM WITH UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMORS LIKE TRUMP BEING RUN BY
THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT IS HOW DO YOU POSSIBLY DISPEL THEM?
AND HERE'S THE THING.
I-- I-- I ONLY FEEL FOR DONALD TRUMP A LITTLE BIT HERE BECAUSE
HE BROUGHT THIS ON HIMSELF.
AND I HAVE A SUGGESTIONS, MR. TRUMP, OF HOW TO GET RID OF
IT.
JUST DO THE THING YOU HAVE NEVER DONE, WHICH IS SAY ANYTHING
PUTIN WOULDN'T LIKE, ALL RIGHT, THAT WOULD PROVE THEY'RE NOT
RUNNING YOU.
BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER SAID ANYTHING PUTIN DOESN'T LOVE.
CRITICIZE THE INVASION OF UKRAINE.
( APPLAUSE ) CRITICIZE TAKING AWAY THE
CRIMEA.
CRITICIZE HIM KILLING JOURNALISTS.
RAISE SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA.
SAY PUTIN'S NIPPLES LOOK LIKE PENCIL ERASERS.
SAY ANYTHING, ANYTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT HIM.
I DARE YOU, BECAUSE I BET YOU WON'T!
, OF COURSE, TRUMP COULD IMMEDIATELY CLEAR UP ANY
QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH RUSSIA IF HE JUST
RELEASED HIS TAX RETURNS.
>> I'M NOT RELEASING TAX RETURNS BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
UNDER AUDIT.
>> Stephen: SIR, I REALLY, REALLY DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO
WORRY ABOUT THE AUDIT ANYMORE.
ONCE YOU GET THE LAUNCH CODES, YOU CAN DO THE E-Z FORM.
ALTHOUGH, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO MEET THE I.R.S. AGENT WITH
THE BALLS BIG ENOUGH TO AUDIT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
I DON'T KNOW WHO IT IS, BUT HE WOULDN'T EVEN NEED A DESK.
HE COULD JUST REST THE FORMS ON HIS SCROTUM.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT GOING TO AUDIT YOU.
WHERE WAS I?
WHAT I TALKING ABOUT?
OH, BARACK OBAMA.
RIGHT.
LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT OBAMA GAVE HIS FAREWELL ADDRESS TO THE
NATION, WHICH WILL BE FOLLOWED BY THE REPUBLICANS' FAREWELL
ADDRESS TO EVERYTHING HE DID.
IT WAS A GRACIOUS SPEECH, AND OBAMA REAFFIRMED HIS COMMITMENT
TO THE PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF POWER.
>> I COMMITTED TO PRESIDENT-ELECT TRUMP THAT MY
ADMINISTRATION WOULD ENSURE THE SMOOTHEST POSSIBLE TRANSITION,
JUST AS PRESIDENT BUSH DID FOR ME.
>> Stephen: AND JUST AS PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL FOR
VLADAMIR PUTIN.
ABSOLUTELY SMOOTH.
GREASE THE SKIDS.
THE PRESIDENT REMINDED US OF HIS MANY FOREIGN POLICY
ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
>> FOR THE PAST EIGHT YEARS, I'VE WORKED TO PUT THE FIGHT
AGAINST TERRORISM ON A FIRM LEGAL FOOTING.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE ENDED TORTURE, WORKED TO CLOSE GITMO.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON A SECOND.
YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED SOME STUFF, BUT, "WORKED TO CLOSE
GITMO?" DOES HISTORY GIVE PARTIAL
CREDIT?
SORRY, YOU DON'T GET A PRIZE FOR GOOD INTENTIONS.
I MEAN, OTHER THAN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
A COMMUNITY ORGANIZER TO THE VERY LAST, HE URGED PEOPLE TO
GET INVOLVED.
>> IF YOU'RE TIRED OF ARGUING WITH STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET,
TRY TALKING WITH ONE OF THEM IN REAL LIFE.
>> Stephen: YEAH!
GET OFF THE INTERNET AND TALK TO EVERYONE IN REAL LIFE.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: TALK TO PEOPLE IN REAL-- TALK TO PEOPLE IN REAL
LIFE BECAUSE IT'S ONLY WAY THE RUSSIANS CAN'T HEAR YOU.
AND THAT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S ONLY CALL TO ACTION.
>> ALL OF US, REGARDLESS OF PARTY, SHOULD BE THROWING
OURSELVES-- >> Stephen: OFF OF A CLIFF AND
INTO THE OCEAN?
YOU GOT IT, CHIEF!
IT'S BEEN AN HONOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'M SORRY WAS-- I'M SORRY, WAS
THERE MORE OF THAT.
>> --SHOULD BE THROWING OURSELVES INTO THE TASK OF
REBUILDING OUR DEMOCRATIC INSTITUTIONS.
>> Stephen: OOOO!
THAT SOUND LIKE A LOT OF WORK.
THAT'S GONNA TAKE FOREVER.
CAN'T I JUST RETWEET A PETITION OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
OF COURSE, PRESIDENT OBAMA, TOTAL CROWD PLEASER, HAD TO
NAME-DROP THE MOST POPULAR PERSON IN THE WORLD...
>> MICHELLE, YOU MADE THE WHITE HOUSE A PLACE THAT BELONGS TO
EVERYBODY.
AND A NEW GENERATION SETS ITS SIGHTS HIGHER BECAUSE IT HAS YOU
AS A ROLE MODEL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO YOU HAVE MADE ME PROUD AND
YOU HAVE MADE THE COUNTRY PROUD.
( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO SAY
TO MY WIFE, HONEY?
WHAT HE SAID.
I SHOULD'VE SAID IT FIRST.
ALSO, I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN OUT THE RECYCLING THIS MORNING.
JIMMY, CAN WE SEE THAT LAST MOMENT AGAIN.
THIS YOU GO.
HERE COME THE WATER WORKS...
IS ANOTHER PHRASE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WANT TO HEAR IN THE
NEXT ADMINISTRATION.
ALLEGEDLY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
JUDE LAW IS HERE.
STICK AROUND!