If we've learned anything in American politics,
it's that the fastest way to win a debate is bring a bunch
of dead white guys with you.
[LAUGHTER]
But the people running for president
on the Democratic side are talking about assault weapons
ban and gun confiscation.
That is the exact thing that the Founding Fathers
wrote the Second Amendment about, to protect
us from those Democrats.
We need to go back to our Founding Fathers--
The way that our Founding Fathers intended.
Founding Fathers--
SEAN HANNITY: By the way, turn off the air conditioner.
Start sweating like the rest of America.
You know what?
Use fans like our Founding Fathers and framers did.
[LAUGHTER]
The thought of Hannity making sweat angels on his bed
should be enough to make you question everything.
And if it doesn't, maybe this will.
Yes, the Founding Fathers, creators of the Constitution.
So it's no wonder politicians are always making
points by invoking them, right?
Otherwise, it'd be really scary that today's technically
advanced, massively diverse USA is
relying on the 18th century's hottest takes.
Hear ye, hear ye.
Before the founders issue a decree on net neutrality,
they would like to know what kind of rope
this net is made of.
[LAUGHTER]
Is it hemp?
Fish guts?
SAMANTHA BEE: But let's be clear about one thing.
They were not gods.
Let's get the big one out of the way.
[APPLAUSE]
Most of the guys who wrote America's moral code
thought it was fine to own another human being.
In fact, George Washington not only owed 124 slaves,
he leased another 40 from his neighbor.
I cannot tell a lie.
I think people rental is fine.
I cannot tell a lie George could be a real ass-wig.
Enlightenment icon Ben Franklin?
One of his first big ideas for the electricity he
discovered-- killing turkeys with it,
and almost killing himself while trying it out.
And later, Professor Knee Socks proposed
eliminating six letters from the alphabet,
including C and J. What an akass.
The Founders were also dumb ass fan boys.
On a diplomatic visit to England,
Jefferson and Adams vandalized Shakespeare's home,
chipping off a souvenir piece of his chair.
Speaking of signatures, the not at all
overcompensating John Hancock?
A smuggler who made a fortune in contraband teeth,
wine, and rock, who patriotically championed
a boycott of British goods that made those things even more
valuable.
Gouverneur Morris, who wrote the preamble to the Constitution,
died trying to clear a blockage from his penis
with a whale bone, which is crazy
since by 1806, standard treatment
was to simply drill a second hole in the side of the penis.
[LAUGHTER]
So the next time you hear a politician invoke the Founding
Fathers to defend their right to own a laser scope,
Wi-Fi enabled, military grade weapon that
can fire 800 rounds a minute, remember
James Madison, who wrote the Second Amendment,
lived in an era when it took a full minute just
to load a gun with one shot.
Plus he was shorter than Jeff Sessions.
All gods are at least 5'6".
That's just science.
The Founding Fathers did some pretty great things.
And yes, the Constitution was one of them.
But that document is not the infallible word of gods.
It's just the best a bunch of pretty smart dudes with lots
of competing, not always honorable interests,
could do to create a framework for American democracy
while not inconveniencing slave owners too much.
Also fun fact, they're dead and we're not.
So it's up is still alive us to deal
with our currently unfolding cowardice
and that's because they were not gods.
We'll be right back.
[APPLAUSE]