-Hi, and in this video,
we're going to talk about four questions
you can ask yourself to determine if the guy you're seeing
is a good fit for a relationship.
[music]
Hi there, Mat Shaffer, your connection, empowerment,
and relationship coach,
here to ask you four questions then you can ask yourself
about any man that you're getting to know
or you're thinking about getting into a relationship with,
to decide if they're a great fit for you to explore
a commitment with.
I talk about this with my clients a lot,
so I'm really looking forward to digging into it with you.
Before I do, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button.
I'm always uploading new stuff.
Be sure to click the link in the comments or the caption.
I got a great course in there,
some great training that's going to really make a difference
in your life and in your relationships.
Now, let's dive into this.
There are four questions that you can ask yourself
about this guy to really determine
is he a great fit for you.
Let me guess where you're at.
You've met a guy, you have a great connection,
or you think you have a great connection with him.
There's some chemistry there.
You're thinking, "This guy might be the one.
He might be Mr. Right,
or he might be someone that I really want to be
in relationship with," and you start craving that with him.
Let's pump the brakes,
[chuckles] and let's ask a couple important questions
and then decide if he's really a good fit
to be in a relationship with.
Now, the first question to ask is, "Is the timing right?"
Because there's a really important quote around this.
The right person at the wrong time
is still the wrong person.
You can have a great connection with somebody,
a great dynamic with somebody,
but if you were in different stages of life, say,
he's not ready for a relationship yet
and he's just in the early stages
of just wanting to get out there and date and be casual,
and you're firmly clear about what it is that you want,
the kind of relationship you're looking to create,
then you two, the timing doesn't work.
The timing doesn't work.
Even if you have an amazing dynamic,
it's going to end up being frustrating
to one or both of you.
Don't try to force him to get into the timing
that's congruent with you.
If the timing isn't there,
it's probably better to just walk away.
The next question to ask is,
"What is their capacity for intimacy?"
What do I mean by that?
When I'm talking about capacity for intimacy,
I'm really talking about attachment style.
It's really important for you to know your attachment style,
whether you're avoidant, anxious or secure,
because it's going to be important for you to connect
and build a relationship with somebody
who has a congruent attachment style to you.
That's really going to come down to capacity for intimacy.
Is this person capable of the sort of love
and the sort of connection that you need to be happy?
I invite you to take your attachment style test
and then look at whoever you are in relationship with,
whoever you're getting to know and ask yourself,
"What attachment style do they have?
Do I feel like I am getting
what I need in terms of intimacy?
Is my partner able to be vulnerable with me?
Is he able to be connected with me?
Is he able to communicate what he wants to be
in a meaningful way?
Are we able to satisfy each other emotionally?"
If you do not have the same capacity for intimacy,
you're going to frustrate each other.
Even if you have a connection,
it's probably not a good fit for a relationship.
The next question to ask is,
"Do you have compatible love languages?"
The love languages are very, very, very important,
and there's five distinct love languages:
physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation,
quality time, and gifts.
There are five different love languages and you are going
to have your own specific ones that are most important
to you as is your partner.
You want to make sure
that you have compatible love languages and you're able
to honor each other's love languages in an effective way.
If your love languages are radically different,
say, he's really into gifts and gifts
are like the absolute last thing
you like to do to express love,
you're much more about quality time or experiences
or anything like that, then you're going to have
There's going to be an issue there.
It's going to take a lot of work for you two to share love
with each other in a meaningful way.
I'm not saying it can't be overcome,
but having congruent love languages makes a relationship
so much easier because it's all about being
in this for the long haul.
Having physical touch as both of a primary love language
for both you is really powerful, or whatever ones you have.
Look at your love languages
and if they're radically different,
maybe this isn't someone to be in a relationship with.
If they're similar, you've got a great fit on that level.
Lastly, and most importantly, I want you to ask yourself,
"How does he make you feel?"
Truly,
how do you feel about yourself when you're around him?
What is that energy that he's giving off towards you?
What is the way that he talks to you?
How does he respect you?
How does he cherish you?
By the end of every time that you're with him,
how do you feel about yourself?
Your emotional guidance system is really powerful.
If this is a man that you're considering
being in relationship with,
you really want to be with someone who really makes you feel
good about yourself, [chuckles]
who treats you the way you want to be treated,
and honors and loves and celebrates you
the way that you're worthy of.
That's another important question to ask yourself
before you consider getting into a committed relationship
with this guy.
You're with me?
To review, those four questions are,
is the timing right?
Are we in the same stage of life
and do we want the same things?
Do we have the same capacity for intimacy?
As in, what are our attachment styles?
Do we connect the same way
and are we able to love each other the same way?
Thirdly, what are our love languages?
Do we have congruent love languages?
Lastly, how do you feel when you're with him?
Does he make you feel celebrated, cherished, honored?
Do you feel better about yourself during
and after you're hanging out with them than you did before?
If you can answer yes to all four of these questions,
if you can say,
"Yes, we're in the same part of our lives,
we want the same things, we both have similar capacities
for intimacy and attachment style,
we have similar love languages,
they complement each other really well,
and I always feel amazing when I'm around him."
If you can answer, "Heck, yeah," to all four of those,
then chances are you got a guy that would be a great fit
for relationship.
If one or more of these are really off,
you really want to ask yourself,
"Is this somebody that I want to be in the trenches with
for the long haul?
[chuckles]
Is this somebody that I want to get
into a longer-term deeper commitment with?"
Because any one of these,
if they're not aligned can create
some real frustration for you.
I hope that this resonated with you.
If it did, take a second,
hit that little subscribe button and don't forget
to click the link in the comments or caption
for an awesome training I've created just for you.
I hope you enjoyed this and I'll see you next time
on my YouTube channel.
Bye-bye.