Cloud: Okay, this doesn't make any sense.
Why was Tifa riding in the back of that carriage, and why was she wearing that outfit?
Aerith: Oh, does she not normally dress that way?
Cloud: No, she's usually wearing less.
Aerith: Lovely..
Cloud: Hey man, did a girl in a blue dress pass by here?
Doorguy: Listen buddy, I see a lot of girls in a lot of different outfits.
Cloud: Okay, she has brown hair, about five foot four, looks twenty, long legs.
Doorguy: HMM-Yeah, that's not ringing any bells.
Cloud: ...Enormous tits and probably insulted you?
Doorguy: Oh yeah, her! She's got a mouth, yannow what I'm sayin'?!
Oh, the Don is gonna have a field day with her!
Aerith: Oh, are they going to pick flowers?
Doorguy: Nope, but there's gonna be a lot of plowin', you know what I mean?!
[ Cloud and Doorguy Laugh briefly ]
Cloud: Elaborate!
Dooryguy: This is Don Corneo's Girls Only Mansion! We, uh, pick up some girls for uh--
Doorguy: "auditions", and if the Don likes 'em, they, uh--
Doorguy: "Get the Job".
Cloud: Uh-oh.
Aerith: What kind of auditions? Like for dancing?
I did ballet for three years, so I'm SUPER flexible! Wanna see?
Doorguy: You don't say?! Wanna audition behind that cart over there?
Aerith: Do I?!
Cloud: [Forced Laugh] Nope, nope! Aerith, can I talk to you for a second?
Cloud: Aerith, would appear to me that Tifa has been kidnapped by a mafia leader
With the intention to give her...
...the sex.
Aerith: Oh, no! She can't do that 'til she's married!
Cloud: [Snrk] Yeah, okay. Anyways, she's in need of a rescue and since Cornholio's Mansion is girls only,
We need a plan.
Aerith: Hmm...Girls only? What if I go in and find her?
Cloud: Yeeeaaah...
No, you kind of got the whole "incorruptible purity" vibe going on,
and those guys'll probably eat you alive
Aerith: Like a Strawberry?
Cloud: If your name was Strawberry
Aerith: Well, you could protect me!
Cloud: Not unless I dressed up like a woman.
[ Aerith Gasps in Inspiration ]
Cloud: Okay, no.
Aerith: But you'd make a gorgeous woman!
Cloud: You're-just-saying-that.
Aerith: I bet you'd look like the most beautiful woman in the whooole world!
Aerith: I bet you'd look even prettier than Tifa!
Cloud: So what you're suggesting...
Is that not only would I be rescuing her,
But I'd also be way better-looking doing it...
Cloud: Hmm...
Aerith: I don't hear a no~
Aerith: Stay riiiight here, Mr. Doorman! I'll be bringing my blond friend!
Doorguy: Well, if she's at least half as pretty as your guy friend over there-
Cloud: O-kay, [Squelch] let's get going!
Aerith: Hi, mister! We need the prettiest dress in the world!
Giuseppe: Ahhh, you want a pretty dress-a? You come-a to Giuseppe, good-a choice!
Giuseppe: I make a dress-a for you, ah?
Aerith: Oh, no. It's not for me. It's for my friend here.
[ Whispers ] It's his first dress!
[ Giuseppe Gasps in Surprise ]
Giuseppe: Your-a first-a dress-a?!
Giuseppe: Oh, I make-a for you-a the greatest-a dress-a! In all-a the land-a!
Cloud: What's wrong with the ones you got out here?
Giuseppe: Bah, Giuseppe SPIT on-a those!
Giuseppe: Giuseppe make-a you a dress-a worthy for a man of your [unintelligible]...
Cloud: Giuseppe? You just made my good list!
Giuseppe: Ah! Giuseppe on-a everyone's good list-a, yeah-a.
Aerith: While he's making it, let's go find more stuff to doll you up!
Cloud: Sure. Let's ride this train all the way to the end.
Aerith: Next stop, wig central!
Aerith: Choo-Choo!
Cloud: Ok- no.
Wig/Drug Central Owner: As I have told you,
I sold my last wig to one of those weird buff dudes from the church.
All I have for sale now are drugs.
Aerith: Are you suuure?
Wig/Drug Central Owner: Yes.
VERY sure.
Drugs are all I have for sale.
Cloud: Maybe check the back?
Wig/Drug Central Owner: *sarcastic* Sure, let me take a look-
-NOPE, all drugs.
Aerith: Aaawwhh, look's like we've been derailed!
Cloud: Stop that.
Cloud: Where is this church?
Weird Guy: Welcome to the Church of Brodin
Have you come seeking swole-ceptance from the swole-father?
Cloud: Uh...... no? We heard you had a wig?
Weird Guy: You mean the crown of Golden Locks?
Cloud: Yeah... Think we could like... uh, borrow it?
Weird Guy: HA! You dare walk into the Iron Temple and demand the righteous Locks of Brodin!?
Aerith: Hmm... We challenge you for it!
Cloud: What?!
Weird Guy: A challenge... Hmmm, we are listening, Valkyrie...
Aerith: Cloud was in Soldier, so I bet he's really good at doing exercises. Like... Squats?
Cloud [Worried]: Aerith, what are you doing???
Weird Guy: A Glorious challenge...
We accept!!!
SQUATICLES!!!!!!
Squaticles: WHO SUMMONS THE MIGHTY SQUATICLES!?
Brodin Followers: [Fruity Gasping]
Brodin Follower #1: Oh My, he dare challenges the vascular quadricep-tacle prowess of Squaticles?
Brodin follower #2: Oh-ho~, I say he is f*cked in the head, bro.
Cloud: Do I really need to do some stupid exercise challenge just to borrow your wig?
Weird Guy: Indeed you do, outsider.
But tell us, Why do wish for these wicked-ass locks?
Aerith: We're turning him into a woman!
Weird Guy: Oh, well you can just take it if that's the case.
Cloud: Seriously?
Squaticles: Of course! No one should ever be challenged for their lifestyle.
Cloud: I feel like context is needed!
Weird Guy: Is there anything else we can help you with on your journey?
Aerith: Do you know any place we can get more girly stuff?
Squaticles: Squaticles knows a place!
Wig/Drug Central Owner: Once again...
Just drugs...
Cloud: You sure man...?
Wig/Drug Central Owner: Am I, the owner of my own store, sure that I have anything else besides drugs?
...Nahhhh, I'm pretty sure.
Aerith: Well do you know a place where we can find some girly stuff?
Wig/Drug Central Owner: I... Don't... Know! Why don't you try the Gentlemen's Club down the street?
Aerith: Gentlemen's Club? Wait, why would a club filled with gentlemen have-
Aerith: awwwwww......
Cloud: YEAHHAHAHAHA!!!
(Outro)