A while ago I did a video where I explained
the single biggest barrier to awareness.
I basically explained that people don't see things
when the seeing of that thing would cause them pain.
Obviously, the avoidance of seeing something,
because seeing that something would apply pain,
means that it is an avoidance strategy
and by definition therefore, a coping mechanism.
If you want to see the video to understand this deeper,
the video is titled:
The Single Biggest Barrier to Awareness
In every city that I go to,
people sit across from me in this intense frustration.
That they have certain truths,
truths that they feel are very important for other people to see,
but they cannot get these people to see.
This is an excruciating experience,
because it means that if people won't see something,
they won't make adjustments accordingly.
For example, let's say that we step on a cat's tail,
if we don't see that we're stepping on the cat's tail,
not only are we gonna continue to stand on it,
we're also going to tell ourselves the story
that the cat is insane, because it's screaming.
What people don't see,
is that they are fighting against resistance.
This is something we're all trained to do.
We meet opposition with equal or greater opposition.
We bulldoze it or continue to try to bypass it,
anything but try to resolve it directly.
When we do this, we don't get
that fighting against resistance is resisting resistance,
which will, of course, never work.
All resistance really is, by the way, is opposition.
But it serves as a shield
that makes it so that we can never fully be in a relationship
to whatever's behind the shield
I'm gonna give you a golden rule of thumb today;
It's that if somebody is in resistance to something,
immediately drop whatever your original aim was,
and focus instead,
entirely on the resistance that they hold.
If they refuse to accept something,
deal directly with the part of them that refuses to accept it.
If they're not seeing a truth,
stop trying to convince them of it,
and instead, directly address the resistance
to seeing the truth in the first place.
I have an image for you
that may serve to ingrain this concept in you deeper.
I want you to imagine that you're trying to dance with somebody
but every time you go try to dance with them,
they are swatting you away.
It's obvious, they're making it obvious
that they don't want to dance.
I want you to imagine that in that moment
there's a shield that comes up in between the two of you.
Now if you continue to try to dance with this person,
you're ignoring and bulldozing that shield in front of you.
So you need to step back
and instead deal with the shield itself
or deal with them
in understanding why the shield is there,
what it needs from you.
It's really through that experience
of dealing with the resistance that you figure out
what those little loopholes are
or ways that you can help that shield come down.
But it should go without saying,
that this should happen before you start trying to dance with them again.
This should be the way you go about communicating.
Continuing to use this analogy,
drawing the person's attention to this shield,
helps them to become aware.
It helps them to introduce awareness to their own resistance.
And this is what begins corroding it.
Like a light beam shining on a sheet of ice.
This is the necessary step to take
for acceptance to occur.
Acceptance is the opposite of denial and avoidance.
To accept something
is simply to see it as valid and correct.
Now to accept something has nothing to do
with whether you like what you're accepting.
It has nothing to do with whether you condone it or not.
it's simply:
"I see this as valid or correct enough,
that I'm going to open myself to the experience of it,
rather than close myself off to it."
Basically doing this,
makes your being consent to receiving it and digesting it as truth
instead of fighting to not acknowledge it and not take it in.
Something that may help you to not resist resistance,
is to realize that a person's resistance
always comes from a super vulnerable place.
These parts of somebody that are resistant to seeing a truth,
specifically resist seeing that truth because it would lead to pain.
Everybody wants to avoid pain.
I mean, that's like a natural inclination for human beings.
Therefore the parts of them that don't want to see
are trying to protect them. It's all we're trying to do.
And yes, this is even the case
when somebody is not seeing something
when you see and it's obvious to you
that them not seeing it actually makes them end up in more pain.
Basically, you got to try to remember
they're just trying to stay safe.
And the safer you can make them feel
in the circumstance the less resistance
they're gonna have to seeing something.
The less pain,
the more willing they are to see it.
To understand this concept and depth,
I want you to watch my video titled:
There Is No Such Thing As Self Sabotage.
Helping someone to see
and really explore their own resistance to seeing something,
is a bigger gift
and always will be
than you trying to show them
whatever it is you're trying to show them.
For example, let's say it's obvious to you
that this parent
is interacting with their child in really self-centered ways.
It's obvious to you they're projecting all of their own needs
and their own desires on the child
and holding the child accountable to those things.
You may want to make them see this,
but the thing is that if you drag that in front of their awareness,
it's gonna cause them to feel shame.
They're gonna go into instantaneous resistance
and they're gonna look at you and say:
"NO! You aren't seeing this correctly,
everything I do, I do for my child and their best interests."
If you're able to stop
and work with their resistance to seeing this in the first place,
just the resistance itself,
what this could actually do
is drastically alter their relationship
in all sectors of their life, to everything.
The reason that the shame would have been kicked up in this parent
is because they believe that being self-interested it is not okay.
Their own denial and refusal to see themselves as self centered
will affect all areas of their life,
not just their relationship with their child.
This awareness has the capacity to make this person
a different and more authentic person all around.
Someone who does not subconsciously
get his or her needs met in a roundabout
subconscious or manipulative way.
Within a person's resistance
is the key to their childhood pain and what really needs resolving.
In the above scenario,
the parent has a trauma around their own Self-interests.
The condemnation they experienced
when trying to meet their own needs directly
is what created this covert strategy of meeting their own needs
through their children and other people most likely.
This is what really needs resolving within them.
Become aware of what pain
or what painful changes
are indicated in a person's refusal
to see or feel or hear or accept something.
Become aware of what painful meaning
they're adding to an experience,
so that they will have no incentive to see it.
The more consciously willing they are to really faced that pain,
the more willing they will be
to open themselves up to awareness.
And the less painful you make it for them to do that,
the more open and willing they will be
to open themselves up to awareness.
I've got a better analogy I just came up with;
Imagine that you're trying to dance a waltz with someone,
and that person isn't having it,
because they're throwing up resistance.
and let's say the resistance they are throwing up
is that they're beginning to dance the tango.
Dance the tango with them instead.
Whenever you see resistance come up,
dance with the resistance.
Doing this means you have to get off your rigid stance
about the truth you're wanting them to see,
and instead, approach or deal with the resistance itself.
Do so with the energy and tonality and body language of curiosity.
From this place you can ask them,
if this thing were true and were the reality
what would be so bad about that?
If this thing were the actual truth or the actual reality,
what pain could a person avoid by refusing to see and accept it?
What would it mean about you or about the world?
You can help them from there,
to change their perspective relative to the answers they give.
You can help them to soften their resistance.
If you really want someone to see the truth,
you are never going to be able to just force them to see the truth.
Instead, you've got to show them their own resistance
to seeing the truth.
And help them to work with that resistance.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com