(guitar music)
- Welcome to Setlist 'standup without a net'
live at the Edinburgh Fringe festival.
(crowd cheers)
- Where some of the UK's favorite comedians
are coming on stage with no preparation whatsoever.
We'll tell them what they're going to be talking about
in stand up created in the moment and under pressure.
- For a comedian to be in a position where
you work for 25 years and then you're
back to feeling like you're doing your first gig,
there's a genuine feeling that you could fail, you know,
and people do fail.
Its very exciting to watch,
and I think its very exciting to do.
- Will you please welcome to the stage,
the brand new never before seen set list
of Mr. Richard Herring.
(crowd cheers)
- Hello, how's it going?
Who's had a drink?
(crowd cheers)
Me, mainly me, thank goodness.
Let's see how this goes.
So...
(crowd laughs)
I don't really know what Gumtree is.
So, when they discovered Jimmy Savil
had been fixing it for a lot of kids
(crowd laughs)
They (laughs)...
They had to think up a good name for the operation
to go catch the other celebrities.
To begin with there was the tossing up
between the name Uhtred, which obviously is nice
it's kind of an English name.
Some people say "why don't we make it a Gumtree",
'cause you know they are quite sticky, a lot of these guys.
(crowd laughs) And there's sort of sap
coming out of them going...
Any Chav tries to climb up them.
But they so no, they never wore a rubber.
So, it would be inappropriate.
If only I knew the reference. (crowd laughs)
Jesus Christ of course, the son of God.
He threw over those tables in the temple, he got very cross.
It was the only time he lost his temper with some tables.
Which is ironic he was a carpenter,
you'd think he would like tables and have respect for them,
but he didn't he hated those tables.
That was his main problem.
I mean he could have fixed them,
that's the thing, he could have fixed them
afterwords and he, and he didn't.
And the disciples were annoyed with
Jesus's carpentry based hypocrisy.
Judas especially, but I think Judas was
very annoyed at the wilful destruction of tables
from a man of peace, and so he organized
a party for Jesus that he thought would teach him a lesson.
In quite and extraordinary way.
(crowd laughs)
So he got together with his friends
Pontius Pilate and some Roman guards.
This was all part of the rouse.
Jesus at this stage had no idea what's going on.
It was like he just...
They were essentially those Roman guards
with just the Bethlehem equivalent of strippers.
(crowd laughs)
(stutters)
The police, when they're just guys dressed up
going "yeah pretend to be Roman guards".
And so one of the disciples lopped off one of them ears
and he was furious about that because of course he was just
doing his job of organizing this crusifixion party,
this was the buildup to it.
Luckily Jesus could magic his ear back on,
that was the good thing about Jesus.
He was useful to have around, in the case of minor injuries.
That was... (crowd laughs)
I didn't feel Jesus did enough work
in his ability to cure everyone.
So, slightly selfish, he cures
about 14 lepers in his time on Earth.
Left quite a lot of lepers with leprosy.
That was.. Some people say he's amazing
I say he's a bit of a cunt to be honest.
(crowd laughs)
But he cured that bloke's ear and thank fuck for that
because they would have lost their deposit with it,
(crowd laughs) with the strippers,
and then it was alright.
Surprise don't worry Jesus,
we've got a great surprise lined up for you.
And Jesus was pleased about it really,
'cause if you think about it, if Jesus hadn't been crucified
if there hadn't been this crucifixion party for him
our souls wouldn't have been saved.
So in a way didn't Judas do us all an enormous favor?
Did... I mean he saved our souls,
if Jesus... if Judas hadn't organized
this party for Jesus, and Jesus hadn't
been crucified he'd have just lived into his old age.
Died shagging Marry Magdalene.
(crowd laughs)
Ugh, that'd have been the last we'd heard of him,
so thank God for Judas organizing this crucifixion.
What I'm saying it's fucking good Jesus Christ
was crucified, stick that on your bloody internet program.
(crowd laughs)
In America, put that in the central...
(crowd laughs) The southern states of America
what I'm saying it's good if you think about it.
(crowd laughs)
That Jesus was crucified.
You've got a great night ahead of you,
thank you for having me. (crowd laughs)
- Richard this is Jesus, you have one more topic.
- One more topic?
(Breathing) (crowd laughs)
Yeah, because I hadn't got myself into enough trouble.
(crowd laughs)
Well you know Andrea Dworkin did say
"all men are potential rapists".
If it wasn't her, it was one of the others like her.
(crowd laughs) And ugh, (laughs)...
They're all the... they're interchangeable.
And, you know, I thank God that making a very good point
because I think theoretically, we're all a little bit rapey.
(crowd laughs)
(laughs) But at least in our minds Jesus of course said
"it's a sin if you think in your mind, if you think to
something disgusting in your mind you have sinned.
In which case I'm fucked, I'm going to hell
'cause, just look at you three in the front row,
what I've made you three do, just in that instant bang
I miss, it's disgusting.
So if in theory I'm thinking of those things,
in theory you have not consented
to me imagining those thing have you.
In fact looking at you, I think you're pretty much
giving a clear sign that you do not want me
to start imagining those things.
But I'm imagining them,
I'm not going to act on the imagination
that would be illegal.
But one day in the future they will start
operating on these minds (stammers)
You know they've got computers that can read our thoughts.
And the minute you think something like that,
and now I've mentioned it all the guys
in the room are looking at these girls
and thinking the same thing. (crowd laughs)
So we've all become criminals, all together we are
theoretically rapey, um...
(laughs) (crowd laughs)
The stuff going on in my head is better
than what I'm saying, I have to say.
(mumbles) (crowd laughs)
Unbelievably I'm censoring myself a little bit.
(crowd laughs)
You've been lovely, thanks very much.
(crowd cheers) (guitar music)
- I knew Gumtree was a thing, I couldn't think what it was
- Yeah
- So then you have to go a different way
and find your way through it, but its exciting to me.
You know, that's why comedians will do this for a T-shirt.
That's why we do it, I do it for a T-Shirt.
(laughs)
(upbeat music)
(pencil scribing)