One of our viewers asked, "Doctor Paul, how do I deal with my husband's midlife
crisis?" Let's talk first about what a midlife crisis is and then I'll give you
5 specific things that you can do.
Apparently this midlife crisis thing is common enough that we've actually come
up with a title for it. And it is. Let's define it. A midlife crisis is a
transition in identity and purpose that usually occurs somewhere between the
ages of about 40 up until maybe 60 or so. And it's variable for different people,
obviously. This crisis is usually characterized by people coming to a
realization of their own mortality --that nobody gets out of this alive. You know
what? If this is the first time you're hearing it, I'm sorry to burst that
little bubble for you but it's true. We are mortal beings. Meaning that this body
is going to get old and die. Now, not everybody gets old.
But everybody dies. When we reach a certain point in life and we come to a
realization that not only is that going to happen but also time accelerates as
you get older. I don't know if you're old enough to have seen this yet. But my twin
sister turned 53 last year and I've noticed that each year transitions a
little quicker than the last one did. Time accelerates as you get older. I
think these things together combine to create the crisis, the realization of my
own mortality and the fact that I'm approaching it at an increasing speed.
Now, I don't mean this video to be a downer. So, let's just acknowledge the
reality of that. And this midlife crisis that occurs is often accompanied by
obviously concerns about health. About body, about
appearance and also about influence and impact and purpose. And what kind of a
difference in my making here on this planet?
All of these things together constitute what we would call a midlife crisis.
I have to chuckle sometimes because as I look at my own process of of aging and
getting to that point in my life where I'm probably in the second half,
something I've noticed is that although a midlife crisis is a very common
occurrence, it also almost always resolves on its own.
I say on its own. But we do things to kind of get it there or to accelerate
the process. But it resolves. It's like it starts with this anxious realization of
"Oh, no! It's this all there is to my life?" And then it resolves a few years later
with, "You know what? This is actually pretty darn good." That's the consistent
pattern that I've seen. So, hang in there. It's probably not going to last forever.
The purpose of this video is how to help someone that we love particularly a
spouse who's going through a midlife crisis. If you want more information
specifically designed for personally dealing with it, we did another video on
that. You can click to it right up there. And that video will queue up so that you
can watch it right after this one. Or share it with someone else that you love.
I promised you five specific things that you can do to help someone you love to
get through this midlife crisis. Let's get into that. Tip number 1, take good
care of yourself. You're going to show up to help somebody else you want to be in a
good position. I just got off of an airplane yesterday after giving a
keynote in another state. And every time I get on an airplane, I am reminded to
take care of myself. You know the part where the oxygen masks come down and
you're supposed to put that on if the cabin loses pressure. And they always say,
"If you're traveling with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on
first." And then help the person that you're dealing with. Same
concept here. You take good care of yourself. If you're living in a close
relationship with someone who's going through a midlife crisis, one of the best
things you can do is to present them with a fully-functioning, fully-healthy
partner. Tip number 1 is going to help you to do tip number 2. Don't take it
too personally. It's easy to do if you see the person that you love that you're
in a relationship with your spouse, your husband. Going through this midlife
crisis, it's really easy to jump to, "Oh, I'm not good enough for him." Well, yes you
are. You're the best thing that's ever happened to him. And he will probably
tell you that if you ask. Don't take it too personally. This is a common thing
that happens to a lot of people on the planet. And it probably has nothing to do
with your adequacy as a person, as a partner, as a significant relationship in
their life. Now, there's a personal and an impersonal component to everything. It's
going to feel a little personal because it is you. This is your relationship. But
that's where it ends. After that, it's not about you. It's about a very common
process that happens to a lot of people. So, try not to take it too personally. Tip
number 3 has to do with communication. Which is one of the most
important skills you can build in a relationship. We've got other videos here
on the channel that you can find in the positive relationships playlist about
communication and how all of that works. Here's the specific tip. Practice your
listening skills. This is an important time for you to connect with his point
of view. Try to understand where he's coming from. He probably doesn't even
fully understand where he's coming from right now. Your listening skills can help
him to resolve some of these things in his own mind. Practice reflecting back to
him what you understood his position to be. So, as you listen for a few minutes, at
some point, you'll have an opportunity during a lull in the conversation to say,
"So, sweetie. You're saying is..." And then give it back
to him in a way that he'll be satisfied that you got it. This is not a time to
debate or to argue or to come up with counter points to what he just said.
Simply reflect back to him to your best ability what his position is. Push the
pause button on your own need to express your own thoughts about this until you
can satisfy him. That you get his position, you understand it. Tip number
4 is going to help not only in this aspect of life but pretty much
everything else that you're doing. Maintain a healthy sense of humor. When
we look for it, we can find the humor in almost any situation. I have some friends
who are professional humorists. They're speakers who get hired because they're
funny. And they've made a practice of taking even the most mundane aspects of
our lives and finding what's funny about it. Find the funny. A little caution here.
We have to be sensitive to those things that are not yet at a point where we
could make fun of them. And you don't ever want to make fun of the person. Just
the problem or the thing that we're dealing with. So, be sensitive to where
they are with it. If they're still highly emotional about something, that's
probably not the best time to crack a joke about it. But finding the humor in
something can help to lighten the mood. And one way to get there is to
acknowledge the universal impact that things like a midlife crisis have on
people. Go to the bookstore or a library and search for humor related books on
age-related topics. You're going to find some funny stuff because people have
been dealing with this for centuries. And it helps to make it a little less
personal perhaps when we acknowledge, "Yeah, this is something that we all deal
with as a human race." And we can step back and have a little bit of fun with
it as well. This last tip, I saved for last because it's actually my favorite.
Practice positivity. The way we talked about it here on the Live On
Purpose TV channel, positivity is not just turning a blind eye to the pain or
the difficulty or the challenges that life gives us. Those are real. Positivity
is taking an intentional position related to what it is. Remember when I
said earlier that usually a midlife crisis starts with this sense of anxiety
or fear that, "This is all there is?" What if all of this is rich and abundant and
full and meaningful? I told you I got on a plane yesterday. I was coming home from
this keynote. I sat next to a man named Harry Huffaker. You can google him. This
man is in his 80s now. And as I sat down next to this older gentleman, I had no
idea that he is a world-class Hall of Fame swimmer. He shared with me some of
the stories that have shaped his life up to this point. Not only was he a
world-class swimmer but he also became a professional dentist and he lived a rich
full abundant life. And as I was chatting with Harry about this. He said something
that really stuck with me. He said, "You know? Life is a great adventure. And
different people get there on different paths. But at the end of the day, it's
really good." I hope you got some helpful ideas from that. And I bet you're
thinking about someone who would probably benefit from seeing this video.
Would you please click on the share button down below it'll give you several
options of how you can share this video. And even others here on the channel with
those people that you care about the most.