- [Narrator] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News".
(upbeat music)
- Good evening and welcome to "Breaking News",
the show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Jackin' the Box. - And I'm Mrs. New Booty.
- Congrats on the wedding, by the way.
- I told you, it was small, so we couldn't invite everyone.
- Yeah, sure.
Anyway, news tonight about formal viral sensation
the "I like turtles" zombie boy.
He's all grown up and you won't believe
how he feels about turtles. - That's right, Jack.
When questioned about the almost 15 year old video,
zombie boy was quoted saying,
"I think turtles are just okay,
and please stop calling me zombie boy."
- And checking in on Charlie from "Charlie Bit my Finger",
he's still a baby! - I miss the days of YouTube
when things were silly instead of radicalizing.
I ought to make a classic 2010 style viral video.
- Oh yeah? What would you do?
- I would put a Slip 'N Slide down my parents' stairs
and when they wake up and go, watch them go.
That's a two flight set of stairs.
It goes down, and then they pick themselves up,
it goes around, doo doo doo doo doo.
People were mean on the internet back in the day
and they would absolutely laugh at your old mama
falling down the stairs.
- Sounds like an epic fail. I apologize.
All this talk about turtles really got me going.
When I was a kid, I was very horny...
I was very horny, I'm getting worked up,
for Raphael from Teenage Mutant...
Teenange Muntant Ninja Turtles.
He took a bath in one of those movies
and that was it for me.
- Mm, what other fictional characters get you aroused?
- Oh, a ton, baby.
Let's go down the list of my 10 favorites.
10, Kachow, the guy from "Cars".
Forgot his name 'cause I'm so horny for him.
Nine, "Herbie Fully Loaded", the entire movie.
- Are these all gonna be cars?
- Yes. Eight, Thomas the Train Engine.
Kind of a derivative, but still a car, technically.
- Tank engine.
- WALL-E, horny for that robot, that space baby robot.
- Oh no!
- Stuart Little of course. Who could forget that baby mouse?
- Oh my god! - Not a baby.
- Well, he's baby to me. He's my baby.
"Stuart Little 2", the one-
- Same character, same character.
- The same character, but from the second movie.
I see them as two different sexual entities.
Pokemon, Ho-Oh, the legendary pokemon.
Horny when I saw that character.
It's a flaming bird, guys. Crazy.
- Moltres. - Moltres, yeah.
(Amy laughing)
(Alfred's lips smacking)
Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side" specifically.
Specifically Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side".
Michael Jordan from "The Last Dance".
That was fictional to me, and very sexual.
And then last one, you know, save the best for last,
the water in "Pocahontas".
- Interesting.
My list is completely different.
10 fictional characters that I am horny for.
The fox in "Robin Hood".
The fox Maid Marian, also a fox in "Robin Hood".
The big lion king in "Robin Hood", not "Lion King".
The king with the...
The snake that sucks all the rings off the fingers,
also in "Robin Hood".
Damn, that was a horny movie.
The daddy rat in "Ratatouille".
Oh, look at those little fingers go.
Brock from "Pokemon". That guy wants to fuck.
Mm, also Moltres. - So sexy.
That bird is on fire, and baby,
so is my vagina.
Sandra Bullock's character from "Miss Congeniality".
Oh, that's a good character.
Also, Benjamin Bratt's character from "Miss Congeniality",
and then number 10,
Ash from "Pokemon" but if he wasn't a child,
if he was an adult.
- Speaking of horny, it's that time of year again,
whatever season it is at the time we're filming this
is in full swing.
- That's right, and it wouldn't be
whatever season it is without hearing
from our resident clown, Giggles McFun.
(Amy laughing)
- Hey. Hey guys.
I have a very special segment planned for you.
- Oh no. - Oh no. (laughs)
Oh no. (laughs)
- Stay steady enough to get the lipstick on.
- Today I'm gonna teach you how to juggle.
Okay, you toss one. Wait.
You toss one and then the other. (laughs)
Okay. - Unsuccessful already.
(Amy laughing)
- Okay, let's go.
Let's add another one
now that we have that on lock.
Okay, so you try to toss it to your other hand,
right there.
- That was pretty good.
- Okay. - No, don't lie.
- One more. (laughs)
There's really not much to it!
You throw one ball, then you thrown another.
Then you throw another. Don't drop them!
What's wrong, Mrs. New Booty?
- Nothing.
I mean, I guess that was pretty cool,
but I was actually hoping
you'd teach us how to make balloon animals.
- I thought you may say that, so we've got it.
All right, so you stretch out the balloon.
It's also nice if you are a clown
to have a shtick while you're doing this.
I haven't thought of one yet. It's just nice to have.
Okay.
- All right, this might be as far as we get.
- No, no no no no.
They've provided me with a classy pump.
Oops! (laughs) Oh no.
So you...
(crew laughing)
(anchors speaking over each other)
No no no, this is gonna work.
(pump pumping)
- Oh! - There you go.
- You got to go real fast! - There you go.
- You got to go a lot faster than you think, 'cause you...
(Amy laughing)
- Oh, it's maxed out. - It's maxed out.
- I guess that's how they work.
Okay, faster, faster!
Yeah, and you've got to leave some air in the end.
Okay, okay, so then you tie it up.
Who wants an animal?
- Whoa, oh my god, that was incredible.
Can you make a pig, please? - Yes, so you start-
- No, I want her to make the concept of ennui.
- Ooh, I'll make a pig that's full of ennui.
Okay, so you twist, you twist. (laughs)
And it'll stay.
Okay, so you just make it stay like that,
and then, okay, so this is the pig,
and then you have his body, and then you have-
- Very dick and balls. - Yeah.
- And then you have another leg,
and you have to twist them together
so it doesn't fall apart, so now you've got... (laughs)
Yeah, you've got a little Porky Pig,
and then he's sad 'cause he's got ennui.
- Oh wow! - I think I know two moves.
So then you just make his tears,
and that's it, and there.
- Thanks, Giggles. I love that crazy son of a bitch.
- Me too. Wait, I'm receiving breaking news.
A robbery on Santa Monica Pier.
Our correspondent is live on the scene.
- Chip Mint Chocolate Chip here at the pier
where the robberies occurred just moments ago.
- Chip, could you tell us what the suspect looked like?
- Oh, I can do more than tell you.
I can show you. I can do a caricature.
All right, so...
(marker scratching)
- It's a fish.
- What the... - Oh.
- This is eyes. - Oh.
Damn, that was nicer than I expected.
- Pretty impressive. - Oh my god.
Oh, he's happy. - He looks very happy, yeah.
- He was a very happy man. - Oh.
(marker scratching)
- It's like- - Caricatures do have
the big-ass heads and little-ass bodies.
- Oh yeah.
- I also feel like caricatures
are usually a little more mean.
Not this one, though.
I don't have that ability as an artist.
- No discerning features at all.
- If you see this person, alert the authorities immediately.
Mrs. New Booty, is everything okay?
- Yeah, no, I guess.
I was just hoping I would get a caricature, too.
- Wow, you are really needy today.
- Hey, back off.
- How about this? I'll draw you both, together.
- Great, make mine on the body of a beautiful lady, please.
- And make mine full of ennui.
- All right.
- Remember the tears. - Big...
- To show ennui. - Beautiful woman.
- This is the body or the head?
- This is the body.
- Got hands as big as those titties.
- Mm-hm. - Beautiful hair.
- [Alfred] Okay, a little generous with the hair there.
- It's a little more square. - All right, I'll take it.
- Okay, I see it, okay, I see it.
- Now.
- Okay, I have the same hair as Alfred.
- Got a little bun, a little bun.
- It looks like a Davy Crockett hat.
- Yeah.
- Your eyes are full of sadness.
(Amy snorts)
- Made my eyes really small, kind of racist.
- They're sadness! (Amy laughing)
- The classic smirk and cry right there.
- The hourglass curve of your body.
- Wow. - Wow.
- Bingo bango, jingo jango. - Your catchphrase!
- That's it for us on "Breaking News", but before we go,
we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Amy Vorpahl.
- As punishment, Amy Vorpahn, conveniently already there,
will have to make a balloon animal
of a fictional character that makes them horny.
- Okay, that is gonna be
Tepig the pig pokemon
full of ennui, there. (laughs)