- Hi, my name is Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile,
and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist.
In today's video, we're gonna be talking
about family dynamics in television and film.
This is a scene from "Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back".
- You are beaten.
It is useless to resist.
Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did.
[light sabers whooshing]
- I always emphasize the importance of intent.
Did Darth Vader really think that this was a method
that would be effective in having Luke join his side?
Getting in a fight with him,
ultimately chopping off his arm.
Was this part of your strategy
when you're originally thinking
that you wanted to win him over to the dark side?
He tried strategy one, which was a scare tactic.
- There is no escape.
Don't make me destroy you.
- And you can see that's not working.
He's like, all right, so let's try this.
- I am your father.
- "Now, will you join the dark side?"
And that is a manipulative tactic.
You just cut my arm off.
Is this really the time for that revelation?
Maybe he thought that would make Luke
feel a sense of loyalty and feel like,
oh, this is an answer to a question
I've always had about myself.
Instead, Luke feels deceived.
- No, it's not true.
That's impossible!
- Darth Vader just does not have
an understanding of Luke's motives.
How do you rekindle a relationship with someone
when you missed out on a lot of history of their life?
You've gotta treat this person almost like a stranger,
and part of that is gonna be patience.
They don't have to clear out time for you.
They can give you
what they're able to offer you emotionally now,
and right now, that might be nothing.
But if you are truly wanting to create a relationship
with this person, you have to be patient with them
and show them that maybe you've changed,
which would be evidenced by your ability to communicate
and be more understanding.
This is a scene from "The Brady Bunch".
- Every time Marsha turns around,
they hand her a blue ribbon or something.
- Oh, now, Jan, you know that isn't so.
Marsha's worked very hard for those things.
- Well, all I hear all day long at school
is how great Marsha is at this
or how wonderful Marsha did that.
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
- So I wanna comment on how the parents were responding
to Jan's concerns.
They're trying to give her the opportunity
to express how she feels,
and I love that she's talking with both parents.
That's one of my favorite things about "The Brady Bunch",
is that I think they did a great job of showing
the benefit of having two parents
be very involved in the kids' lives.
They were allowing her to express her feelings.
But then also, they were kind of trying to challenge
some of those thoughts.
- I'm tired of being in Marsha's shadow all the time.
- Now Jan, you're not in anybody's shadow.
Well, Marsha's three years older than you.
She should have more to show for herself.
- From a rational standpoint, that makes sense, right?
You're like, oh, okay, yeah.
But what's Jan supposed to do with that?
'Cause Marsha's always gonna be three years older than her,
and if she already has an inferiority complex,
then that means that she's signing up
for the rest of her life
to feel like she's three years behind her sister.
- Jan, come on, you have to be realistic about this.
Nobody, nobody has smooth sailing all the time.
- Well, that's right.
Marsha has her disappointments too.
She doesn't always win.
- Intellectualization is actually a defense mechanism.
So when you're in an argument with someone
and that person is dead set on rationalizing themselves
out of that conversation,
you think, well, hey, they're thinking it through.
That's a good thing.
This other person's all in their emotions,
and this person's thinking logically.
When you tell somebody to calm down,
from a rational perspective, that makes sense.
But that person feels completely invalidated,
and usually that does not solve the problem.
I think if they would've tapped a little bit more
into her emotional world,
it might have been even more productive.
This is a scene from "Turning Red".
- Mei-Mei, what is this?
- It's nothing, just a boy, he's no one.
- A boy?
Who is he?
Did he do these things to you?
- No!
It's just made up, mom.
It's not real.
- That hat.
Is that the sketchy clerk from the Daisy Mart?
- So when a parent invades their kids' privacy,
what you think you're communicating to your child is,
"I will always protect you",
but that is not typically what's actually communicated.
What you're communicating to your child is,
"I do not trust you."
- Thank goodness I was here.
That degenerate won't come near you again.
Now, is there anything else I should know about, Mei-Mei?
- Nope, all good.
- I thought, in this moment,
she was going to have all this anger, I say appropriately,
toward her mother, but what we saw her do instead...
- You sicko!
what were you thinking?
Why would you draw those things?
Those horrible, awful, sexy things.
- She was genuinely upset with herself
for having a crush, right?
But we all know a crush is a part of our development,
it's a part of socialization.
But she missed out on the opportunity
of solidifying what she was looking for in a partner,
because she was shamed for having a crush.
Sometimes, the way we express our love is completely toxic.
When we are constantly criticizing, chastising,
protecting our kids,
we're keeping them from developing confidence
in certain areas, where, really,
she probably could have handled the situation herself,
but her mother took that opportunity away from her
and that's one less skill she'll have when she's an adult.
This scene is from "The Sopranos".
- You know, it's always what you think, isn't it?
It's never how I feel.
- Oh, poor you.
It's all your mother's fault, isn't it?
- I didn't say that.
- You're a mama's boy.
- You're gonna call me names now?
- The perspective of a lot of people
would be that the therapist was too quiet,
but I actually think that it's just a reflection
of how solid the individual therapy
he's been doing with the son is
that the son was able to actually advocate for himself.
- I was in the garage, and you said,
"What kind of animal smokes marijuana at his confirmation?"
- He was using illegal drugs in the home.
- But did it ever occur to you
that I might have been self-medicating?
- You can hear the words he's using.
You can hear the phrases like self-medicating,
staying firm in his opinion on things.
You could tell that there's been a lot of growth.
They probably did some role play,
they probably came up with talking tracks for this session
and the therapist fully trusted his client
to conduct and guide that session.
An area that this therapist could have improved in
was letting the parents know, this is a collateral session.
This is your opportunity just to learn more
about what led him to being in this office.
The fact that your child has included you in these sessions
lets you know that obviously you're very important to them.
If you're speaking and no one's listening to you,
you're wasting energy.
So I would have actually asked the father,
I'm noticing that you're looking down.
Do we still have your attention?
- Would you like to tell your parents
what your grandmother said?
- What'd she say?
- That it's all a big nothing.
- What is?
- Life.
- One of the biggest models that is used
for self-harm or suicidality
is a model called dialectical behavior therapy,
and including family in those sessions
is a part of that model.
But there are some instances
where that can actually be counterproductive,
and this could possibly be one of those situations,
where the family is the biggest trigger for those thoughts.
- This is a scene from "The Kardashians".
[girls exclaiming]
- I'm kind of in shock
and I'm also telling myself, don't be nervous.
This is one of the best moments of your life.
- In some ways they're dealing with a lot of the same stuff
that a lot of us are dealing with, like blended families.
- How do I tell my kids?
I feel like I need to tell them now,
'cause they're gonna see it on the Internet.
- [Guest] No, no, you probably should go in private.
- I was happy to see that Kourtney was already thinking,
I don't want my kids to find this out through social media.
That is just not usually the best way
for people to find out important information.
- Mom got a ring!
[child crying]
- Is that upsetting?
- Okay, why are you sad, baby?
- [Penelope] Hang up.
- I do wish that my kids were here.
I think it would've made them feel more included
in the decision kind of, and part of the surprise.
- I do think that the kids should have been involved.
That's the worst fear of a blended family,
is that now in this structure, I no longer matter.
And when you don't incorporate people, especially kids,
into those decisions,
it is just confirmation of those fears.
The best way to recover from a situation like this
is to create a space
where all the kids don't feel like they could be punished
for sharing negative opinions or fears.
- I think that it's really important for Scott
to be accepting of of our relationship,
so that the kids can feel good.
- A lot of times, the blessing of that other parent
is all a kid needs
to feel like they're not being split in two.
This is the scene from "Home Alone".
- Did anyone order me plain cheese?
- Well, yeah we did.
But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up
'cause it's gone.
[kids yelling]
- What is the matter with you?
- He started it.
He ate my pizza on purpose.
He knows I hate sausage and olives and onions.
- Look what you did, your little jerk.
- This kid is what we refer to as the identified patient.
They carry the burden of being the problem of the family.
- People in this house,
you're the only one who has to make trouble.
- I'm the only one getting dumped on.
- You're the only one acting up.
Now get upstairs.
- This is much easier to use them as a scapegoat
than to recognize that there are some dysfunctional patterns
within the family.
The presenting problem with this family
is that they are having difficulty, the parents,
in providing each child with attention.
For you to be able to leave a whole kid at home,
that really says something about how busy you are,
how much you have going on, and that really is the problem.
I had a therapist that told me that they don't see kids
because kids don't have problems, parents do,
and this is a great example of that.
One cannot physically abandon their kid
without emotionally abandoning them.
How does this play out into adulthood?
We know, it's self sabotaging,
it's using that avoidant attachment,
where it may be you don't wanna be vulnerable with anybody.
You might be in a relationship for years,
yet you haven't opened up about your secrets.
Maybe this person has never seen you cry.
You're, in life, trying to create the relationships
you're seeing other people have
without the tools to be able to do that.
Therapy is important
because it gives you a completely new setting,
which opens the floor for new possibilities,
expanding on hope.
It gives you new ways to communicate
with the people that you care about,
to be able to have conversations
that maybe you've never felt comfortable having on your own
and getting a little support, getting some ideas
and techniques on how to best communicate.
We all play a part in our family dynamics.
We contribute to dysfunction,
and one of the biggest things that I work with my clients on
is recognizing your contribution,
and if there are some things
that you're wanting to see changed,
it's gonna start with working on yourself.
Thanks for watching this video.
Take care.