>> Stephen: HELLO.
WELCOME, WELCOME.
GATHER AROUND ONE AND ALL.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE ON THIS NIGHT SO FILLED WITH
DRAMATIC BREAKING NEWS.
♪♪♪ LET'S GET TO THE NUMBER ONE
STORY TRENDING IN AMERICA: MR. POTATO HEAD IS NO LONGER A
MISTER.
AGAIN -- AND I'M NATIONAL MONUMENT MAKING THIS UP, THE
NUMBER ONE STORY TRENDING IN AMERICA.
ARE WE LIVE?
WHY DIDN'T GO WE LIVE?
WHY AREN'T WE LIVE?!
MR. POTATO HEAD IS NO LONGER A MISTER!
AND NOT, AS I ORIGINALLY ASSUMED, BECAUSE HE FINALLY
FINISHED HIS PH.D...
HIS POTATO HEAD DOCTORATE.
NO, IT'S BECAUSE HASBRO IS GIVING THE SPUD A GENDER NEUTRAL
NEW NAME: POTATO HEAD.
BUT IF IT'S NOT ASSIGNED A GENDER, WHAT BATHROOM WILL IT
USE?pNATURALLY WHEN THIS NEWS HI TWITTER, THE WORLD'S TOP IDIOTS
WEIGHED IN.
PIERS MORGAN TWEETED, "WHO WAS ACTUALLY OFFENDED BY MR. POTATO
HEAD BEING MALE?
I WANT NAMES.
THESE WOKE IMBECILES ARE DESTROYING THE WORLD."
YES, THEY'RE DESTROYING THE WORLD!
HOW WILL CHILDREN GROW UP WITHOUT A STRONG MALE POTATO
ROLE MODEL?
WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE TOTS?
PIERS, I HAVE TO ASK, WHAT PART OF THIS IS INHERENTLY "MALE" TO
YOU?
I MEAN, TRUE, THE SOFT CURVES DO RESEMBLE MY TORSO, BUT THAT'S
BECAUSE AFTER 11 MONTHS OF PANDEMIC, I'M MOSTLY POTATO
MYSELF.
SPEAKING OF THE PANDEMIC, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.
THE GOOD NEWS IS SCIENCE.
THE BAD NEWS IS EVOLUTION.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF MY "I
REALLY WISH IT WOULD END" SEGMENT, "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:
ENDLESS BUMMER."
("BEAUTIFUL DREAMER") >> ♪ BEAUTIFUL FEVER
ONE HUNDRED AND THREE.
♪ PLEASE GO AND LICK ALL OF THE ELDERLY
♪ SNEEZE ON A DOOR KNOB DON'T VACCINATE
♪ BREATHE ME INTO ALL OF YOUR LUNGS
I CAN'T WAIT ♪ THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
I'LL BE HERE ALL YEAR!
OW!
OW OW!
OKAY!
STOP, STOP!
THIS IS BECOMING ABUSIVE NOW!
OKAY!
I'M GOING, I'M GOING!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ANIMATORS DON'T
REALIZE I CAN'T SHOOT THAT FAST.
I'M NOT LEGLESS OVER HERE.
>> OW!
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T HIT YOU YET.
>> BUT YOU'RE GOING TO.
>> Stephen: NO, I'M NOT.
EVIE'S HERE.
WATCH OUT!
IT'S A TOY!
HE CAN'T POKE ANY EYES OUT.
CHRIS HAS GGLES ON.
LOOK AT THAT.
HE'S NO FOOL.
HE'S GOT GOGGLES ON.
MARK, HOW YOU DOING?
YOU'VE GOT THE NINJA SKILLS.
CAN YOU CATCH THIS IN MIDAIR?
>> THAT'S VERY IRRESPONSIBLE OF YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M VERY IRRESPONSIBLE.
THIS WILL ALL BE EDIT UTO, NO DOUBT.
FIRST UP, THE BAD NEWS -- THE CORONAVIRUS KEEPS EVOLVING
INTO MORE CONTAGIOUS AND DEADLY STRAINS.
FIRST, WE HAD THE BRITISH VARIANT, THEN THE SOUTH AFRICAN
VARIANT, THE BRAZILIAN, THE CALIFORNIAN.
OF COURSE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRAVEL THE WORLD TO GET THESE.
THEY'RE ALL AVAILABLE AT DISNEY'S NEW THEME PARK:
EP-COUGH.
WELL, NOW SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND A NEW CORONAVIRUS VARIANT IN NEW
YORK CITY.
IT'S A LOT LIKE REGULAR COVID, BUT ONCE IT'S IN YOUR BODY, IT
GENTRIFIES YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM UNTIL EVEN THE WHITE BLOOD CELLS
CAN'T AFFORD TO STAY.
THE NEW STRAIN WASN'T JUST DISCOVERED HERE, RESEARCHERS
BELIEVE IT IS "HOME-GROWN, PRESUMABLY IN NEW YORK."
SURE, NEW YORKERS DEMAND THAT THEIR VIRUS BE LOCALLY-SOURCED,
FARM TO TABLE, SUBWAY TO LUNGS.
YOU DON'T WANT ONE OF THOSE "BRIDGE AND TUNNEL" VIRUSES.
RESEARCHERS SAY THE NEW STRAIN IS MORE CONTAGIOUS AND MAY CAUSE
MORE SEVERE DISEASE.
♪ IF YOU CAN GET IT HERE IT WILL BE MUCH MORE SEVERE
♪ WORSE THAN THE FLU NEW YORK, NEW-- ♪
(COUGH) DESPITE ALL THE NEW VARIANTS,
THERE IS GOOD NEWS.
YESTERDAY, THE F.D.A. ANNOUNCED THAT JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S NEW
COVID-19 VACCINE IS SAFE AND EFFECTIVE, AND ONLY REQUIRES A
SINGLE DOSE.
YOU ONLY NEED ONE SHOT?
THAT MUST BE A REALLY POWERFUL INJECTION.
AND, I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF THE FIRST RECIPIENT:
( CRYING ) ( GASPING )
>> IF YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, THEN SAY SOMETHING.
>> CAN I GO TO A RESTAURANT NOW?
>> STEPHEN: SO, THE VACCINES ARE WORKING.
THE NEXT CHALLENGE IS TO GET PEOPLE TO TAKE THEM, BECAUSE
ACCORDING TO ONE RECENT POLL, ABOUT ONE IN THREE AMERICANS SAY
THEY DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY WON'T GET THE COVID-19 VACCINE.
YES, A THIRD OF AMERICANS ARE TOO CONCERNED ABOUT THE HEALTH
IMPLICATIONS TO GET A VACCINE, BUT THEY'LL LINE UP FOR ARBY'S
NEW MEAT MOUNTAIN.
ARBY'S!
WE HAVE -- NO SHAME!
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY, IN ORDER TO GET MORE
PEOPLE TO TAKE VACCINES, THE AD COUNCIL LAUNCHED A NEW
CAMPAIGN.
IT TAKES A LOOK: >> AS THE COVID-19 VACCINES
BECOME AVAILABLE, YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF, SHOULD I GET
IT?
AND IF I DO, WILL I GO ABOUT LIFE WITHOUT PUTTING MY FAMILY
AT RISK?
YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS, AND THAT'S NORMAL.
THE FACT IS, THE VACCINES ARE SAFE AND EFFECTIVE.
THEY'RE GOING TO SAVE LIVES.
BECAUSE GETTING BACK TO THE MOMENTS WE MISS STARTS WITH
GETTING INFORMED.
IT'S UP TO YOU.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S A NICE SENTIMENT, BUT "IT'S UP TO YOU"
IS WHY WE HAVE THIS PROBLEM.
WE NEED EVERYONE TO GET THE VACCINE.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE FORCEFUL AND HONEST, LIKE
"DON'T KILL GRANDMA!", OR "NO ONE HAS POLIO-- CAN YOU
GUESS WHY?" IN O.G. CORONAVIRUS NEWS, THE
CHINESE GOVERNMENT CAUSED A STIR RECENTLY WHEN THEY ROLLED OUT
THEIR ANAL SWAB CORONAVIRUS TEST.
THERE WERE ALWAYSABLE GASUPS IN THIS ROOM WHEN I READ THAT.
SEEMS LIKE AN INDIRECT WAY TO GET TO THE NOSE.
EXACTLY HOW LONG ARE THOSE Q-TIPS?
THE CHINESE CLAIM THAT THE ANAL SWABS ARE MORE ACCURATE, BUT
THEY PROMISED THE TESTS WOULD BE RARE.
WELL, EVIDENTLY, MEDIUM-RARE BECAUSE U.S. OFFICIALS IN CHINA
HAVE TOLD THE STATE DEPARTMENT THAT THEY HAD BEEN SUBJECTED TO
THE ANAL TESTS.
A CHINESE FOREIGN MINISTRY SPOKESPERSON CLAIMED THAT CHINA
HAS NEVER ASKED U.S. DIPLOMATS IN CHINA TO GO THROUGH ANAL SWAB
TESTS.
THE KEY WORD IS "ASKED."
NOTORIOUSLY, THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WAIT FOR
PERMISSION.
EXHIBIT A: THIS GUY.
HIS BIOPSY SHOULD BE BACK ANY DAY NOW.
WE TOOK AWAY HIS GENITALS.
WE DIDN'T BLUR THEM, WE LITERALLY REMOVED THEM
DIGITALLY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WHEN WE FOUND THIS GRAPHIC EARLIER
TODAY, THE MAN, YOU KNOW -- IT'S THE BODY AND THE PART OF THE
BODY THAT'S DOWN THERE.
WE THOUGHT CBS WASN'T GOING TO LET US SHOW THAT, BUT I DIDN'T
KNOW THEY WERE GOING TO YANK THEM.
I THOUGHT A TASTEFULLY BLUR OR BLACK BAR OR SOMETHING.
WHAT IF WE COME TO?
THE U.S. SAID THEY AREN'T GOING TO TAKE THIS LYING DOWN, OR EVEN
BENT OVER.
A STATE DEPARTMENT SPOKESPERSON SAID THEY'RE "COMMITTED TO
GUARANTEEING THE SAFETY AND SECURITY OF AMERICAN DIPLOMATS
AND THEIR FAMILIES WHILE PRESERVING THEIR DIGNITY
CONSISTENT WITH THE VIENNA CONVENTION ON DIPLOMATIC
RELATIONS."
YES, THE VIENNA CONVENTION IS VERY CLEAR.
SAYS IT RIGHT IN THE PREAMBLE: NO BUTT STUFF.
SPEAKING OF ASSES: THE JANUARY 6 INSURRECTION.
THERE'S MORE FALLOUT, AND I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S
"SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUNDUP."
>> I'M IN THE MOOOOOOD FOR JUSTICE!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, BESSIE.
FIRST INTO THE PADDYWAGON IS ALLEGED INSURRECTIONIST AND MAN
GOOGLING "HOW TO WEAR A MASK," RICHARD
MICHETTI.
MICHETTI WAS IDENTIFIED AS ONE OF THE CAPITOL RIOTERS BECAUSE
HE APPARENTLY TOOK A BREAK FROM THE RIOTING TO ARGUE WITH HIS
EX-GIRLFRIEND OVER TEXT MESSAGE.
COME ON, MAN!
YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE THING TO BE ANGRY ABOUT AT A TIME.
"STOP THE STEAL!
HANG MIKE PENCE!
SCREW YOU, LIZ!
RETURN MY HOODIE!" MICHETTI WENT ON A MID-RIOT
TEXTING SPREE, SENDING HIS FORMER GIRLFRIEND PHOTOS AND
VIDEOS OF THE MOB, AND THEN A MESSAGE READING, "IF YOU CAN'T
SEE THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN, YOU'RE A MORON."
YEAH, "YOU'RE A MORON" SAID THE MAN INSULTING HIS EX AFTER
TEXTING HER VIDEO EVIDENCE OF HIS FEDERAL CRIMES.
EVIDENTLY, MICHETTI'S EX DIDN'T TAKE TOO KINDLY TO BEING CALLED
A MORON, AND PROMPTLY TOLD THE F.B.I. THAT HE WAS AT THE
CAPITOL, AND HE NOW FACES UP TO 20 YEARS IN PRISON.
YOU GO, GIRL!
THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU WON THE BREAKUP.
"DID YOU HEAR ABOUT CHELSEA?
SHE'S DOING AMAZING!
SHE GOT A KILLER HAIRCUT, SHE'S DATING A GREAT NEW GUY, AND SHE
SENT RICHARD TO FEDERAL PRISON.
SLAY, QUEEN!" ( LAUGHTER )
NEXT UP IN THE LASSO OF THE LAW: THIS WEEK, CHARGES WERE FILED
AGAINST QUEENS RESIDENT AND MAN SAYING, "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?
CUZ MY KIDS WON'T TALK TO ME," PHILLIP GRILLO.
GRILLO IS A LOCAL G.O.P. LEADER, WHO REFERRED TO HIMSELF ON
FACEBOOK AS "THE REPUBLICAN MESSIAH."
WE HAVE A STATEMENT FROM THE CAPITOL POLICE ABOUT GRILLO'S
CLAIM: >> HE'S NOT THE MESSIAH, HE'S A
VERY NAUGHTY BOY!
>> STEPHEN: NEXT UP, TEXAS REALTOR JENNA RYAN, WHO TOOK
A PRIVATE JET TO THE RIOT, AND THEN-- MAYBE TO MAKE HER FLIGHT
TAX DEDUCTIBLE-- SHE TURNED INSURRECTION INTO AN AD.
>> WE'RE GOING TO (BLEEP) GO IN HERE.
LIFE OR DEATH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
HERE WE GO.
Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR REALTOR.
JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.
U.S.A.!
( CHANTING U.S.A. ) >> STEPHEN: YOU GO, GIRL!
YOU GET YOUR PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN!
IT REMINDS ME OF AFTER JOHN WILKES BOOTH SHOT LINCOLN AND
JUMPED FROM THE BALCONY SHOUTING, "I'M NOT GOING TO PAY
A LOT FOR THIS MUFFLER!" IN THE DAYS LEADING UP TO HER
ARREST, RYAN WAS DEFIANT.
BUT ACCORDING TO THE "WASHINGTON POST," FACING FEDERAL CHARGES
AND ABANDONED BY THE PEOPLE SHE CALLS PATRIOTS, SHE SAID SHE
FEELS BETRAYED.
>> I BOUGHT INTO A LIE, AND THE LIE IS THE LIE, AND IT'S
EMBARRASSING.
>> STEPHEN: OH, I BET IT IS.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HELPS WITH EMBARRASSMENT?
GETTING AWAY FROM PEOPLE SO YOU CAN'T HEAR THE MEAN
THINGS THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT YOU.
TAKE A LITTLE TIME TO CENTER YOURSELF.
LIKE FIVE TO SEVEN YEARS.
FOUR WITH GOOD BEHAVIOR.
SOME RIOTERS ARE BEING A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHO LIED T
THEM LIKE THE SO-CALLED ZIP TIE GUY, LATER REFIELD TO BE
UNEMPLOYED TENNESSEE BARTENDER AND MAN SCREAMING "TINY PENIS!",
ERIC MUNCHEL.
IN A LEGAL MOTION FILED EARLIER THIS MONTH, THE "MUNCH" INSISTED
HIS ACTIONS WERE A DIRECT RESPONSE TO MONTHS OF COMMENTS
MADE BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
YES, BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE TIME-HONORED DEFENSE FOR A
FASCIST THEN "I WAS JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS."
BUT MUNCHEL'S LEGAL FILING DIDN'T STOP WITH THE FORMER
PRESIDENT.
IN IT, THE RIOTER ALSO BLAMES HIS MOM, CLAIMING, "INSIDE THE
CAPITOL, MR. MUNCHEL ATTEMPTED TO LIMIT HIS MOTHER'S MOVEMENTS,
AND TO KEEP TABS ON HER."
HE DIDN'T WANT TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT, BUT YOU KNOW HOW YOU
WORRY WITH AN OLDER PARENT.
WE'VE ALL SEEN THE COMMERCIAL: >> I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T HANG
MIKE PENCE!
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
IT'S ALREADY A PRETTY GOOD SHOW!
I'LL BE TALKING TO OSCAR AND EMMY-WINNING ACTOR REGINA KING.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US.
♪♪♪