That's What He Said: What is Masculinity?
-So uh, lets just get right into it right?
I grew up in New York. I grew up in Queens,
And the first thing that comes to mind is my neighborhood.
To me that is the thing that defined what being masculine or being a man was.
You know it was Lot of guys who didn't give a f--- about anything
or you know how tough you were and stuff like that.
Which was difficult for me I think because I was
always kind of on the sensitive side as a kid.
And never felt really comfortable with that because it seemed like that wasn't
masculine.
So for you guys how do you guys define that for yourselves?
- So I grew up as a military brat,
I lived all over the world.
You have you know, masculinity around the military bases.
But, at the same time, there wasn't a feeling of you're not a man.
I don't think I've never been told to 'Man Up'.
I've been told to 'Suck it Up', you know, but never the words 'Man Up".
Never had to think of what it means to be a man, you just.. you are who you are.
- I find it a really hairy topic.
I went to an all boys high school where everybody played a sport.
and kids fought. And I found that environment quite threatening sometimes.
I guess my definition of masculinity came through that.
-There's definitely something about strength in the traditional definition
and silence may be in there a little bit.
In terms of emotional silence, emotional withholding.
-My idea of masculinity was necessarily violence or aggression or neighborhood.
It was definitely your place in the family structure.
My parents met in Med School in Armenia but when he moved here my mom stopped working.
Once they had kids, she was the care taker and those roles were incredibly defined.
Coming out of the closet, challenged so many of those roles.
It was like Jackal & Hyde.
It was like I know everything I've learned of how I'm supposed to be
and then there's the person I actually am.
-I was mainly raised by my mother so, always looking for masculinity.
I went to an all boys school.
And then I joined the Marines.
I think maybe I was looking for more of that masculinity and identity.
Now I'm a father. Now I can care less.
I feel more masculine than I've ever been just because now
I know what this role is and who I'm supposed to be.
Not this weird like , 'am I supposed to like sports?',
you know, chop wood or something?
Like what is it? Now it's like I know. My role is to take care of my daughter.
And that to me is most identifying about masculinity.
-I think one of the downfalls of society, I've thought about this for a while is..
that there is no sort of right of passage in our world today.
About this is the moment you become a man.
There is no moment where society says "Okay great, now you've
done that. Your childhood is over. Now your a man. "
And I think as a result, there is so many people,
so many guys.
They have never been given permission to be a man.
To say okay great, I'm a man now and need to behave in that way
or own up to these responsibilities.
And there left in this perpetual you know man-child
grown up boy kind of life.
-Um we were talking earlier about this social scientist name Brené Brown, right,
and when she talks about shame she talks to this audience of 500 people.
She goes, "lets talk about men, lets talk about what makes men feel ashamed.
If you want we can all say it together. What is the one thing a man is not allowed
to feel?"
And about 300 of the 500 people at once, all say "Weak".
A man is not allowed to feel weak in our society and it often is the source of a tremendous
amount of shame.
-Uh I feel like as a guy you can't really show fear,
because you're judged as a, as a male.
You have to be kind of strong.
-I think men can't express sadness. Because its emasculating they, you know
If they show that they can be sad then they're less of a man.
Nobody wants to be less of a man.
-Uh I am going through a divorce right now, and, uh jeesh, gosh..
We tried everything and we ended up wanting different things.
But this is the first time in my life, where I was like,
I could't figure this one out. I mean I wish there was a way to fix it
because I love this woman you know, with my whole heart.
And, you know, we would lay in bed and we would cry together
and we would just talk about it all the time.
But uh, this was the first time in life where, I was like I can't fix this.
I can't think my way out of this and, uh I didn't realize how much
shame came with just failing. This felt like a big failure as a man in this
country.
And in a way where I could't.. and you know everybody knows half of people get divorced.
-Totally.
-But it felt so monumental to me and divorce is such a common thing too.
You're not allowed to really.
-Grieve it. -Grieve it...
in the way that you feel like you can, especially as a man you are just supposed
to move on.
But it is a death in a way that, I have never felt before.
-When I lost my job during the recession, that was one of the most real, shameful feelings
as a man.
Now that I feel like I'm really a man, not just a boy anymore.
And uh, I remember like my whole world fell underneath me.
And I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to do.
And I didn't actually call my wife, I was just so ashamed that I lost my job.
And uh, took a while to kind of bring up the courage and um she..
When I told her we had this really long discussion and I realized
that I don't need to worry about those things. That she's my partner.
-Dealing with fear, shame and grief is something that I think I handle...
kind of internally.
I don't, I don't like to make those things external.
And I think that is kind of symptomatic of our society and the way that we've
created gender roles.
I think that, you know, everyone has a range of emotions, as a human being.
And uh, I think you should be able to display them at the appropriate time.
And not feel like you have to guard yourself and you know, put on a front.
I think, well the evolution aspect of your personality is really something that is hard
to become
comfortable with.
The idea that, you know, you're constantly in this process of becoming a newer version
and a better version of yourself.
-Yeah that's key. I think too.
I used to feel a lot of shame about a lot of the ways that I did shit because
it didn't seem "manly". But as I've gotten older,
I'm starting to realize it's a self defined thing.
It's like well, that's, that's who I am, that's the man that I am and
being comfortable with defining it for myself has not always been an easy process but it's
definitely one that I feel I'm coming to. You know what I mean?
*What does it mean to be a man today?*