AS I SAID BEFORE WHEN I WAS OVER THERE, WE'RE LIVE RIGHT NOW.
AND IF YOU REMEMBER--
IF YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED ON OUR LAST LIVE ELECTION SHOW,
THAT MAKES ONE OF US.
( LAUGHTER )
ME A BIT OFF GUARD, BUT TONIGHT I'M PREPARED.
I HAVE A LOVELY BOTTLE OF BOURBON RIGHT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IF FOR ANY REASON I NEED TO
PORMYSELF AN EMERGENCY DRINK, I CAN MERELY BREAK GLASS.
I CAN BREAK GLASS FOR GLASS.
RIGHT HERE.
( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A FEW MORE RESULTS.
TED CRUZ HAS HELD ON TO HIS SENATE SEAT
( BOOING ) IN TEXAS.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT, AHHH...
( APPLAUSE )
LATER.
OKAY.
THEN AGAIN, WHY WOULDN'T TED CRUZ WIN IN TEXAS?
BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, REAL COWBOYS ONLY LOVE THREE
THINGS: BARBECUE, RODEO, AND CANADIANS WHO WENT TO PRINCETON
AND HARVARD.
SO ONCE AGAIN, TED CRUZ DEFEATS BETO O'ROURKE.
ALTHOUGH, ALTHOUGH BY NOT BEING TED CRUZ, BETO STILL A WINNER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH!
WAS THIS EXCRETED BY AN ANGEL?
( LAUGHTER )
THIS MEANS REPUBLICANS HAVE OFFICIALLY KEPT CONTROL OF THE
U.S. SENATE AND TO CELEBRATE, REPUBLICANS ARE DEPORTING
IMMIGRANTS VIA CONFETTI CANNON.
THIS NEWS IS SURE TO BRING A SMILE COMITCH McCONNELL'S
FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, IN McCONNELL'S HOME STATE OF KENTUCKY, ANTIGAY
MARRIAGE COUNTY CLERK KIM DAVIS LOST HER RE-ELECTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL THIS TIME, ALL THIS TIME SHE
WAS WORRIED ABOUT GAY PEOPLE GETTING MARRIED WHEN SHE SHOULD
HAVE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT THEM VOTING.
NOW, DAVIS LOST TO A MAN NAMED BIELLWOOD CAWDELL JR., AND IN
NORTH DAEK, REPUBLICAN KEVIN CRAMER HAS DEFEATED HEIDI
HEITKAMP.
THIS WAS AN EXPECTED LOSS FOR HEIGHT CAMP, DESPITE THE
DEMOCRAT CAPTURING ALL OF NORTH DAEK'S BLACK VOTE, TODD.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, TODD.
DO WE HAVE THIS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW TODD?
>> Jon: YEAH, I KNOW TODD.
>> Stephen: IS HE A GOOD GUY?
>> Jon: YEAH, HE'S A GOOD GUY.
>> Stephen: HE MUST BE LONELY.
IN THE MINNESOTA SENATE RACE, TINA SMITH HAS DEFEATED
REPUBLICAN KAREN HOUSLEY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MINNESOTA SENATORS WILL REMAIN AMY KLOBUCHAR AND TINA SMITH,
THE MOST FAMOUS AIMY AND TINA COMBO IN THE HISTORY OF THE
WORLD.
( APPLAUSE )
REPUBLICAN RON DESANTIS HAS DEFEATED TALLAHASSEE MAYOR
ANDREW GILLUM.
IT'S A TOUGH LOSS.
GILLUM WOULD HAVE BEEN FLORIDA'S FIRST BLACK GOVERNOR.
BUT INSTEAD DESANTIS IS FLORIDA'S HISTORIC 46th
WHITE GOVERNOR.
THE STREAK CONTINUES.
AND IN KANSAS, A BIG WIN FOR DEMOCRATS AS LARA KELLY HAS
DECRETED GRAND IMPERIAL VOTE DEPRESSOR KRIS KOBACH.
COBACK, YOU MAY REMEMBER, IS THE GUY WHO TRUMP PUT IN CHARGE OF
FINDING THOSE THREE MILLION ILLEGAL VOTERS.
SO GOOD NEWS, KRIS.
YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO LOOK FOR THEM NOW.
MEANWHILE, OUGHT ON THE WEST COAST, IF THE DEMOCRATS CAN PULL
OFF-- DO WE HAVE THIS?
I'M TOLD WE HAVE MORE BREAKING NEWS FROM CBS.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
THIS IS N.Y.P.D. DETECTIVE DANNY REAGAN.
I HAVE SOME BREAKING NEWS.
WITH 100% OF MY FAMILY OF POLICE OFFICERS REPORTING, WE ARE NOW
ABLE TO PROJECT THAT NEW YORK HAS GONE BLUE WITH BLOOD.
BLUE BLOOD.
FRIDAYS ON CBS.
BACK TO YOU, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, DANNY.
OF COURSE, TRUMP HAS BEEN RALLYING HARD TO GET OUT THE
VOTE.
AND LAST NIGHT, HE MADE HIS CLOSING ARGUMENT-- NAMELY, THAT
IF THE REPUBLICANS LOSE THE HOUSE, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
>> I'M NOT ON THE TICKET-- ALTHOUGH THEY WANT TO PUT ME ON
THE TICKET.
I WILL SAY THIS-- IF WE DON'T DO SO WELL TOMORROW, THEY WILL PUT
ME ON THE TICKET.
IF WE DO GREAT TOMORROW, THEY WILL SAY, "HE HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH IT.
HE WAS NOT ON THE TICKET."
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE SIGN OF A TRUE LEADER.
HE REMINDS ME OF MY FAVORITE QUOTE FROM "BRAVEHEART, "THEY
MAY TAKE OUR LIVES BUT THEY WILL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM.
ALSO, IF THEY TAKE OUR LIVES, I WAS NEVER HERE!"
MEL IS SO GOOD IN THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEL IS SO GOOD IN THAT.
TRUMP WAS WILLING TO TRY ANYTHING TO GET VOTES.
>> THE DEMOCRAT PLAN WOULD OBLITERATE OBAMACARE.
>> Stephen: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
( LAUGHTER )
OBAMACARE NOW?
AM I FINALLY LOSING MY MIND?
"THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO DESTROY BEAUTIFUL OBAMACARE.
ALSO, DID YOU KNOW, I WAS BORN IN KENYA?
YEAH.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT.
I DON'T GET CREDIT FOR THAT PART."
BUT THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO GET OUT THE
VOTE.
SO WAS THE FIRST LADY WHO TWEETED -- WHATEVER THIS IS:
SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAT DOWN AND MADE THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
SITTING ON THEIR PHONE.
NOW, THIS-- THIS IS-- IS THIS TRUE?
THIS HAPPENED.
THIS IS HUGE.
A BALLOT MEASURE HAS PASSED IN FLORIDA WHICH RESTORES VOTING
RIGHTS TO MORE THAN ONE MILLION FORMER FELONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT RESTORES VOTING RIGHTS TO ONE MILLION FORMER FELONS AS OPPOSED
TO FLORIDA'S EXISTING RULE, WHICH GIVES VOTING RIGHTS TO
FUTURE FELONS.
ONE RACE-- I HAVE TO TAKE A MINUTE TO CALL HERE-- IN
VIRGINIA'S FIFTH DISTRICT, RIGGLEMAN BEATS KOCHBURN.
I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE RACE, NOR DO I CARE, BUT WE LIVE ON
CBS, AND I GET TO SAY THE WORDS "RIGGLEMAN" AND "KOCHBURN."
ONE CAN ONLY HOPE.
( APPLAUSE )
THEIR DIFFERENCES AND FIND ROMANCE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW
THEIR CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME, RIGGLE-KOCH.
WE'VE GOT A HARD BREAK COMING UP.
I CAN SEE THAT?
BEFORE WE GO, I JUST-- I WANT TO LET ALL OF OUR VIEWERS OUT THERE
KNOW CALIFORNIA, DELAWARE, MONTANA-- AND I'M JUST NAMING
STATES-- SOUTH CAROLINA, UTAH-- THIS IS A SURPRISE-- WEST
VIRGINIA IS STILL A STATE.
AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE ON TONIGHT'S RESULTS WITH THE STARS
OF SHOWTIME'S "THE CIRCUS," JOHN HEILEMANN, ALEX WAGNER.