>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: HI!
>> Stephen:-- YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS-- I'M ALWAYS REALLY
HAPPY.
WE HAVE A MUSICAL GUEST ON TONIGHT WHO IS ALSO GOING TO BE
MY FIRST GUEST.
MICHAEL BUBLE IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE.
AND ROSE MATAFEO FROM "STARSTRUCK" ON HBO IS GOING TO
BE OUT HERE TONIGHT, TOO.
BUT FIRST, MR. BUBLE, IS GOING TO BE HERE, AND I LOVE IT WHEN
THE GUEST IS HERE AND THEY SING WITH YOU ALL AND THE BAND.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SONGS YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING?"
>> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING REQUESTED CRAZY" FOR THE
WEB.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT
OVER THERE, SIFTING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, HAND
SELECTING ONLY THE FINEST, MOST PERFECTLY AGED BURMESE NEWS
TEAK.
THEN CAREFULLY CARVING AND SHAPING IT INTO A REFINED
BUDDHA, DEPICTED IN THE "CALLING THE EARTH TO WITNESS" GESTURE,
WITH CHARACTERISTIC CIRCULAR PATTERNS ON THE ROBE, SHINS, AND
KNEES, OF COURSE, WHICH I THEN CAREFULLY GILD WITH THE
MOST TOPICAL GOLD LEAF.
I THEN HARVEST THE SAP OF THE USITATA TREE TO APPLY A DELICATE
THAI-O LACQUER, AND FINALLY HAND DECORATE IT WITH WHITE GLASS
INLAYS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS AMARA-PURA PERIOD
SCULPTURE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I WASH UP ON A GALVESTON
BEACH, NAKED ON A RAFT OF GAS CANS AFTER ESCAPING A FIGHT CLUB
IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS.
THEN, STILL DERANGED ON A COCKTAIL OF MESCALINE AND COUGH
SYRUP, I STEAL A CINDER BLOCK FROM UNDER A STRIPPED '87 FORD
TAURUS, AND CHIP AWAY AT IT WITH A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE I
SCAVENGED FROM A GOODWILL DUMPSTER UNTIL IT VAGUELY
RESEMBLES THE HUNGERING WOLF THAT SCRATCHES AT THE DOOR
OF MY DREAMS AND PRESENT TO YOU THE TORMENTED DREAD-EFFIGY OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE.
THAT IS LIKE A SORBET FOR THE MIND.
MEANWHILE, IN MASSACHUSSETTS, JETBLUE PASSENGERS WERE LEFT
WAITING ON THEIR PLANE AFTER THE JETBLUE AIRPORT CREW HAD LEFT
FOR THE NIGHT.
THEY SAT ON THE TARMAC A WHILE, AND THEN THE PILOT SAID, "I HAVE
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING TO TELL YOU GUYS."
ADDING, "I USED TO FLY FOR SPIRIT."
( LAUGHTER )
EVEN MORE OF AN 'EI-FULL,' BECAUSE IT "GREW BY NEARLY 20
FEET ON TUESDAY AFTER ENGINEERS HOISTED A NEW
COMMUNICATIONS ANTENNA AT THE VERY TOP BY USING A HELICOPTER
TO LOWER THE ANTENNA INTO PLACE.
PARISIANS WONDERED AT THE ADDITION.
THOUSANDS GATHERED BELLOW TO LOOK ON AND EXCLAIM:
"EH."
( LAUGHTER )
RARE...
>> "MEANWHILE UPDATE!" >> Stephen: LAST YEAR, WE
BROUGHT YOU THE STORY OF A NEW ZEALAND COUPLE WHO WERE BELIEVED
TO HAVE FOUND THE WORLD'S LARGEST POTATO.
JIM, DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THAT POTAT-- OH,MY GOD
JIMMY, CAN YOU MAKE IT LESS SCARY?
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
GOOD FOR THE POTATO, BECAUSE THIS WEEK, "GUINNESS WORLD
RECORDS" RULED THAT THE GIANT POTATO IS NOT, IN FACT, A POTATO
BUT SOMETHING CALLED A GOURD TUBER.
REALLY?
BECAUSE WHEN I LOOK AT THIS ABOMINATION, I WANT TO SCREAM,
"THERE IS NO GOURD."
MEANWHILE, "THE ROLLING STONES JUST ANNOUNCED A 60th
ANNIVERSARY EUROPEAN TOUR, WHICH THEY ARE CALLING "SIXTY."
ALSO IN HONOR OF THEIR INCREDIBLY LONG CAREER, THEY ARE
RENAMING THEMSELVES "THE KIDNEY STONES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
TAKE A DRINK OF WATER.
IT'S A QUALITY JOKE.
MEANWHILE, THE AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB JUST PUBLISHED THEIR LIST
OF THE MOST POPULAR DOG BREEDS, AND FOR THE 31st YEAR IN A ROW
LABS ARE NUMBER ONE.
( APPLAUSE )
REACHED FOR COMMENT, A LAB SAID, "BACON?"
BACON?
MEANWHILE-- SQUIRREL?
CRUISE LINE VIRGIN VOYAGES HAS LAUNCHED A NEW ADULTS-ONLY SHIP,
WITH SLIGHTLY LESS USUAL OFFERINGS, LIKE A TATTOO PARLOR.
BECAUSE THERE'S NO HIGHER QUALITY TATTOO THAN ONE
ADMINISTERED ON OPEN WATER: "YES, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A
SKULL, BUT WE WERE IN SOME PRETTY BIG SWELLS, SO I GOT, I'M
GONNA SAY, A GOURD TUBER WITH DENTURES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
GOURD!
MAKE IT TALK.
MEANWHILE, DOLLY PARTON HAS DECLINED HER ROCK & ROLL HALL OF
FAME NOMINATION.
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY, DOLLY.
YOU CAN JUST SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CLEVELAND."
( LAUGHTER )
BUBLE.
♪ ♪ ♪