NOW I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS,
BUT AT A RECENT CAMPAIGN EVENT IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, JEB BUSH WAS
DISCUSSING THE OTHER CANDIDATES AND HE DISPLAYED HIS TRADEMARK
MATURITY. TAKE A LOOK.
>> FIRST OF ALL, I'M PRETTY SURE MARCO CAN PUT HIS BIG BOY PANTS
ON. I KNOW I CAN.
DONALD SEEMS TO HAVE A HARDER TIME TAKING CRITICISM.
HE PROBABLY NEEDS TO PUT ON HIS BIG BOY PANTS TOO!
JAMES: WHOA!
WHOA! WHOA!
THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS! LET'S NOT START THROWING AROUND
THIS HARD LANGUAGE SO EARLY IN THE CAMPAIGN!
"BIG BOY PANTS."
I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT?
JEB BUSH ISSUING A PRESS RELEASE THAT TED CRUZ IS A "GIANT POOPY
HEAD"?
[LAUGHTER] ALTHOUGH IN FAIRNESS, TED CRUZ
IS A GIANT POOPY HEAD.
I'LL GIVE JEB THAT ONE. [APPLAUSE]
NOW IT'S POSSIBLE THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE 20 OR SO MAJOR
DEMOCRATIC AND REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENTS AND
THINKING "I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THEM."
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE THERE ARE CURRENTLY OVER
1200 INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE FILED A STATEMENT OF CANDIDACY WITH
THE FEDERAL ELECTION COMMISSION TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016.
ALL OF THESE PEOPLE LEGITIMATELY APPLIED.
THERE ARE 1200 PEOPLE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, BUT YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW BECAUSE ONLY 1100 OF THEM WERE ONSTAGE AT THE LAST
REPUBLICAN DEBATE.
[APPLAUSE] NOW OF COURSE -- NOW WE ALL KNOW
THAT DEEZ NUTZ IS RUNNING.
WE KNOW THAT. BUT ACCORDING TO THIS LIST, DID
YOU KNOW THAT HIS BROTHER DEEZ W. NUTZ IS ALSO RUNNING?
TRUE STORY. [LAUGHTER]
HONESTLY. YOU'D THINK THERE'D ONLY BE TWO
NUTZ, BUT GENUINELY, THIS IS TRUE -- BOFA DEEZ NUTS, CEEDEEZ
NUTZ, AND HOLD MA NUTZ ARE ALSO RUNNING.
I MEAN, COME ON.
DO WE REALLY WANT AMERICA TO HAVE A NUTZ DYNASTY AND A BUSH
DYNASTY?
IS THAT SOMETHING THAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR?
SOME OF THESE NAMES AREN'T EVEN JOKES.
THERE'S ONE CANDIDATE ON THE LIST NAMED "AAAAAAAAAAAA,
AAAAAAAAAAAA!" WHICH IS COINCIDENTALLY THE SAME SOUND I
MAKE ANY TIME DONALD TRUMP TALKS ABOUT IMMIGRATION.
[APPLAUSE] ALL OF THESE CANDIDATES -- THIS
MUST BE WHAT PEOPLE ARE DOING AT THEIR OFFICE JOBS.
"HEY DREW, DID YOU GET THOSE BUDGET SPREADSHEETS DONE?"
"UH NO I WAS A LITTLE BUSY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
AND IF YOU COULD CALL ME PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE DREW P. WEENUR AS IT SAYS ON MY APPLICATION, I'D
APPRECIATE IT." THAT ONE'S ALSO REAL, BY THE
WAY.
TRUE STORY. I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD VOTE FOR
DREW P. WEENUR. I'M NOT SURE.
I HEAR HE LEANS A LITTLE BIT TO THE LEFT.
THANK YOU.
ONE OF MY OWN.
THIS IS THING.
AT LEAST THE PEOPLE ON THIS LIST ARE HONEST.
YOU CAN TELL THEY'RE A JOKE THE SECOND YOU HEAR THEIR NAMES.
THEY'RE FUNNY "HA HA" WHEREAS THE LEADING REPUBLICAN
CANDIDATES ARE FUNNY "HAA -- I'M MOVING MY FAMILY
BACK TO ENGLAND." YEAH.
SEE YOU LATER.
BUT WE TAKE THESE CANDIDATES SERIOUSLY.
STEPHEN COLBERT TALKED TO DONALD TRUMP AND JEB BUSH.
BUT HERE ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW," WE ARE GOING TO INVITE
ONE CANDIDATE FROM THIS LIST TO COME ON TO THE SHOW.
SO WE WILL PICK NOW AT RANDOM.
JUST STOP.
STOP THERE. THERE WE GO.
HILL-ARY ROD-HAM CLIN-TON.
WELL, WHOEVER YOU ARE, WE'D LOVE TO GIVE YOU A VOICE.
PLEASE COME DOWN AND SEE US.
GO AHEAD AND SHOOT US AN EMAIL. ACTUALLY, YOU'RE NOT SO GOOD AT
THAT. MAYBE JUST GIVE US A CALL.
GIVE US A CALL.