a simple technique to have more
influence and be more persuasive
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Damon Cart from NLP Gym flipping
conversational frames on people
persuasion and influence. If you haven't
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dating is actually a great way to test
your communication skills and to work on
becoming more persuasive and having more
influence lately a lot of guys have been
asking me questions about dating and
navigating the treacherous waters of the
dating scene everybody read a lot and I
have a lot of good tips to get people
not this man but also women because
healthy is about understanding of people
process information and how they make
decisions those men and women often find
dating to be really difficult and what
happens is a lot of them rush into
getting into a relationship and suddenly
with someone who's not really a
ideal mate for them but they would
rather do that than throw themselves
into the dating scene or in some cases people would
rather just be alone than engage it and
that's really sad because then people
don't really get what they want it's
sort of like people will pay more for a
car
thousands of dollars more because they
are afraid to get into that whole
negotiation with a car salesperson but
if you know what you're doing you can
come out on top
knowing conversational frames and being
persuasive and having influence you're
more likely to find the mate who is
right for you
residents that one for someone who's
really not right for you but you're just
settling with the
because you're afraid to do more dating
or you're afraid to be intimidating but
you don't understand so it's frustrating
i'm really curious about people and that
is a great mindset to start with
it's not a conversational frame it's
more a mindset if you're just curious
you can ask questions of people very
curious way and it's sincere
it is amazing what information they will
give you so that's just a mindset so
we're going into a situation where you
want to persuade you want to be
influential and happen to be dating a
comfortable place of curiosity even if
you find that you're maybe not even
interested person just have fun with
that just be curious just ask them
questions you just want to step into
their world a little bit you want to
know more about them using
conversational frames it's it's really
an enormous subject and there are
hundreds of frame so I'm only going to
give you one here and it's something you
can use not different dating but any
type of negotiation any type of sales
any type of situation where you want to
persuade or you want to influence are
you at least you have something in the
situation at stake are you there
something you want
it's good to know this conversational
frame having to like talking about
dating and when it comes to
conversational frames with are actually
Timothy natural that this is going to be
a lot better than men are
and it's understandable that they are
because if you think about thousands of
years civilization where they have had
to figure out how to get their needs met
how to get what they want through other
means than the physical what i mean by
that is they lived in a world where men
plate overpower them so they had to use
other ways to get what they want and so
conversation influence persuasion
especially when it comes to situations
where sexual tension women are usually
natural that this louis ck is one of my
favorite comedians and he actually does
a super funny comedy did about this and
about dating within test men and dating
situations and it's usually very subtle
initially very over and I think a lot of
women don't even realize they're not
show aware that we're doing it it's just
natural for them to do it and it's
normal for guys to get kind of angry
about this usually happens before they
realized they suddenly find themselves
trying to qualify themselves to a woman
who was just basically asking them we
might sound like several questions but
there's something deeper going on and I
didn't that situation most guys have
been that situation and it's kind of
irritating probably with most irritating
is it like being checkmated well before
you saw it coming like you're playing
chess and slightly need to check then
you're like oh my god how did that even
happen a lot of this happens very
quickly and it's frustrating because it
we don't see it happening until it's too
late
any time you find yourself in a
situation where you're trying to qualify
yourself to someone
stop right there is the matter of your
man or woman stop right there and
realize it's time to slip the frame
never try to qualify yourself
it only will make you look weak it's
sort of like when it happens and
somebody's able to question to that
position but they're basically doing
they're digging a hole they're putting
you in a hole and they're going out of
your way out of it
my advice to you is not to fall into the
hole in the first place
so what do you do put it back on them
flip the frame and one of the best ways
to do this is when they offer you a
challenge or issues like going to come
to the end of part of the question but
not always
when they all do that challenge which
put you in that position where you now
have to qualify yourself where you think
that you do stop right there understand
what their intensive and then challenged
by their initial question and then go
straight to their intent and this is
probably most of the best ways is done
is when you respond with a question so
they send you a question or challenge
you understand where the intended coming
from so this is what this is the part
where we can understand the question
there's something deeper going on than
just the initial question so we're going
to shoot to the intent so they asked the
question i'm going to give some let me
give you some examples they asked the
question you overlook the question and
look at their 10 and then question there
in tip and by doing that you flip the
brain and put it back on down here to
think
yes the first and highly skilled they're
going to know what you're doing and
they're going to flip the frame back on
you and this when this happens now
you're engaged in a verbal jiu-jitsu
there's the slight amount matters that
they call her lokito 1l this when you're
flipping friends like this you're in
verbal jiu-jitsu you more full-contact
that's more full on and it becomes more
cereal but can also be fun and it can
also be playful good defense in a good
office so little yours using this this
is your defense and it's actually an
office of the movie
as well because you don't want to sound
defensive and we give you a personal
example and I'm gonna use dating i met a
woman out for wine tasting it was a
first date and it was going very well I
after to have dinner with me that night
she came to dinner everything continues
to go very very well I asked her to come
back to my place afterwards and things
continue to go really well she made
really good eye contact she smiled at me
a lot
she was receptive to touch all the time
for their finally I moved into the kids
and suddenly everything changed
it was almost like she became a
different person
it wasn't like she was playing cat mouse
and she wanted me to try order it was
like yo met know and it was no I was
very surprised know like what's up
what's going on and she said a few
things to get weird and so our flight
without a little bit know if we're aware
this was pulling was going to where she
was coming from trying to figure it out
and finally shoot through and something
that no one has ever said to me and it
hit me between the eyes
she says so black girls are easy i
didn't want to say I don't discriminate
on based on race especially not in
dating i like all races I date all races
and I've yet to find that rate
determines whether a woman is easy are
not only like to use that word
immediately immediately she said that
once the shock started to wear off a bit
i started feeling like I was all by
myself I wanted to defend myself I
wanted to tell her that
wasn't a racist or was sexist that I
hate when people to let shame i think
that's wrong and I'm like all these
things on the blog i'm really a good guy
blah-blah-blah-blah-blah
please like me blot and in my younger
years that's exactly what I would have
done but I compose myself I knew what
was going on here and I don't I did not
believe that that was what she actually
thought that moment was really intense
and we were locking eyes and not in a
good way and I just looked at her and
said do you think that that's what I
think do you think that that's what I
think about black women and she went on
the defensive and she started to stutter
and started to try to explain herself
that some white guys think that went a
lot but at that point I clearly set the
frame let slip the brain and i set the
frame and things have gotten just weird
enough by that point that I was no
longer interested in her and so I just
kind of waiting things out
I walked her to her car as i was telling
her goodbye turned to me and said I
would love to hang out with you again
right anyway needless to say I never
called her back been dating example
there are many other contexts you can
use this if you're it if you are buying
a car
one of the things to know and this is
more mindset is that it's much easier
for you to find someone willing to sell
your card that is right down the
salesperson to find someone who wants to
buy part from them so you have that
leverage right there if you understand
that everything they're doing is to make
that sell not necessarily to make you
happy
you can call that out on them they can
throw things
you to stun you two to get inside your
head or try to deflect but if you turn
it back on and say I understand you're
saying that because you need to sell a
car but i need to buy a car and i'm
going to spend many years with this car
you're not going to spend many years
with me once I'm gone I'm pretty much
gone and let me come back and complain
if you're in a tense negotiations and
this could be almost with anything and
the other party States their demand for
state their case which you can then do
because they're sort of trying to impose
the frame they're trying to set the
frame again go to that intention of what
you think it is
they're wanting and often times what
happens is the demand they put forth but
they're the praying they're setting is
bigger than what they expect so they're
putting across a much bigger frame
they're asking for more than what you
think they're going to give them so that
you can chip away at some of the stuff
and then they actually get what they
want to get with expect and you feel
like you've negotiated so there that's
where they're going to come from going
to go for the ass for everything and
know that you're going to chip away from
it you can jump past that and go
straight to their tent and say okay what
I hear you saying and go over what
they're asking and direct their tent
what I hear you saying is that you're
asking for a lot more than you know
you're going to get tell me exactly what
it is that you want that is a very
powerful frame the set and then get they
tell you ask them then say so is that
all you want and then focused on that
and then only stick to that and don't
let him out of that they told you what
it is you've told you said ok so that's
what you want
this and you've nailed the frame so you
got them to narrow it to be very clear
about it you haven't given anything away
yet but once you've got a narrower
clarify it shrink it down then you
kaplan ok so that's all that you're
asking for
so if you ever find yourself in a
situation where is a person of setting
frame that is going to make you look bad
no matter how you answer remember it
this time to flip that frame straight
very 10 and ask usually a question
asking a question you could be a
challenge you can still challenge
without having a question but most of
the time it's going to be a question and
go to raise their intent and challenge
their tent and you will then flip the
frame on them
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