I'm excited.
I got a--
I'm a teacher.
I love my job teaching.
Yeah.
Wait!
But let me-- let me tell you where, first.
Let me tell you where.
I teach inmates at the local jails in California.
[applause]
Yeah.
I'm a life skills coach.
So as a life skills coach who teaches inmates,
I teach substance/alcohol abuse, domestic violence, parenting,
anger management-- everything that they need
to start rehabilitation now.
You know.
So they can go back into the world, and at least, you know,
we'll try to help them be successful.
But it's hard working in a jail with a bunch of male inmates,
you know, because, uh, I'm cute, and every day
is like a weird adventure almost, because the inmates,
you know, when you cute, they don't care.
They say what they want to say to you.
Now I wear something very similar to this at work.
It's-- I call it a butt curtain.
And what it does is it hides my booty
from everybody who's trying to look, especially the students.
So one day, I'm sitting at my desk at work,
and I'm grading some papers.
And my class had already left.
And I took this off, because I'm in my class all by myself.
This guy walks in, inmate from nowhere,
opens up my classroom door, walks in,
and goes, knock, knock, knock!
[laughter]
I said, did you just say, knock, knock, knock?
He goes, I sure did!
Knock, knock, knock!
I didn't know what to say.
I was like, uh, who's there?
[laughter]
He goes, Jamal Wescott.
I said, uh, Jamal Wescott who?
And he goes, Jamal Wescott who roams all the way over here
for 15 minutes from tower 1 just to see what Miss C look like,
because everybody keep talking about how
fine she is, how cute she is, how smart she is,
how funny she is.
And I had to come all the way over here and see for myself.
Now, what they have in the classroom is a panic button.
My hand was touching that fucking button.
It was so close.
So I stood up and I said, hey, listen,
you know, you-- you know, you can go to the hole
for roaming over here.
He was like, I'll go to the hole for you Miss C. What you need?
[laughter]
What you want?
[laughter]
So I said, rather than kick you out my class
and press this button and have them come get you out,
I'll try to help you.
I said, what classes do you need?
He said, shit, whatever class you teaching
is the one that I need.
So I'm standing up at this point,
and he just starts staring.
I've got no butt curtain on.
I'm naked right now, apparently.
I kid you not, he goes, oh, yeah.
They ain't even tell me you had all that.
Damn!
You know what Miss C?
I don't want-- I don't even want to be disrespectfulness to you
or nothing like that, so--
I don't want to be disrespectfulness,
so I'm going to go ahead and just
leave, because I wasn't even prepared for that right there.
Damn.
I'm going to get out of here, Miss C.
But I'm going to be back, though.
So he leaves.
And when he goes out the classroom, all I hear
is him yell in the hallway, why ain't
nobody tell me Miss C was--
she was packing like that?
Then I hear a deputy go, you ain't ask me!
I'd of been told you if you'd have asked me.
Why you think I work this floor?
I don't give a shit about y'all.
I'm here for Miss C.
Then they gave me a promotion.
No.
No, no, no.
They called me in one day and they said, they go, Miss C,
we want you to do something.
And I said, what's up?
We want you to go upstairs and want you to teach the gay guys.
And I was like, how the fuck is that a promotion?
I don't understand how--
they said, go up there.
They'll love you.
I said, OK, cool. I'm gonna do it.
Whatever.
I go up there to teach the gay guys.
Somebody calls me to the side.
They say, Miss C, they're not going to like you.
I said, why?
They said, because the teacher that they've had,
he's been here for 20 years. He retired.
They don't like new.
I was like, nah, they're going to love me.
He said, OK, good luck.
I'm nervous, but I know how to get a gay guy.
I know what to do.
I went in there designered out.
I had on Louboutin shoes with a Louboutin belt.
I had a tote bag with nothing in it.
I wore it for the effect.
I needed them to see that I'm about this goddamn life
over here.
I walk into the classroom.
I put my bag down on the desk.
I start writing my name on the board, my introduction,
who I am, and what I do.
For 15 seconds-- this is all you hear, for 15 seconds.
[tongue clicking]
[laughter]
Yes.
Yes, bitch.
Yes!
Yes, my teacher slays, bitch.
But the ringleader, his name was Tracy.
Tracy didn't like me.
He won't even look at me.
I'm standing here.
His back is to me.
And the guy's telling him, oh my god, you
need to look at our teacher.
And Tracy's like, no.
And he's like, but she's cute.
And he's like, I bet you she's not.
So he goes, you need to turn around and see our teacher.
He goes, I don't want to.
He goes, bitch, she got on Louies.
This is how Tracy turned around.
[laughter]
Mind you, Tracy bald.
[laughter]
That shit is fake.
[laughter]
I looked at Tracy, and first of all, I said,
my shit ain't fake, Tracy.
He goes, why are you mad at me?
I said, you know what?
Let's start this over.
I said, hi, I'm Miss C. He goes, mm.
I'm Tracy.
[laughter]
Why y'all do that?
If you're a man in here and you're gay, calm down.
All this shit right here--
problem?
What?
Mad?
What?
So I said, Tracy, I like you.
He goes, you do? I said, yeah.
I think you're really--
you know, we got off on the wrong foot,
but I like those shoes you made.
[laughter]
He goes, oh, these old things?
I say, yes, those old-- you put a little shoestring in there.
I see what you doing.
He goes, you-- you like these?
I say, yes, I love those.
You put a little bottle cap on the bottom so you could make--
he could get the click click, click click,
click click, click click, click click,
click click, click click.
I was cool with Tracy until Tracy
tried to check me one day.
I walk into the classroom, start class.
He going to to come up to me and go, Miss C, no.
I said, well, what's wrong with what I got on?
He goes, those jeans?
No.
I said, what's wrong with my jeans?
He said, you wore those already.
I said, I washed these, too.
I can wear them as many times as I want to.
He said, no.
You're a diva.
Divas don't do that.
We don't wear the same thing twice.
I'm checking you.
I turned into Tracy.
I was like, really?
You checking?
Who?
Who are you?
Who are you checking?
Me?
Uh, funny thing, you wear the same shit all week.
Who the fuck is you checking, Tracy?
You playing with.
He going to get mad, talking about some touch , touch .
You ain't even--
Trying to date out here in California, that's difficult.
Dating is difficult because I got kids.
That's hard, when you got kids.
I hate them.
People always get mad, and like, oh my god, how could
you say you hate your kids? You don't know them.
You don't know my life.
Don't be telling me what I can and cannot do.
I got three.
I got a 17-year-old son, 6' 1", 140 pounds,
got my whole face-- adorable.
He going to come up to me the other day and say,
why you keep leaving condoms on my bed?
I was like, because you in these streets,
and I'm in these streets.
So don't bring me home no little bald-headed-ass baby.
I'm not trying to be no grandmother no time soon.
And I won't bring you home no little brother or sister
that you got to watch, because you're gonna lose either way,
OK?
Let's just-- help me help you, OK?
You know what?
Give me back one of them condoms.
I'm going somewhere tonight. Give it to me.
Give it to me. I got shit to do tonight.
Give it to me.