- A few years ago, a girl from school emailed me
via my website, and I'd like to read that email
to you now if I may.
So it starts, hi, Sarah.
Before you think, who the hell is this writing to me,
I used to be Lynn Turner.
Well, I suppose in a way I still am, but my name changed
when I got married, not just my waistline.
I just had to write and get in touch after hearing you
on Radio Five and then spotting you on ITV.
You look great, you've hardly changed. How are you doing?
I've just been looking at your website.
It all looks amazing.
I was watching the TV on Saturday night
with my husband and two boys and you appeared.
Thanks, Sarah, you've actually done
my street cred the world of good.
My boys, aged 11 and 10, are very impressed
that mum went to school with someone famous.
We were talking about it all night.
Do you ever get back home to South Shields?
I hardly ever get back there.
I moved down South when I was 21.
I'd met my husband, a Southerner,
and we set up home in Romford.
He travels with his job,
so we've been lucky enough to live all over the world.
We next moved to Denmark where I gave birth to Giles
and then moved on to Rome where I gave birth to Harvey.
Family complete, we moved to the Middle East.
We moved from there to Monaco. (sighs)
(audience laughs)
We moved from there the Monaco, then the Hague,
followed by a three year stint back up North in Jesmond
before eventually settling down in leafy Hampshire.
We've lived here for four years now,
so life is as settled as it gets.
I decided I had to do something else with my life
and went back to work last year as a teaching assistant.
I'd really love it if you could find the time
to write and get in touch,
or if you're down this neck of the woods
it'd be great to see you again.
Take care, Lynn.
She was one of my bullies.
(audience laughs)
And she wasn't a punchy bully,
she was a psychological bully.
She'd try and fuck me up, I suppose.
I remember one time she came up to me in the playground
and she said to me, did you write into "Just 17" this week?
And I went, no.
And she went, oh well, thought you had.
And off she flounced.
She the lunch break, I went to the news agent
and I bought a copy of "Just 17".
Now if you don't know what "Just 17" is,
it's a magazine that you read until you're 15.
(audience laughs)
If you're still reading it at 17,
something has gone horribly wrong,
because now you should be reading "More Magazine"
and learning about the positions of the fortnight.
(audience applauds)
And just so you know, I got a wheelbarrow now,
doesn't look anything like that.
(audience laughs)
So I'm standing outside of the news agent
with a copy of "Just 17", I flicked to the problem page,
and on the perimeter of the problem page, all problems
about sex, and I knew she wouldn't think that was me.
But right dead centre, right in the middle,
was a problem entitled, "Am I a Boring Square?"
She made me buy my fucking insult.
So I replied to her email.
(audience laughs)
Now you got to be careful with this, you got to be careful,
'cause I might have misremembered things,
I might've been overly sensitive at the time,
but also I didn't want to give her anything
that she could fling back in my face and say you're wrong,
so this is all I sent, just the one line.
Hello, Lynne, to be honest,
I probably won't reply any more fully than this
as I don't remember you very favourably.
(audience cheers)
I think what I was hoping for at school
was like an ugly duckling revelation moment.
We all know the story of the ugly duckling, don't we,
that becomes the beautiful swan?
So it was never an ugly duckling, was it?
It was always a perfectly lovely signet.
That's what the book should've been called.
The perfectly lovely signet and his rubbish time
with the shitty ducks.
(audience laughs)
But people think the moral of that story
is don't judge something because you might be wrong.
I don't think that's the moral, I think the moral is
don't be mean to anything because it might grow up
to steal your chips and break your arm.
(audience laughs)
But if not an ugly duckling moment,
then maybe a Plain Jane Superbrain moment.
Now the only people that are gonna get that reference
are about my age and watched "Neighbours" growing up.
If you don't know who Plain Jane Superbrain was,
she's just a girl called Jane who wore glasses
and then one day, they took her glasses off her.
(audience laughs)
They put her in a taffeta dress
and then everyone wanted to fuck her.
(audience laughs)
Even Helen Daniels.
(audience laughs)
That's not how glasses work though, is it?
That's not how glasses work.
Because you haven't all been looking at me tonight going,
ah, I really don't fancy her at all.
Fucking hell I would, fucking hell I would.
(audience laughs)
Not even a twinge, not even a twinge.
Fucking hell, I'd shove it in any hole she let us.
(audience laughs)
It's not how glasses work.
Hello, I'm Sarah Millican, and thanks very much
for watching my videos.
I'm going on tour with a brand new show
called "Bobby Dazzler".
For all the information about where I'm going and when,
go to sarahmillican.co.uk.
Thanks!