Is there someone in your life that's going through a divorce from a narcissist? Here
are the things never to say to someone going through a divorce from a narcissist.
Hi, I'm Rebecca Zung, top 1% attorney and the bestselling author of the books Negotiate
Like You MATTER and Breaking Free: A Step‑By‑Step Divorce Guide. And I've helped thousands of
people go from lives of drama, trauma, and chaos, dealing with their divorce to step
into lives of freedom, possibility, and purpose. And I do the same thing for you and for those
of you who are supporting these people right here on this channel. So make sure you hit
that subscribe button, you hit that notification bell, and that way you'll get notified every
time I upload a brand new video. So you have a friend or a family member or
somebody who is going through a divorce and that person is dealing with a full-on narcissist,
whether it's a covert narcissist, a grandiose or an overt narcissist, or a malignant narcissist,
a narcissist by any other name is still a narcissist. And if you want to know more about
the kinds of narcissists, check out my video on the three kinds of narcissists, where I
go into much more detail about the kinds of narcissists there are and the kinds of ways
that they behave when the person is in a divorce situation. So when somebody is going through
a divorce from a narcissist, I can tell you from experience helping people dealing with
this that they are in hell. They're in hell being married to the person, but when they
end up deciding to leave the narcissist, or maybe it's the narcissist has decided to leave
them, then it's all-out war. These people are in for the fight of their
lives, there's no doubt about it. There's definitely light at the end of the tunnel,
there is definitely a way to escape. Many millions of people have done it and have seen
the better side of things and have a much better life now, so there's of course a reason
to do it. But while they're in the middle of that divorce, they are in full-on survival
mode. It is like they are in the trenches of one of the worst wars of their life. When
you are dealing with a narcissist, you're either for them or you're against them. So
once they realize that you're against them, then they potentially will not be getting
any more narcissistic supply source, which is supplies anything that feeds a narcissist;
ego, good or bad. Then that person no longer has any value to the narcissist. And even
worse, that person actually becomes a liability to the narcissist.
So what the narcissist will do is go to get right out in front of it, they go on an all-out
war. Smear campaign, intimidation tactics, using the court system as their sword, trying
to line up their flying monkeys, filing false pleadings, saying false things against these
people, using anything they can to use it against them. Any kind of text message they're
not above, or below, depending on how you look at it, manipulating text messages to
use in their favor, leaving parts out, copying and pasting things. They'll do all of that.
I even had a client one time whose ex-spouse or soon-to-be ex-spouse had some kind of technological
abilities and was able to go in and break into this person's email and actually remove
an email from their email account. It just was disappeared, it was gone. So they'll stop
at nothing. That's what the person that you want to support is dealing with when they're
dealing with somebody who is a narcissist in a divorce.
And if you are the one who's getting ready to divorce a narcissist, or you're here supporting
somebody who's getting ready to divorce a narcissist, check out my video on Before Leaving
a Narcissist, Watch This. So here are the things you should never do when you're trying
to support this person. Number one, don't say, "I know how you feel." If you've not
been in a relationship with a narcissist, you do not know how it feels. I can say from
personal experience, I've had to deal with a couple of covert narcissists, and not even
as a husband but as people close enough to me to wreak havoc and cause damage. And the
psychological games that they play, the tricks that they do on your mind, the way that they
make you feel, the trauma that they inflict upon you is so unique and so different and
so awful that you can't say, "I know how you feel," unless you've actually felt it. So
instead of saying, "I know how you feel," say instead, "How are you feeling?" Let them
vent. Number two, don't say, "He or she seemed so
nice. He seemed like such a nice guy. She seemed like such a great gal." Because that
actually just causes more confusion and more trauma onto your friend. It doesn't help.
Yes, that person really did seem nice when you were around. That's what narcissists do.
They want their target, their victim to be the only one that sees that side of them so
that they feel isolated. They're trying to control that person. And so, yes, they're
going to seem like they were always nice. They were loved bombing you too. And you were
part of the scheme and you were part of the plan. So by saying that person seemed so nice,
you're in a way saying to your friend or your loved one, your family member that you don't
even believe them. And you have to believe them. If they are going to start to heal and
if you want to offer support that they actually feel, then you have to say, "I believe you.
They tricked us too. They tricked the world." That will actually make the person feel so
much better. Similarly, don't say, "Oh, they always seemed
off to me." Because if you say something like that, then in some ways you might be saying
to that person, "I saw it, I don't know why you didn't." And then, again, that person's
going to feel like a failure or feel more traumatized by the fact that they didn't see
it, or that they did see it and they stayed anyway. So, those kinds of things aren't helpful
for your friend or a loved one. Don't say things like, "Oh, I hear you. My partner drives
me crazy too. He leaves his socks around," or, "She's super messy," or, "She doesn't
take care of the kids the way I'd like," or whatever, because now you're just communicating
to this person, number one, that you're not listening to them, you're not hearing what
they're having to say. And number two, you're saying, even though you're saying, "I hear
you," you're saying, "I don't hear you at all." Because the kinds of things that you're
dealing with in a normal relationship are not at all the same things that people are
dealing with when they're dealing with a narcissist. I can tell you that from personal experience.
I would tell people about things that were going on with a couple of these couple of
covert narcissist that I had to deal with. And in some way, I just got to a point where
I was just not saying anything about it anymore, because a lot of times these narcissists are
so good at being stealth. They're so good at hiding what they do or the kinds of little
things that they do are just enough that if you tell somebody about it, the other person's
going to think you're crazy, or, "What's the big deal? What's the problem?" Or, "That seems
so small," or, "That person's so nice. It must have been inadvertent." And so you just
end up feeling much more isolated and that even adds more to the trauma.
So if you turn things around where you say, "I hear you, I'm having the same problem with
my spouse. My spouse leaves things around the house, or, "Doesn't call when they say
they're going to be late," or something that is clearly not the same as the abuse, the
serious psychological and emotional abuse that narcissists inflict on people, then they're
not going to feel heard and they're not going to feel supported. Instead, say, "I hear you
and I see that you're suffering. How can I help? How can I support you?"
The next thing never to say, just somebody who's divorcing a narcissist is, "I would
never divorce. I don't believe in divorce. Divorce is never good for the children. What
are you doing to your family? You're breaking up your family." Things like that. You don't
know what's going on behind closed doors, you don't know the psychological abuse that's
happening there. And this is usually a sole decision for a person. When a person goes
to leave a relationship with a narcissist, they're usually running away from it with
their hair on fire as if they're running out of a burning building. It is survival for
them. It is like, "I have no other choice but to get the hell out of this thing as fast
as possible." And oftentimes, it takes years. Years for a person who is a target of a narcissist
to get up the strength, to get up the courage, to feel strong enough, to feel like they can
actually maybe escape from this person. And so if you turn around as a loved one and
say, "I would never do that," and judge them for that, it's just going to cause them maybe
to go back into their hole and send them back into that place of darkness and that place
with abuse being inflicted upon them, so don't do that. And as far as whether or not it's
good for the kids or not good for the kids, it is seriously never good for kids to be
in a toxic environment and be subjected to potentially psychological and emotional abuse
themselves, or witness their parent being a target of that. So definitely never say,
"I would never divorce." Instead, say, "I support your decision. I understand that it
must have been really hard for you to come to that decision."
Another thing not to say is nothing, because sometimes people think, "Well, it's just better
to just pretend like it's not happening." And that just makes the person who's dealing
with it feel more alone, more isolated, more afraid, more traumatized. They need to know
that you are there. So stopping in, saying hello, "How are you feeling?" Giving them
a call, sending them a text saying, "How are you feeling? What can I do to support you?
Let's have a conversation. How about I take you out for coffee?" If it's not in the middle
of COVID. "How about we jump on a Zoom call and I talk to you about this?" So whatever
you need to do to just let them know that you actually are there to listen, support
and believe them. And if you are the one who is dealing with a divorce right now and you're
watching this, I want you to let me know in the comments by saying, "Yes, I need this."
Another thing not to say is, "Call if you need anything," because that's like a cop
out in a lot of ways. And you might actually mean it, but the person is not going to call
you most of the time if they need something, unless you're really, really close, unless
you are the person's mother and you usually are there if they need something. Most of
the time, if somebody says, "Call if you need anything," I know myself personally, I think,
"That's really nice of them, but I'm certainly never going to call them." So don't say, "Call
if you need anything." Instead, actually be specific. Say, "Hey, I'm going to the dry
cleaner tomorrow. Do you need me to drop anything off? I can stop by your house and pick it
up." Or, "I'm heading to the store. Do you need anything? I'm going to the grocery store
now. I can pick up some things for you." Or maybe even drop off some things for them.
Pick up one of those premade meals or something that you say, "Here you go. Here's dinner."
Something like that, where you actually are doing things for them instead of saying, "Hey,
if you ever need anything, give me a call." Actually show them that you really mean it
that you really want to be supportive and you really want to be present for them so
that you can be that sounding board, that you can be that hand that is helping them
while they are dealing with probably one of the worst things that they could ever go through.
So if you are dealing with a narcissist and you're getting ready to negotiate with the
narcissist or your loved one is, grab my free Crush My Negotiation prep worksheet. Give
it to your loved one. Or if you're the one that needs it, you can use it. Several thousands
of people have used it. You can get it at the link below, or you can go to winmynegotiation.com
and it will be all yours for free. If you're dealing with a narcissist and you want more
support, join us in our free private Facebook group. It's called Narcissist Negotiators
with Rebecca Zung. If you like this video, give it a like, give it a share, drop me a
comment, let me know that you were here, and subscribe to my channel and hit that notification
bell, and that way you'll get notified when I upload brand new videos. I'm Rebecca Zung.
I'm so glad that you stopped by my channel. Remember, today's a great day to start negotiating
your best life. I'll see you in the next video.