FOLKS, I LOVE SHOPPING AT WHOLE FOODS.
BECAUSE I LOVE ORGANIC PRODUCE AND I CANNOT STAND HAVING MONEY.
(LAUGHTER) SO IT REALLY BE BUMMING ME OUT
TO SEE WHOLE FOODS GETTING INTO A WHOLE LOT OF ORGANIC, NATURAL,
GLUTEN-FREE TROUBLE.
THEY WERE CAUGHT ROUTINELY OVERSTATING THE WEIGHT OF ITS
PACKAGED PRODUCTS.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) A LOT OF GUYS DO THAT.
(LAUGHTER) THEN, IN AUGUST, THEY HAD TO
APOLOGIZE FOR CHARGING PEOPLE $6 FOR A BOTTLE OF SOMETHING
CALLED ASPARAGUS WATER WHICH WAS JUST A BOTTLE OF WATER WITH
THREE STALKS OF RAW ASPARAGUS INSIDE.
EVIDENTLY, THAT WAS A SCANDAL.
PERSONALLY, I NEVER HEARD OF ASPARAGUS WATER, SO I'M NOT SURE
WHAT THE STANDARD IS FOR ASPARAGUS WATER.
BUT TO ME, IF YOU PUT ASPARAGUS IN WATER, YOU'VE MADE IT.
JUST LAST WEEK, WHOLE FOODS HAD TO ISSUE YET ANOTHER SEMI
APOLOGY.
>> WHOLE FOODS WILL NO LONGER SELL PRODUCTS BY PRISON INMATES.
REFORM ADVOCATES SAY WHOLE FOODS IS PROFITING OFF SALE OF
PRODUCTS PREPARED BY INMATES WHO AREN'T PAID MUCH.
SOME SELL TILAPIA AND GOAT CHEESE MADE BY A COLORADO INMATE
PROGRAM.
>> Stephen: PRISON LABOR?
BUT EVERYTHING AT WHOLE FOODS IS SUPPOSED TO BE CAGE-FREE!
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WHY IS THAT POSSIBLE?
DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT!
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
THE WHOLE TIME, I THOUGHT FARMER BOB WAS MAKING MY GOAT CHEESE!
TURNS OUT, IT WAS SOME GUY NAMED "SPIDER"!
(LAUGHTER) >> APPARENTLY, SINCE 2001, WHOLE
FOODS HAS BEEN PARTNERING WITH A COMPANY THAT EMPLOYS PRISONERS
TO MILK GOATS AND RAISE THE FISH, CALLED COLORADO
CORRECTIONAL INDUSTRIES.
YES, THEIR MOTTO, "OUR CHEESE IS AGED 25-TO-LIFE."
(APPLAUSE) I HAD TO HAND IT TO WHOLE FOODS.
THEY DID THE RESPONSIBLE THING AND STOPPED IT AS SOON AS THEY
WERE CAUGHT.
JUST LIKE THE PRISONERS WHO MAKE THEIR FOOD.
I'M SURE THIS IS NOT THE LAST TIME THEY GET CAUGHT DOING
SOMETHING, SO I WOULD LIKE TO HELP THEM GET AHEAD OF ANY
FUTURE SCANDALS WITH SOME PRE-APOLOGIES ON THEIR BEHALF.
WHOLE FOODS WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR LABELING SOMETHING
ORGANIC CHICKEN THAT WERE ACTUALLY STRAY CATS WITH BEAKS
GLUED ON THEM.
(LAUGHTER) WHOLE FOODS WILL NO LONGER MAKE
OUR PIZZA CHEF FIGHT IN THE PIT WITH THOSE WOODEN PADDLES!
(LAUGHTER) FROM NOW ON, OUR GROUND CHUCK
WILL BE LABELED PROPERLY.
WE'LL INCLUDE CHUCK'S LAST NAME SO YOU WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHO
YOU'RE EATING!
(LAUGHTER) FROM HERE ON OUT, I PROMISE, OUR
VEGGIE BURGERS WILL NOT JUST BE BAR COASTERS SOAKED IN M.S.G.
IT IS OUR SOLEMN PLEDGE THAT OUR CASHIERS WILL NOW ADD UP THE
COST OF YOUR PRODUCTS INSTEAD OF JUST TYPING IN THE HIGHEST
NUMBER THEY CAN THINK OF.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OUR EXOTIC WORLD FOODS SECTION
WILL NO LONGER CARRY PRODUCTS FROM NARNIA, SAN NADU AND FUNKY
TOWN.
(LAUGHTER) WHILE YOU'RE SHOPPING, OUR
EMPLOYEES WILL NO LONGER BREAK INTO YOUR CAR AND RIFLE THROUGH
YOUR GOVERNOR COMPARTMENT FOR PAINKILLERS TO GET OUR PIZZA
CHEF'S HOPPED UP BEFORE THEY FIGHT IN THAT PIT.
YOU'RE W WELCOME, WHOLE FOODS.
THANK ME WITH A TASTY PIZZA PLATE FREE SPIDER.