- I've been single for three years.
Why does no one love me?
I feel so alone.
Can I get a good morning text or what?
Is love even real?
Alone forever.
- Well, I mean yeah, sometimes.
But to be fair,
I've also felt,
Wow I can get so much work done
I don't have to check in with anybody.
My life is full of friends and cats.
No one can bust my mood.
This is who I am now.
- Recently, I listened to the audio book
"Deeper Dating" by Ken Page.
And he really articulated a lesson
that I've been learning in my romantic life.
So according to Page,
"we're all wired to experience two kinds of attraction,
attractions of inspiration,
and attractions of deprivation."
So for the sake of the video,
I'm gonna use Prince Charles and his son,
Prince Harry, as examples.
Disclaimer, I don't know them,
blah, blah, blah,
It's just an example I'm using based
on the public perception we've curated
of who we think they are,
given their public appearances
which probably doesn't accurately reflect
the multidimensional human beings they are
blah, blah, blah.
Okay.
Say, you made both of these Princes.
Prince Harry who represents attractions of inspiration,
brings out the best in you.
- Everything was just perfect.
It was this beautiful woman just tripped
and fell into my life.
I run into her life.
She chooses me and I choose her.
And therefore, you know, whatever we have
to tackle together or individually,
we'll always be us together as a team.
So, I think she's capable of...
- So, nicely said isn't it?
- Prince Trash,
I mean, Charles,
as attraction of deprivation, fuels all your insecurities.
- [Interviewer} And I suppose you're in love.
- Of course.
- Whatever in love means.
- You'll find yourself strongly attracted
to both of these Princes.
I know you'd think that if you met Charles
you would like run the other way,
but unfortunately you would be equally attracted
to him as you would be to Harry.
And though both of these connections have
the potential to grow into deep attachments,
only attractions of inspiration,
lead to mutually loving, caring,
and supportive relationships.
- I'm very excited to announce,
that Megan and myself had a baby boy early this morning.
A very healthy boy.
Mother and baby are doing incredibly well.
Has been the most amazing experience I can ever
possibly imagine.
- Whereas attractions of deprivation,
- It's rather grown up thing I found.
It's rather a shock to my system.
- Relationships from an attraction of deprivation,
often means that you ended up being
with a partner who criticizes you,
makes you feel inadequate, or is emotionally unavailable.
- {Interviewer] Do you think Mrs. Parker Bowles was a factor
in the breakdown of your marriage?
- Well there were three of us in this marriage,
so it's a bit crowded.
- But the hard thing is, is that in the beginning both
of these attractions will feel the same.
Like good chemistry and interest.
And it's harder for us to discern,
who's actually igniting our best self,
and who's triggering all of our insecurities,
and self-worth issues.
But there is some good news.
Eh?
According to Page, 90% of our attractions,
won't be to inspiration, or to a literal Prince.
In order to tell which attraction is which,
he advises that when you first meet someone,
ask yourself the following questions:
do you feel a warm and natural connection?
Is this person engaged, and genuinely interested?
Do they seem to have integrity?
Nurturing attractions of inspiration will lead
to relationships where you feel comfortable,
loved and accepted.
- [Interviewer] How did you first meet?
- We first met, we were introduced actually
by a mutual friend.
- The thing I had asked her when she said wanted
to set us up was, I had one question, I said, "was he nice?"
Cause if he wasn't kind,
it didn't seem like it would make sense.
And so we went, and had met for a drink.
And then I think very quickly into that, we said,
"well, what are we doing tomorrow?
We should meet again".
- What are we doing tomorrow, let's meet again.
And then it was like "right, diaries, we need to get
diaries and find out how are we gonna make this work".
- But okay, some of those questions like,
they just sound like, you might just be on a great date.
So how are you really supposed to know in the long-term
which attraction is which.
Page's solution is based on his assertion that we all have
"Core Gifts."
Things like, ambition, or generosity, or kindness.
Traits that we offer our friends, the world.
And most importantly, the people that we date.
And he also says that if we don't fully recognize
or value our core gifts,
then we're more drawn to people who diminish them,
or take advantage of them,
manifesting in more attractions to deprivation.
(chuckling)
Fun.
So the first step he advised us to take is to figure out
what exactly your core gifts are.
So think of a time when someone gave you a compliment
about a facet of yourself, and you felt really seen,
or understood, or touched.
This is likely one of your core gifts
- She's capable of anything.
- Now say one of your core gifts is charm.
You're inherently likable, popular and adored.
To find an attraction of inspiration,
you want to find someone who cherishes that core gift,
instead of resenting you for it.
Everybody always said, when we're in the car,
"Oh, we're on the wrong side,
we want to see her, we don't want to see him".
And that's all we could hear as we went down these crowds.
And obviously, he wasn't use to that.
Nor was I
He took it out on me, he was jealous.
I understood the jealousy, but I couldn't explain
that I didn't ask for it.
- Because when you have a partner who not only
rejects your core gift,
but is jealous of it, they'll diminish it. And you.
- I've come to the conclusion that really
it would have been far easier to have had two wives,
(crowd laughing)
to have covered both sides of the street.
(crowd laughing)
And I could have walked down the middle,
directing the operation.
- Princess Diana very famously talked about how one
of her core gifts was her strength,
but instead of amplifying Diana's strength,
instead of valuing her ability to be a leader,
her husband, and his family saw it as a threat.
But in attractions of inspiration,
our core gifts are mutually celebrated.
- Both of us have passions for wanting to make change,
change for good in the, you know
with lots of young people running around the Commonwealth
that's where we can spend most of our time.
- It was really one of the first things we connected on.
It was one of the first things we started talking about
when we met.
With just the different things that we wanted to do
in the world and how passionate we were about seeing change.
I think, that was, that's what got deep too,
(Megan laughing)
in the books, probably.
- And when I think back
on all my quote, unquote, bad relationships,
I can say that this holds up for me personally.
A huge reason those relationships ended
and were kind of toxic were either because core aspects
of myself were resented denied or just not valued
or I didn't value the core gifts of my partner.
I'm Anna Akana.
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I just listened to "Deeper Dating" by Ken Page.
And I found out so much interesting information
that I couldn't even cover in this video.
Like did you know, we often have like the stereotype
of like playing hard to get or laying low.
Like don't, like hide your cards or whatever
but according to scientific studies,
they actually show that expressing your interest,
and being straightforward with someone,
and you know even giving a very specific compliment
to someone you like, actually increases your chance
of being in a relationship with that person.
I don't think I would have guessed that.
I mean, I do it anyway cause I have no self-control,
but it was great to be validated by studies and science.
You can listen to "Deeper Dating" and more
by going to audible.com/anna or text ANNA to 500500.
Bye.