This is a tough one: "How to talk to teens about sex?" I think parents need a good
toolbox and we probably need an expert to talk about this one. Through the
miracles of Technology, I was able to bring in an expert for this particular
episode, Natasja Visser is a counselor and Live
On Purpose certified coach in South Africa. And she and I get to have a
conversation about this to help you with your toolbox as you talk to teens.
Natasja, you've had this conversation with parents a lot who are looking for
ways to educate their kids or to talk to them about this sensitive topic.
-Yes. Thanks your Dr. Paul. I worked with parents on a
daily basis. And they struggle to get out of their own minds to start talking with
their children about this difficult topic. And whether I find is that they
are so overwhelmed with fears and not doing this right that they feel
paralyzed not sure where to start. -So, really these parents need to get out of
their own way first. Tell us more about what that means. -Okay. So, what I mean by
that when I say get out of your own way is when you explore your own feelings
about certain topics about sexuality and your opinion about certain behaviors
when it comes to sexuality, if you can think about what challenged you on a
daily basis, that will help you to better approach the topic more positively with
your teen or with your child. So, what happens is our parents are afraid that
the children will ask about their own past. And then they feel like panicky and
what are they going to tell them if they'll ask what choices mom or dad made
in this regard. And then they struggle to rather stay away from the topic than
bring bring it up and start talking to their children about that.
-This is one of those topics, isn't it? Where people get really queasy. They they
feel uncomfortable or awkward about it. -Yes,
yes. And that's why I challenged our parents. I challenge them to say, "Pick
your pain." So you get to approach this difficult uncomfortable conversation
positively with energy, with the plan and how you want to do this in a
positive way rather than not talking about it at all and you will have pain
later with the teenager out of control not knowing what's the right or
wrong decisions to make. That's the point where they come to me at my counseling
room and say, "This has happened to my child. What now?" I'll rather have a plan
beforehand, approach the topic positively in the beginning rather than later. -I
think that is such a powerful realization. When we acknowledge that
"Look, this is going to come up at some point." So, let's do that on purpose on the
front end instead of waiting until later on when we're actually cleaning up
messes. -Yes. And when they come and cleaning up messes is much more difficult
than doing it in the beginning. And that's why I say you must set your stage
correctly. So, we must look at the talk as if it's a strategic game that
you're going to play. And I like to use the example of chess. So, are you going to
play chess with this topic regards to sex with your teenager? Are you going to
leave it up to the game of poker and say, "I hope my child will meet the right
person one day" or "I hope he will make or she will make the right choices"?
Do you want to really leave it up to the game of luck or do you think this
a little bit of strategy involve and I believe there's some strategies involved.
-I agree. I am a big fan of strategy. I don't think leaving this up to luck is
something that would resonate with most parents. And I love that analogy.
Natasha you also have shared this advice before. I've heard you talk about don't
coach on game day. Talk to us about that particular strategy. -Yes. So, what
typically happens with our parents today when a child reaches teen ages years, they believe,
"Okay. Now it's probably the time to do the talk." Or when the child starting
going out and being part of typical teenager activities, they start now and
say in frantic "What must I need to tell my children now?" And that's why I
say, "We need to start earlier rather than later."
And if we catch on the game day, meaning that on the first day of the first date.
Then you say, "Okay. Remember, your boy mustn't touch you here. You mustn't do
this." That's coaching on their game day. I believe it needs to lead up to
that first date night or their first activities in a social environment. They
need to be prepared and know clearly where boundaries is, when is it too far
and what decisions they need to make in a compromised position, if I can say that.
-I think I know how you might answer this Natasja. But how young is too young to
start talking about sex with our kids? -The parents I love to work with is the
parents with so little toddlers. And that's why we can set this stage
correctly. So, if we think about the board game of chess, the white castle must be
on the white block on the left end. That's the right way we need to set the
stage, if I can say that. Playing chess, your board needs to be right. So, having
started correctly and that's at the age of 2 already. We can start with a
positive conversation about the private parts. So, I know that's not the topic --sex
but that's all really starting with "This is a beautiful part of your body that we
need to take special care of." And that's already starting the conversation,
open conversation with your children from a very young age. And then we work
up to middle years, middle school years, high school years. Then we already have
open communication between parent and child. So, I like it when it's early. Early
as possible. -I thought you might say that. Setting the stage, getting things ready,
having those preliminary conversations; that makes things a lot easier later on
as the kids get older. Now, if I'm a parent who
hasn't already had those conversations, it's not too late now that my kids are
teenagers for example? We can still have the conversation, is that right?
-Yes. What I believe you must do then is go home and ask your child today.
What are your perception or what do you think about sex? Just get out of your
comfort zone and go and ask your child "What do you think about sex?" Doesn't
matter which age they are. So, with a bit younger, like 5... Let's say 6,
7 years of age. I would say, "Have you heard the word sex before?" Take a chance
and see what they say. They might say, "No. I haven't heard that before." They say, "Yes,
I've heard a friend talking about it." Say, "Okay. I will gladly talk to you about
that topic. You can come and ask me. I will explain it to you. No need to go and
search at friends houses or talk to other friends about it. I'm comfortable
to give you the answers that you require." And that sets the stage for you to be
the source and the primary source of information. And the child will come back
to you and say, "I heard this, I heard that. Please, I need more information." -You've
got a lot of experiences that have helped you to have the tools to talk to
parents which gives them the tools to talk to their kids. And I remember you
sharing a story about a chameleon, was it? Tell us about that. That's the
story, a personal story. And I believe that is the greatest opportunity I had
to talk to my children about coming to me as the source of information. So, what
happened is, we have a chameleon and he live in our living room in a small
little tree in a glass container. And he eats live crickets. And every
day, he needs to be fed a live cricket. Now, we buy crickets about 50 crickets a
month in a plastic cup and then we take one cricket each day and
put it into the glass box. And then he goes and hunt for the cricket. So, what my
son did is he took the little cricket box and then put it away on a high shelf
that where it should. He left it on the ground. And then the next morning,
when he got back to the chameleon, he actually saw ants
attacking this plastic cup with all the crickets in. Knowing he will be in a big
trouble because he didn't listen, okay? He tipped right took the madness in his own
hand and took this plastic cup with all the crickets and put it into the glass
container way our chameleon lives. And what happens is all these little and
starts climbing up the tree and hunt. And I started to attack our chameleon.
Realizing this, thank goodness our son didn't go and get toxin to kill the ants.
He thought now he drowned the ants. So, he went to get a big bucket and he
started throwing the bucket of water into our glass cage of our chameleon. And
there he is and this glass container is not made for containing water. So, the
water starts flooding out of the container. Ants are all over the place.
Crickets is all out our living room and our poor chameleon is hanging there on a
branch for his life. And that's the point where I came into the room and he
realized he's in big trouble. Now, what do we do as parents? And sometimes we can
just laugh. It was just overwhelming as we go into the living
room. And that was a great teaching opportunity and how I can teach them
"What was the greatest time, best time in that moment to come and ask for help? At
the time you add at the water? At the time you realize the ants with it? What
was the best time to say, mom I made a mistake. Please help me"? And that's what I
want to teach our children and our parents need to teach our children. You
won't be in trouble. You don't need to feel ashamed or guilty. When you're
unsure about your sexual decisions or your when you're put into a position
where you say oops, "I made a mistake." Don't try and fix it by yourself rather
come and talk to me. Let's do damage control while the ants are just in the
cricket bucket. We can throw that away and buy new crickets. But trying to
resolve the issue on your own when teenagers trying to do that, they get
themselves into much, much more trouble further down the line.
So, ask yourself. Can your child come and ask you, "Mum I made a mess. I think I'm in
trouble. Please come and help me"? And that's where we want that open
relationship with our children. -I love that, Natasja. At the end of the day, you
are the best resource for your children. And you've shared with us today some
important steps that will be good tools as we approach this and any other topic
really with our children. We get out of our own way and we make ourselves
available to them as that trusted resource. Thank you so much for sharing
those ideas with us today. So, you've heard some great tips today from Natasja
Visser. If you want to connect with her, go to liveonpurpose.coach and
you'll see her picture there along with other certified Live On Purpose coaches
where you can get more resources to help you as a parent.