- I don't know if any of y'all have actually seen me before
or are familiar with like the kind of work that I do,
but I'm actually just the lady from the Shen Yun billboards.
That's who I am. (audience laughing)
Yeah, you've seen this thing?
Yeah, you've seen me, you've seen me.
If you haven't, well, I'll be in a city near you soon.
(laughing)
Well, hope you all feeling well.
I'm doing real good, I'm doing real good.
I just came up on a brand new car, a trade off the lot.
(audience cheering) Hell, yeah.
Feels good, feels good.
Making payments does kind of suck,
but it's okay 'cause no more hand crank for your boy.
Power windows, got 'em.
Do you know, yeah?
But when I bought this car, I was talking to the dealer
and he'd asked me a bunch of unnecessary questions.
And he was like, are you gonna be doing
a lot of commuting in this car?
And I was like, yeah, it's a car.
(audience laughing)
I didn't buy this Corolla as like a weekend flex, you know?
(audience laughing)
But then he asked, he was like, well, what do you do?
And I told him, I said, well, at night I do stand up comedy.
And then he goes, that's crazy.
(audience laughing)
That's crazy, because I am a Luther Vandross cover singer.
(audience laughing)
I was like, that's different.
(laughing) That's so different.
That's so different, I don't know why he said that shit.
I really don't. (audience laughing)
I don't know if he said that because he was like,
oh, that's cool, you know, we're both artists,
or, oh, that sucks, we're both not making it.
(audience laughing) That's the vibes
I got from that dude.
But before I went comedy full-time,
my day job was I used to be a teacher.
That was my job.
Oh, y'all don't, yeah, yeah.
(audience cheering) Good, good, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, well.
- [Audience Member] Where'd you teach?
- Yeah, a true hero.
Fuck these nurses.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I said it. (audience laughing)
Who taught the nurses, huh?
Okay, no. (audience laughing)
Y'all are great out there, y'all are great.
But I used to teach preschool.
That was my day job, yeah.
Remember that next time you're looking
for schools for your kid.
I'm there, hanging out, you know?
But teaching preschool was fun.
Very rewarding, also very easy.
I feel like it was the easiest job I ever had.
I feel like most of my day was just like me watching a kid
picking up something off the ground, and then me being like,
there's no way he's gonna eat that.
(audience laughing)
And then he does, every time, every time.
(laughing)
But the school I taught at, I used to teach sports.
That was my thing.
I taught sports to three to five-year-old kids.
And growing up, I used to think I was bad at sports.
Nah, I was just playing with the wrong group.
(audience laughing)
Very easy W's against these kids, you know?
(audience laughing)
But the crazy thing was
I used to teach at a Chinese immersion school.
I don't know if you know what that is.
That's a school where Chinese staff, American students,
and they speak Chinese throughout the day.
So the student becomes bilingual,
and then they're eventually prepared
for when the Chinese take over this country, you know?
(audience laughing)
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, okay.
I say I'm kidding,
but America, keep acting up and see what happens, you know?
(audience laughing)
But the crazy thing about that is
I don't speak any Chinese at all.
(audience laughing) Not at all.
And I'm Filipino.
I shouldn't have been there, you know?
Shouldn't have been there.
Yeah, I'm not Chinese at all.
But let's be real, nobody checked.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
But I like working with kids.
It was a lot of fun.
But I had been working with children for so long
that I didn't even talk to them as kids anymore.
And not in like a weird creepy way.
Just I'd be too real with them at times, you know?
Like I remember I was talking to a kid and I asked him,
I was like, hey, what do you want to be when you grow up?
And then he was like, I want to be a scuba instructor.
And I was like, yeah, that's weird.
That's so weird. (audience laughing)
That's kind of weird.
Then I asked him, I was like, hey, why you want to do that?
And he was like, because I want to study marine animal life.
And I had to correct him.
And I was like, yo dude, that's actually a marine biologist
that does that kind of work, right?
And well, a scuba instructor,
he just tries to fuck other people's wives.
That's all they do. (audience laughing)
And then he was like, yeah, I want to do that.
(audience laughing) I was like, all right.
All right, buddy.
But it feels real good to be back out again.
You know, it feels real good.
I know. (audience laughing)
I get to do this again.
But also, I got to see my mom.
I hadn't seen her for a very long time
'cause of the whole thing, right?
My mom was thriving through the pandemic
because this was her first time working from home,
and she got to focus on her crafts, right?
That's what she was doing.
What she was doing was she was selling masks,
and then handing 'em out to her church and her community,
which is real cute.
But she did make a mask for me
that was the American flag on the front.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, oh, that's interesting.
You know that doesn't go with like anything I wear.
Like, why would you do this one?
And then she said, because so when you wear it out
right now, people won't be racist towards you.
And I was like, okay, that's fine.
But they can still see my eyes,
so maybe throw in some goggles too.
(audience laughing)
And that's crazy because I'm from the Bay Area.
That's where I grew up, yeah.
(cheering)
A progressive place, known to be very progressive.
I think maybe a little bit too progressive now, you know?
I don't feel like our dogs should vote,
but it seems like that's where we're going, you know?
But as progressive as we are in the Bay Area,
the Bay Area has this weird sneaky racism
that's like, someone will say something racist to you
and you won't even know it was really racist
until you're like 10 blocks away.
You know?
I say that because I was walking home one night,
and an old white lady comes up to me
and she was like, hey, I like your heaven handle.
And I was like, oh, thank you,
but I actually don't know what that is.
And she was like, oh, it's your hair.
It's when you go to heaven,
Buddha has something to pick you up with.
(audience laughing) Yeah.
- [Audience Member] What?
- [Audience Member] Damn.
- [Audience Member] Whoa, what?
- But it wasn't until I got home too.
I was like, ah, fuck that bitch, what?
(audience laughing)
Aw, damn. (clapping)
Also, I thought Buddha was chill.
Why's he picking up people like that?
That seems aggressive.
That seems real aggressive.
You seen that before?
The only times I've seen people getting picked up by buns
is when two girls fight at a gas station.
That's not how I want to go to heaven.
It's crazy. (laughing)
But this is the last thing I'm about to say,
and I think it's very important
because of the last show, right?
With everything that's been going on,
these every, forever, you know,
I've just made it a goal for myself
to just be more aware of injustice in society, you know?
That's what I've been doing.
And I've been trying to help out my community,
but also help out my friends' communities as well, you know?
Here's what I've done to help out my community.
I started dating a white woman.
(audience laughing) For the culture.
For the culture.
Because we've seen the videos.
We've seen the news.
We've seen white women getting pretty wild, you know?
Throwing fits, calling the cops
on black and brown people for no reason.
So I was like, okay, if I get one,
then that's just me keeping one off the streets.
You know what I'm saying?
(audience cheering)
That's how I help out my community, you know?
It's real easy.
All I gotta do is just, when we go on walks at parks,
you've got these special muzzles on our hands
so you can't use that phone.
And I just gotta. (audience laughing)
And then I just gotta make sure everyday
she's not trying to trick people on the internet,
telling people she's a black lady.
That's all I gotta do. (laughing)
It's real easy.
Also, maybe don't close
on this joke in front of a room full of white women.
(audience laughing) (clapping)
Or was that the point the whole time?
Learn from that. (cheering)