Thanks be to God!
I'd like to fellowship on my experience related to this passage.
That's great.
The church was preparing to film a movie last year,
so brothers and sisters recommended I take on the duty of director.
I was thrilled when I heard that
and felt that since they'd recommended me,
they must have seen my caliber and talent.
Why else would they have chosen me?
I developed a superiority complex, thinking I was better than others.
I studied hard, learning about how to make the movies,
and slowly came to grasp some of the skills.
I remember when I first started that duty, I felt a little bit nervous,
but I prayed all the while to God and gradually my nerves were calmed,
and I was able to go get my feet wet.
And then,
brothers and sisters kept adopting my ideas.
Especially for the first scene I directed,
they all really liked what I had filmed
and the leader said that I was cut out to be a director.
My heart was bursting with pride,
I felt this was something I was really good at,
and I was an indispensable talent in God's house.
I started feeling like I had a crown on my head,
and I walked around with my head held high.
I felt that getting so much praise right after starting this duty
was because I was really capable, and with a little more practice,
I'd certainly become competent, without a doubt.
When working with brothers and sisters from then on,
I wasn't as modest as I had been,
but spoke with confidence, and I held my head up high.
I also wanted to have the final say in everything and thought nothing of anyone else.
The moment someone questioned my idea or made another suggestion,
I was unyielding, impatient, and looked down on them.
I felt I surpassed them in every regard,
that they should just do what I told them to do instead of making such a fuss.
And in my eyes, they were just bringing up really petty things
that didn't even merit discussion.
So I'd always ask "Is this a question of principle?"
just so I could shut them up.
One time, Sister Zhang, the main character, had me look at some costumes she'd picked.
I thought to myself,
"How could you have such a terrible eye?"
I had her choose all new ones.
I shot down almost every one of her clothing choices.
I was filled with this idea of being the director,
so my sense was right and they should listen to me.
The brothers and sisters ended up feeling constrained by me
and didn't want to make suggestions anymore.
I actually did feel bad when I saw this,
but then I thought,
I'm only considering our work, and I can't be too off in this.
So, I didn't think much of it.
During that time, my leader gave me fellowship and exposed me,
saying I was too arrogant and that I liked to control people,
and warned me not to fix my gaze on others,
but to reflect on myself and practice the truth to resolve my own problems.
That's right.
But I didn't have any understanding of my own nature then.
I felt I was really responsible in my work.
I just kept living in that kind of rebellious, obstinate state,
and I was no longer able to work well with brothers and sisters.
Over time,
there were problems that kept cropping up at our work, that hindered our progress.
One day,
I heard there was a director
who had been dismissed because of holding up work from being arrogant,
unable to accept the truth, and constraining brothers and sisters.
That left me feeling a little bit afraid.
I knew I'd been behaving just like that director.
I figured God was giving me a warning,
so I decided I couldn't keep throwing my weight around like that.
Instead, I should control myself, speak more kindly,
and do my best to communicate and discuss work with others.
But I still didn't have any understanding of my own nature,
so I didn't seek the truth to resolve it.
After a while,
since progress in our team was so slow,
the leader arranged for Sister Liu to work with me.
At first I admit I just couldn't accept it.
I thought the leader must be doubting my capability,
but since it had already been arranged, I reluctantly bit the bullet.
In my work discussions from then on,
I found the leader always asked for Sister Liu's advice.
I was really uneasy,
and I felt the leader didn't think much of me.
I started to resent her.
But even more, I was resistant to Sister Liu. I couldn't accept her.
So whenever we discussed our work
I would just sit there scowling in silence.
One time,
she found some issues with the team's work and made some suggestions
that our brothers and sisters all really liked,
but I was having none of it.
I refused to listen to any of her suggestions.
When everyone asked for my opinion, I bottled up my anger and said:
"Whatever."
The leader then dealt with me,
saying I wasn't upholding the work of God's house.
I did actually feel bad,
I knew that no matter what,
I couldn't keep taking out my frustration in the work of God's house.
But I really couldn't swallow it.
I thought, "If you just listen to Sister Liu all the time,
what is there to discuss?"
I kept thinking that I was right in everything,
so in the next few work discussions
I clung to my own opinions
and I disagreed with Sister Liu even when her suggestions were reasonable.
I thought she was just trying to show off.
There was one time she recommended a certain actor
and I brought up all sort of issues with that actor
and shot her suggestion down.
I just wasn't willing to listen to her.
I wanted to be in charge of all the work.
Sister Liu ended up feeling constrained by me,
and wouldn't make suggestions anymore.
During that time,
since I was living within an arrogant, self-righteous disposition
and wasn't seeking the truth,
my spirit slowly fell into darkness.
I felt depressed every single day
and it seemed God was hiding Himself from me.
I didn't have anything to say to God in prayer
and God's words weren't sinking in when I read them.
My mind was blank and I was obtuse in my duty.
I couldn't see any problems.
I was living in a state of anxiety
and kept feeling like something was about to happen.
A few days later, our leader came to hold a gathering with us.
She exposed my disposition and said I was too arrogant,
that I was autocratic and arbitrary in my duty,
and I'd really disrupted our work.
She told me to go home and do some serious devotionals and self-reflection.
I was shocked.
I was so shocked to hear that,
but I prayed to God in earnest, saying
"Oh God, no matter what situation I encounter,
I believe it's all set up by You
and I'm willing to submit."
- Thanks be to God! - Amen!
Then, later that night I couldn't sleep at all.
I was thinking about how I'd been on the film team for so long,
but that from tomorrow I'd no longer be a part of it.
I couldn't let go of it and I was really upset,
I couldn't hold back my tears.
I wanted to use that chance to work on my devotionals and reflect on myself,
so I could pick myself back up where I had stumbled.
But back at home
I couldn't focus on God's words and I was really having a hard time.
All I could do was come before God and call out to Him over and over again.
I said,
"God, I'm in so much pain.
Please help me and protect my heart
so that I can understand Your will in this situation, and know myself."
By constantly praying to God,
I was finally able to feel some peace.
Thanks be to God!
The next day, a few brothers and sisters came to check in on me
to give me fellowship and help me, and they mentioned some of my issues.
I remember that one sister said,
"You've changed so much since you started working as a director.
You even look at others differently
and you want to have the final say in everything.
You're really controlling and there's just no way to work with you."
A brother said,
"In work discussions, we're all relaxed when you're not there,
but as soon as you show up we're all on edge,
afraid that you'll shoot down our thoughts and ideas."
Every word out of their mouths
was like a knife in my heart.
I was so ashamed to face them
and I felt so terrible.
In all my life, I had never felt like such a failure as a person.
It had gotten so bad
that brothers and sisters wouldn't approach me out of fear when they saw me.
I thought, "Am I still being a proper person?
How could I have been so insensitive?"
I had never realized
that my arrogant disposition could constrain and do such harm to others.
I already knew that I was arrogant
and the leader fellowshiped with me often,
but I'd never thought much of it.
Instead, I thought my arrogance came from having a higher caliber.
Who isn't arrogant if they're gifted and of high caliber?
That's why I never sought the truth to resolve it.
But through the help and fellowship of brothers and sisters
I finally found peace in my heart
and could quiet myself to reflect on my behavior.
Thanks be to God!
As I reflected, I read two passages of God's words, which I'd like to share now.
Great.
Amen!
I realized from God's words
that my arrogance was causing me to rebel against and resist God.
Since I'd done my duty as a director,
when I had some success I thought it was because of my own hard work,
that I was better than others.
I began to disregard others, and stubbornly hold to myself,
wanting to have the final say in everything.
When I failed to achieve results in my duty
I never reflected on whether the issue was with me,
but just focused on my brothers and sisters.
I condescendingly dealt with and lectured others.
I looked down on everyone out of arrogance and conceit.
I couldn't see anyone else's strengths, and thought my ideas were best.
I shot down everyone's suggestions at every turn, and was controlling.
I failed to know myself because of my arrogance and conceitedness
and even after being dealt with many times, I wouldn't accept it or reflect on myself.
I was totally lacking a seeker's heart.
When my work progress slowed and it became clear I couldn't manage the work,
I still didn't want to work with others or have them meddle in my tasks.
I felt it would compromise my authority and threaten my reputation and position.
I wanted to be totally in charge, and I wanted to have the final say.
Wasn't I walking the path of resistance to God?
Yes.
When Sister Liu had some success in her duty that threatened my position,
I well knew she was right
and what she suggested would benefit the work of God's house,
but I wouldn't accept it.
Instead I nitpicked,
and when I saw our brothers and sisters agreeing with her,
I just couldn't take it, and took out my frustration in church work.
I was ready to see the work of God's house suffer
to protect my own reputation and status.
Where was my reverence for God?
Where was my conscience and reason?
I saw I'd been living by my arrogant and conceited satanic disposition,
forcing my own thoughts and opinions on brothers and sisters as if they were the truth,
making people listen to me in everything.
Wasn't that wanting to be on par with God, and wanting to control others?
I finally realized I was in a precarious position.
It looked like I was doing my duty every day,
that I was passionate about expending myself,
but I was revealing a satanic disposition in every way.
My actions were all contrary to the truth, I was disrupting the church's work.
I was doing evil, resisting God, and offending His disposition!
I wondered how I had ever gotten to that point.
It was because I had such an arrogant, rigid nature.
I never accepted the truth, so I ended up bringing God's ire upon me.
I saw that I'd been so deeply corrupted by Satan,
that I totally lacked the reality of the truth.
Being able to take on such an important duty was God elevating me,
and having some success in my duty was entirely down to the Holy Spirit's work,
not at all because I had any ability.
I saw that when I relied on my arrogant nature in my duty,
the Holy Spirit stopped working
and I couldn't figure anything out or resolve anything.
But even so, I still felt like I was okay.
I was arrogant beyond reason, without a shred of self-awareness.
Only then did I start to feel disgust and hatred for my arrogant nature.
I later read these words from God:
Amen.
I read God's words over and over again.
I had such a feeling of warmth and I was so moved.
Thanks be to God!
I saw that, by revealing me that way, God wasn't condemning or eliminating me,
and He wasn't making things difficult for me on purpose.
He was really doing it for my salvation.
Thanks be to God!
I have such an arrogant and incredibly rigid nature
and God knew what I needed.
By losing my duty and being dealt with by my brothers and sisters,
I came to know my own arrogant disposition
and could reflect on the path I'd taken, and truly repent to God
so I wouldn't rebel against and resist Him anymore.
- Yes. - Amen!
Though I experienced pain and negativity through that process,
without that kind of judgment and chastisement,
my numb heart couldn't have been awakened.
I couldn't have reflected on my behavior
or come to know God's righteous disposition.
I couldn't have truly repented to God,
but only would have kept on vying with Him and opposing Him,
ultimately offending His disposition and being punished.
That's right.
I finally experienced for myself
that the judgment and revelation of God's words were His protection for me,
and the truest love.
Amen!
I was so grateful to God when I finally realized this fact
and felt I should pursue the truth in earnest in the future
so that I could cast off my corrupt disposition and live out a human likeness soon.
- Amen! - Thanks be to God!
After that I kept praying and seeking.
I wondered how I could stop living by my arrogant disposition
and stop resisting God.
While seeking, I read these words from God:
- Amen! - Thanks be to God!
Thanks be to God!
I found a path of practice from God's words.
Thanks be to God!
If I didn't want to live in arrogance or be arbitrary in my duty,
I had to have a heart of truth seeking and reverence for God.
I had to cooperate with brothers and sisters
and when there was a difference of opinion,
I should be able to deny myself and put my ego aside,
pray to God and seek the truth.
Only with that mindset would I be more easily enlightened by the Holy Spirit,
and I would never go so far as to rebel against or resist God
and damage the work of God's house for clinging to my own ideas.
Realizing all of this was like a light shining in my heart.
- Yes. - Thanks be to God!
I made this prayer:
"God, from now on, I wish to work harmoniously with brothers and sisters
so we can seek the truth together and do our duty in accordance with principles."
Amen!
Shortly after that,
I was asked to write out a few lines of calligraphy for my duty.
When I heard this, I thought,
"A few characters of calligraphy is nothing.
I've studied calligraphy, so I'm pretty confident about doing this."
I wrote out a couple versions, and after looking at them Sister Liu said,
"I guess that's not bad."
I felt averse towards her again just then and thought,
"You say that so reluctantly. Was my calligraphy really that bad?
I studied this, it's something I'm good at.
Don't I know more about it than you?
I can tell you don't have an eye for this kind of thing,
and you're intentionally nitpicking."
But as those thoughts were running through my mind,
I suddenly realized I was wrong.
Wasn't that revealing an arrogant disposition again?
I lost no time in coming before God in prayer:
"Oh God,
I want to have a seeking and obedient attitude,
to put myself aside, and give my all for my duty."
Amen!
I wrote out another version with that mindset,
and when Sister Liu saw it she gave more suggestions,
asking if I could make it neater.
A number of brothers and sisters actually said it looked just fine.
Based on how I'd been before,
if I thought I was right and other people agreed with me too,
there was nothing more to be said, and I'd dig my heels in more.
But that wasn't my thinking at the time.
I thought, "The brothers and sisters are bringing up different viewpoints
as they are thinking about our duty.
No one is doing it to make things difficult for anyone.
And my ideas aren't necessarily right.
In the end, we have to decide what will achieve the best results in our duty."
With this in mind, I took the initiative and said:
"How about I draw up another version
and you guys can decide which is the best.
Use whichever one you like more."
When writing with that mindset I felt so calm and at peace,
losing face didn't even occur to me.
After I was done, I asked them again for more feedback,
and the brothers and sisters gave me more suggestions.
They were all valid points.
Well, what I felt then, to be honest,
was that I had actually had a lot of faults
and that the brothers and sisters had a lot of strong points I didn't possess.
A lot of their ideas and suggestions made up for my weaknesses.
So through everyone's help, through making up for each other's weak points,
we were more successful in our duty in the end.
Thanks be to God!
After working with brothers and sisters this way for a while
I started feeling really at peace,
and much closer to everyone else.
I wasn't as impudent or high and mighty as I was before, either,
and wasn't difficult when others got close to me.
I also found that it wasn't so hard to accept brothers' and sisters' suggestions,
I was able to take what they told me about my deficiencies in the right way.
Some things happened that I didn't like, and I did reveal some arrogance,
but with brothers' and sisters' reminders I was able to come before God right away.
I was willing to put myself aside,
seek the truth, and carry out my duty in accordance with principles.
- Amen! - Thanks be to God!
After going through all this, what I really experienced from my heart
was a sense of real happiness.
I saw that I could finally put some of God's words into practice,
which had been so hard for me before.
Putting myself aside and accepting others' suggestions was so hard,
but I am now able to practice a little bit of God's words.
I can finally live out a bit of a human likeness.
I'm not as impudent as I was before,
I'm not so loathsome to God,
and I'm not constraining others like I did before.
Thanks be to God!
Whenever I think of all that, I feel so grateful to God.
If it hadn't been for God dealing with me and pruning me,
without the judgment and revelations of His words,
I have no idea how arrogant or depraved I might be now.
Yes.
The tiny bit of understanding and change that I've achieved today
is entirely down to the judgment and chastisement of God's words.
Amen!
Thanks be to God!