The epic battles between iconic heroes
and villainous villains
have been fought for generations.
But what about the little man?
The red shirt?
The cannon fodder?
The grunt?
Welcome to GRUNT BATTLE!
Celebrating the uncelebrated.
Because behind every great man
are thousands of loyal soldiers.
And we're going to have a tournament showdown
to see which is the baddest of the bad.
From the Super Mario series
The Goomba.
The scourge of the Mushroom Kingdom
and the faithful followers of Bowser.
A grassroots movement
given they were grown from the ground up.
Their traditional tactic has been to fearlessly face their foe and march towards them
Their mere touch, deadly.
But they have a few new tricks up their...
Lack of sleeves.
They fly.
They charge.
They even come in stacks.
But are the odds stacked against them?
Look, I didn't recruit the Goombas just so they could die in large numbers.
They would be the most feared creatures in the land
to anyone who CAN'T jump.
Like... uh...
Hey, who's someone who can't jump?
Oh yeah!
Just like a Goomba.
Hey wai-
And their competitor from the Mega Man series
The Met.
Meanwhile, in the year 20XX
The cyborg army legions of Dr Wily terrorise the world.
The Mets come with robust, bulletproof helmets.
Protecting them from almost any attack,
long enough to blast their opponents with a rapid-fire counter fire
which can cause the most devastating move of all:
The Rage Quit.
What?! The helmets?
They were just thrown together out of scrap.
I've made much greater machines!
Can't we just talk about those?
I even made a robot that's powered by tears!
Do you know how hard that was to make?!
AHHH my genius is never appreciated!
So mean!
*ugly crying*
Test Your Might!
The Goomba and the Met are so strong...
Uh, well... uh
They don't need to prove their strength!
They have other unique abilities as explained by Sgt. Shoulders
Former Armed Forces and weapons tactition
And Dr. Deepad
Our medical expert.
Compared to the Goombas
the pathetic Mets stand no chance.
They don't even stand.
The Mets weren't designed for their mobility.
WEAK!
B-b-b-but that's just the standard Met!
The Neo Met for example is way more technologically advanced.
They can WALK
And this one can DANCE!
Scary, right?
Whereas the mighty Goombas are way more biologically versatile.
Like the Cat Goomba
with feline genetics to attack with its furry ferocious pounce!
This kitty isn't adorable;
IT'S DEPLORABLE!!!
Lets not forget the Goomba equipped with the Kuribo Shoe
Granting them with terrifying stomping abilities
as well as a buff in style and fashion!
If looks could kill
We're all DOOMED!
Hmph, I suppose the Heli Mets aerial attacks COULD be devastating...
a potentially MASSIVE area of effect
and for the Goombas with their large, soft, spongey heads
this risks concussion, brain damage
aaand, maybe a 1-up!
The Mets also have a swimmer
so because we're not fighting underwater
this makes this guy's attacks totally unpredictable!
Don't turn your back on him!
Or your front!
Just leave the room if you can!
Blood gushing out
brains turned into mushy goo
bones ripped apar-
Then you have the Para-Goomba who can attack from above
and the Micro-Goomba attack from below.
Trust me, you don't want to be the filling to a para-micro-goomba sandwich.
In my medical opinion
these shiitake won't be taking anyyyyyyyyyyy
Can I say shit?
No?
Oh ok.
The Mets have the edge thanks to their indescructible metal helmet.
Their tactic is to shoot, and hide.
I'm just gonna hide.
Excuse me!
With all this data gathered, we can run a simulation of the battle!
We can, but we won't!
It's battle time!
3
2
1
Go!
Ooh, out of nowhere!
Never underestimate the little guy!
Looks like these boots WERE made for more than just walking!
Triple kill!
Lets see an action replay!
Goomba wins!
*more ugly crying*
I didn't care about this until 5 minutes ago!
The Goombas stood no chance from the bullet fire.
Just like many of my test subjects and Grandparents.
But the Mets strength is in their defence.
So the more they opened up
The more vulnerable they were.
Just like me in any relationship in my entire life, really.
The Goombas recklessly died in droves!
Just to kill 1 opponent!
And I-
I couldn't be more proud.
The grunts of the Mario series move on to the next round.
We will soon see who the next Mario grunt will be.
But it's nature versus technology
as the beasts of the Donkey Kong Country
take on the metal monsters of the Green Hill Zone.
Next time in Grunt Battle!
Don't worry Mets
I know just what to do...
*MORE ugly crying? Seriously? Get a grip Wily.*
Oh, oh its so sad!