WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LAST SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
ENERGY. LISTEN TO THAT WARMTH.
WIND CHILLS TODAY ARE NEAR ZERO TODAY IN NEW YORK.
AND I WANT TO THANK MY AUDIENCE RIGHT HERE WHO BRAVED THE COLD
CAME OUT, DID IT,INGS DUG DOWN, FOUND THAT EXTRA GEAR TO BE HERE
TONIGHT, AND CAME INTO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER, WHERE SOMEHOW
IT'S EVEN COLDER. AND HERE'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
IT'S SINCERELY COMFORTING IN A WAY.
IT'S JANUARY 11th. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY COLD.
THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. AND IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT
DOES. LOOK AT COVID.
REMEMBER, WE JUST NEEDED TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY FOR THREE TO SIX
WEEKS, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AND THEN IT'LL BE OVER?
THAT'S GOIN' ON TWO YEARS AGO. THEN WE THOUGHT WE WERE OVER IT
AFTER THE GIANT PEAK LAST WINTER, PLUS WE HAD THE VACCINE.
IS IT THEN DELTA CAME AROUND, THE END OF SUMMER AND THE FALL.
THAT WAS TERRIBLE. BUT THEN WE'D BE GOOD BY THE
HOLIDAYS, AND THEN OMICRON CAME A-KNOCKIN.'
AND NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES REPORTED 1.5 MILLION NEW
INFECTIONS YESTERDAY. THAT'S TERRIBLE, BUT KIND OF
SWEET THAT WE ALL GAVE EACH OTHER THE SAME THING FOR
CHRISTMAS.
STAGGERING NUMBER. BUT EVERYBODY IS SAYING IF
YOU'RE VACCINATED, OMICRON IS VERY MILD.
WELL, OKAY, BUT IF THAT'S THE CASE, THEN WHY DO WE HAVE A
RECORD-BREAKING 145,000 COVID HOSPITALIZATIONS, WITH EXPERTS
PREDICTING A PEAK IN THE 300,000 RANGE?
SOON, THERE'S GOING TO BE ALMOST AS MANY PEOPLE IN HOSPITALS AS
THERE ARE TV SHOWS ABOUT HOSPITALS.
( LAUGHTER )
NUMBERS AREN'T AS BAD THEY MAY SEEM, BECAUSE AT SOME HOSPITALS,
UP TO 40% OF THE PATIENTS WHO ARE COMING IN WITH COVID -19 ARE
COMING IN NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE SICK WITH COVID, BUT THEY'RE
COMING IN WITH SOMETHING ELSE AND HAVE HAD THE OMICRON VARIANT
DETECTED. OKAY, SURE, BUT EVEN IF PEOPLE
AREN'T COMING IN FOR COVID INITIALLY, THE HOSPITALS ARE
STILL OVERFLOWING. THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "UH,
TECHNICALLY, UP TO 40% OF PEOPLE WHO DROWNED ON THE "TITANIC"
WERE ALREADY WET BECAUSE THEY WERE IN THE BATHTUB WHEN THE
SHIP WENT DOWN.
NOT SO BAD.
THIS PANDEMIC WE ALL ARE? CHECK OUT THIS HEADLINE THAT CNN
THOUGHT WE ALL NEEDED TO HEAR: "FIVE REASONS YOU SHOULD NOT
DELIBERATELY CATCH OMICRON TO 'GET IT OVER WITH.'"
WELL, OBVIOUSLY, YOU SHOULDN'T DELIBERATELY CATCH OMICRON.
AND SHOULD I?
HOSTS ARE DOING IT. I'M STARTING TO THINK THEY HAD A
SECRET SLEEPOVER, AND I WASN'T INVITED.
( LAUGHTER ).
PURPOSELY CATCH COVID, BUT ACCORDING TO ONE DOCTOR, THE
IDEA OF INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO CATCH OMICRON IS ALL THE RAGE.
YES, GETTING OMICRON IS SUPER POPULAR.
I HEAR IT'S DATING PETE DAVIDSON.
( LAUGHTER )
B.D.E.-- THE BIG DELTA ENERGY. THAT'S WHAT I HEAR!
THAT'S WHAT I HEAR! IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING!
IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING. I HAVE TO GET A NECK TATTOO.
BUT AS APPEALING AS THE NOTION OF INTENTIONALLY MAKING YOURSELF
SICK MAY BE, CNN HAS SOME PRETTY GOOD REASONS TO AVOID GETTING
THE COVID, INCLUDING: YOU COULD GET LONG COVID,
YOU'LL STRESS THE HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, AND DON'T MESS WITH
MOTHER NATURE, ADDING, "SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO KILL US EVER
SINCE WE CRAWLED OUT OF THE OCEAN ONTO THE LAND."
DAMN YOU, MAMA NATURE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
( APPLAUSE )
I WAS, FOR YEARS NOW, I HAVE BEEN AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING, BUT
NOW IT'S JUST PAYBACK TIME. I'M GOING BACK TO PLASTIC
STRAWS. COME-- COME HERE, YOU DAMN
TURTLE! COME HERE!
THERE IS NO ACTUAL TURTLE HERE, BY THE WAY.
NOW, THERE IS SOME HELP ON THE HORIZON.
THE WHITE HOUSE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT INSURERS WILL HAVE TO COVER
EIGHT AT-HOME VIRUS TESTS PER MONTH.
EIGHT PER MONTH-- SO, ONE FOR EVERY NEW VARIANT.
( LAUGHTER )
EASY, BECAUSE WITH SKYROCKETING DEMAND, RAPID ANTIGEN TESTS ARE
HARD TO FIND. AND EVEN WHEN YOU DO FIND THEM,
YOU MUST FIRST BATTLE THE SELF-CHECKOUT MACHINE AT CVS:
"NO, NO, YOU'RE AN UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!
YOU ARE! WHAT?
WHAT?
OF COURSE I WANT A BAG! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, CARRY
THIS TUBE OF CREST TO MY CAR CLUTCHED IN MY BUTTCHEEKS?"
( LAUGHTER )
POLITICAL ISSUE. AND TODAY, THINGS GOT UGLY ON
CAPITOL HILL, WHERE DR. ANTHONY FAUCI WAS TESTIFYING IN FRONT OF
HIS OLD NEMESIS: KENTUCKY SENATOR RAND PAUL, SEEN
HERE-- ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
SEEN HERE SPORTING HIS SIGNATURE HAIRSTYLE: FETTUCCINI AL-HEAD-O.
DURING-- MMM-MMM. DURING A HEARING ABOUT THE
FEDERAL RESPONSE TO OMICRON, SENATOR PAUL ACCUSED DR. FAUCI
OF ATTACKING OTHER SCIENTISTS WHO OPPOSED COVID LOCKDOWNS, AND
THE GOOD DOCTOR HAD HAD ABOUT ENOUGH.
>> DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S APPROPRIATE TO USE YOUR $420,000
SALARY TO ATTACK SCIENTISTS THAT DISAGREE WITH YOU?
>> SENATOR, THE E-MAIL YOU'RE REFERRING TO WAS AN EMAIL OF
DR. COLLINS TO ME. IF YOU LOOK AT THE E-MAIL--
>> THAT YOU RESPONDED TO AND HURRIED UP AND SAID, "I CAN DO
IT. I CAN DO IT.
WE GOT SOMETHING IN 'WIRED' MAGAZINE"--
>> NO, NO, NO. I THINK IN USUAL FASHION,
SENATOR, YOU ARE DISTORTING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TAKE OFF THE GLOVES AND THE MASK OFF.
( AS DR. FAUCI )
YOU'VE CONTRACTED MY BOOT IN YOUR ASS.
( APPLAUSE )
THE DANGEROUS CONSEQUENCES OF A SITTING SENATOR SPREADING LIES
ABOUT HIM. >> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE GETS OUT
AND ACCUSES ME OF THINGS THAT ARE COMPLETELY UNTRUE IS THAT
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THAT KINDLES THE CRAZIES OUT THERE, AND I
HAVE LIFE-- THREATS UPON MY LIFE, HARASSMENTS OF MY FAMILY
WITH OBSCENE PHONE CALLS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE LYING ABOUT ME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S JUST TERRIBLE.
DR. FAUCI SHOULD NOT BE GETTING OBSCENE PHONE CALLS FROM VIOLENT
CRAZIES. HE SHOULD BE GETTING THEM FROM
LONELY SINGLES WHO SAW HIS "INSTYLE" MAGAZINE COVER.
"HELLO, DOCTOR. DO THOSE NOVELTY SOCKS GO ALL
THE WAY UP?" BUT DR. FAUCI USED THE
SCIENTIFIC METHOD TO FIGURE OUT JUST WHAT PAUL WAS UP TO.
>> SO I ASK MYSELF, WHY WOULD THE SENATOR WANT TO DO THIS?
SO GO TO RAND PAUL WEBSITE, AND YOU SEE "FIRE DR. FAUCI" WITH A
LITTLE BOX THAT SAYS "CONTRIBUTE HERE," AND YOU CAN DO $5, $10,
$20, $100. SO YOU ARE MAKING A CATASTROPHIC
EPIDEMIC FOR YOUR POLITICAL GAIN.
( APPLAUSE )
IN RESPONSE, RAND PAUL SENT OUT AN EMAIL:
"DR. FAUCI TRIED TO SMEAR ME BY SAYING I'M PROFITING FROM THE
PANDEMIC. PROVE HIM WRONG BY DONATING $10,
$20 OR $100 TODAY."
IF THERE'S ONE THING MORE CONTAGIOUS THAN COVID, IT'S
STUPID, BECAUSE RAND PAUL WAS JOINED IN HIS DUMB-DUMB ATTACKS
ON FAUCI BY KANSAS SENATOR AND MAN WHO BOUGHT HIS VENEERS BY
THE FOOT, ROGER MARSHALL. SENATOR MARSHALL ASKED FAUCI
ABOUT FAUCHI'S FINANCIAL DISCLOSURE, WHICH IS PUBLIC,
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW FINANCIAL DISCLOSURES WORK.
AND FAUCI LET IT BE KNOWN IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS IT'S NOT HIS
FAULT IF THE SENATOR DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GOOGLE.
AND THEN AT THE END, THE GOOD DOCTOR LET HIS REAL FEELINGS BE
KNOWN ON A HOT MIC. >> MY FINANCIAL DISCLOSURES ARE
PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE AND HAVE BEEN SO.
YOU ARE GETTING AMAZINGLY WRONG INFORMATION.
>> SO I CANNOT FIND THEM. OUR OFFICE CANNOT FIND THEM.
WHERE WOULD THEY BE IF THEY'RE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE?
WHERE? >> SENATOR MARSHALL, DR. FAUCI
HAS ANSWERED YOU. IT IS PUBLIC INFORMATION, AND
HE'S HAPPY TO GIVE IT TO YOU IF YOU WOULD ASK.
SENATOR MORAN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE ONE PLACE WHERE SENATOR MARSHALL AND HIS STAFF WILL
NEVER BE ABLE TO FIND IT.
FROM THE WORLD OF MEDICINE, BECAUSE ON FRIDAY, IN A MEDICAL
FIRST, A MAN WITH TERMINAL HEART DISEASE GOT A TRANSPLANT OF
GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIG HEART. GREAT NEWS FOR THAT PATIENT.
NOW NOT ONLY DOES HE GET A NEW HEART, BUT EATING BACON IS NOW
ACTUALLY GOOD FOR IT. THE PATIENT IS RECOVERING
NICELY, AND HIS NEW HEART IS FUNCTIONING AND ALREADY DOING
MOT OF THE WORK.
PATIENT IS DOING WELL. THE ONLY DOWNSIDE...
I'M AFRAID YOUR FATHER IS NO LONGER KOSHER."
( LAUGHTER )
FOR STARTERS, TO SUPPRESS THE IMMUNE SYSTEM AND PREVENT
REJECTION, DOCTORS MADE 10 GENETIC MODIFICATIONS ON THE PIG
HEART. AMAZING.
BUT YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU MESS WITH PIG D.N. A.
WE ALL LEARNED THAT FROM THE MOVIE, "JURASSIC PORK."
( LAUGHTER )
THEY'LL SOON BE CELEBRATING QUEEN ELIZABETH'S PLATINUM
JUBILEE, AND BRITAIN IS PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS TO MARK THE
QUEEN'S 70 YEARS ON THE BRITISH THRONE, WITH POMP, PUDDING AND
PARTIES. THERE'S EVEN A VERY-POPULAR PLAN
TO LAUNCH PRINCE ANDREW INTO THE SUN.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THIS IS A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE NO BRITISH MONARCH HAS EVER
SPENT 70 YEARS ON THE THRONE BEFORE.
THE CLOSEST ANY BRITISH ROYAL HAS COME IS QUEEN VICTORIA, WHO
RULED FOR 63 YEARS, WHICH EXPLAINS THE NEW ROYAL
COMMEMORATIVE CHINA: "SUCK IT, VICKI."
( LAUGHTER )
A FOUR-DAY-LONG PUBLIC HOLIDAY STARTING ON JUNE 2.
IN FACT, "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE HAS ALREADY RELEASED THEIR
COMMEMORATIVE, "THE QUEEN WILL DEFINITELY LIVE UNTIL JUNE"
ISSUE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS BRADLEY COOPER.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE."
JOIN US, WON'T YOU? ♪ ♪ ♪