Hello, everybody. My name is Markiplier and welcome to "Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator"
Now I've never had a game that people requested more fervently than this one and if you understand the concept between "Totally Accurate Battle Simulator"
I'm sure we can all understand the concept behind this one
I actually have never played this before, and I've never even seen it, but I already know what's going on.
I'm going to put a whole bunch of stuff, onto the field, and make them clash at each other and hopefully
Something gets something out of someone- oh...
Oh my...
Fes-Festive, OH [Continues to laugh like Santa]
...Oh Santa, Santa. Really? Santa? Aw, that's awesome
I didn't know I could have Santa. Alright Santa you just hold position and you wait, you wait for the-
Oh my god, how many can you put?
Ohoho my god
Would that work? Is that gonna work? - Just one, just one Santa
(Laughs) Just one Santa...
Is this Gonna work? Uh? Uh oh.
Uh Oh
Oh
Oh, No...
Oh no, Oh no- what have I done? Oh?
[Grunting] Ooh...
Nine frames per second oh God, okay, Jesus.
Oh-
Oh my God, where's San- where's Santa?
Ahaha God...
Let's- let's get out of there.
'Cause I think Santa was over on,
I think Santa's in the lake? Why is Santa in the lake?
Oh my God...
Welp,
Oh fuck dude
You okay Santa?
You gonna be okay? Santa I don't think you're gonna be okay.
I severely overestimated the ability for my computer to process this, so I'm just gonna wait here a bit
Until- I don't know, until they reach him or something.
[Mark Starts Scat Singing]- Jumping along at three frames a second.
Ho, ho, ho, I hate life.
Ho, ho, ho, goddammit my wife. [Mark Continues to Scat Sing]
Let's possess this- wait I can right click to possess him.
What the hell is this all about?
Ho, ho, oh [Breaks into laughter]
God! It's so Janky!
[Mark Prepares to Give Santa a Monologue]
Santa be waddling over there eventually- what are the zombies on fire or something what is going on with the zombies?
Oh God, ah it's so unplayable.
Can I attack?
Can Santa- Oh, okay. I think Santa did something, Santa kinda
Flailed around for a little bit. I think that was Santa's method of telling those zombies what for.
Open unit- Rally!
Rally!
[Santa Mark] Yeah where's my Bastard Kiddies?
[Santa Proceeds to Complain About His Back]
Oh God, I'm complaining and have multiple personality syndrome.
Daah! Alright. [while laughing] What the fucking hell?
Dur-dur-dur-dur-dur! Don't mind Santa!
Santa don't mind nobody! Alright, I'll be right back, once these forces meet each other, which is...
[Santa screams "Merry Christmas!", Mark laughs]
[imitating Santa] Merry Christmas! [normal voice] Oh god, I hear the screams of the damned!
What the fuck? [laughs] I know I'm not playing this right, but oh my god.
I thought my computer could handle a little more than this. I'm actually, I'm shocked that my computer can handle this at all.
Well, I'm just gonna start flailing as best I can and hope for the best
I'm not flailing anymore, but I could flail just a little harder than that. [Santa screams about Christmas again]
It's still Christmas, is that what you said? I'm gonna get you! I'm not gonna... Let's see. [grunts]
[laughs]
This is so sad.
This is the- so- so...
God, it's so sad!
[laughs]
[laughs more]
It's so sad!
Oh god... Yup, zombies are victorious. Who would've thought?
Jeez.
The game is lagging so much. I'm gonna turn... I'm gonna turn down to Potato quality.
And hopefully that means that I could get a lot of these assholes on the field. Let's just see. Let's just see.
There's a thousand of these guys
Rank shape? I don't know what that means. World of Thieves? The City of Lost Cr- Ooh, that's nice. Okay.
How do I rotate these guys? Right click to dro - Ohh... ohh...
Okay, so they're coming over the, the hills here
Santas are gonna meet them on the beaches.
Coming up through here. You guys are coming up through here. Yeah, you're gonna attack, they're both gonna attack.
Let's do this! Maybe. See if this works any better on potato quality. 'Cause if I can get it on potato quality, then hell yeah!
Oh! We got a moderate 14 [fps]. Oh, nope, hang on.
My webcam froze. That's a completely different problem. There we go! I'm back now! Okay. Hey! How's it going, guys?
Sorry, nothing broke there. That's totally normal and natural.
Hello.
All right, skedaddly-doo over there. I guess. Whatever.
Whee! [laughs]
The animation quality
is such garbage!
Jesus, you're gonna die so hard. You're gonna die so hard, Santas. Oh man, that's hilarious.
That's really funny.
Really funny! This is working out quite well, actually, honestly.
Ho boy, habooski, habooski...
Habooski! Habooski-bowski! Ooh!
Well, we got some dead Santas, so that's a thing. This is cool, actually. That's actually really cool.
I mean, obviously the Santas are NOT gonna win this, but from a sheer scale magnitude of this thing?
Like, the fact that my computer - which is pretty good, but not like, a supercomputer by any means - is able to render this battle...
I'm impressed! That's actually pretty impressive. I gotta admit, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool, that's pretty cool.
That's pretty cool.
God that's a lot of zombies. Okay, maybe 50,000 is a bit excessive. Is there like a... Are there time controls to this shit?
I'm just going to exit the menu here. I'm gonna... Jesus.
Get rid of that carnage, turn it back up to high quality and start this on more reasonable, more reasonable ventures
Let's go- actually, let's go medium. Medium's fine.
Alright, screw festive.
Let's see, US soldier vs...
Fantasy?
Orcs, giant ogres? Ah. I always liked me some giant ogres.
Let's do a modest thousand vs. 250.
Is that fair? That seems fair. Seems fair.
They've even got guns probably if they're real, like, WWII soldiers. I would imagine that they have guns. This is gonna go great.
Oh look at that! Oh, I'm getting so many frames! Oh god, you can't even imagine how many frames I'm getting!
Ooh.
Okay, go for it.
Whoa-hohohohoho!
How are you not shooting your own men? Oh my god!
AAAHHH! You're aiming right at his head! You're aiming directly - you're ALL aiming directly at their heads!
Oh my god, it's a firestorm. That is incredible.
That is amazing. Oh, they're going down, too. Oh my god.
Welp, this is a decisive victory.
Just by sheer range alone. Wait, hang on. I got the strategy. All right, I'm gonna go way out this way. No one's gonna know.
[makes strange silly noises]
Oh, no, I think they spotted me! Oh god! [laughs]
Not a single one made it! Not a single one. Not a single one. Wow. That's pretty cool. I gotta admit, that's pretty cool.
That's pretty cool, that's pretty cool. Oh, I saw a time scale up there. So, alright. Okay. I like this! I gonna set up something.
It's gonna be a rainy day.
At the crack of noon. It be high noo-noon all over the place.
We're gonna get an avalanche canyon. It's going to be an assault
from...
two fronts. We got our shooty-shooters here. So we got the ogres coming the long way around.
They're gonna flank them. They're gonna flank them from over here. They're gonna flank them. They're gonna flank them.
It's a smaller, smaller attack squad. 150 of them, and then we got another, another team coming in from...
Animals. [laughs] Chickens...
Penguins... [laughs]
Kangaroos!
We got a thousand kangaroos. A thousand strong. Coming up through the pass. Never know when they're coming! You'll never know!
These guys will come straight out of that way. And then! And then! Also!
From Ancient Greece, a wild- just- just
Just one wild man. One crazy, screaming wild man coming in from the other flank
He's out of his goddamn gourd.
Never even in his mind should he be in this battle, but there he is! Just like a frikkin' idiot.
Oh, it's beautiful. Oh, it's beautiful.
Beautiful. Look at the ogres waiting in the lurch.
But the ogres aren't who I'm rooting for I'm rooting for these soldiers who absolutely should not be here. Where's that crazy man?
Oh, there he is! Oh, there he is!
[screaming] AAAHHH!!! I'm a crazy guy!!!
AAAAHHH look at me!!! I'm gonna come get you!!! AAAAHHHH!!!
All you fucking guys with your boomsticks, oh I've got my axe and my big ol' hitty stick here!!!
I'm gonna show you what for!!! I'm a wild man!!!
[normal voice] And where's my kangaroos? Where's my kangaroos?
Where's my kangaroonies? Where's the rutti-tutti kangaroonies? Oh yeah. There they are.
I realize now that I vastly outnumbered all the other guys. These are just kangaroos.
What have I done? Go for it. Go for it buddy. Yeah, okay. Aw, they're adorable. They look like rats.
They're adorable. Where's my wild man? [screaming] AAHHH!!! I'm crazy!!! I'm comin' for ya!!!
WHOOO!!! I'm wild and nutso!!! [normal voice] Where's my wild man?
[laughing] Oh, he's dead already? He's dead!?
[still laughing] Oh he's dead! He's already dead! He's already dead!
I didn't even see him die! I didn't even see him die!
Oh, that's so funny!
Oh jeez! I don't know why that's funny, but oh my god...
That's fucking hilarious!
[laughs even more]
Look at his team name! It's "Wild Mans." [screaming] 'Cause I counted myself as more than one!!!
Oh, I'm wild and crazy!!! OOHHHH BOY!!!
I'm sorry I'm gone out of my mind.
Man. these soldiers are unstoppable. Uh, you're getting a little too close there, buddy. I think you're about to get flailed.
Eh, maybe not. These giant ogres seem have a... no idea what running is all about.
Yep, they're dead. Are the kangaroos dead?
Oh! Kangaroos are tearing people up! Oh shit, they got speed on their side.
Ho-ho! Ho-ho!
Eh, too bad they're filing in one by one. All right, let's see about the time scale here. Slo-mo, baby.
Epic.
Whoa. Press P to toggle? Okay. Wait, okay. P?
No? Do it twice? Nah. Doesn't seem to work.
Well, it's gonna take a while to kill all those kangaroos.
I think somehow...
Yeah, I think somehow the wild man must be the real winner of all this. Oh, poor guy. This poor soul. Lost to the winds.
[laughs] Lost to the winds forever.
Oh.
You will be remembered, sweet prince. Hush. Hush, sweet beautiful prince. Hush. Hush now.
Hush. It'll be okay. Now you're wild and free in your dreams.
[screaming] Oh, I'm in heaven, baby!!! Oh, I got my hitter stick, I got my axe, oh and everything to kill!!!
Meaning all the things I can kill which was technically nothing!!! That's okay, I'm a winner in my mind!!!
OOOHH, I'm wild!!! [normal voice] And that's what he's like up in heaven. [laughs]
Where's the one kangaroo?
Where's the one kangaroo? There's one kangaroo missing. I have no idea where he is.
Where are they going? You're gonna get avalanched.
Oh shit, they really are! Oh god, oh god! Oh god! Oh god, oh god, oh my god.
A little horrifying. Alright, whatever. Guess that's it, then.
Oh, no.
The hunted down the last kangaroo like an animal!
Oh, rest. [kisses]
Rest, sweet prince.
The fuck are you saying?
[soldiers yelling and cheering] America?
[Mark turns the speed down; soldiers' yells sound deep and demonic.]
They're gonna get avalanched again.
[Mark yells]
[and makes more weird noises]
[splat noise]
Wait, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, [splat].
Oh god, oh I'm sorry about that. Okay. [imitating soldiers] America!
[demonic slo-mo sounds]
They even got a Doppler effect on this son of a bitch.
All right! So anyway! Exit the menu.
So that is Epic Battle S- Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator. Very different.
So I uh... A lot of you guys have requested this, but I can see why it's fun now. I can see why it's fun.
So let me know what you think of how I did down the comments below. How did I do that wrong in your opinion?
I think I did it perfectly right. And I found the true champion: the one wild man. The true hero of this game.
Wild beyond your farthest dreams.
So thank you everybody so much for watching. I really do appreciate it.
This was actually a lot of fun. A lot more fun than I thought it'd be.
So thanks again, and as always I will see you in the next video. Bye-bye!
(outro music) (Subtitles by Aaron Williams ^_^)