Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question asks if I d discuss recovering from having been in a
narcissistic, toxic, abusive relationship. Now this is a questions come up quite a few times
in some of the videos I've made and it's something I don't think I could cover in just one video, so
I'm going to be looking at different aspects of it. But another question that has come up and
it's come up in the therapy room as well from time to time is what is it is stopping me from
recovering? Why am I not getting better? Why am I not getting better? What is it's holding me back?
Why do I keep going back there? Why do I keep ruminating? So for today I'm going to discuss what
I think is one of the biggest obstacles to our recovery from having been in a toxic relationship,
and that is the sense of unfairness. That is the need to have some sort of justice. Now,
if you like this video, if you find it helpful, please click like and please consider subscribing
to my channel. But just to remind you, this video is not a substitute for support from
a mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone. Now if you have been
on the wrong end of a narcissist, if you've been in a difficult toxic relationship, chances are
you've been treated very unfairly. You've been judged harshly. You've been lied to,
you've been gaslit. You've been cheated on. Maybe you were driven to the point of insanity
by them trying to convince you, you were insane. And whether that was a partner, a long term
partner, a horrible boss at work, a narcissistic family you ve broken away from, even just a toxic
friend that constantly berates and betrays you. What happens is we tend to ruminate over things,
you know, Why would someone treat me like this? I didn't treat them like that,
you know? Why do people believe that I'm the liar and I'm the abuser? Why do people believe
that they are the victim? Our brains do not like things that don't make sense.
What we see is unfairness. We see pain, regret, humiliation, we have feelings of disempowerment
and what we want is some kind of karma. We want some kind of justice. I want you to feel what I
felt. I want others to see you the way I nice see you and sometimes we even want to have revenge.
But this is the thing about narcissism, it was not something you poke with a stick.
It's not something you throw stones at hoping to get some kind of reaction, something that's going
to be in your favour, hoping you're going to get some realisation from the thought
generally doesn't end well because narcissism has a long memory. It can be incredibly vindictive.
And it's also incredibly destructive. Narcissists tend to destroy things from the inside,
and when they can no longer do that, they will try to destroy it from the outside. And when it comes
to wanting some kind of justice, what we need is some kind of validation that we all need to feel
validated. We need others to reflect us to mirrors to understand us, to empathise with us, sometimes
even if it's just for the sake of feeling sane. We need it. But sometimes we don't even get that,
especially when others seem to be believing them, friends, your own family members, work colleagues,
and next door neighbour, the kids even. That hurts like hell when we feel so invalidated.
And sometimes we would even just settle for some kind of acknowledgement from the abuser.
That, you know, maybe they could have done things differently. Maybe they have some kind of regret.
When it comes to narcissism we re certainly not going to get that. Unless of course it's part of,
say, the love bombing stage or something, or the hoovering stage just to try to reel
you a back in again. So how do you reason, how do you get some kind of acknowledgement
from someone who is perhaps pathologically disagreeable? Somebody who s pathologically
incapable of accepting responsibility for themselves? How do you feel validated from
someone who perhaps even enjoyed invalidating you? Well, if they were toxic, disagreeable,
malignant, selfish, judgmental, emotionally distant when they were in the relationship,
what makes you think that suddenly going to change now that you're apart? We get angry. We
get angry with the abuser. We get angry at others for believing them, we even get angry at ourselves
sometimes for the time we wasted on them, the loss of ,the loss of money, the loss of resources. And
I made a video a while ago on what's known as narcissistic abuse, and I'm looking at the long
term effects of having been in a difficult, toxic, narcissistic relationship. If you think that would
be helpful, by all means go ahead and have a look. But that anger, that anger can be fuelled even
further when we see the injustice of say, they end up with the house. They get to keep their
job. They may be may even get a promotion. You're the one who had to leave, you know,
maybe they already have a new partner they re starting a new family and it's all over social
media how amazingly happy they are. That can be really devaluing. It looks like they've won,
and the sad truth is, sometimes they do. Because this need to have our hero moment, this,
this need we have for everyone to suddenly see them the way they really are. Sadly the
world does not work like that. If only it worked the way it did in the movies. But unfortunately
real life is not always like that. And the more we get caught up in that, the more we ruminate, the
more we want revenge, we want Karma. Well, I've heard it described as it's like drinking poison
and hoping the other person gets sick. So how do you let go of that need for justice, that revenge,
that constant rumination over what happened? Trying to get a different outcome by just thinking
of the same thing over and over again? Well before I say anything else, I think a good place to start
is to maybe see a mental health professional like a counsellor or psychotherapist, perhaps even join
a support group where you can work through what happened. Try to unpick it, make sense of these
things that don't make sense and explore options to be able to move forward. I also think though
that comes whenever we start accepting that that other person, that toxic person is hopeless. They,
they don't necessarily have the ability to change. They can learn different tactics
to do the same thing over and over again, but they don't have the ability to grow,
develop, even thrive the way you do. Yeah it hurts, they get custody of the kids. They, they
get the house. They get to take all your friends, whatever. That hurts like hell, but they still
end up living their own distorted fantasy. Performing those same incredible illnesses.
Telling those same outrageous lies. Sooner or later everybody gets the see it for what it is.
The closure that we're often looking for is not often than what we think it is. Sometimes,
sometimes the closure is acknowledging we're not necessarily going to get that hero moment.
We're not necessarily going to get the SWAT team coming in and sorting everything. Sometimes the
closure is recognising, even if under a lot of financial strain or whatever, a lot of difficulty,
a lot of people looking at you, frowning and gossiping behind your back, acknowledging we are
better off without them. Acknowledging that we can not just live, but we can thrive.
We can learn to deal with their, and indeed other people's toxic behaviour. We can learn to deal
with it with indifference. We can learn to just observe it, not absorb it. We can form healthy,
supportive relationships with others. Sometimes that is the best revenge you'll ever have.
Thriving, that s the best revenge you will ever have. But also recognise that your recovery is a
journey, it is not a mad dash. And incidentally, if you think about it, that is another advantage
you have over a narcissist. That ability to think about tomorrow, next week, next month,
next year. The ability to think about what can I do now that I'm going to thank myself later on?
With narcissism what you often get is someone thinking in the moment. What makes me look good
now? What makes me win this right now? What gets me out of this difficult situation right now?
That's why that's why they seem to forget the lies they told two minutes ago. Because they're
always thinking of right now. Sometimes they stop being the relentless, untouchable monsters that we
feared they were. Sometimes they just mean nothing more to us. Sometimes we may even
just see them as they're like Wile E. Coyote, they are absolutely ridiculous. So reach out.
Utilise whatever supports are available to you, maybe mental health services, support groups,
counselling and things like that. Legal services, legal advice, friends, family, even
online resources. So that's just a few thoughts on what I think is one of the biggest obstacles
to our recovery from having been in a narcissistic relationship. Now please feel free to leave your
thoughts in the comment box below. There have been some interesting discussions starting around these
videos. If you like this video if you found it helful please consider subscribing to my channel
for future updates on mental health related topics and until next time thanks for watching.