>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT DOES FEEL GOOD TO BE BACK.
WE JUST RETURNED FROM A TWO-WEEK BREAK.
I DIDN'T WATCH ANY NEWS.
HOW'S KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND DOING?
REALLY?
SHE'S OUT?
WELL, THAT'S JUST MORE VOTES FOR JAY INSLEE.
WHAT?!
BUT HE HAD GLASSES!
HE WAS THE ONE WITH GLASSES, RIGHT?
OKAY.
OF COURSE, THE BIG STORY IS HURRICANE DORIAN.
IT'S CURRENTLY A CATEGORY 2, BUT OVER THE WEEKEND, IT GREW TO A
CATEGORY 5 STORM THAT HAS DEVASTATED THE BAHAMAS.
IT'S SLOWLY MOVING OFF.
OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH EVERYONE DOWN THERE TONIGHT.
AND LET'S REMEMBER THEM WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER.
NOW, THE STORM IS HOVERING OFF THE COAST OF THE UNITED STATES.
NO ONE IS SURE IF IT'S GOING TO MAKE LANDFALL OR WHERE.
AND BY "NO ONE," I MEAN DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER )
AMERICAN PUBLIC WITH 122 TWEETS, INCLUDING DOZENS OF UPDATES
ABOUT THE STORM, MIXED IN WITH COMMENTS ABOUT THE TRADE WAR
WITH CHINA, COMPLAINTS ABOUT JAMES COMEY, AND HIS ANNOYANCE
WITH THE ACTRESS DEBRA MESSING.
( LAUGHTER )
OVERBURDENED WITH ACCURACY.
FOR INSTANCE ON SUNDAY HE TWEETED, "IN ADDITION TO
FLORIDA, SOUTH CAROLINA, NORTH CAROLINA, GEORGIA, AND ALABAMA,
WILL MOST LIKELY BE HIT MUCH HARDER THAN ANTICIPATED LOOKING
LIKE ONE OF THE LARGEST HURRICANES EVER.
ALREADY CATEGORY 5.
BE CAREFUL!
GOD BLESS EVERYONE!" WHY THE ALL CAPS?
DOES HE THINK THE STORM DROWNS OUT HIS TWEETS?"
"REALLY COMING DOWN OUT THERE, I'M GONNA PUT THE CAPS LOCK ON.
(YELLING) CAN YOU READ ME NOW?"
( LAUGHTER )
QUICKLY CORRECTED HIM, TWEETING, "ALABAMA WILL NOT SEE ANY
IMPACTS FROM #DORIAN.
WE REPEAT, NO IMPACTS FROM HURRICANE DORIAN WILL BE FELT
ACROSS ALABAMA."
( APPLAUSE )
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS TO FACT CHECK THE PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER )
THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE HAS TO TWEET, "IT IS OUR DUTY TO REPORT
THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS INCORRECT WHEN HE SAID THAT PACKAGES ARE
MOMMIES AND LETTERS ARE THEIR BABIES."
( LAUGHTER )
HE WAS WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING, SO THE NEXT DAY HE FIRED BACK,
"I SUGGESTED YESTERDAY AT FEMA THAT, ALONG WITH FLORIDA,
GEORGIA, SOUTH CAROLINA AND NORTH CAROLINA, EVEN ALABAMA
COULD POSSIBLY COME INTO PLAY, WHICH WAS TRUE.
THEY MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS-- DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT,OT-- WHEN, IN FACT, UNDER CERTAIN ORIGINAL SCENARIOS, IT
WAS, IN FACT, CORRECT THAT ALABAMA COULD HAVE RECEIVED SOME
HURT."
( LAUGHTER )
"OKAY, I'M NOT WRONG.
BECAUSE AT ONE POINT, I WAS RIGHT.
UNDER CERTAIN SCENARIOS, IT COULD HAVE HIT ALABAMA.
I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I WRITE WEATHER FAN FICTION.
( LAUGHTER )
ENDS UP WITH HERMIONE.
OKAY?
IT'S A NATURAL, PRETTY HOT."
AND THE TRACK OF THE--
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE'RE BACK!
WE'RE BACK, BABY!
>> Jon: YEAH!
YEAH!
COME ON NOW!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STORM WASN'T THE ONLY THING HE GOT WRONG.
HERE'S WHAT HE SAID AT A FEMA BRIEFING ON SUNDAY.
>> WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S COMING AT US.
ALL WE KNOW IS IT'S POSSIBLY THE BIGGEST.
I HAVE-- NOT SURE-- I'M NOT SURE THAT I'VE EVER EVEN HEARD OF A
CATEGORY 5.
I KNEW IT EXISTED.
AND I'VE SEEN SOME CATEGORY 4s.
YOU DON'T EVEN SEE THEM THAT MUCH.
BUT A CATEGORY 5 IS SOMETHING THAT I DON'T KNOW THAT I'VE EVER
EVEN HEARD THE TERM.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I NEVER HEARD OF A CATEGORY 5.
UP UNTIL I TOOK OFFICE, FOUR WAS THE BIGGEST NUMBER.
( LAUGHTER )
AND WAIT-- HOLD ON.
I HAVE AN IDEA.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
SIX."
HOW HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE WHEN THERE
HAVE BEEN THREE CATEGORY 5 HURRICANES WHILE YOU'VE BEEN
PRESIDENT?
( LAUGHTER )
FROM LISTENING TO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE.
>> I NEVER EVEN KNEW A CATEGORY 5 EXISTED.
IT ACTUALLY TOUCHED DOWN AS A CATEGORY 5.
PEOPLE HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF A 5 HITTING LAND.
CATEGORY 5, NEVER HEARD ABOUT CATEGORY 5s BEFORE, A CATEGORY 5
IS BIG STUFF!
>> Stephen: SO YOU HAVE HEARD OF IT, AND THEN YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD OF IT.
AND THEN YOU HAVE AND THEN YOU HAVEN'T.
YOU HAVE THE MEMORY OF A GOLDFISH.
TO GO ALONG WITH THE SKIN TONE.
TO GO ALONG.
TO GO ALONG WITH.
IT'S TRUE.
BUT PRESIDENT TRUMP DIDN'T JUST HAVE WRONG IDEAS ABOUT THE
HURRICANE.
HE ALSO HAD SOME WRONG IDEAS ABOUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT
HURRICANES.
BECAUSE WE'VE LEARNED THAT DURING ONE WHITE HOUSE MEETING
ABOUT THE ONGOING THREAT OF HURRICANES, TRUMP SAID,
"I GOT IT.
I GOT IT.
WHY DON'T WE NUKE THEM?"
>> Jon: NO!
>> Stephen: SO, THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD WANTS
TO NUKE THE WIND.
MUCH LIKE THE HURRICANE, HE BLEW ON: "THEY START FORMING OFF THE
COAST OF AFRICA, AS THEY'RE MOVING ACROSS THE ATLANTIC, WE
DROP A BOMB INSIDE THE EYE OF THE HURRICANE, AND IT
DISRUPTS IT.
WHY CAN'T WE DO THAT?" OH, OH!
I KNOW THIS ONE!
BECAUSE IF YOU NUKE A HURRICANE, YOU GET A RADIOACTIVE HURRICANE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S LIKE--
I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
IT'S LIKE PUTTING CHERNOBYL ON JET SKIS.
( LAUGHTER )
NOT ANOTHER BAD THING.
( AS TRUMP ) "WHAT?
THERE'S AN EARTHQUAKE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?
GOT IT.
LET'S SPRAY LOS ANGELES WITH EBOLA."
TEACH THAT-- TEACH THAT EARTHQUAKE A LESSON."
WHEN THE PRESIDENT SUGGESTED THE LITERAL NUCLEAR OPTION IN THE
MEETING, THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM WERE STUNNED.
ACCORDING TO ONE PERSON PRESENT, "YOU COULD HEAR A GNAT FART IN
THAT MEETING.
( LAUGHTER )
AFTER THE MEETING ENDED, WE THOUGHT, 'WHAT THE (BLEEP)?
WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS?'"
>> Jon: HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: GET A BETTER PRESIDENT?
BECAUSE THAT FARTING GNAT WOULD BE A BETTER PRESIDENT.
STILL, ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL DEFENDED THE PRESIDENT, SAYING,
"HIS GOAL, TO KEEP A CATASTROPHIC HURRICANE FROM
HITTING THE MAINLAND, IS NOT BAD.
HIS OBJECTIVE IS NOT BAD."
OH, SO IF THE OBJECTIVE IS NOT BAD, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW YOU
ACHIEVE IT.
IT'S LIKE SAYING, "YOU KNOW, SINCE GRANDMA DIED, GRANDPA HAS
BEEN ALONE TOO MUCH.
SO I SOLD HIM TO THE YAKUZA."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: OH, NO.
THAT'S A DARK TURN THERE.
>> Stephen: HE'LL BE VERY HAPPY THERE.
WILL NOT BE ALONE.
BECAUSE HE SOLD HIM TO THE YAKUZA.
AND IT'S NOT REASSURING WHEN YOU TELL US THAT THIS IS THE WAY THE
PRESIDENT SOLVES PROBLEMS.
(AS TRUMP) "YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: IF YOU
WANT TO MAKE AN OMELET, YOU GOTTA NUKE A FEW IHOPS."