>> Stephen: HELLO THERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND HERE IN NEW YORK.
SUNSHINE, 74 DEGREES, WITH AN 80% CHANCE OF HOPE, THANKS TO
THE VACCINE.
AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON ALL THE GOOD NEWS IN TONIGHT'S
"THE VAX-SCENE."
(BOY BAND SINGING) ♪ OOOH OOOH ♪
♪ AND THIS IS WHAT I'LL DO ♪ ♪ QUICK SHOT TO YOUR ARM NOW ♪
♪ I WANNA VAX YOU UP ♪ ♪ QUICK SHOT TO YOUR ARM NOW ♪
♪ AND THIS IS WHAT I'LL DO NOW ♪ ♪ QUICK SHOT TO OUR ARM NOW ♪
>> Stephen: NO NEED TO HAVE A DEFINITE ENDING.
2021 HAS SEEN HUGE PROGRESS ON COVID.
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S STATED GOAL WAS FOR 70% OF ADULTS TO RECEIVE
AT LEAST ONE DOSE BY JULY 4TH.
AND IF WE DON'T MAKE THAT GOAL, HE'S JUST GONNA MASS-VACCINATE
WITH M-80 BIG BANG BLASTI-BODIES AS OF SATURDAY, NEARLY 60% OF
ADULTS HAD RECEIVED AT LEAST ONE DOSE, AND ACCORDING TO THE
LATEST "AXIOS-IPSOS-LITTLE DEBBIE'S SWISS ROLLS POLL,"
75% OF RESPONDENTS SAID THEY EITHER HAD GOTTEN THE VACCINE OR
WERE LIKELY TO GET IT.
THIS RESTORES MY FAITH IN AMERICANS.
GIVEN THE CHOICE, ONLY A QUARTER OF THE POPULATION HAS CHOSEN
PLAGUE.
ACCORDING TO THE POLL, PEOPLE ARE FEELING BETTER EMOTIONALLY,
POSSIBLY BECAUSE , 59% OF AMERICANS VISITED FRIENDS IN THE
LAST WEEK, WHICH IS THE HIGHEST OF THE PANDEMIC.
FINALLY AMERICANS ARE SEEING FRIENDS AGAIN INSTEAD OF
BINGEING "FRIENDS" AGAIN.
AND WE CAN SEE OUR FRIENDS FACES AGAIN, BECAUSE LAST WEEK THE
C.D.C. ANNOUNCED, THAT FULLY VACCINATED PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO
WEAR MASKS IN MOST CASES.
THAT'S MOST CASES.
YOU STILL HAVE TO WEAR A MASK IF YOU'RE TRAVELING BY PLANE, BY
BUS, OR BY SCUBA.
NOW REMEMBER: THESE NEW RULES ARE FOR VACCINATED PEOPLE ONLY.
WHICH SOUNDS GREAT UNTIL YOU REALIZE, THE C.D.C. MADE THIS
ANNOUNCEMENT WITHOUT ANY GOOD WAY TO CONFIRM WHO HAS BEEN
VACCINATED.
SO, THE C.D.C. IS RELYING ON UNVACCINATED AMERICANS TO BE
HONEST WITH ONE ANOTHER.
WHICH IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
AS ONE PSYCHOLOGIST PUT IT MANY WILL LIE.
MANY ARE LYING, HAVE BEEN LYING.
ADDING, I ALWAYS LIE, AND THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT WAS TRUE,
CAUSING ALL OF THE ROBOTS' HEADS TO EXPLODE.
BUT IF YOU'RE VACCINATED, YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR
LYING, UNVACCINATED NEIGHBORS, AS C.D.C. DIRECTOR ROCHELLE
WALENSKY EXPLAINED >> IF YOU ARE VACCINATED, WE ARE
SAYING YOU ARE SAFE, YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR MASK AND YOU ARE
NOT AT RISK OF SEVERE DISEASE OR HOSPITALIZATION FROM COVID-19.
IF YOU ARE NOT VACCINATED, YOU ARE NOT SAFE.
PLEASE GO GET VACCINATED OR CONTINUE TO WEAR YOUR MASK.
WHAT WE ARE REALLY ASKING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE TO DO IS TO BE
HONEST WITH THEMSELVES AND TO NOT REMOVE THEIR MASKS UNTIL
THEY ARE SAFE.
THE ONLY THING AMERICANS NEED TO STAY SAFE IS TO BE HONEST WITH
THEMSELVES.
WE ARE DOOMED.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE SERVING SIZE OF OREOS IS?
IT'S NOT SLEEVE.
AND PUMPING CHEESE IS NOT EXERCISE.
WITH THINGS STARTING TO GET BACK TO NORMAL, I WAS STRUCK BY THIS
HEADLINE: HUGS ARE COMING BACK.
NOT EVERYONE IS THRILLED.
FOR INSTANCE, EVERYONE WHO WORKS WITH GOVERNOR CUOMO.
THIS ARTICLE FOLLOWS PEOPLE WHO NEVER LIKED PHYSICAL CONTACT,
I'M SURE THE REST OF US WILL BE FINE.
BETTER THAN FINE.
IN FACT, AFTER 14 MONTHS, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO HUGS.
THIS IS: >> A LATE SHOW'S: MOMENT OF
HUMAN CONTACT >> EWWWW
COOTIES!
>> STEPHEN: I AM NOW GOING TO HUG MY STAGE MANAGER MARK.
MARK, BRING IT IN HERE.
THERE YOU GO.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
DID YOU THINK THERE WAS GOING TO BE A JOKE?
( BLEEP ) YOU.
WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
DO WE EXCHANGE INSURANCE INFORMATION?
OKAY.
( EEP BREATHING ) WELL, IT'S ANOTHER DAY IN
AMERICA, WHICH MEANS IT'S A BAD DAY FOR FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN MATT
GAETZ, SEEN HERE CHALLENGING HIS HAIR TO A STARING CONTEST.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP IN OUR RECURRING SEGMENT:
GAETZ GATE >> DON'T WORRY BABE, YOU'LL MAKE
VARSITY NEXT YEAR.
>> Stephen: CONGRESSMAN GAETZ IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY
THE FEDS FOR ALLEGED SEX TRAFFICKING AND HAVING SEX WITH
A MINOR.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE HIS SO-CALLED WINGMAN IS GETTING READY TO
SING MAN.
I'M TALKING ABOUT: FORMER FLORIDA TAX COLLECTOR AND GUY
TELLING A DISTURBING STORY ABOUT HOW HE MET HIS WIFE, JOEL
GREENBERG.
GREENBERG IS A LONGTIME BUDDY OF GAETZ, AND HE'S ALREADY IN
FEDERAL CUSTODY FOR SEX TRAFFICKING AND OTHER CRIMES.
TODAY, HE OFFICIALLY PLEADED GUILTY AND AGREED TO
COOPERATE WITH PROSECUTORS.
UH-OH, GAETZ IS SCREWED AND THIS TIME, HE DOESN'T HAVE TO VENMO
ANYONE BECAUSE HIS OLD BUDDY GREENBERG HAS NOW PUBLICLY
ADMITTED TO PAYING WOMEN FOR COMMERCIAL SEX ACTS FOR HIMSELF
AND OTHER MEN.
COMMERCIAL SEX ACTS MAKES IT SOUND LIKE THERE WERE SPONSORS.
NOTHING KILLS THE MOOD LIKE BEING MID-ACTION AND HAVING TO
STOP FOR: (FRIENDLY PODCAST PROMO VOICE)
"THIS COKE-FUELED ORGY IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ZIP-RECRUITER
THE NUMBER ONE RESOURCE FOR HIRING TOP TALENT.
OTHER THAN SLIDING INTO THEIR DM'S."
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS FOR MATT GAETZ YET, BUT HE COULD
BE CHARGED ANY MINUTE.
JUST ASK THIS ACTUAL PLANE BANNER SOMEONE FLEW
OVER THE COURTHOUSE TODAY, READING TICK TOCK MATT GAETZ.
IRONIC, SINCE TIK-TOK IS WHERE HE FINDS MOST OF HIS DATES.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST GREENBERG'S GUILTY PLEA THAT SPELLS BAD NEWS
FOR GAETZ.
WE JUST LEARNED THAT REPORTEDLY, AT A 2019 FUNDRAISER, GAETZ
SNORTED COCAINE AND HAD SEX WITH AN ESCORT WHO WAS PAID WITH
CAMPAIGN MONEY.
SO DON'T WORRY, DONORS.
HE DIDN'T FLUSH YOUR MONEY DOWN THE DRAIN.
HE PLACED IT ON THE DRESSER.
WITNESSES SAY THE ESCORT PREPARED LINES OF COCAINE ON THE
BATHROOM COUNTER.
WHICH IS STRANGE, BECAUSE IF YOU WANT A LARGE, SMOOTH SURFACE,
YOU CAN'T DO BETTER THAN MATT GAETZ'S FOREHEAD.
AS FOR THE ESCORT HERSELF, SHE AND GAETZ WEREN'T EXACTLY GOING
STEADY.
SAID ONE SOURCE SHE WAS JUST ONE OF THE MANY
PIECES OF ARM CANDY HE HAD.
THAT CANDY?
HIGH SCHOOL JUNIOR MINTS.
GAETZ, FOR HIS PART, DOESN'T SEEM TO GET WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS
ABOUT.
ON SATURDAY, HE TOLD A CROWD OF REPUBLICAN ACTIVISTS
I'M BEING FALSELY ACCUSED OF EXCHANGING MONEY FOR NAUGHTY
FAVORS.
NAUGHTY FAVORS?
SPOKEN LIKE A MAN WHO REALLY DOESN'T GRASP THE SEVERITY OF
HAVING SEX WITH A MINOR.
THAT'S LIKE JEFFERY DAHMER CALLING HIS CANNIBALISM A
WHOOPS-A-NIBBLE.
GAETZ THEN EXPLAINED THAT "HE'S" NOT THE ONE DOING
MONEY-FOR-BAD-STUFF, SAYING, CONGRESS HAS RE-INSTITUTED A
PROCESS THAT LEGALIZES THE CORRUPT ACT OF EXCHANGING MONEY
FOR FAVORS, THROUGH EARMARKS, AND EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT THAT'S
THE CORRUPTION.
DOES EVERYONE KNOW THAT?
YOUR DATE MIGHT NOT, DEPENDING ON HOW SHE'S DOING IN SOCIAL
STUDIES.
OK, ENOUGH GAETZ-GATE.
LET'S TURN TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY:
GATES-GAETE.
>> YO BILL, HEAR YOU'RE SINGLE NOW.
YOU SHOULD COME TO MY PARTY AT CLAIRE'S.
>> STEPHEN: WE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT BILL GATES AND HIS WIFE
MELINDA ARE FILING FOR DIVORCE.
THIS MAY HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON THEIR JOINT PHILANTHROPIC
VENTURE, THE BILL AND MELINDA GATES FOUNDATION.
BUT I WANT TO REASSURE YOU THAT THERE WILL BE NO IMPACT ON MY
CHARITABLE ORGANIZATION THE STEPHEN AND MELINDA GATES
FOUNDATION.
PLEASE CONTINUE TO GIVE GENEROUSLY.
WE ARE JUST MONTHS AWAY FROM FINDING A CAUSE.
WE JUST LEARNED THAT LONG BEFORE THEIR SPLIT, BILL GATES HAD A
REPUTATION FOR QUESTIONABLE BEHAVIOR.
YEAH, WE ALL REMEMBER THE ZUNE.
BUT THERE ARE SOME TROUBLING DETAILS, INCLUDING THAT
ON AT LEAST A FEW OCCASIONS, MR. GATES PURSUED WOMEN WHO WORKED
FOR HIM AT MICROSOFT AND THE BILL AND MELINDA GATES
FOUNDATION.
BOLD MOVE TO PURSUE AN AFFAIR AT AN OFFICE LITERALLY NAMED AFTER
YOUR MARRIAGE.
BABY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT MELINDA.
OR LOOK AT THE EXTERIOR OF THE BUILDING.
OR THE STATIONERY.
OR OUR WEBSITE.
OR YOUR W-2.
OR MELINDA, WHO'S ALSO IN THIS MEETING.
HERE'S AN EXAMPLE.
IN 2006, GATES ATTENDED AN EMPLOYEE PRESENTATION
LEFT THE MEETING AND IMMEDIATELY EMAILED THE WOMAN TO ASK HER OUT
TO DINNER, SAYING, IF THIS MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, PRETEND IT
NEVER HAPPENED.
OF COURSE, PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED WAS ALSO THE MOTTO FOR
WINDOWS VISTA.
NOW THAT BEHAVIOR IS SKETCHY, BUT IT'S NOT SHOCKING-- AFTER
ALL, ONE LOOK AT HIM AND YOU KNOW, THE MAN IS AN UNTAMABLE
SEX MACHINE.
BUT LIKE THE MAJORITY OF TROUBLED MARRIAGES, THE NUMBER
ONE SOURCE OF CONFLICT WAS HANGING OUT WITH JEFFREY
EPSTEIN.
BECAUSE WE'RE NOW LEARNING THAT GATES MET EPSTEIN DOZENS OF
TIMES STARTING IN 2011 AND CONTINUING THROUGH TO 2014.
THAT'S AFTER EPSTEIN'S SEX CRIMES WERE KNOWN TO THE PUBLIC.
ALTHOUGH, MAYBE GATES DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT EPSTEIN,
BECAUSE HE LOOKED HIM UP ON BING.
EVEN MORE DISTURBING, SOURCES SAY EPSTEIN GAVE BILL GATES
ADVICE ON HOW TO END A 'TOXIC' MARRIAGE.
OF COURSE, THE MOST FOOL-PROOF ADVICE ON ENDING ANY MARRIAGE?
SPEND TIME WITH ME, JEFFREY EPSTEIN.
IS THIS JUST IN?
BECAUSE IT SAYS "THIS JUST IN."
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE AN UPDATE.
WE HAVE AN UPDATE.
JUST IN: ON THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY GRIPPING THE NATION, I'M
TALKING ABOUT:
TIGER ON THE LOOSE (TIGER ROARS)
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT, HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: LAST WEEK
A TIGER WAS SPOTTED WANDERING AROUND A RESIDENTIAL
NEIGHBORHOOD IN TEXAS, UNTIL A MYSTERY MAN CAME TO RETRIEVE THE
BIG CAT.
END OF STORY, RIGHT?
WRONG.
BECAUSE WE THEN FOUND OUT THAT GUY WAS VICTOR HUGO CUEVAS
A MURDER SUSPECT OUT ON BOND, WHO WAS THEN RE-ARRESTED FOR
HAVING THE TIGER, THE TIGER'S WHEREABOUTS ARE NOT KNOWN.
AND YOU KNOW THINGS ARE MESSED UP WHEN THE MOST UNDERSTANDABLE
PART OF A NEWS STORY ARE THE WORDS MURDER SUSPECT.
THEN THINGS GOT WEIRDER IN THIS STORY-- WHICH, I WILL REMIND
YOU, IS NOT TAKING PLACE IN FLORIDA.
AFTER BEING ARRESTED, CUEVAS INSISTED THAT HE WAS NOT THE
TIGER'S OWNER.
SMART.
NEVER BUY A TIGER - ALWAYS LEASE.
THOSE THINGS START DEPRECIATING THE MINUTE THEY WALK OFF THE LOT
AND MAUL A CUB SCOUT TROOP.
BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE MISSING TIGER
WAS TURNED IN TO AUTHORITIES.
WHICH BRINGS US TO TIGER FOUND EDITION.
TURNS OUT, THE ALLEGED MURDERER SLASH TIGER SMUGGLER WAS MAYBE
NOT THE MOST HONEST GUY.
BECAUSE HE KNEW ALL ALONG WHERE IT WAS: HE LEFT THE TIGER WITH
HIS WIFE, GIA.
THAT'S A GOOD WIFE, SHE TOOK A VOW: TILL DEATH DO YOU PART.
WHICH MAY BE SOON, IF YOUR HUSBAND ASKS YOU TO HIDE HIS
TIGER.
IF YOU'RE CONCERNED THAT A BLOOD THIRSTY APEX PREDATOR WAS
LURKING AROUND A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD, DON'T.
ACCORDING TO POLICE THE TIGER WAS PASSED AROUND A
LITTLE BIT, BUT ULTIMATELY GIA KNEW WHERE THE TIGER WAS AT ALL
TIMES.
THAT IS REASSURING.
HEY, I KNOW YOUR INTESTINES ARE KINDA SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM
RIGHT NOW, BUT DON'T WORRY, GIA KNOWS WHERE THE TIGER IS AT ALL
TIMES.
RIGHT NOW, IT'S NOSHING ON YOUR FEET.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUESTS ARE CINDY
MCCAIN AND POSE STAR M.J.
RODRIGUEZ.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE KIDS ARE FIGHTING, AND THEY'RE USING
A WORD I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
STICK AROUND.