Transcriber: Capa Girl Reviewer: Fran Ontanaya
So when I graduated from college, I took a job,
as a strategy consultant and this is a very serious job.
It is buttoned-up professional, long hours at the office,
on the road Monday through Friday, every single week.
You know these jerks at the airport, with the roller bags and the suits,
and the blackberry; that was me.
It turned out this wasn't a very fun job, maybe unsurprisingly,
but there was a perk,
which is that I got to keep all of my hotel points and airline miles.
So, you know, you pretty quickly become sort of a high roller,
and I go and check into the hotel
and they greet me by name and they upgrade my room
and they send up a fruit plate and a bottle of wine from the manager
and I'm like, "Wow, this is a pretty good deal."
'Cause I am like cruising around in my power suit,
I'm going to meetings, I'm making synergies.
And the whole time I am thinking, no one is going to find out
my secret — I was just a kid.
I was barely old enough to drink the wine they were sending up to my room.
I had no business giving managers executive advice,
let alone flying first class.
So I had this secret that I was carrying around with me at all time.
Outside of the privacy of my hotel room,
I was really trying to play it mature.
But when I was in the hotel room, [unclear]
this was truly the circle of trust in the hotel room
because I have got my sparkle snowflake jammy pants,
and my unicorn T-shirt, my little purple toothbrush...
So housekeeping, they were in the trust bubble with me.
They were supposed to be there for me.
So one day I come back from a long day of work,
I'm so ready to get rid of this rigid business suit,
my sparkle snowflakes jammies come on
and I'm snuggling myself into bed.
And it is not until I am about to go and turn off the light
that I realize that something is missing.
Where's my bear?!
Great! So I started to freak out a little bit
because I still sleep with the stuffed bear
and I don't want to see any of your judgmental badger faces.
Everyone has got their thing. Mine just happens to be the bear.
But at first I tried to play it cool. I'm like, "Oh, I'm sure he's here."
Housekeeping would always prop him leisurely against the pillow,
like mid-balanced on his belly.
So I'm sure they have taken care of him.
So I look behind the pillows, then under the sheets,
under the bed and in my suitcase,
and in the dresser drawers and behind the curtains
and then the bathtub, and I am loosing it
and pretty soon I had exhausted the in-room possibilities,
and two facts become clear.
One. The bear is not in the room.
Two. I have to make a very embarrassing phone call to the front desk.
So I call down there and the concierge tells me,
"Yes ma'am, we are on it, we'll find him right away."
But when I hang up with him, I'm still freaking out.
In fact, now I am pacing around the room, I am thinking, "Where could have he gone?
He couldn't get far on foot, wasn't he here this morning,"
like, "What am I supposed to do now?
I guess I'll call my mom, wake her up in the middle of the night,"
and I do, but she doesn't do much to calm me down.
In fact she tells me, I am gonna need to find him
before housekeeping puts him through the ironing machine.
(Laughter)
Which is I'm imagining is like some kind of medieval torture device for stuffed animals.
And now I have totally lost it and I just storm out of the room,
still in my jammies, because I am a woman on a mission
I don't have time to change my clothes.
So I'm going down in the elevator, I'm trying to collect myself,
doors open: the lobby is full.
It's the middle of the night, with some red-eye [flight] has just landed
and it is full of suits and the roller bags and the blackberries;
the people that I was supposed to be like,
and there I am in my jammie jams, okay?
So I go up to the front desk
and the concierge is already whopping out his walkie-talkie
to issue the APB and he is like,
"Attention hotel staff. One of our platinum level guests is missing a bear."
(Laughter)
The best part is that this amber alert
is going out to all the walkie-talkies
strapped to every employee in the hotel.
So it's like reverberating in surround sound throughout the lobby.
And then he's giving a description, he's like,
"It is a white stuffed bear — Is it a polar bear? It's a polar bear —
It's a polar bear!"
I'm just so humiliated.
What happened to the circle of trust, people?! This is awful.
And then everyone is laughing and then suddenly
this scowling member of the housekeeping staff emerges and she's got my bear,
but she's carrying him upside down
by the leg, like he's a dirty sock
her arm is extended like the immaturity of the stuffed animal is contagious
and she sort of surveys the occupants in the lobby,
walks up to me and asks, "Ma'am, is this yours?"
And I'm like, "Is it that obvious?"
But seriously, I was so overjoyed to be reunited with my bear,
that I hugged her, and I hugged the concierge
and I go back to the elevator where there is this nice-suited gentleman
who is holding the door for me and he sort of chuckles, and he's like,
"Well little lady, it seems like you've had a big night."
And I look down at my socks and my unicorn T-shirt,
and this ratty bear under my arm —
I didn't even make eye contact.
I just said, "Hi, Sir I'm on a business trip." (Laughter)
Thank you.
(Applause)