Today, I come to you bearing incredible news.
I have met God.
[On Screen] "I love you..."
The God of Cringe.
*dramatic music*
You think this is a joke.
You think I'm wearing this hazmat suit to be FUNNY? ['funny' echoes]
There are serious things at stake here. Okay?
I don't wear this for comedic effect; I wear it for my health.
And if you're going to watch this video, I suggest you get out your own hazmat.
Now walk with me, back in time, two and a half years ago.
We stumbled upon a video called "How To Kiss".
[On Screen] Hey guys, this a kissin' tutorial.
And it was the very first reaction video we ever made.
[On Screen] Oh baby... [Ethan] *gagging*
It was truly the weirdest, most disturbing, disgusting video I have ever seen.
That video left a mark on me that, frankly, I have never recovered from, and I have NEVER forgotten.
[On Screen] Suck...
[Harsh, clipping audio of "Suck.." repeated three times]
[loud audio ends] "Suck..."
Basically, the dude from this video emailed me recently,
and said, "Hey, I love the video you made about my first one. Can you please react to the rest of my channel?"
Which was a HUGE surprise to me, because I thought this guy was deleted off the internet.
I mean, after we reacted to "How to Kiss", the video was removed, and he completely disappeared.
I thought he fucking died probably, the way this guy gets around life. I mean, this shit is crazy dude.
*deep breath*
I'm pretty sure it's 200 degrees in this hazmat suit.
And it's 100 degrees in this room. I'm literally putting my life on the line to make this video for you guys right now.
Please appreciate it, please thumb up. I need you to like this video or I will die.
Let's get started.
*thunder clap*
[God of Cringe] Why are you crying sweetheart?
[God of Cringe] Show me why you're crying.
[Woman] No, please...
[God of Cringe] Please tell me.
[God of Cringe] You're just sitting on the steps all sad.
[Woman] Sorry...
[God of Cringe] Can I have a kiss? I'll make you feel better.
[Woman] Don't! Please...
[Ethan] Ooo! *wince* OOOOOOO!
"Why are you crying sweetheart? I'm caring, I just care about you and I hate to see someone upset."
And she's like, "Look, I appreciate your concern. I'm clearly not in the mood to communicate..."
"...I'm having a rough night. Thank you very much, just please give me some space; I've had a rough time."
"Can I have a kiss sweetheart? I'll make you FEEEEL better!"
[God of Cringe] Can I have a kiss? I'll make you feel better.
[Woman] Don't! Please...
[Ethan] *Yelling*
This girl, you can, like, see the moment here when he says that.
[God of Cringe] Can I have a kiss? I'll make you feel better.
[Woman] Don't! Please...
[Ethan] She thinks there are no good men left in the world; her boyfriend cheated on her, her dad left her mom.
There's no hope left for humanity.
And this guy comes walking along.
[God of Cringe] Mmkay.
She didn't- Guess she didn't want a kiss, y'know?
[Ethan] Yeah, I guess she didn't want a kiss dude!
Some drunk fucking idiot stumbling-- I love that he's got, like, Mardi Gras beads too, comin' up.
Like, that completed the gentleman look that made her definitely wanna give this sweet, sweet white knight a kiss.
Quick game for a quick kiss, Joel? *Kiss, Kiss*
[Chris] "...YOU can make out with girls on the street..."
[Ethan] So Joel is clearly not following the Invasion Method. otherwise he would've offered to play her Rock, Paper, Scissors for a quick kiss.
[God of Cringe] Well, no kiss. Mmkay.
Okay, alright.
[Ethan] Hila! I need your help, dude! I can't handle this by myself!
*Ethan Klein Gag™*
[God of Cringe] She didn't- Guess she didn't want a kiss, y'know?
*retching continues*
[Ethan] Hila, help!
*swagalicious Hila comes in*
[Hila] What?
[Ethan] Hey! You're in your suit already, dope.
[Hila] Yeah, I'm ready.
[Ethan] Man, you're gonna need it, this is fucked up, dude.
[Hila] I know, I'm ready.
[Ethan] You heard, you know who I'm tal--
It's the kissing guy.
[Hila] I know, and I'm ready.
[Ethan] This isn't a fucking game, dude.
Do you know what you're getting yourself into?
You assume the risk, Hila.
Like, if this goes sour, if this goes wrong, I'm not liable.
You agreed to the terms, 'cause if this goes bad I can't-
I don't anybody holding me-
This is serious.
[Hila] Okay.
Agreed.
[Ethan] You'll pound on it?
[explosion sound]
Together, we are strong.
We are powerful. We are the Cringe Hazmat Suit Brothers.
And we may have a heat stroke--
[Hila] Brothers? What?
[Ethan] I didn't say that.
We're the hazmat suit, uh...
Couple.
*Hila giggles*
[Ethan] It just sounded good, like brothers, like Mario Brothers.
[Hila] We're gonna talk about this later.
[Ethan] No, come on! You do-- okay.
This one's called "How to Replace Your Unsatisfactory Drink at Starbucks".
[God of Cringe] Um, ma'am I didn't like this; can I have a caramel frappucino instead please?
[Barista] Um, no *unintelligible*
[Other Barista] What happened?
[God of Cringe] Can I have a caramel frappucino instead please--
[Ethan] Like already the guy is filming himself being a smug asshole,
and he drank the whole drink.
Out of courtesy to these workers I'm gonna blur their faces even though he didn't
because, I feel like it's just so fucked up to include them in this shitfest.
[God of Cringe] Can I have a caramel frappucino instead please; I didn't like this one.
[Barista] This almost empty drink?
[God of Cringe] I didn't li--
[Barista] Is that what you're talking about?
[God of Cringe] Well I jus-- I didn't like it y'know?
[Ethan] This guy is one bad cappuccino away from shooting up a Starbucks.
[Ethan] Y'know what I mean? [Hila] Yeah. I can see that.
[Ethan] Not to mention that he looks like Martin Shkreli fucked his overweight sister and he's their child.
Like, to make matters worse.
This guy is channeling Martin Shkreli-- he may be the most hated man in America.
[Barista] You didn't like the other 22 ounces of it?
[Cringe God] mm-mm, no.
[Barista] So we need to make you a frappucino? [Cringe God] mm-hmm, yep!
[Barista] That's cute. Okay. [Cringe God] Please.
[Ethan] Dude, that woman is a hero by the way; give her a medal. [Hila] Yeah.
[Ethan] How do you endure this shit, dude?
[Ethan] Like, these people have a shitty enough job, dawg, you don't need to go harass them.
[Ethan] What, is it hot?
What, is it TOO HOT?!
[Cringe God] I didn't like it, y'know?
[Ethan] W-- w-- we got these things on for a reason, do you know how unsafe it is if we take these off?!
[Cringe God] Guess she didn't want a kiss y'know?
[Ethan] It doesn't matter that I'm on the verge of heatstroke, Hila! [Hila] Okay, I'll keep it on!
[Ethan] It's not safe to go without it!
...it is very hot though.
[Barista] Are you kidding?
[Cringe God] No.
[Barista] You're dead serious.
[Cringe God] Yeah, I'm serious.
[Barista] This drink right here -- you didn't like?
[Cringe God] I was unhappy with it--
[Ethan] Chubby Shkreli.
[Ethan] Chubby Shkreli! [Hila] Chubby Shkreli.
[Ethan] No, Chubby Shkreli, dude, that is not dope.
Also worth mentioning that he has a, uh...
Patreon. So if any of you guys wanted to go support Chubby Shkreli,
and uh, buy him a couple of Starbucks cappuccinos, uh, definitely, you know, don't do that.
[Barista] You need extra caramel drizzle on that, too? [Chubby Shkreli] Extra caramel drizzle, please.
[Ethan] Extra caramel jizzle?
[Hila] Jizzle.
[Ethan] Is that a thing?
"Extra jizz on my thing." Oh, I have a feeling this guy gets jizz in his food very frequently, if he acts like this.
[Hila] Do you think she spit in his drink?
[Ethan] I mean ... I hope she did.
I hope she jizzed in it.
[Chubby Shkreli] It's good customer service, that's what-- that's what it is.
*tense bongo music begins*
[Chubby Shkreli] Free drink, yaaay.
*tense bongo music continues*
*music ends*
[Ethan] The suit isn't protecting me, Hila, I can still feel the cringe!!
It's not enough protection, what more can I wear?!
[Hila] Here, take mine.
[Ethan] That's not enough!
[Chubby Shkreli] Thank you...
[Chubby Shkreli] What..?
[Barista] You could at least turn around and get it from me.
[Barista] Yeah, there you go.
[Chubby Shkreli] Thank you. [Barista] Have a great one.
[Chubby Shkreli] You too.
[Ethan[ Extra jizz in that one.You know there's extra jizz in that one!
[Hila] Yeah, I think there's extra jizz.
[Ethan] Man, if you guys ever see this guy at a restaurant remember to include the extra jizz for him.
You know he loves it.
[passionate love-making]
*opens cap*
*splat*
Shit.
[Hila] Oh my god, no!
What?
[Ethan moans]
[Hila] What?
[Ethan] I just--I'm speechless...it's like, there's nothing to say, dude.
There's nothing to say, you just want to escape.
*tense bongo music resumes*
[Ethan] I think I'm safe, guys.
[Ethan] So not only did he just scam them out of a drink and record them and treat them like shit,
but he just spilled the whole fucking thing right in front of the store.
Like "Thanks lady for the great customer service and not kicking me out and calling the police."
"Now I'm gonna reward you by spilling this in front of your store so you have to come clean it up."
*Ethan Klein Coughing™*
Guys, was I overselling this as the cringiest video? The cringiest guy on the Internet for real?
I don't think I was. It's like when the Fantastic 4 got too much radiation poisoning and then they became superheroes.
It was kind of like that, like I got an over-fatal dose of cringe.
And then it turned me into, like, a super cringe enduring monster.
Like, I can endure anything. I've never been affected like this before but this guy is pushing me to the limit.
I don't know how much more I can take it.
[Chubby Shkreli] I'm cold, it's freezing.
Aaaaaaah
It's a grande!
[Barista] Where are you going?
[Chbby Shkreli] It's the biggest one.
[Barista] *unintelligible yelling*
[Ethan] They're like, yelling at him?
[Hila] They are?! No way! [Ethan] You can hear them yelling at him from far away! The employee came out and was like:
"Yo fuck you, dude!"
[Ethan] He's like: "Hey fuck you dude, don't ever come back, man!"
"Guess what? I just jizzed on your face, bitch."
[Ethan] It's crazy. There's more, by the way.
I mean you could just pretty much pick out any video from this guy's channel and then just end it with your own suicide on camera.
Basically, killing yourself is the only appropriate reaction to one of his videos.
*sighs*
Look. Look, that's it! I can't do it any more, Hila. [Hila] I can't do it.
[Ethan] I can't fucking watch this shit; it's too much, dude. It's like, you know, a man has his limits--
we've been sitting here in a hazmat suit for like 2 hours-- I'm dying.
[Chubby Shkreli] Tell me why you're crying
*thunder and lightning*
Can I have a kiss, I'll make you feel better?
*loud thunderstorm*
Free drink, yay!
*thunder*
*thunder and glass breaking*
♫ Outro