If you're getting a divorce, there's a lot of things that you need to be aware of.
If you're getting a divorce with kids, there are some important things parents need to know.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins. I'm a clinical psychologist with almost 30 years of experience.
13 of those years were spent doing child custody evaluations for the court and I
learned some things that you really need to understand as a parent. Something, I became
very profoundly aware of when I was doing those child custody evaluations for the court is this:
Children's issues are not the parents' issues. And vice versa. The parents' issues aren't the
children's issues. It's easy for adults to forget about this when they're embroiled
in a conflict over child custody. And they're thinking about all of these different issues,
right? And the concerns, and the problems that they're facing. Well, that's not what's
on the kids' minds. It honestly isn't. I have interviewed thousands of children in my career.
And here's what kids are dealing with in a child custody dispute: Number 1, conflict of loyalties.
Children feel torn. I remember a story that Frank Abagnale told me when he was a guest on my podcast
Live On Purpose Radio. You might remember his story from the movie Catch Me If You Can.
As a young man, he was faced with a very difficult decision. When a judge asked him, "Which parent
do you want to live with? That's too much of a burden for children." And this represents what the
conflict of loyalties is all about for kids. It's kind of like asking you, "Which hand do you want
me to cut off? Your right or your left?" You might have a preference if you're right or left-handed.
And sometimes kids have a mild preference for either parent. But the thing is they need to
have an ongoing relationship with both. And that worries them when their parents split. They feel a
conflict of loyalties. Another hot issue for the kids, reconciliation fantasies. Now, that's the
cycle babel term for, "Gosh, I sure wish mom and dad would get back together." And they fantasize
about that. I have interviewed adults whose parents separated when they were children and they
still have reconciliation fantasies. Keep in mind that this is a really powerful issue for the kids.
Kids also struggle with a fear of abandonment. And it depends on their level of development, how they
tend to process this. But here's the reasoning: "Oh, mom and dad are divorcing. I wonder if
they're going to divorce me next." That sounds ridiculous to an adult. But kids' issues aren't
adults issues. And they're actually afraid of this happening. That'll give you some clues as to how
you can help them with it too. Before I move into the next step, if you can think of someone right
now who could really use this video, will you take a moment to share it with them? Thank you.
And while I'm talking about the kids issues, how about all the adjustments they get to go through?
They might have to move, change neighborhoods. They might now have two homes instead of one.
These are big adjustments for anyone to make. And your kids get to make these. You don't have
2 homes but your kids do. Here's a great example of a parents' issue that is not the child's issue:
Children are not... I underscore and repeat. Not marital property. I'm not an attorney, I'm not
a judge. I'm not making a legal statement here. I'm making a family relationship statement here.
People are not property. And children are not marital property that needs to be divided or
split or somehow shared. They are people. Will you please keep that in mind? This will change
how you approach a divorce where children are involved. I got called into the courts
as an expert witness to testify on behalf of those children and what was in their best interest.
That was messy work. Can you imagine? 2 angry divorcing parents can't figure out how to share
their kids? There's a story in the bible about Solomon who wanted to solve a dispute over a child
by chopping the child in half with a sword. He wasn't actually going to do this. But it
was a brilliant idea. Divide the kid in half. Give half to that mom and half to that mom.
In the story in the bible, the real mom said, "No. Don't do that. Let her have the child." To
save the child's life. I wish more parents in custody cases would be like that. Because the
children end up getting divided in so many ways. Children are not marital property. They're people.
When I was talking about the children's issues, I mentioned the conflict of loyalties that they
feel. Which comes because of the conflict between the parents. Dr. Elizabeth Ellis
compiled some of the research that's been done in the area of child custody, child visitation,
divorce, how it affects children. And she came up with 5 factors that determine the outcome of
divorce for children. The number 1 factor... And I got to tell you. There's not even a close second.
The number 1 factor is conflict. Specifically, conflict between the parents about the children.
You need to know this because as you get involved in a custody dispute or in the legal aspects of
the divorce. It's really easy to get caught up in other things that are less important especially
in light of the impact that it has on the children. Don't let those other things
interfere with paying attention to this. The best thing you can do for your children
is to minimize or manage or resolve the conflict between the parents. And if there are steps you
can take to reduce the conflict, that's going to have a favorable effect for your children. Be
aware of it. Some people choose divorce because it feels like I get to end this relationship. Okay,
newsflash. If you've got kids, you don't get to end this relationship. You have a permanent
relationship with the other parent. Now, the question becomes what kind of relationship do I
want to have with that other parent? Knowing that the number one factor that determines the outcome
of divorce for children is conflict. Specifically, conflict between the parents about the kids. You
might want to work on a peaceful relationship with that other parent. I know this is a tall order
and it's one of the hardest things that you can do because it goes contrary to the nature of divorce.
Your relationship will in fact, change. How it changes is up to you. And the type of
relationship you have is something that you can shape and steer. In the interest of your kids,
this is worth giving some thought too. I know this for sure. Having worked in the industry as
long as I have. Spent 13 years doing child custody evaluations for the court. The court is a terrible
place to solve family problems. Those of you who are involved know exactly what I'm talking about.
Think about it. The courts are set up in our legal system as an adversarial environment. There's this
side versus that side. It even says it in the court documents. So and so versus so and so.
It's a contest. Guess what? That doesn't work well in families. Unfortunately, it's the only place we
have to resolve domestic disputes, to settle custody issues, to get engaged in the family
law system. It's the only place we have. But what I'm saying is that's not the best place to solve
a family problem. So, we have to look beyond the courts to find the real solutions. In combination
with what I just said about you having a permanent relationship with the other parent, don't think
of your relationship as being that adversarial me versus them kind of a relationship. We need
to establish something that's going to be more workable and based on the principles that actually
support successful families. I was shooting pretty straight with you here today. I will
always do that for you. That is my commitment. If you haven't subscribed to the channel yet,
click that subscribe button. Become a permanent part of our family here at Live On Purpose TV.