-Our next guest is a very funny comedian
who you can see regularly at Joe's Pub and Club Cumming
here in New York as well as at
the Edinburgh Fringe Festival next month.
Tonight, she's here to perform a song from her cabaret act.
Please welcome to the show Catherine Cohen, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ Hello ♪
Oh, my God.
I have an amazing voice.
♪ When I was a little girl gazing out my window ♪
♪ Looking at the world ♪
♪ Wishing time would just go on and on and on ♪
♪ And take me to a new place ♪
♪ Where I'd sing a song and meet a fresh face ♪
Hey! ♪ How do we find our calling? ♪
♪ How do we know where we belong? ♪
♪ If we harbor enough resentment in our teens ♪
♪ We can write a catchy and funny song ♪
♪♪
Whoo!
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
♪ So now I do comedy ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
♪ So I need all of you to look at me ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪ ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Please, please ♪ ♪ Please ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oh, when I was a tweenage girl at the big school dance ♪
♪ I playfully grabbed Andrew's hat ♪
♪ And away I pranced ♪
♪ It was a flirty thing ♪
♪ I'd seen some of the skinny hot girls do ♪
But Andrew was just like, "Give me my hat back."
♪ I cried the whole way home ♪
♪ I thought stealing someone's hat was sexy ♪
♪ But now I sing in dimly lit bars ♪
♪ Andrew voted for Trump and has a car ♪
I don't have one.
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
♪ So now I do comedy ♪
I don't have a car.
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
♪ So I need all of you to look at me ♪
Seriously please.
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ Romper ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ Foot pop.
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Please, please ♪ ♪ Please ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
Oh, my God.
You look at me, you think, "Okay, she has it all."
[ Laughter ] And it's true -- I do.
I'm young. Oh.
I'm gorgeous. Ooh.
But just this morning, I had one sip of cold brew
and ruined my only butthole.
[ Laughter ]
That's right -- stars, they're just like us.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, the rumors are true. I'm single.
Okay. Jaws are on the floor at this point.
I went through a breakup recently.
Breakups are cool 'cause it's like you have a best friend,
and then they die. [ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ] But it's okay.
I didn't like having a boyfriend.
I feel like the kind of girls who are always like,
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend, my boyfriend,"
are the same kind of girls who are like,
"There's actually too much sugar in fruit."
[ Laughter ]
"So for me, it's a dessert." [ Laughter ]
But I'm getting back out there.
I'm in the mix. I'm dating.
I love sex, 'cause it famously has no consequences.
[ Laughter ]
I was hooking up with a guy recently,
and mid-moment, he goes, "Oh, yeah, I love that fat, fat ass."
And I was like, "Hmm. Maybe one 'fat' was enough."
[ Laughter ]
I do bravely want to be thin because of society.
Yeah, she went there.
She went there on late-night TV. You're obsessed.
You're obsessed. You're obsessed.
That guy who I hooked up with, I met him at a bar.
And he was like, "I live close to the bar.
I can bike us back to my place. You can ride on my pegs."
I was like, "Absolutely not."
He was like, "No, no, it's okay. It can hold 120 pounds."
I was like, "Okay. You don't know what math is.
You are my type." [ Giggles ]
[ Laughter ]
I just think it's, like, every chubby girl's nightmare to be,
like, carried in a playful way.
Like, I'm pretty sure when I was born,
the nurse, like, picked me up and handed me to my mom.
And I was like, "It's okay. You can put me down.
Sad. Help!"
♪ This is healthy ♪
♪ What I'm doing is healthy ♪
♪ This is a good way to work [bleep] out, yeah ♪
♪ For the record, I met boys who want to kiss ♪
♪ Some even want to put their [bleep] in my mouth ♪
♪ But it's never enough ♪
Help! Spin!
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
♪ So now I do comedy ♪
Lunge. Ow! Help.
♪ Boys never wanted to kiss me ♪
♪ So I need all of you to look at me ♪
♪ Please, please, please, please ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪ ♪ Oh ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ I'm shy.
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Please, please ♪ ♪ Please ♪
♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪ Big finish, okay?
♪ Look at me ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Catherine Cohen, everybody!