- Hey, everybody.
Today, we're gonna talk about how you're not perfect,
I'm not perfect, perfectionism, and how we can overcome it.
(funky instrumental music)
I wanna get into the habit of defining terms
before I talk to you about it at all.
And so let's first define what perfectionism really is,
and I'm reading from my notes as always.
And it says, perfectionism is a personal standard
to strain compulsively and unceasingly
towards unobtainable goals
and to measure their self-worth
by productivity and accomplishment.
And I think it's safe to say that
that kind of encompasses all that perfectionism is.
It's like we keep striving for more and more and more,
and we can never get there.
In a lotta ways, I think eating disorders
play into this perfectionism role,
but that's for another video.
Now there are many ways that
perfectionism can invade our life,
but the most common one that I see
is in black-and-white thinking
or all-or-nothing thinking,
meaning that we're either doing great
and everything is perfect
but if there's one little slipup, it's all lost.
So we'll go from all to nothing, black and white.
The next is being extremely critical of yourself or others,
and I truly think that these happen together.
If I'm extremely critical of myself,
that means I feel terrible,
and I'm gonna have a really hard time.
Therefore, when I look at someone else,
I'm gonna be critical of them,
honestly, just because I don't have
any good thoughts going on in my head.
Also, I always visualize this as that person
sitting to the side when you're painting or cleaning,
and they're like, uh, you missed a spot.
I feel like that's kind of what this is
when we're critical of someone else.
And another way that perfectionism can show itself
or another symptom that we may feel
is having unrealistic standards and goals,
meaning that the things that we expect
from people and ourselves, it's not obtainable.
It's unrealistic.
And that can lead us to feeling really bad
or like no one's ever good enough for us,
so we can feel very lonely.
It can make it really hard not only
on our relationship with ourself,
but on our relationship with other people.
Another symptom we may feel
is self-sabotage or procrastination.
I've struggled with this with a lotta my clients,
where it has to be perfect,
and every project at school or work
has to come out perfectly.
And so, because that's just too much pressure
on any normal person,
they'll put it off and put it off and almost sabotage it,
because then at the end they can say, well,
I didn't really try, so it wasn't my best effort.
And that's hard; that's hard for us to grow.
That's hard for us to do well in school and at work,
and so it can be really, really difficult.
And the last symptom I wanna talk about
is having low self-esteem or depression.
And you can kinda see how that would happen.
If we have all these things occurring,
where we're really critical of ourself and other people,
if we have a strain on our relationship
with ourself and other people,
and we procrastinate, and we self-sabotage,
if we have all this stuff going on,
of course we're gonna feel terrible about ourself.
We can feel really hopeless,
and so that's why I'm gonna help you better manage it.
The first way we can manage that drive for perfectionism
is to notice when it's happening.
How do you feel?
What is it that happens in your head?
What do you tell yourself?
What are things that you do, behaviors, around other people?
What are those signs and symptoms we need to look out for?
Because first, before we can even manage something,
we have to know when it's happening.
And you might even have some specific triggers
or certain people, certain scenarios
that make you want to do that.
Something that I notice is that two perfectionists
together are like their worst enemy.
It's like fire and gasoline, like, boom, boom, boom!
It's too much.
You can trigger each other into wanting to be perfect,
and by one trying harder, the other tries even harder,
and it just fuels one another.
And so, noticing that and noticing behaviors
in relationships can help us be more aware of our triggers
so that we aren't wanting to act out
of that perfectionistic thought so often.
And the second way we can better manage those urges,
and I know you're not gonna like this one,
but it's allow yourself to not complete things fully
or to leave them just not quite perfect.
Like, don't do that last little thing,
or maybe don't do the extra credit on that one assignment.
And I know this is gonna feel super uncomfortable,
but that's a good thing because then
we're gonna take how we feel,
and we're gonna talk about it in therapy,
to a trusted friend, or possibly just journal about it.
This is really, really helpful,
and this is something that I used to do
because I used to be a super clean-freak in college,
and I would purposely leave things a little messy,
as my therapist recommended,
and then consider the anxiety
that I might feel or what's going on,
and it really helped me understand where it was coming from
and realize that it wasn't really that important.
And I know that it may take you a while to get there,
but giving yourself the time to process it through
and know that it's okay for everything not to be perfect
will make you feel so much better in the end.
And the third way to better manage it,
and I knew you saw this one coming,
is to notice your self-talk and argue back when needed
because if we're struggling with this,
and it's all or nothing, black and white,
we know life's not perfect.
We know we can't control everything, right?
Therefore, most of the time,
things aren't gonna turn out perfectly,
and if that's all we're wanting,
that's all we're striving for,
that's how we feel good about ourselves?
We're gonna feel like shit a lot, right?
And so it's important to notice
when things don't go perfectly,
'cause most of the time they can't.
What do we say?
What's going on?
And then I want you to argue back
with a happy positive voice.
So if that voice is like, you're worthless,
you can never do anything,
I want you to argue back and say, no, I tried my best,
and that's all that I am capable of.
Everybody's only capable of doing their best,
and I'm really proud of it.
Whatever you can come up with,
I want you to argue back.
Don't let those negative voices or negative thoughts win.
And the fourth and final way
to better manage this is to delegate as needed.
And what that really means is let people help you.
Is someone else already running to the grocery store?
Let them help you and grab the things you need.
If you forgot to get that package
or do that thing, send somebody else.
If you're lucky enough to have employees,
have them help you and assist you with a project
or something that you're working on.
If you just need to run to the print shop,
have someone do that for you.
Recognize what you really have to do yourself
and what other people can help you with
and then separate those out and spread it over,
because that makes it more attainable.
It makes it easier for us,
and then we don't feel so overwhelmed
with the need to do everything ourselves
and everything perfectly, because,
like I said earlier, life's not perfect.
We can't expect that from ourselves.
That will only make us feel, honestly, pretty bad.
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Do you have any tips or tricks or things that you do
to better manage your urges for perfectionism?
Leave it in the comments.
Let us know.
I would love us to learn more together about this
because I think so many of us struggle,
and we don't even really know how to talk about it
or even that it might be a problem, so let us know.
Make sure you're subscribed
and have your notifications turned on,
and I will see you next time.
Bye.