- "Purple Rain,"
the movie, changed my life.
(audience laughs)
(percussive music)
- I'm tired of movie remakes.
Great segue, right?
Like, why are they remaking everything?
I already saw it. Truly.
Who was that new "Lion King" for?
(audience muttering, laughing)
What child saw the original "Lion King" and was like,
"I mean, I get that they're lions but, oh boy,
they were not realistic enough."
(audience laughing)
Who was it for? And then Beyoncé was Nala?
Who signed off on that?
(audience laughs)
Who thought that was a good idea?
"Simba, let's go to the watering hole."
(audience laughing, clapping)
Who thought that was a good idea?
And if you don't know
what Beyoncé's speaking voice sounds like,
tonight, when you go home, tuck yourself in,
pull up YouTube, watch a video, and you'll be like,
"hey, that was a pretty good impression."
(audience laughs, claps)
But my point is, Beyoncé is too powerful
to be a secondary character.
If you're remaking the "Lion King" with Beyoncé,
let Beyoncé be the lion king.
(audience cheers, claps)
But it is funny, "Simba."
(audience laughs) They also...
They also remade this movie, "What Women Want."
Do you guys remember that movie?
(audience cheers)
Okay, if you don't remember it,
it's a movie that starred Mel Gibson.
He could hear the...
- Woo. - Okay.
(audience laughs)
Woo for Mel Gibson?
(audience laughs)
Have you been in quarantine your whole life?
(audience laughs, claps)
Okay, so "What Women Want" is a movie
that starred Mel Gibson.
He could hear the thoughts of women
and he used that to treat them better.
And then Mel Gibson said, "this stays in the movie."
(audience laughs)
Got 'em. So then...
(audience laughs)
They remade the movie with Taraji P. Henson
and it's called "What Men Want."
And I was like, "huh, we already know...
(audience laughs)
what men want."
What is that movie? What is it?
Is it Taraji walking around having a nice day,
she sees a man, she waves, he waves back,
then she hears his thought
and all it is is, "I want you to guzzle my cum."
(audience laughs)
What is that movie?
Is it just an hour and a half of her being afraid?
What is it?
(audience laughs)
- My role models were the grandparents in that movie,
"Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
(audience laughs, claps)
I remember watching that movie
as a kid and seeing the scene with the grandparents
in bed and thinking, "I like these people."
(audience laughs)
I like what they're all about.
They were in bed full-time.
What if we did this 'til we died?
(audience laughs)
They weren't even watching television.
They were looking at the other grandparents.
(audience laughs)
"How's your bed?"
"It's good, it's good. It's the same as your bed."
(audience laughs)
They were so into bed.
They lived in poverty.
Their grandson got a golden ticket where
he could win an entire chocolate factory
and only one of the grandparents got out of bed.
(audience laughs)
The other three were like, "Hey, good luck Charlie.
(audience laughs)
You win the factory and make me a chocolate bed."
(Jim groans)
- The reason why I love Palm Springs is because
when I, hmm, how do I put this?
When I wanna practice self-care, all right,
when I want to get away from it all,
I like to imagine I'm a protagonist in a Nancy Meyers movie.
(audience laughs)
That is, that's about when I'm trying to feel good.
If you've never seen a Nancy Meyers joint,
like, "Something's Gotta Give," "It's Complicated,"
"The Holiday," whenever Diane Keaton is feeling frisky.
Okay? (audience laughs, cheers)
If you've never seen a Nancy Meyers joint
I will break it down for you very simply.
Okay? First, imagine I'm a white woman.
(audience laughs)
I'm in my fifties, I'm in my sixties,
I'm living in the hot flash. Okay?
I'm in a moment in time.
(audience laughs)
I'm in a moment in time.
My name is Margot with a T
(audience laughs)
and I'm wearing taupe.
I'm wearing cream. I'm wearing beige.
(audience laughs, cheers, claps)
Yeah, yeah yeah.
Eggshell, ecru.
(audience laughs)
And whatever I'm wearing is loose, but also fitted.
(audience laughs)
That's my vibe.
And at some point in the movie, I will be sitting
with my best friend drinking a California white wine.
(audience laughs)
And I'll say, "his new wife is how old?"
(audience laughs)
And that's every Nancy Meyers movie in a nutshell.
(audience claps, cheers)
Thank you.
- I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid.
I'm so excited that I get to live in New York.
I saw New York City in a movie when I was a kid.
It was called "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York."
(audience cheers, claps)
It is a sequel. (audience cheers, claps)
Yeah. How about that movie?
(audience laughs)
It was a sequel to the movie "Home Alone."
I remember in that movie,
oh, the kid in "Home Alone 2,"
he gets into a stretch limousine on 5th Avenue
with a large cheese pizza,
and, I thought, "this is the height of luxury."
(audience laughs)
Now I live in New York and I'm psyched,
but that is a stupid movie title.
Lost in New York? The streets are numbered.
(audience laughs)
How'd you get lost in New York?
I know it's kind of stupid to complain
about a movie that came out 17 years ago,
but I wasn't a comedian back then.
(audience laughs)
So I have to do it now.
I wish I'd been.
I wish I'd been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out.
(audience laughs) I would've torn it to pieces.
Be like, "you seen this, shit?"
(audience laughs)
"You seen this "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York," shit?
It's a grid system, motherfucker.
(audience laughs)
Where you at? 24th and 5th.
Where you want to go? 35th and 6th.
Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch.
(audience laughs)
That'd be my big joke.
(audience laughs, claps)
That'd be the closer.
- People make the dumbest decisions in horror movies.
I don't get it.
My favorite is when people just have to hide.
That's all they have to do.
They just have to hide and shut up.
(audience laughs)
For an hour and a half, they can't do it.
Like in that movie, "A Quiet Place."
Have you watched that?
One of my favorite movies of all time.
Yeah. The one with the aliens, they don't see anything.
They just use echolocation to figure out
where everyone is. (imitating alien sound)
(audience laughs)
(continues imitating alien sound)
(audience laughs)
It's always the people hiding in the shed,
just there, Like, (breathes frantically)
(audience laughs)
Sh.
(audience laughs)
(Trevor breathes frantically)
You just have to be quiet. You can just chill.
(audience laughs)
Just have to be there, chilling.
Be sitting there playing Xbox, quietly.
No, (breathes frantically) Sh. Sh.
There's always that baby. (imitates baby laughing) Sh.
And there'll always be the moment
where you can see the monster's given up.
You know, the moment where the monster's like
(imitates alien sounds)
(audience laughs)
and just as it's about to leave, just as it's about to go,
there's always one idiot, one idiot who jumps up, like,
"I can't take it anymore. Come get me."
Ah. Chop. Dead. You deserved it.
(audience laughs)
- Every TV show or movie it was kids going, "oh my God,
what am I gonna wear to the prom?"
(audience laughs)
And I'll be like, "wow, what is this prom
that they speak of?
(audience laughs)
It sounds amazing."
Every kid in America spends their entire school lives
worrying about the prom, it must be the best party ever.
(audience laughs)
I wanna go to America.
I wanna, I wanna go to the Prom.
I wanna be picked up in a limousine and given a corsage,
driven to the prom and we dance all night
and then we win King and Queen of the Prom.
Because in every movie, winning King
or the Queen of the Prom is just amazing.
Well, except in the movie "Carrie."
But in every other movie (audience laughs)
winning King and Queen of the Prom is amazing.
And then we, we leave the prom in triumph
and get in the limo and drive to make out point
and then fuck in the back of that limo.
(audience laughs)
'Cause every movie ended with the couple in the back
overlooking the city having sex.
And then the movie would end
before the Planned Parenthood scene.
(audience laughs)
- "Purple Rain,"
the movie, changed my life.
(audience laughs)
Remember that motorcycle he had?
Eight times too big for him.
(audience laughs)
Remember when he pulled up to Lake Minnetonka,
he's sitting on his bike,
with that black jumpsuit, that mane for a hairdo,
that shit around the mouth, whatever the hell that was.
(audience laughs)
His little boots.
(audience laughs)
Size 2 boots.
(audience laughs)
Apollonia... Apollonia was this guy's girlfriend's name.
Could you imagine meeting this couple at a party?
(audience laughs)
"Hey, how you doing? My name's Prince.
This is Apollonia. What's your name?"
(audience laughs)
You're like, "shit, I gotta go change it."
(audience laughs)
- I actually won a very prestigious award lately.
Hold for applause.
I won an award for leaving my home
without my phone for 42 minutes.
(audience laughs, claps)
Yeah, thank you, and no, that's not why I do it
(audience claps) and that's not why I do it.
When I did that, I had, what critics and fans alike
are calling, a lady-in-a-movie moment.
What's that? What's that?
What could that possibly be?
What is that?
So a lady-in-a-movie moment is when something happens
to you that might happen to a lady in a movie.
(audience laughs)
So, for example, if you check the mail with your little key,
lady-in-a-movie.
(audience laughs)
If you hold a baguette, if you're even near a baguette,
(audience laughs)
lady-in-a-movie,
and if you, say it with me,
run into your ex on the street,
that is, full blown hundy p,
lady-in-a-movie. - Lady-in-a-movie.
- Thank you.
(audience claps)
Oh, it feels good to be at home.
So I did, recently, like a cartoon,
have a lady-in-a-movie moment.
I ran into my ex on the street (chuckles)
and he was wearing a suit.
He looked incredible, which is, as we know, illegal.
(audience laughs)
And I was wearing... what's it called when you, like,
don't shave your legs for three months
and then you shave 'em really quick
and there's like blood everywhere?
(audience laughs)
So I was wearing that.
(audience laughs)
- I re watched the movie, "Sixth Sense."
And I'm not trying to do a "Sixth Sense" joke.
This is a 20 year old movie.
I also have to spoil it, but it's, I mean,
it's 20 years old, so,
(audience laughs)
if you don't know by now,
I don't know what to tell you. You know?
And, and don't be like, we were gonna watch it tonight.
(audience laughs)
We were gonna go to Blockbuster on the way home.
(audience laughs)
There's, but so he's, you know,
he's dead the whole time.
And, I don't know,
(audience laughs)
that's, if you haven't seen it, that's a
that's a pretty big part of it.
(audience laughs)
For those that have, think about when you watched it.
When we all saw this movie for the first time
none of us knew he was dead.
That was the biggest surprise we've ever seen
in our life, you know.
We just thought his wife wasn't talking to him
for, like, a year.
That made more sense to us (audience laughs)
than him possibly being dead. (audience laughs)
(audience laughs, claps)
And I was, like, when I watched it,
I was, like, what, do they show him dying?
Yeah, a guy shoots him with a gun.
That's how the movie starts.
And that's how obvious, they're, like, "Hey, he's dead."
And we still watched it for two hours,
just like, "I know what this guy's going through.
You know, this is...
(audience laughs)
This is a movie about marriage and how hard marriage is.
Yeah. Even if you get shot, it's your fault."
(audience laughs)
- We get to the movie theater.
I bought the tickets, right.
I bought the tickets 'cause it's 2018.
Gotta let him know bitches got money now and
(audience laughs)
gotta let him know.
I bought the tickets, but we get to the concession,
he's like, "I'll buy the popcorn, Mom."
I'm like, "okay, $30." You know.
(audience laughs) Okay.
He's never bought anything before, sure, you know.
But I said, "you know what, no, I don't need my own popcorn.
I'll just share with you."
He's like, "no, you get your own popcorn
and your own soda, Mom."
Okay, okay. $30.
So he steps up, he says,
"two large popcorns, two large drinks."
(audience groans) (Janelle laughs)
The woman says $28.
(audience laughs)
Now if I was a millennial, I'd be quick enough
with the phone to get the fucking picture of that face.
'Cause that face was more hilarious
than anything I've ever said in my whole...
the fucking shock.
I just wanted to Snapchat his little Adams apple.
Oh, that moment made him worth it.
You know what I mean?
Like, it was just,
(audience laughs)
oh, it was priceless.
It was priceless, man.
We get up in the theater, 20 minutes of previews. Right?
Ten minutes into the actual movie,
my son leans over to me, he says,
"you know, it's just syrup, right?"
Soda's just syrup and they add bubbles to it.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughs)
What's popcorn, really? It's just corn.
Like, he had been sitting there for 30 minutes,
like, having a fucking meltdown over this goddamn money.
Like, what is ice? Water.
Like, he's, like, fucking, losing his mind.
And that's what life is, man.
That's what life is.
(jazzy music)