THANK YOU!
WHAT A NICE GROUP!
>> Stephen: THEY ARE.
WE'VE BROUGHT IN A NICE AUDIENCE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
>> WOW, THANK YOU, FOR A CHANGE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I SAID, LET'S GET
A GOOD AUDIENCE FOR HER.
>> WOW, THANK YOU.
FINALLY. ABOUT TIME.
>> Stephen: HOW YOU?
I KNOW YOU'VE GOTTEN HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE.
CONGRATULATIONS, SINCE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON HERE YOU GOT
MARRIED. GOOD ON YA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR
DENY MY NUPTIALS.
>> Stephen: I CAN.
NO, I'M NOT SHARING THAT PART OF MY LIFE ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'LL SHARE IT.
I'LL SHARE IT.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THIS.
HERE, LOOK AT THAT.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ON THE BEACH SOMEWHERE --
>> WELL, OTHER THAN THAT, THOUGH, THERE'S NO PROOF --
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO OTHER PROOF THAN THIS, YOU GETTING
MARRIED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> OKAY, AT THIS POINT, I CAN
CONFIRM, YES, I DID JUST GET MARRIED.
THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE SPEND
THEIR LIVES GOING, I'M NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED.
OR I'M NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED UNTIL I MEET THE RIGHT
PERSON.
OR NEVER GETTING MARRIED, WHOOPS, WHO'S THIS GUY?
>> I WAS NEVER GOING TO GET MARRIED.
I WAS DRESSING AS A FORTUNE-TELLER.
I DID A BARBARA WALTERS INTERVIEW ONCE AND SHE SAID
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS.
I SAID MAYBE DIRECTING.
SHE SAID WHAT ABOUT A BABY, A HUSBAND?
I WAS, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
BUT THEN I MET THIS GUY AND I THOUGHT, I WANT TO PARTNER UP
WITH THIS GUY.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GO FOR YOUR HONEYMOON OR ARE YOU
TOO BUSY FOR THAT KIND OF THING?
>> NO, I'M NOT BUSY.
>> Stephen: I HAPPEN TO KNOW YOU, YOU ARE CONSTANTLY GRINDING
AROUND THE WORLD TO SELL PRODUCT.
>> SIR, I AM NOT CONSTANT WILL YOU GRINDING, AND YOU WATCH
YOURSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DO HAVE MY OWN TAINT TEAM.
>> Stephen: YOU DO?
YES.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE A GREAT, HARD-WORKING
BUNCH.
>> Stephen: I TRIED TO GET ONE AND CBS SAID, NOT IN THE BUDGET.
>> WELL, INTERNS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: COLLEGE CREDIT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I FORGET WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: TAINTS.
TAINT TEAM.
>> Stephen: YEAH, UH-HUH.
NO, HONEYMOON.
>> HONEYMOON.
OKAY, SO I HAD NOTHING GOING ON, HONESTLY, BECAUSE I WORKED SO
HARD AND THEN I GOT SICK SO NOW UM NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE.
THIS IS THE NEW ME.
WHEN I FOUND THAT NEW MOVIE WITH GOLDIE HAWN, I GOT SICK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THANK YOU, ONE PERSON.
>> Stephen: ONE ENDOCRINOLOGIST REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT YOU.
>> YEAH, SO HE'S A CHEF AND COOKING IN SONOMA AT SCRIBE
VINEYARDS, SO I FOLLOWED HIM THERE.
THEN HE WAS COOKING IN MILAN AND I HEARD THEY INVENTED PASTA AND
WINE, SO I JUST FOLLOWED HIM AROUND.
>> Stephen: YOU WENT TO ITALY FOR YOUR HONEYMOON?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY THE PASTA AND WINE BECAUSE SOME
PEOPLE DENY THEMSELVES.
WHAT KIND OF SICK -- ( LAUGHTER )
NO.
>> Stephen: JUST ASKING A QUESTION, SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T
DO CARBS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JON, COME HERE.
JUST HOLD ME.
>> Jon: I GOTCHA.
I GOTCHA.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
THANK YOU, JON.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A SERVICE HE PROVIDED.
THANK YOU, JON.
I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND, JON, YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS.
>> THANK YOU, JON.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DO THE PASTA AND THE WINE?
>> VERY MUCH SO, KIND OF ALMOST EVERY NIGHT.
ACTRESSES SAY I LOVE CHEESEBURGERS, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU
HAVE PASTA AND WINE.
>> Stephen: WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, BY THE
WAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WHAT?
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG WERE YOU GUYS ON YOUR HONEYMOON, A COUPLE
OF WEEKS?
>> I DON'T KNOW, TEN DAYS OR SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YEAH, NOT TOO LONG.
>> Stephen: I SEEM MORE INTERESTED IN YOUR HONEYMOON
STORIES THAN YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I HATE THOSE STORIES ON THESE
SHOWS. I SAW A DOLPHIN!
INTERESTING!
>> Stephen: NOT ONE PERSON EVER SAID THAT SENTENCE.
>> WE SWAM WITH THE DOLPHINS, HERE'S A PICTURE!
( LAUGHTER ) AS ALBRIGHT COMES OUT HERE WITH
A DOLPHIN PIC.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I THINK SHE HAS
HER OWN TAINT TEAM, TOO.
>> OH, YES, SHE DOES.
>> Stephen: YES, WITHOUT A DOUBT.
>> IS THIS INTERVIEW GOING TO AIR?
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S OUR FIRST DAY BACK.
SOMETIMES THEY GIVE ME A MULLIGAN.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: I WAS JUST OFF FOR A WEEK.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHED THE MONOLOGUE BUT I WAS OFF FOR A
WEEK.
>> GREAT MONOLOGUE.
>> Stephen: THANKS.
BACK AT CHA.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I UNPLUGGED MY PHONE.
DO YOU LIKE TO COMPLETELY LEAVE THE NEWS BEHIND AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH, BECAUSE I GET THE ALERTS, DO YOU GET ALERTS ON
YOUR PHONE?
>> Stephen: I GET THEM ON MY WATCH.
THAT'S THE CRAZY PART.
>> THEY'RE REALLY ANNOYING TO ME BECAUSE I THINK I'VE GOT A TEXT
AND THEN I'M, LIKE, NO, LONELY.
DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT, LIKE, EVER SINCE WE STARTED GETTING
THE ALERTS, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO JUST FROM THE ALERTS THEY THINK
THEY WORK ON THE FLOOR OF THE "TIMES."
THEY'RE, LIKE, TILLERSON'S OUT, GUYS!
LISTEN, SPOTLIGHT, YOU WORK AT PET CO-.
RELAX.
RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE THEY HAVE THE SCOOP?
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE.
MY FRIENDS DO WORK AT THE FLORIDA TIMES IS THE PROBLEM.
>> OH, YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE INTO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE
REAL SCOOP.
YOU GOT THE NEW MOVIE "I FEEL PRETTY."
>> YES ( CHEERING )
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: I HAVE SOME SENSE OF WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT.
WHAT HAPPENS?
>> I PLAY A GIRL NAMED RENEE AND SHE HAS REALLY LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
SHE FEELS REALLY BAD ABOUT HERSELF.
WHEN THE TRAILER CAME OUT, I GOT NICE BACKLASH WHEN THEY WERE
SAYING I WASN'T DISGUSTING IF YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT ROLE, AND
THANK YOU.
BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT AN UGLY MONSTER, SHE JUST HAS LOW
SELF-ESTEEM, AND SHE HITS HER HEAD IN A CYCLE CLASS AND ALL OF
A SUDDEN I SEE MYSELF AS A SUPERMODEL WHEN I LOOK IN THE
MIRROR AND I JUST AM READY FOR MY LIFE TO CHANGE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS CLIP?
>> IN THIS CLIP, I HAVE BEEN SUPER HOT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS
AND I'M KIND OF READY TO ACCEPT ALL LIFE WILL BRING.
IN THIS CLIP I'M IN A DRY-CLEANER AND THIS IS WHAT
HAPPENS. >> Stephen: OKAY, JIM.
JIM, ROLL THE CLIP.
WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?
( LAUGHTER ) >> SO THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS.
JUST LIKE THAT.
WOW. >> JUST LIKE THAT?
WHAT HAPPENS?
LIKE WHAT?
>> THAT IS VERY CLEVER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S CLEVER.
WHAT IS CLEVER?
I'M JUST ASKING WHAT THE NUMBER IS.
>> AND I GO, OH, 118.
AND THEN YOU'RE, LIKE, NO, YOUR PHONE NUMBER.
>> OH. YOU'RE GOOD.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HANGING ON TO THAT LITTLE NUGGET?
>> I HAVEN'T BEEN.
GO INTO A DRY-CLEANERS AND HIT ON PERFECT GIRLS?
ALL RIGHT.
GIVE ME YOUR PHONE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A NUMBER.
>> ARE YOU STILL TALKING -- CHICKENING OUT?
I'M NOT CHICKENING OUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen:.
A MOVIE CLIP.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY WHAT THAT WAS.
>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK THERE IS SUCH A THING AS HAVING TOO
MUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE?
DO YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING OR DO YOU THINK IT GETS TO ARROW
ARROGANCE? >> ARE YOU ASKING FOR YOU?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I THINK IT'S GREAT TO HAVE GREAT CONFIDENCE BUT THERE'S A
LEVEL.
I'VE HAD SELF-ESTEEM FOR A TIME AND SOMEBODY LETS YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A HUSBAND NOW.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU SEE EACH
OTHER AT YOUR WORST.
>> YEAH, AND THAT'S SO COOL BECAUSE THEY CAN'T LEAVE!
>> Stephen: DON'T PUSH IT.
( CHEERING ) SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: STAY -- STRONG.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WOW!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
OKAY.
STAY -- YOU.
>> Stephen: DON'T -- DON'T EVER CHANGE.
>> CHANGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> STEPHEN: "I FEEL PRETTY" IS IN THEATERS APRIL 20.
AMY SCHUMER, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.
ALL RIGHT?