Thank you. Thank you.
That is the exact right amount of applause.
You would not believe how many audiences get that wrong.
I will not disappoint. I am a feminist and a vegan.
So -- Yeah.
Yeah, so you know my sense of humor is top-shelf.
Any vegans...?
I don't believe none here. Maybe too tired to clap.
You have your lentils early in the day.
You know, you lose some steam.
I love it. I love being a vegan.
It's no animal or animal byproduct of any k--
I do eat eggs, because I'm also pro-choice.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I don't like people who are too extreme.
You know, "I'm a vegan, but I hunt."
[ Laughter ]
My friends are like, "Oh, my God. That's so hypocritical."
"But I don't eat any of it. I just leave it there.
I don't use any part of the animal.
So...still holding strong to my beliefs."
I'm a feminist.
Do we have any feminists here tonight, by applause?
[ Applause ]
Wow! A lot of single ladies.
[ Laughter ]
No, it's -- it's so hard if you're on a date to be like,
"Whoo! The future is female!
Are you still gonna pay for everything?
Is that deal still on the table?
I'm more of a feminist in the mornings
when nobody's trying to buy me anything."
Hey, ladies, maybe we should start paying
for our own dinner and drinks, you know, really let guys know
we're serious about this equality thing.
Really -- I'm just kidding around.
Why would we do that? No.
I think it's the responsibility of a man you just met online
to feed you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
He's got the option to kill you later,
so I feel like that's fair.
You put in all the risk. Get a nice meal out of it.
I love the whole #MeToo Movement.
I just think it's so -- I am lucky.
I've never had any sexual harassment happen.
I tried to start #MeNeither.
It's never caught on. You know, I had nobody join up.
[ Laughter ]
The greatest thing about being a woman is I'm a mom.
And I had a baby. I'll never forget it.
It was five or ten years ago.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Thank you.
When my daughter turned 10, I got her a phone.
And she's always on it. She just loves her phone.
I don't even know what she looks like without
a light in her face. I'll be honest with you.
The other day, she was reading a book.
I walked right by. I didn't know who she was.
I was like, "Who is that with the sepia tones?"
[ Laughter ]
It's so bad for your kids. They say it's digital heroin.
You know, when I heard that, I got scared.
I told my daughter -- I tweeted it to her --
I was like, "Hey, this has got to stop!"
And then she favorited it, and then we Snapchatted
back and forth about it a little bit.
I don't remember those conversations.
And we'll never have them back, but...
that is the nature of Snapchat.
Parenting is hard.
You have to teach your kids stuff that you just think
they should already instinctively know.
Like, the other day, my daughter and I are
going through the drive-thru at Dunkin' Donuts.
I go to her, "Hey, you want a doughnut?"
She goes, "Oh, I'm not really hungry right now."
I was like, "That's not how doughnuts work.
What, are you gonna wait until your stomach growls?
Nobody does that! This is America.
You eat until your heart gives out."
[ Cheers and applause ]
I punished my daughter a few weeks ago.
I took her phone away for three days
because she was being mean to Siri.
And the transformation in her was unbelievable.
Like, yes, the first day, she just laid on the floor crying,
but once she got over the shakes, she...
[ Laughter ]
She got up, she looked around,
she started liking things in real life.
She double-tapped the dog.
[ Laughter ]
She was like, "Mom, let's go to the park.
Mom, let's go to the library. Mom, let's play in the creek."
But I just gave her her phone back.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
So, I'm married,
and this is the sadder part of the show.
[ Laughter ]
I wish somebody had told me before I got married
how much yelling I would have to do on a daily basis.
It's really an incredible amount of --
If you're not married yet, start yelling at your boyfriend.
You've got to build those vocal cords up.
Because in marriage, there's no better way.
Like, at one point, I got so mad at my husband,
I gave him the silent treatment for a week.
At the end of it, he was like,
"We've been getting along pretty good lately."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you so much! Thank you.
♪♪♪♪
-That couldn't have gone any better. I love you.
Bonnie! Bonnie McFarlane!
Follow her on Twitter -- @BonnieMcFarlane.