- You doing okay over there?
- Yes, it's been a lovely evening.
I've just been thinking about how, someday,
days like this will be the good old days.
- So you're nostalgic for a moment
that isn't even over yet?
- And for moments that haven't even happened.
- Wow, our kids are gonna love this story.
- They do love it. I can see them now.
- (sniffing) I always cry on my first dates.
- Me too.
- Oh, sorry. I'm late.
I had a bunch of other stuff that I would rather be doing.
- Well, I wish you'd said something sooner
'cause I've been thinking about
canceling on this date all day.
- This doesn't make any sense.
Why don't we just go our separate ways?
- Can't argue with that.
- Good. - Great.
- Goodbye. - See ya.
Fricking weirdo.
- And so I told the guy,
if you're so concerned about climate change
then why don't you sell your beachfront property?
Hmm? Boom goes the dynamite.
- Well, if you considered that
no one would wanna buy a property
that was doomed to be submerged by the ocean,
unless they were a mermaid or something,
but of course those aren't real.
- Did you just challenge one of my fundamental axioms?
- Challenge?
I obliterated it.
- Well, hypothetically,
for the sake of the argument,
what are you doing next Saturday night?
Nay, what are you doing for the rest of your life?
- Stick around and find out.
- Thanks for the romantic evening.
I'd love to have dinner again.
- I had a good time too,
but I don't think my digestive system
can handle two consecutive dinners.
- You misunderstand me.
I'm merely saying that I would love to see you again.
- Oh, okay.
Well. in that case,
just close your eyes and open them again.
You'll find that I'm still standing here.
- You know, it really is your sense of humor
that sets you apart.
- I wasn't joking.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
- What was that all about? - What?
- You hugged the guy who seated us.
- Oh, he's just a friend of a friend
of my mom's coworker, Debbie.
- Oh, I'm sure.
- You hugged some random girl out on the sidewalk
on the way here.
- I told you I went to school with her.
- She didn't know who you were.
- I was heavier back then.
- This is ridiculous.
Both of us wrote on our dating profiles
that we don't like drama.
- Okay, everyone knows
that's just code for I love drama,
spill the tea, am I right?
- Yeah. It's true.
- All right, so why don't we hug it out?
- You mean like right now?
Across the table?
It's a little awkward.
- Yeah, well, just later.
- Oh girl.
I can tell you spent a lot of time
trying to look good tonight.
- Okay, dude, what do you think you're doing?
- It's called negging.
It's where I give you a bunch of backhanded compliments
and then psychologically something happens
and you have no choice but to fall in love with me.
- Yeah, I know what negging is,
I do it all the time.
But it's cute to see you try.
- Wait a second.
What is this I feel?
My attraction towards you is growing.
Oh, negging!
- I can't believe we didn't make time for this sooner.
- Well, you know, it's tough.
'Cause I'm always either working or traveling for work.
- And I'm always either working or sitting in court
due to a hostile workplace lawsuit.
- Yeah, so anyway,
I'll see you again in like 10 years.
- It's a second date.
- Looking forward to it.
- Yo, I'm getting some food from the bar.
Do you want anything?
- I can't hear a thing you're saying,
which is probably a good thing
because you seem annoying.
But at least you've got pretty eyes.
- What did you say?
You said you want pretzel bites?
- You're lucky that the only language I need from you
is body language.
- You call that a dance?
I'm about to moonwalk all the way from here to the bar.
- Your profile said you're into indie music.
Do you listen to the Unspeakable Felines?
- Oh, is that one of those bands
that's pretending to be interesting,
but they're really just making formulaic pop music
and then like throwing a banjo in it or something?
- Wow. Rude.
I bet you listen to stuff like Taylor Swift.
- No way.
My favorite band is Death Crunch, all right?
I bet you listen to stuff like Harry styles.
- No way!
More like Harry needs a stylist.
Boom!
- I like Harry styles.
- Oh, really?
- No, of course not.
Are you crazy?
- I gotta be honest,
this date was not very good.
- No, it was not.
- The food was terrible.
- Our server, Timmy?
- He was an idiot. - I hate that guy.
- And you and I, we're just so different.
- You're right. It would never work.
- No way.
- I'm really laid back and you're kind of uptight.
- I'm uptight?
You're the uptight one.
- Excuse me?
- I am so low key and easy going.
- You were here 45 minutes early.
- You know how you know that?
You were here 45 minutes early too, Sherlock.
(crickets)
- So, level with me,
do you not like the way I look or something?
'Cause when we were chatting online
the conversation was flowing.
- Oh no, no, no.
There's nothing wrong with you.
I am just trying to create an open,
receptive space of empathy
so that you can share your soul with me.
- Oh good, good.
I was doing the same.
- So, tell me more about yourself.
- Yeah. This isn't gonna work.
- It's really weird, right?
- So weird.
- Let's cut right to the chase.
What's your five year plan?
- Well, my 10 year plan is to create my startup,
become a billionaire
and be the first person to get married on Mars.
- A 10 year plan?
That's the most attractive thing I've ever heard.
Unfortunately, your plan does not mesh with my plan
and so I must prematurely end the date.
- Excellent.
That is really the best move for both of us.
Better luck next time.
- Are you having a good time?
- Yes, if you are?
- I am if you are.
- Okay, well, are you?
- I asked the question first.
- But how am I supposed to know
if I don't know if you're having a good time?
- Because I don't know if I'm having a good time.
- One of us is gonna have to start having a good time
and it's not gonna be me.
- So what you're saying is you want me to have a good time?
- If that will make you happy.
- This is a literal nightmare.
- It's so nice to sit down and have like a normal meal.
I usually forget to eat dinner
and end up eating uncooked spaghetti
in my kitchen at 3:00 AM.
- That reminds me of this time at 3:00 AM
where I got an idea for a clown themed funeral home.
- Putting the fun and funeral,
where do you come up with so many great ideas?
It makes me think about-
- That reminds me of this one idea I had back in-
- Wait, did you just interrupt me?
Do you know that reminds me of that movie, Girl Interrupted.
It is so deep. Have you seen it?
- I was nervous about coming here tonight
because I thought you'd be just one more person
judging me for my so-called controversial hot takes.
- I get that.
Dating can be hard when you're the only person in the room
who has understood and transcended all human bias.
- The problem is, if we're not bickering,
what are we supposed to do?
I mean, would it be rude if we just looked at
memes for the rest of the date?
- Yeah, I've been sneaking glances
under the table this whole time.
- Me too.
- Oh, they got nice straws here.
- Mm hm.
- (inside voice) Why the heck did I say that?
Why are words so difficult?
If only people could communicate telepathically
with all these human imperfections smoothed out.
- (inside voice) Hey, don't worry about it.
I knew what you meant.
These are nice straws.
- (inside voice) Wait a second.
Are you seriously picking up
what I'm putting down over here?
Or is this all just some extended fantasy
that I'm using to self soothe in a moment of anxiety?
- Hey, are you doing okay over there?
You've been zoning out ever since our waiter
brought us our water.
Nice straws though.
- Yeah, they're nice.
- Oh wow!
I have a lot of 16 personalities
comedy sketches on this channel.
You don't believe me?
Well, why don't you watch some more?
Watch this one here, you'll love it.
See you next week.
Until then, stay cool and attractive.