Do you remember a more peaceful time when our lives weren't constantly infiltrated with
brands, products and unhealthy promotions?
Me either.
I'm sat here, listening to my Nescafe clock radio, smoking a Terminator 2 cigarette, which
I lit with a Lucky Strike Lighter, about to neck a shot from an Alien shot glass... and
it all came out of a Chupa Chupps holdall.
Promotional items have been with us since the dawn of capitalism, especially in the
form of things which are dubious for our health, so when I got hold of a mouse filled with
antidepressants I was hardly surprised.
Actually that's a lie, I was quite surprised, and that's because over in the UK, having
profit tied up with our medication feels in poor taste, that's why *ahem* certain governments
are doing it behind the scenes, but that's a story for another day, and indeed another
channel.
But across the Atlantic, that's exactly what we have here.
This is a promotional mouse, filled with plastic representations of an anti-depressant.
Presumably so the instant you look away from the distractions of your screen, and remember
how horribly depressed you are, you are instantly reminded that you can always buy a batch of
Paxil CR Paroxetine and get back on track.
What a world we live in.
But it turns out, in the 90s and 00s, hospitals and surgeries, particularly in North America
were rife with promotional items of this nature; clipboards, clocks, clothing, so as the PC
became more and more essential to the clinical process, it wasn't long before the humble
Mouse was subpoenaed for this task.
Of course, here, the customer was medical practitioners, and what better way to get
them to prescribe Paxil CR, than have it plastered over every free item that could be chucked
at them by drug reps.
Anyone who's heard of Oxycontin's marketing strategies, including sensational listening
like this Swing is Alive album, will know the inherent problems with that.
Honestly, did this really work?
Were people wooed by a crappy CD with the tagline "Swing in the right direction with
OxyContin" But apparently, a 2006 study by the Journal
of the American Medical Association, indicated that even cheap gifts can influence doctors
- and even reach their children...
christ - and so in 2008 the pharmaceutical industry agreed to a moratorium on these items.
Of course that didn't stop the problem and there were loopholes allowing educational
gifts and less tangible items like paid for meals.
BUT this is NOT a video about the drug industry, because outside of pharmaceuticals, there's
a much bigger world of promotion, but since the 90s, they've all had one thing in common...
yep... the computer mouse.
We can really categorise these fiendish promotional navigational devices into two categories.
The first, are these oil and water filled devices.
These things are all much of a muchness, and have been around since the 90s.
Indeed, you can still buy them today should you wish to woo your customers at a convention,
or just by offering them a free mouse if they buy a new Volkswagen.
Certainly takes the bite out of spending £30k on a new Passat, right?
You'll find these mice in boxes like this.
Aqua(TM).
This is actually a newer variety, as it's USB: For windows 98/2000/ME/XP or MAC!.. and
appears to be made by Liquid Star, as you can see under the warning label.
Along with the mouse we get a USER MANUSL, Manuslll?...
Which tells us the Scroll mouse can bring you the most comfort and increase your work
efficency as Will.
Presumably if you're not Will then it won't.
Some generic software here... and the mouse itself...
Let's talk about Volkswagon.
Perhaps let's talk about Volkswagon's crappy promotional products.
I wouldn't mind if it was a quality item, but they're not even that ergonomic, unless
you have the hands of a 7 year old.
That being said, they're quite endearing.
Look at that little VW badge floating about.
Maybe VW isn't the best example, but there's something quite mesmerising about seeing a
Fab lolly float about on your desk, or a Fedex van, a plane, or even some blood cells?
What the crap?
Oh, ok, we're back on the pharmaceuticals again.
That didn't take long did it?
Most of these Mice are PS/2, some are USB, but they are all of the roller ball variety.
Which means digging those mouse cleaning skills out from the back of your mind....easy does
it.
By the way, if you've got a USB mouse, and you need to plug it into an old computer,
these converters are handy, but depending on the mouse and motherboard, they won't always
work.
Success was quite low with my Compaq Prolinear, so you might need to mix things up a bit,
or try a dedicated active converter.
Interestingly some seem much better built than others, with much
more satisfying scroll and click... and this one from Rossiya Airlines is a mini version...
which actually feels quite nice in the hand, although it does require some extensive finger
arching to use the buttons.
But I'm getting carried away... let's move onto the second category of promotional mice.
The BIG Tomale...
The bespoke category.
A category where the ergonomics of each and every mouse are utterly & completely compromised
in order to have some crappy call back to a brand..... and let's begin with another
drug related product, because of course we are.
This is a Viagra Nascar Mouse.
Created around 2001, when Viagra had a racing team sponsoring drivers like Mark Martin.
But look at the actual state of that.
Can you imagine using this for any reasonable length of time?
If there's anything that's going to cause RSI, THIS is surely it.
We also get some software.
Excitingly named "Mouse setup disk"... can't wait to get stuck into that one.
Another roller ball, and a PS2 connection.
Let's see how it performs in the field....
Yeah, not great.
But
not as terrible as I expected.
But that's not as wild as this ride gets.
Oh no.
How about an actual coffee jar (I swear to god, these people are unhinged).
Because that's where Nescafe decided to go.
Yup, at around the same time as Ian Wright was running out of petrol, and dropping into
a strangers house for a cup, others were furiously shaking a load of plastic coffee around, whilst
questioning whether the ergonomics of a literal jar were appropriate for sliding around their
desk all day.
This one is optical and USB, so a bit more modern than the others.
and don't worry, I was as interested in that dried coffee as you are.
Handily there's a filling hole on the back that can be unscrewed, and the granules poured
out.
Mmmmm, grains.
Yup, it doesn't dissolve, it is literally just plastic chips.
Disappointing, but then if it was real coffee, it would just suck up moisture and turn into
a congealed mess within the mouse.
Which is arguably, worse.
In the wild though, this is an absolute horror show to use.
The buttons feel like pressing fake nails into
playdough and the shape feels like holding a particularly hefty solidified dog turd.
Would not recommend.
But do you know what goes well with dog turds...
I mean coffee.
Do you know what goes well with coffee?
Yep, Chocolate.
Don't get turds and chocolate mixed up, whatever you do.
Hence the M&Ms PC Mouse... featuring BLUE.
Ooo, it's even got a best before date... 4th May 2002, because that's how we do dates around
here.
I guess that's for the 125g packet of M&MS included, rather than the actual mouse.
Sadly, that packet is long gone.
But the PS/2 mouse is here.
Looking fresh.
Let's try
it out.....
Interestingly American versions of this mouse, also got a neat little screensaver to go along
with it.
I guess UK screens weren't worth saving.
Aero is up next.
Here we've got a notepad, a finger mouse, a mouse mat, and an actual mouse.
Shrouded in brown velvet, and with the mouse cord coming out of his arse.
Like an actual mouse.....
Honestly this thing is a fuzzy fuck, It feels like a cat that's been shaved, and it's hair
has grown back a few days.
Not a euphemism......
Still, at least they could have a break if they wanted.
Yep, a KitKat mouse, it's oval.
It's not great...
beside from the fact that the shape is
horrendous to hold.
This one is bit borked, and the cursor always want to move to the top of the screen.
Cleaning didn't help, and I haven't got the inclination to attempt any advanced maintenance.
So how about the MouseDriver...
Just Drive it!
MmmmmmmHmmmmm.
OK.
Here we've got a nice presentation box, pointing to a website that does actually still exist.
We'll come back to that in a second.
But yes, you guessed it.
This is a mouse in the shape of a Driving wedge.
It's a hefty lump, and this particular one has Nevada Jobs Golf printed across it.
Interestingly the website listed is a .co.uk address, which links back to a golf chain
which operated in the early 00's.
Cool.
I imagine the main customer for these were actual golf shops, or clubs giving them away
to members, maybe as a sign up gift or something.
Maybe even as a prize for getting a hole in one.
Where-ever your imagination takes you.
As for the mouse design itself, well, as the website says, that's got an entire backstory
of its own.... apparently a collaboration between Kyle Harrison and Ed McClung, this
"perfect gift" drove revenues of over $1million.
How the heck it did that is worth a video in itself.
A video that I won't be making.
Just check out the website for yourself.
I'm more interested in seeing how these mice perform.
Yeah, it's crap.
Next.
Which brings us on this, velvet box, and an incredibly bling mouse created by none other
than Wallace Silversmiths.
Honestly, if you're stuck on ideas for your anniversary, you can't go wrong with an engraved
mouse.
Saying that.
Presumably, it did go very wrong for LBN's partner, hence why I was able to buy this
off eBay for ten quid.
Apart from the silver plating, this is a much more conventional beast underneath, and therefore
makes for a much better mouse.
The one thing I would note, is the silver plating draws heat away from your hand rapidly,
and therefore it feels incredibly cold to touch.
Not one you want to use in winter.
Actually, it feels like the perfect mouse to use with a fast paced Shmup!
Which makes me think about a new game called Sol Cresta......
Big thank you PlatinumGames & Sol Cresta for sponsoring this video.
This is one I'm really excited about because Sol Cresta is such a good game.
Released on Steam, PS4 and Switch on the 22nd February, here we've got the first of the
NEO-Classic Arcade series.
A free form docking and shooting experience, which has so many nostalgic elements that
I can barely keep track.
Pilot the Yamato, comprised of three smaller ships.
Change your attack patterns, and arrange formations to create the most formidable attack strategy.
There's Caravan Mode, online leaderboards and also a vertical display mode for those
who yearn for that arcade experience of the 90s.
This really is one to check out, and you can use the link in the description to grab your
copy today.
Anyway, apparently if you've got $50.50, that's another mouse you might still be able to purchase
today!
Now.
This is a BOSS DS-1 Distortion Pedal.
This is it off.
This is it on.
This is a BOSS DS-1 Mouse.
This is it off.
This is it on.
Yep, at some point in the 00's, Roland Corporation decided to make their BOSS guitar pedal into
a mouse.
Why?
I have no idea.
But I imagine that some employee had a pedal sitting on their desk, and went, oh, that
looks kinda like a mouse, and so we have this.
They actually do a variety of them based on various pedals.
It's an optical mouse, it's USB... and it's wobbly as hell.
Well the buttons are anyway.
What in the world is going on with that.
It's kinda neat that the scroll wheel is on the left hand side, but there's nothing ergonomic
about this setup whatsoever.
Clever idea... but yet, such a terrible idea as well.
So that's promotional novelty mice from the 90s and 00s.
What a time to be alive.
I'm just thankful that I stuck to decent ergonomic mice, and therefore still have full use of
my hands.
It's crazy that some of these devices are still available to be honest.
I mean, who, WHO would use them?
Anyway, I've got nothing else.
That's it.
Until next time, I've been Nostalgia Nerd.
Toodleoo.