(smooth jazzy music)
- Hey, everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today's question is, "Kati, have you talked
"about clients dodging questions before,
"or having trouble answering questions,
"for example, they give an explanation
"to a yes or no question
"that doesn't really provide an answer to the question?
"My therapist pointed something similar
"out to me this week."
I really like this question, because dodging questions
is so common in therapy.
If I got paid a dollar every time someone did this,
I'd have been able to retire already.
But in all honesty, there is really a lot more to this
than you would think.
So let's just really get into it.
Now first, dodging questions may be something
that we have done our whole lives.
I want you to think about this,
because we might have done it
in order to stay safe and okay.
This could have been by lying in order
to not be abused or mistreated by a parent
or even by sidestepping questions
that could make a parent or friend mad.
We can distract them with something else
like, "Oh, I know this."
Like, I was just recently listening to a podcast.
I love it, it's called Imagined Life, it's by Wondery.
And it was a story about a person,
and the person ended up being Drew Barrymore,
sorry, spoilers, but she was telling this story
about how when she was a kid, her mom would quiz her
before, if you don't know, Drew Barrymore started acting
at a very, very young age, and so her mom would quiz her
for her lines and pop culture things she should know.
And if she didn't know the answer,
she would distract her mom by saying, "Oh, did I tell you?
"I got, like, a A on my algebra test."
Or, "I learned all my multiplication tables."
and so she would distract her with other things
so that she wouldn't get in trouble
and her mom wouldn't get mad, and she could still
go on that audition and do that thing.
And so there's a lot of times where we do this
as kind of like a coping skill
so that we don't have to fight with our parents
or get in trouble with someone else.
And so know that it's kind of a very normal
and regularly used defense mechanism.
And also, it's just very normal to dodge questions
that are difficult or uncomfortable.
Like I said, it's like a defense mechanism.
And I say all of this so that you know it's not bad
that you do this.
It's actually perfectly normal and part
of what I would call self-preservation.
And if you're curious about defense mechanisms,
I have a whole video about it.
And if you wanna check that out, I will link it
in the description.
Now I have patients change the subject,
try to ask about me and my life,
give me information or share a story
that has nothing to do with what we're working on.
Sometimes, it honestly doesn't even have anything
to do with them.
And overall, they'll just try to avoid talking
about real issues in therapy.
And that's really normal.
That makes sense, right?
Therapy's really hard.
Sometimes a therapist comes in and starts asking us
about stuff we've told anyone before.
Ooh, I don't know.
I'm not comfortable.
We'll do anything to get out of it.
And so without even realizing it,
we might just be engaging in this defense mechanism
just so that we don't have to talk
about uncomfortable things, cry, feel overwhelmed,
maybe dissociate or have a panic attack.
It's really, really common and normal.
And honestly, overcoming these defenses
is a lot of the work that I do every day with my patients.
It could be, I could do this by trying
to ask a question in a different way
or starting with something more recent
that isn't as emotionally charged.
It could even be taking a step back
and building up resources first.
If you don't know what resources are,
when we do trauma work, specifically,
you can use resources in your whole life,
in all types of therapy, but specific to trauma
we talk about how we have to build up resources
to help us keep ourselves grounded and present
while we work through the shitty stuff.
And so we have to build up those resources,
like friends, family, journaling, impulse logs,
coloring, going for a walk.
It's all these tools and coping skills
that we can access when we need to, okay?
And honestly, it's really not very common,
now that I've said all of that,
just know that it's not very common
that I have a patient come into my office
and be so open and honest and have no issue talking
about anything I ask.
That pretty much never happens, okay?
So just know that.
But remember, also, that defense mechanisms
and self-preservation techniques,
even though they happen a lot in therapy,
don't really have a place in therapy.
And just hear me out, because, yes,
I know they do give us information about our triggers,
and then we can share that information with our therapist.
But the goal of therapy is actually to push through those
as much as we can and open up, which, trust me,
I know, I'm in therapy too, I know it's really, really hard.
But it's really the core of therapy,
because our therapist can't really help us
or offer any helpful tools
if they don't really know what's going on
or what really happened to us, right?
How could they even know where to start?
We don't.
And so with all of that in mind,
how do we push past these and open up more easily,
'cause that's really the question, right?
And here are some of my tips.
First, and you knew this one was coming,
and I'm sorry, but I'm not really sorry,
try to write out what you're feeling, thinking,
or want to talk about in therapy.
This not only helps us get used to thinking about it
and putting words to it, but it also gives us something
we could read in therapy, give to our therapist,
or possibly even email to them if they allow that.
Check with them first.
But it can be a great way to share something
that maybe we couldn't do otherwise,
'cause it could just be too difficult, right?
And on that note I do have a journal prompt club.
I don't know if you guys have heard about this,
but I open it up through YouTube memberships,
and you can find a link to join in the description below.
I post journal prompts on Tuesdays and on Fridays.
So if you struggle to even know what to write about,
it's a great way to maybe get the journaling going.
Okay, now next, try talking about the difficulty opening up,
not the actual thing itself.
This is something I do a lot of times with my patients,
because let's say it's really hard to talk
about a certain time in our life
or maybe a difficult relationship that we had.
Instead of focusing on that and trying to push through
and just keep talking, how about instead we shift our focus
to what we're feeling?
Is it maybe I feel a little anxious?
Or maybe I feel like crying, and I just don't like to cry
in front of people.
How about I talk about that?
I just don't like to cry.
I've never really gotten comfortable with it.
So talking to our therapist about the struggle we're having
can help them maybe know or realize
that we dissociate or have crippling anxiety
or panic attacks.
And then they can shift their work
towards building up resources for us.
And it's kind of just a sneaky way to get in there,
because it can be really hard to keep pushing through
when that thing that we're trying to talk about
maybe we don't have words to put to it.
I don't even really know how I feel.
And, whoop, maybe we dissociate
or maybe we have a panic attack
or maybe we just start crying
and we just wanna leave the session.
We're shut down, it's too much.
So just explaining that you have a tough time
and maybe getting into why you think that is
or just talking about that in general,
can often allow your therapist
to offer different tools and techniques
that might be helpful and, in the future,
help you push past that so you can talk about the thing
that's been so difficult.
Next, self-talk, and I know, I talk about this a lot
when it comes to our confidence and recovery
and all sorts of stuff like that.
But we may have to use this to help us trust our therapist.
I hear from a lot of you
that that part is really, really hard, and I get it.
And so this could be a mantra that we say,
like, "They got in this to help people.
"Therapists are there to help people."
Or, "If I don't trust them, therapy's not gonna
"be able to help me."
Whatever we need to do to help us feel comfortable and safe
when we're sharing things with our therapist, let's do it.
Because I know it's odd to tell a stranger things
that maybe you haven't told anyone else.
But if we don't do that, therapy won't be able
to help us as much.
So notice, take time to notice what you tell yourself
about therapy, what you say to yourself
about sharing with your therapist,
and even what you say to yourself about the process.
Be patient and kind and compassionate towards yourself
as you work on it.
Therapy's hard, and we're not gonna make it any easier
if we just shit-talk ourselves all the time
about us having such a tough time,
and it shouldn't be this hard.
It's only gonna make it worse.
So just notice that conversation
and make sure it's one of kindness, compassion,
and patience for your process, because therapy's hard,
and we just have to do the best that we can.
Okay, and my final tip, set your own goals.
Now, I know this tip may seem just a little odd,
but it can really, really help to figure out
what we want to get out of therapy,
since not all therapists work with treatment plans.
I personally think that they all should,
but it's not required, so move on, Kati.
But you may, if they don't do that,
you may have to set some goals for yourself
and your own therapy process.
Do we want to work on our anxiety,
maybe our relationship with that one friend?
Maybe we're reminded of a trauma we never processed,
and we want to finally work through it.
Whatever it is, take some time to set these goals
and then work backwards from them.
What would have to happen to get you to that goal.
We could even bring these goals with us to therapy
and have our therapist help us figure out the smaller steps
we need to take.
Sometimes knowing what we're working towards
can help keep us motivated instead of feeling
like we're just going to therapy,
and nothing's getting better.
Trust me, we've all been there.
But it is so worth it.
So maybe this can help, 'cause sometimes it,
I don't know why, but sometimes it's like a sneaky trick
of mine that when we think more logistically
and organizationally, which goals does,
it gets us out of our emotion mind
and sometimes allows us to talk about things
that we maybe weren't able to,
or at least let our therapist what where we're hope,
like, let them know where we're hoping we'll go
so that they can help us work to that.
I hope that makes sense.
Oh, and of course, and I just have to say this,
make sure you at least like your therapist,
feel like they get you and are on your side.
And I know that all should go without saying,
but I just wanted to make sure
that we are seeing someone we connect with
before we worry about opening up.
We wanna make sure that they're worth us
putting in all this work,
and they're actually meeting us where we're at
and challenging us.
So I have videos about how to know
if you're seeing a good or bad therapist.
You can check those out if you have concerns or questions.
But just make sure you like them.
Make sure they're on your side.
Because we know, above all the research,
that your therapist can be super, super educated
and have all these credentials
and have helped all these people,
but if we don't have a connection with them,
if the therapeutic relationship is lacking,
we won't be able to get any work done.
So just keep that in mind.
And as always, let me know any other tips or tricks
that have worked for you.
Share those in the comments down below.
Thanks for watching, and I will see you next time, bye.
(smooth jazzy music)