Repentance is more than just a decision to forgo the transgression of some moral law
or code of conduct.
It is a movement, a turning away from sin and death and a turning toward life and communion
with God and others.
It is cooperation with God’s grace whereby we recognize our own fallen nature and dependence
upon Him.
Such repentance, such turning away from self-sufficiency,
tears down the barrier that separates us from
God and helps us to reconnect with our Creator who through His love and grace can transform
our very mode of existence.
Throughout the year, the Church holds before us examples of such repentance and transformation,
such as during Great Lent, when we are reminded of the life of St. Mary of Egypt, an enduring
example of repentance and a reflection upon the radical change that can occur in a human
being through the grace, love, and forgiveness of Jesus Christ.
A young woman is harshly shoved and knocked around.
She pushes back, making her way through the crowd.
Just then, she sees a large group preparing
to go on pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the Exaltation
of the Holy Cross of Christ.
She sensed ample opportunity to satisfy her lustful appetite.
Her pursuit of men had begun at the age of twelve, when she ran away from her parent’s
humble village and went to live in the big city.
What early patterns, what complexes drove her thirst for pleasure are unknown, but after
seventeen years of prolonged habit it had become unquenchable.
With no money for passage, Mary offered her body as payment.
For although she never accepted money from the men she slept with, so as to not reduce
her appeal to them nor reduce her own pleasure, she well knew the weakness of the flesh and
could count on even outwardly pious men to succumb to her entreaties.
Mary spent the entire journey seducing and enticing others for her own amusement.
And when they reached Jerusalem, she spent the days leading up to the feast with any
man willing to help her fulfil the yearnings of her flesh.
Even as Mary made her way to the church on the day of the feast, she still sought out
pleasure with anyone willing.
When she arrived at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, she waited impatiently with others
in line.
When she finally attempted to enter through the great doors, an invisible force blocked
her way and then forced her back.
Surprised at first, this rebuff only strengthened her will to enter.
She stepped forward again, only to be met with what felt like an invisible stone wall,
even though the doors were wide open and others were entering.
She then bore her full weight against this unseen and immovable force, but she again
failed to enter.
Mary stood back and collected her strength.
She then approached again with the full force of her body a third time, certain that she
would gain entry into the church.
She tried to propel herself through the huge doors as her body burned with every shred
of remaining strength.
But the unseen force allowed her no entry.
Exhausted, Mary finally gave up and sat dejected in the church’s courtyard.
Just then, an icon on the side of the building caught her eye.
It was a depiction of the Virgin Mary, the Theotokos, the Mother of God.
As Mary of Egypt drew closer, she sensed the purity of the all holy lady in a manner beyond
reason and understanding.
A deep shame overcame her and she wept.
For she saw in the Virgin Mary a person who found freedom by surrendering her own will
to God.
The Virgin Mary longed for God and in turn became more spacious than the heavens, illumined
with the grace of the Holy Spirit, while Mary of Egypt had freely given herself in slavery
to the passions and found only a heart filled with darkness.
Mary realized that she did not deserve to enter the church and stand in front of the
Holy and Precious Cross of Christ.
A searing pain filled her heart as she faced as in a mirror the memories of her wanton
youth, her selfish ways, and her complete and abject distance from the loving God Who
created her.
She prostrated herself before the icon as her dark heart broke open to memories of sins,
of lewdness, of lust, the complete horror of seeing her true self and realizing her
own self-centeredness.
She confessed it all to the Theotokos.
Mary realized then that only God could soothe the pain and fill the emptiness of her heart,
and that it was she alone who had blocked the love and grace of God through her own
free will.
She then made a vow to the Theotokos, that if she would be permitted to enter the church
and venerate the Holy Cross, she would spend the rest of her life in complete obedience
to the Mother of God.
She would go wherever the most Glorious Lady guided her in order to work out her salvation.
It was the beginning of Great Lent, and as was the custom in those days, monastics would
spend the season alone in the wilderness, so as to not see how others fasted and thus
fall into the sins of pride or judgment.
Fr.
Zosimas was such a monk, carrying only a scant amount of food and water, and only one extra
tattered garment into the desert.
He was well-known among his peers as a holy man of great wisdom and discernment, someone
with true spiritual gifts.
Monastics from all over the surrounding monasteries
had been coming to him for years for spiritual
counsel.
Now, as Fr.
Zosimas journeyed forward into the blistering heat, he beseeched God for an encounter with
someone from whom he could benefit spiritually.
A few days later, Fr.
Zosimas sojourned along the banks of the Jordan River.
Suddenly, something caught his eye amidst the shimmering heat.
He spotted a dark, angular form in the distance.
Thinking that this might be a demon, he immediately
made the sign of the cross and then continued
forward as he perceived no sense of evil or hatred surrounding him.
Yet, as he drew closer to the shape, the farther it moved away.
It occurred to Zosimas that this might be a humble, grace-filled ascetic from whom he
could receive a blessing.
This could be God’s answer to his prayer!
But perhaps the hermit was exceedingly humble, and was avoiding Zosimas out of attempts to
draw attention away from himself.
The thought then occurred to Zosimas that this might be his one chance to learn from
a holy and unknown ascetic.
And so, despite the oppressive heat, his own weariness, and advanced age, he continued
forward.
But, the figure was too fast.
Finally, they reached a dry streambed, and Zosimas cried out sorrowfully, “Why are
you running away from this old and sinful man?
Oh servant of the true God, wait up for me whoever you are, in the name of God, for whose
sake you dwell in the desert.
Unworthy as I am, stop and give to this old man your blessing and benediction, for God
never abhors anyone.”
The figure on the other side of the streambed relented and said, “Father Zosimas, forgive
me in the name of the Lord; I cannot turn toward you and be seen face-to-face, for as
you see I am a woman and I am naked, and I am ashamed to have my body uncovered.
But if you are really willing to grant one favour to a sinful woman, throw me the garment
you are wearing, so that with it I may turn toward you and receive your blessing.”
Astonished that she knew his name, he tossed her his cloak and she covered herself.
Turning toward him, she queried, “Why, Fr.
Zosimas, did you decide to look at a sinful woman?
What did you wish to learn from me or see, that you did not hesitate to put yourself
to such trouble?”
At this time, Zosimas was certain that this woman was a partaker of divine grace.
He knelt before her to receive her blessing.
She knelt before him for his blessing, and neither rose for a long time.
Each felt that they were unworthy to impart a blessing on the other, but finally, the
woman rebuked him, saying, “Father Zosimas, it is fitting for you to give a blessing and
prayer, for you have been honored with the rank of priest, and you have served at the
holy altar for many years, and have often performed the sacrament of the Holy Gifts.”
Shocked that she knew not only his name, but also that he was a priest, Zosimas’ realized
that he was in the presence of a holy woman.
He refused to get up until she imparted her blessing, and reluctantly prayed for them
both.
Then, they entered into conversation, and Zosimas begged her to tell him about her life
so that he could gain spiritual wisdom from her experiences.
Her humble reply and honest simplicity touched his heart.
“I am ashamed, my father, to describe for you my sinful actions.
Forgive me in the name of the Lord.
But since you have seen my bare body, I shall lay bare to you also my deeds, so that you
may know with what great shame and humiliation my soul is filled.
But before I do so, I ask you to swear that you will not stop praying for me, that I may
find mercy in the hour of judgment.”
Zosimas knew that it was often the most sinful people who ended up repenting with the greatest
dedication and fervour.
Even so, he had not expected to hear that this wizened, emaciated old woman had once
been capable of such lustful actions.
He listened in awe as she described her life of sin; her miraculous prevention from entering
the church; her heart-piercing experience of confession to the Theotokos, and
her repentance.
She often referenced Scripture in their conversation
while relating her story, so he asked her
when she had started studying the holy texts.
He was amazed to hear that she had never read any, and that she hadn’t even attended church
for forty-seven years.
All she knew, she had been taught by the Mother of God in the desert.
She proceeded to confess to him that the first seventeen years she spent in the desert had
been a true torment.
She had wrestled painfully with her past wantonness
and the desire to return to her previous life.
After that, she began to know peace, being aided by the Theotokos and being granted the
grace to see God’s Uncreated Light.
She made him vow not to tell anyone of her story until after she had died, and asked
Zosimas to meet her again on Holy Thursday the next year.
She wanted to receive Holy Communion from Zosimas, but warned him not to come any sooner
than the following Holy Thursday, as something bad would befall him.
Sure enough, when he returned to the monastery, Zosimas kept silent about what he had experienced.
As she predicted, toward the end of the following Great Lent, he did indeed become ill with
a fever, but he recovered in time to search for the hermit in the desert on Holy Thursday.
Standing in the same spot where they had met the previous year with the Holy Gifts in his
hands, he was greatly disappointed because she wasn’t there.
So, he prayed that he would be granted another encounter with the grace-filled ascetic.
Soon after, she appeared and stood on the opposite bank of the river.
She made the sign of the Cross over the water and walked across the river to his side of
the river bank.
Stunned, Zosimas tried to bow to her.
The woman protested, saying that since he had the Holy Gifts in his hands, she should
be the one bowing to him.
He recited the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer and offered her the Holy Gifts.
After receiving Holy Communion from him, and with tears in her eyes, she proclaimed, “Lord,
now let Your servant depart in peace, according
to Your word, for my eyes have seen Your salvation”.
He tried to offer her food, but she only accepted three lentils telling him that “the grace
of the Spirit was enough” for her.
Then, she asked Zosimas to meet her again the following year at the same place.
Before departing, Fr.
Zosimas touched her feet and requested her blessing and her prayers for the Church.
A year later, Father Zosimas returned to the desert on Holy Thursday.
The blessed ascetic’s body lay dead on the unyielding sand, facing east with her hands
folded.
He realized with a pang of regret that he hadn’t even known her name.
He bent down and bathed her feet with his tears, deeply grieved.
He did not know how she should be buried and hesitated to touch her.
But then, he noticed writing in the sand near her head: “Father Zosimas, bury the body
of the humble Mary in this place.
Return dust to dust, and pray always to the Lord for me.
I died in the month of Pharmouthi, according to the Egyptians, on that very night of the
Passion of our Savior, after I received the holy Last Supper”.
Zosimas understood that Mary had died on the same night after she received Holy Communion
from him the previous year, and he sorrowfully began to dig her grave.
But the earth was dry and packed hard, and the only tool he had was a stick he had found
nearby.
Suddenly, a huge lion appeared next to Mary’s body, and it was licking her feet.
Moved by the scene, Zosimas said to the lion, “Do what is necessary with your claws, so
that we may return to the earth the body of the blessed woman.”
The lion’s powerful claws rent the sand while Zosimas prayed over Mary and covered
her with the tattered cloak he’d given her when they’d first met.
After Mary’s burial, Zosimas and the lion departed.
Back at the monastery, Zosimas related the story of Mary’s wisdom and holiness where
all marvelled and gave glory to God.
Mary’s story continued to be told in the surrounding Christian communities even after
Zosimas reposed at the age of one hundred.
Today, St. Mary is remembered twice a year on the Orthodox liturgical calendar: On April
1st, and also on the Fifth Sunday of Great Lent.
Through repentance, asceticism, and humility, St. Mary became a true mother of the desert,
a hermit who, despite living away from the world, remained through prayer in communion
with God and all Creation.
And although we’re not all called to such a life of solitude and extreme ascesis, we
too can be transformed by God’s love and grace if we turn to Him in repentance.
May we strive to emulate St. Mary’s example of disposition of the heart as we continue
to draw near to God, especially during the Lenten season.
Saints Mary and Zosimas, servants of the True God, please pray for us!