The last time you were here we sent you to the dry cleaners.
It's your dry cleaners, by the way.
Yeah.
It is.
[INAUDIBLE]
Which remember, I was saying, is this a good idea?
Because this is actually where I go.
Right.
And you thought it was extra funny.
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
Go down on the ground.
On the ground.
[LAUGHTER]
So I was telling her what to say,
and I told her to faint, and everyone freaked
out there because she fainted, supposedly.
They called 9-1-1.
So now, you must have-- when you heard that they were calling
9-1-1--
Well, also, what I heard right before 9-1-1 is, like,
Amy Schumer's gone down!
[LAUGHTER]
Amy Schumer's on the ground.
And I was like, hey!
Ah, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
She called me Amy Schumer, which was, to me, my favorite part.
What a compliment.
But she called me Amy Schumer four or five times.
Right.
And then, Amy Schumer's on the ground!
Yeah.
And then 9-1-1.
[LAUGHTER]
So they were rushing to get Amy Schumer--
Yeah.
And people were not liking it.
And I just-- I remember out of the corner of my eyes,
somebody with their child just was like, no-no-no-no-no-no.
And they pulled their little son back from me,
because, like, that lady's crazy.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
And then, I just was in there recently,
and someone walked behind me that worked there and said,
try to keep it upright this time.
[LAUGHTER]
And I just yelled like at my kids, Ellen's falt!
Yeah.
Good for you.
Yes.
And nobody seemed to hear that.
No.
They were like, Ellen can do no wrong!
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
They love you there.
They, like, all flinched when I came in.
But the whole-- nobody's ever-- we've never
had something go so wrong where 9-1-1 was called.
So--
[LAUGHTER]
--it was a highlight for us.
But then, you were sweet.
You had her in.
And you've, like--
We gave her money.
You gave her money!
Yeah.
Yeah, we gave her money so that she could--
Just when I want to be mad at you.
--go see Amy Schumer in concert.
[LAUGHTER]
She'll be like, we like her so much better!
No.
She actually did say she knew it was you,
but she just kept calling you Amy Schumer, even though she--
Oh.
The best.
No.
She knew it was you.
[GIGGLES]
Your children are always--
I'm interested in everything that they do.
The 10-year-old now--
Just turned 10.
So explain what you got her for a birthday present.
Well, as your typical 10-year-old,
I got her a Hong Kong harness, which is--
like every-- you go, what?
[LAUGHTER]
It's what you use.
It's a stunt harness, which is what you wear if you're being
jerked up, or if you're in a fight scene, or if you're--
say there's an explosion in a movie.
It pulls you back.
And there's nine huge guys, literally being like, hrrrow!
And that's all she really wanted, which was kind of like,
I love stunts so much.
So I got her a baby stunt vest.
Boy, that woman does not like that I got her a stunt vest.
[LAUGHTER]
There's just one girl out there, like, nn-nn.
[LAUGHTER]
No thanks.
So her birthday party--
getting really judged that way.
Yeah.
So at her birthday party, we're going to, like, a PowerCore gym
that my stuntwoman Luci Romberg runs.
And I'm having riggers come, because every time she comes,
she's on set all the time with me.
And she's always like, can you hold me and take me up?
Which I don't.
I'm not that bad of a mom.
And she always just wants to do stunts, and flip around,
and do what I'm doing.
So we're going to have guys just, like, safely
and lovingly, jerk her up to the ceiling.
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah.
And she literally was like, yes!
When she opened it.
Because she wants to be a stunt person.
She's like, now I've got three jobs.
Because Georgie-- she's like, now, I'm
a chiropractor, an actor, and a stunt woman.
She's really clinging to all three.
So I'm like, great.
Do it.
But is she playing, also, violin?
Or is that somebody else?
No, that's her, too.
That's her.
She's also playing violin.
Is it--
Yes.
--good?
Because when you're learn--
Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
Sometimes they just check them, like, are you on the string
or are you on the wood?
Because she's just learning.
But just the fact that she practices it.
But there are times where just the dogs are like, [HOWLS]
[LAUGHTER]
It's not an easy instrument to learn.
No, it's a-- yeah.
That wouldn't be fun to hear all the time.
No.
I'm like, do you want to practice every day?
She's like, I think I've got it with, like, once a week.
I'm pretty sure that's how it works.
And you're like, good.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, maybe I shouldn't push for more.
Your parents are-- hi, parents.
Oh yeah, my mom and dad.
Your parents are in the audience today.
Hi, thank you.
Hi, Mike and Sandy!
[APPLAUSE]
Now--
[LAUGHS] My mom's like, you lied.
I just--
[LAUGHTER]
--because I just want to talk to y'all, because I just learned
this.
I did not know growing up that you rescued cats.
I love all animals, but I love cats.
And I heard that at one point, there
were something like 30 cats living at your house.
Probably more than 30.
Like, I think we--
I remember getting up to like 33, 34.
Not the house.
In the barn.
No, yeah.
OK.
They weren't in--
Thank you.
They were outside.
That only makes us, like, half as crazy.
[LAUGHTER]
But thank you for clarifying.
But people would just dump them off,
and you would rescue the cats.
Yeah.
Well, and she would do-- we did this.
My mom would often go on the back porch
and-- this was the call, and we all
did it, which only now seems weird.
Like, growing up, I was like, it's how you call 30 cats.
[LAUGHTER]
But you go out with this huge-- we'd
have two big pitchers of all this food.
And we did, like, dry milk, and water,
and bread-- all this crazy stuff.
And you'd literally stand outside and go, heeeeeere,
kit-kit-kit-kit-kit-kit-kit-kit, kitty!
And you'd do that, like, four times.
And that's-- like, when's the last time you've heard that?
Yeah.
And they'd all come.
And my mom was like, because they don't know each other,
or they're feral, or they're scared.
So my mom always took a really long time.
She'd go around and, well, you're doing--
while they were eating was our time to, like,
pet them and get them familiar.
So my mom would put them, and pet them,
and talk to each one of them, and give them all names,
and go around the whole circle.
And she did that one night and stood up.
And she'd been blocking her light with her own head.
And when she stood up, she was like, huh!
That one's a skunk.
[LAUGHTER]
And she had just been like, who's a good girl?
You're a good girl.
There, oh, yeah-yeah-yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
It's true.
That's fantastic!
Well, that's why you're so sweet.
Aw.
You pet skunks.
Oh, my God.
That is fantastic.
[LAUGHING]
All right, more with Melissa after this.