Hello. And welcome to another episode
of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
I do have some friends, but you can always use a few more.
Who are these friends?
The ones that I really have?
Let's not get into that.
Don't dig too deep.
(Conan laughs)
I dunno. People who have friends don't go
like, "I have a lot of friends".
I do.
Trust me, I have 'em.
(Conan laughs)
Is that give away the fact
that I really don't have real friends?
The fact that I constantly...
It only does that.
I have friends.
You don't think I have friends?
I have lots of friends.
Sir...
You got very defensive.
Sir, just pay for the unleaded gas and go.
But I do have friends.
(everyone laughs)
Of course, just put the nozzle back and...
I don't use unleaded. I use premium.
Well, you didn't order that.
And I have friends. Ask them.
Okay, sir, who are your friends?
I gotta go.
(Sona laughs)
That's also the voice I use when I'm not broadcasting,
when I'm not on television or I'm not doing a podcast
or some kind of personal appearance.
This is how I really talk,
which is always a huge shock.
People on the street are always saying, "Hey, are you
Conan O'Brien"?
That's right.
Bingo. You got it right on the nose.
Oh. Oh. And I go, oh, sorry, hold on a second.
Would this be better for you?
Yeah. What was that other voice?
Oh, that's how I really talk.
Well, gotta go.
And then I get on a unicycle
and I have a little horn that goes wa uh wa uh.
Bye bye. Tata.
And I drive away.
Little window into my life.
Some people say...
Pretty big window.
Comedians don't really open up, but I just did.
I just made myself very vulnerable
with that story and told you about the real me.
Yeah.
And, yeah.
Well, I really brought the tone down.
I'm sure there are people that were listening
to the podcast that when I was doing that bit,
I used that voice,
turned down their, you know,
whether it's their phone
or whatever they're listening to this on their computer.
(Sona laughs) You couldn't think of anything
other than...
I know you wanted to say radio so bad...
Or the television.
I feel like he really wanted to say television.
I did wanna say television.
And I did wanna say radio.
I did, but now you've busted me again
because that's also true.
I don't have friends and I really do wish
that everybody listened to this
on a mahogany curve-top radio.
(Sonat laughs)
And then, before I came on,
the announcer said, "Well, that does it
for a little Orphan Annie today.
And remember use Crisco when you're doing your deep frying.
We'll have a fireside chat
with President Franklin Roosevelt in about half an hour.
But until then, Conan O'Brien is coming to us
from his broadcast booth in Los Angeles.
Conan...
And that people were huddled around
and they were wearing farmer's bib overalls
because they had been working in the fields all day
trying to avoid the dust from the dust bowl
and just hovered around listening
to Conan's soothing tones.
But no, that's not the world I live in.
I live in a world of various downloads.
(Sonat laughs)
You couldn't even get that out.
Dynamic ad insertions.
I don't even know when, they'll say
that Conan's a dynamic ad insertion.
And I'll say, what, what do you mean?
It's an ad that comes on when the podcast airs.
The podcast doesn't air, the podcast exists in the cloud.
It's meta.
It's everywhere all the time.
And you access it.
No.
What? No, what?
It's not meta.
Well, what is it?
I don't know.
Do you know what the, how do I explain
what the podcast is to my parents?
They don't know.
They don't listen to it.
My brother, Neil, won't listen to it
because it doesn't happen on television or the radio.
And I'll say...
It's hosted on a server and downloaded by a user.
How's that?
It just sounds like porn.
What kind of porn are you watching?
You download your porn?
Yeah, I download it.
You can stream it.
It's so much better to stream than download.
I wanna make sure that I can save it for later,
so I download it and I have it,
then I have it burned onto cellophane so that I can...
Yeah.
Excuse me?
So I can, so I can...
Not cell...
Oh, well, you know, let me cover quickly for myself.
I use cellophane because celluloid has been proven
to be the worst way to show film.
You know what?
I don't know the word for anything.
I don't know the word for anything anymore.
I promised you did something recently
that I would not let you live down
and I have to bring it up
cuz this will already be out by then.
But we are on a zoom and the lovely editor
Mars, who works on the ads for this show,
had her background was from the video game
Animal Crossing and you in all sincerity went, "Wow,
you have a beautiful living room".
And it was like pink wood, like a rabbit lived there.
Yeah. I'm gonna admit that Mars who, by the way,
shout out to Mars.
She's very cool.
Does great work for the podcast.
And she had this background.
In my defense, it was a slight, it was a small box.
there were many boxes up.
So it's not like I was watching it
on a giant screen on this zoom,
but I complimented her on her lovely creative kind
of cool Etsy styled room.
And then it turned out she had to tell me that, no,
this is from what is it from again?
Animal... Animal Crossing.
Animal Crossing.
And that...
And by the way, just so you know,
this video game is not like a photo realistic video game.
It's like kind of like the Smurfs.
No, it really was.
If someone had put up as their background
the living room from the Flintstones.
Yes.
And I said, "Oh, I love your rock apartment.
I think that's really beautiful".
(Matt and Sona laugh)
So...
Oh God, that kills me And cut.
All of you laughed really hard cuz haha,
Conan's an idiot who doesn't understand
how things work and...
Okay. I guess we're done then.
(Conan laughs)
Also you, you never go,
you never go, "Oh I'm sorry. I was wrong."
You were like, "No, that living room looks very real"
and everyone's like, "it's a cartoon".
And you're like, "No, no, no".
But from my perspective, like you just couldn't you...
You go on to gas light us.
Yes.
I'm always hoping that I can get myself
out of trouble if I just keep talking.
And so... Yeah.
that is my modus operandi.
And so I just thought if I keep talking,
I'll hit upon something that will make
you guys go, "Oh, I guess that kind of makes sense".
And then I'm in the clear
and then I get to shit on you guys
for even thinking that I was wrong.