Do I ever experience resentment?
No, of course not. Except when I'm resentful as some of, you know,
I just recently got married to my Romanian wife in
Istanbul, Turkey, and, uh, I actually created a vlog out of it.
And if you're interested in seeing that vlog,
I will attach it to this video and I'll put it in the description right here.
It was the greatest moment of the year for me of the year 20,
20,
2020 was perhaps the most challenging year collectively.
It was the most challenging year, probably for most of us. And I'm no exception.
And so throughout that very challenging year,
which also kept me from seeing my wife because of travel restrictions.
It was before we were married and she couldn't come to the U S and I couldn't go
to Romania. This was a big event.
We went to Istanbul to get married because they didn't have travel
restrictions and they would marry foreigners. I returned home very,
very happy because of what I was able to do,
but I returned home to a daughter who was no longer talking
to me because I got married and this went on for months.
She wouldn't talk to me and she wouldn't see me.
So was I resentful about this? Well, before I get into that,
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video, you will also find a link for that in the description. So it was,
I resentful about this when my daughter would not talk to me.
Yeah, yeah. I was very,
very resentful and this is a very personal topic for me,
but I think it's really important to talk about these things.
And if I can share a process, uh,
that will help you overcome resentment.
It's so worth it for me to sort of let out some of my, uh,
personal steam here. What is the nature of resentment?
Well, let's step back a little bit and, and think about what we do naturally.
When we experience negative feelings, feelings, we don't like feel our States.
Also,
when I count States as part of this States and feelings that don't feel good,
that we don't like that make us feel uncomfortable. Well,
when you think about it,
when we are hardwired to move away from pain and discomfort, and it's,
it's part of our nature, it's what helps us survive.
So if we touch a hot stove and it burns, we instantly yank her hand away.
We don't think about it. We don't analyze it. We just do it.
And that's pretty much what happens for us when we experienced negative
feelings,
we that same nature to move away from pain instantly or move away
from discomfort also occurs, even though it's emotional,
which means it's happening inside of us.
So how do we move away from pain that is happening inside of us?
We can step outside of ourselves. Well, that doesn't stop us from trying.
And so we go through a process of trying to disconnect from the pain and this
actually causes a lot of trouble.
So while that's a good idea to move away from pain,
when it's outside of ourselves, when it's inside of ourselves,
that sort of disassociation,
or this sort of disconnecting from yourself will create problems because it
creates isolated parts of ourselves. It creates divisions within ourselves.
It creates internal conflicts. And when that happens,
we sort of cut ourselves off to whatever the resources are then or in those
parts of ourselves. So it's sort of like, well, if my hand hurts,
I'm just going to cut it off. Well,
that's not the way that we want to go about that. If we can save the hand,
we want to do everything that we can to save it, to make it better, to heal it.
So when you feel uncomfortable feelings, instead of pulling away from them,
instead of trying to disconnect from them, it's much better. If you take a,
a healing approach to it,
take a healing attitude toward what it is that you're experiencing.
And so what I mean by that is to not run from it,
to not try to disconnect from it, except it, one of the ways that we,
we try to disconnect from it as we try to blame other people.
And that was my natural instinct.
When I came home and my daughter wasn't talking to me,
it was so painful for that to happen. I had this high high,
and I got to be with the woman I love. And I come home and my daughter,
who means everything to me, isn't talking to me,
and this is stretching on for months. And it's, uh, it was,
it was so extremely painful. And I'm trying,
I could feel myself wanting to disconnect and disassociate from this pain.
And so it was so natural for me to,
to go about that and my strategy to go about that was to blame
other people and what we find when we blame other people that that totally makes
us immobile. It totally makes us useless.
We can't do anything because if we blame other people that we're basically
saying, this is outside of my control, I can't do anything right now.
And therefore, I just have to sort of sit here and take it.
Even though it may give us a sense of having some sort of relief from the pain.
It doesn't actually relieve us from the pain.
And if you can think of you've ever been in a situation where someone was
blaming you for something, uh, over and above,
like maybe something you were responsible for. So let's say, you know, um,
somebody was just angry at you.
And so they're blaming you and there's no way you could've known, you know,
that, uh, what you did was going to be bad,
or maybe you didn't do anything bad at all.
And this person just felt like you were a convenient placeholder to just blame
for something. And if you really look at what was going on there,
they're experiencing some sort of pain inside.
And they feel like if they can share that pain with someone else,
if they can maybe pull it out of themselves and give it to you,
then you can take the burden of that pain. But it never happens that way.
All it does is it spreads the pain more.
Now I'm trying to hurt you because I'm feeling hurt.
And now we have to hurt people. Not,
it's not like you can just give it to someone and walk away. No,
you're still feeling the pain yet. Now you've hurt another person.
And maybe that goes beyond just one other person that goes to many people.
So all we're doing is just spreading this pain around everyone.
This there's not a solution. Uh, it does not help now.
It certainly doesn't stop a lot of pupils from trying it,
and it certainly can happen when you're not really aware of what is going on.
And so that's the first part of it is to not pull away from it.
If you catch yourself blaming, then you know, what's going on,
that's your strategy to try to unload this pain and it's not going to work.
You just have to understand that in a rational sense,
your emotions are screaming and just like, yeah, give it out,
express it and give it to everyone else.
But your rational mind has to come in here and say, wait a minute.
That's not going to work. That doesn't help.
And that's what I really had to get honest with myself with this situation and
just say, okay,
even if the other P even if there are other people who were involved in this,
even if there are other people who are responsible for this blaming is
not helping me feel better. So I had to stop and say to myself, okay,
these are my feelings.
And I really had to take responsibility for that and just say, okay,
this is it. These are my feelings. Sure. That person may be responsible. Sure.
That may, that person may be at fault blaming them though.
Isn't changing their mind about anything. And in fact, if anything, they're,
they're resenting me for blaming them. So that's not helping anything.
And I just have to accept that this is the way that I feel,
and these are my feelings.
And so that would be the first step is just to accept whatever uncomfortable
feelings that you're feeling, whatever negativity you're feeling.
And sometimes these are very hard things to do, because sometimes we,
in addition to being resentful, we're very angry. We're very hurt.
We don't want to feel these things, but we, the only way to, to,
to take that first step toward healing from this is to accept that, yes, indeed,
these are my feelings. Maybe someone sort of stimulated, triggered,
whatever those things are that sort of cause you to react this way may all be
true. But the other truth is these are your feelings. Now,
the next step to getting through this,
the next step to work in your way through healing, resentment,
you want to ask yourself, what is the positive intent of these feelings? Now,
a lot of people go, what are you talking about?
These are very negative feelings. There was no positive intention here.
I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm resentful, but there is a positive intent.
Everything has a positive intent. This is what we say in NLP.
All behavior has a positive intent. And in this case,
we're talking about feelings, but it's still the same.
So what is the positive intent of these feelings?
So a lot of cases, it is simply to, to feel better to,
to, uh, do something, to take some sort of action,
or maybe it's to take the blame off of yourself, to where you don't,
you're not blaming yourself anymore. And there's some wisdom in that.
It does not help to blame other people like we already mentioned.
And so it also help to blame yourself. You're a person too.
So you're a people when we say not to blame,
other people are not to blame people. W we're also talking about yourself.
So relieve yourself of blame, relieve yourself of judgment.
You may be responsible.
They may be responsible and there may be something we can, we can do about that.
But judging and blaming,
these are very negative sort of ways of drawing a conclusion that doesn't
give you any solutions. In fact, it, it limits you from solutions.
So we want to stop and say, okay, I may or may not be responsible for this.
I'm going to accept these feelings. I'm not going to judge myself.
I'm not going to judge other people. I'm not going to blame myself,
and I'm not going to blame other people.
I'm just going to accept this and ask myself,
what is the positive intention behind these, these, these feelings.
And once you start to get to know these feelings a little bit better and
understand what's driving them, it will be, uh, it will,
you'll feel the relief in it right away. You'll say, okay,
there is something positive here.
There is something that these feelings are trying to do for me in a positive
way. This is a very, uh, wonderful thing to do for yourself.
And also with other people, it makes,
it will give you so much more sympathy for yourself and for other people,
when you realize that even when people screw up,
there is a positive intent behind it. When you screw up, when you do something,
you know, you're not supposed to do, or when you make a mistake, you know,
that there was a positive intent behind it. And as soon as you do that,
it just gives you so much more space and to, to work on a solution here.
So understand that these feelings have a positive intent and get clear about
what that positive intent is. You might have to journalists out.
That's usually how I do it. Now,
once you know what the positive intent is behind the feelings. Now ask yourself,
what do I want to feel instead? What do I want to feel instead of resentment?
What do I want to feel instead of anger hurt? And this might take you some time.
Um, again, I think journaling is a great practice to do this,
but maybe you need to talk it out loud with someone.
A lot of the coaching I do is exactly that I'm asking these same questions of my
clients. And so drawing it out of them. Okay. We know what you're feeling.
We looked at. What is the positive intent behind the feeling?
And a lot of times the positive intent behind the feeling is I don't want to
hurt, but you need to get that stated in the positive,
but I don't want to hurt what do I want instead?
And this is where we start to move into, well, what do I want to feel instead?
Okay. I don't want to feel resentful.
And I know I went through this exact process with my daughter. Um,
I was going through this process without her cause she wasn't talking to me,
but I was doing it as if she was present with me. And so I'm thinking to myself,
what do I want to feel instead of resentment toward my daughter?
The answer started to come well. I,
I wanted to feel that love that I have for her, uh,
and resentment was really getting in the way of that.
I wanted to feel that relationship that we have.
I wanted to feel that trust with her.
I want to feel that bond and that connection that I have with her again.
And as soon as I started to do this, it was very emotional by the way. But it,
as soon as I started to do this, I, the resentment just started melting away.
And I was just really, uh,
realizing that the way I'd been going about this was wrong or the way
that I maybe I'm judging myself too much,
the way that I was going about this was not useful in the way that I was going
about this before was not going to draw my daughter back to me again,
because in a sense,
she was kind of afraid to come back into my life because I was angry.
I was resentful.
If I then started reconnecting with that love that I have for her and that
connection that I have with her, uh,
when she finally saw me or when she finally talked to me again,
she would feel that instead of my anger and resentment, and I knew that too,
I knew that for, uh,
after some time had passed and I was feeling that resentment. I was like,
I was just like, I can't be like this the next time I see her,
because then why would she want to see me again? If I'm,
if I come off as angry and resentment, resentment, a resentful toward her,
she's gonna, that's going to repel her even more.
So I knew I had to get myself back into a better state.
I had to reconnect myself with my true feelings for her and my connection with
her and right away the solution started to come. I started to, uh,
be able to put together a new strategy and how I was going to deal with this.
Now, the wonderful thing is, is that yes,
we've reconnected and everything is so much better.
And she never felt the brunt, I guess,
of my resentment and my anger about all this. Um,
because I changed how I was about it. And it was very strange.
I don't believe in like, uh, you know, the,
the laws of the universe and that kind of thing. I mean, astronomically, I do,
um, but not like, uh, in the sense that a lot of people talk about it and,
uh self-help but as I was starting to come around,
as I was starting to shift myself from resentment to reconnecting with how I
truly feel about her, that's about the time that she came around.
And it was a little bit unexpected when she did,
I wasn't expecting her to come around at that time.
And suddenly she pops up again and it was like,
we just went right back to where we were before.
There was no sort of disconnect. There was no sort of, uh,
wounds that we had to heal. And in fact,
she was a little concerned that I would, uh,
be angry at her and she mentioned something about it. I said, Hey,
don't worry about that. Uh, I'm working on that for myself.
All I'm interested in is repairing this relationship. And the strange thing is,
is that there doesn't seem to need a lot of repairing. Um, um,
I don't want to say that there doesn't need to be any at all.
I want to sort of be looking out for that in case there is,
but it really doesn't feel that way. And I could have,
could have reconnected with her and then said, okay,
now I want to answer this and go and tell that, but I decided, you know what?
I don't, I don't need all that. I have what I need, uh, whatever was going on,
uh, will sort itself out.
And we were working out the idea here for you to overcome resentment.
Here's the steps. I'll summarize it again.
Get familiar with the feeling and accepted as this. These are your feelings.
Yes. There might've been other people who wronged you, that all might be true,
but the feelings you're feeling or your, or your feelings. So first accept them,
then elicit the positive intent of those feelings,
which will start you to start to move in a direction of what do you want to feel
instead? So positive intent is often going to come out, stated in the negative,
like I don't want to hurt. Okay. So then you ask yourself, well,
if you don't want to hurt, what do you want instead?
And then that starts to move you on to that next part,
which is what do I want to feel instead of being resentful.
And as soon as you do that,
you start to reconnect with the feelings and the emotions and the States that
are important to you that are positive. And once you're there,
it's usually not all done yet.
Now you have to kind of build a strategy that aligns to those feelings that you
want to feel instead of the negative feelings.
If your behavior aligns to the negative feelings that you're experiencing,
like resentment and anger, chances are your behavior is going to reflect that.
And it's going to be angry. Behavior is going to be resentful behavior,
and that's probably not going to work out well for you.
It certainly would not have worked out well for my situation with my daughter.
So we want to shift that and we want to go to, well,
what is it I want to feel instead of the pain,
instead of the hurt instead of the resentment and the anger,
and then how do I align my behavior to that?
And then that becomes your strategy.
And then it's just about executing that strategy. Now,
if you want a breakdown,
a PDF on all of these steps and what questions to ask yourself,
I'll link that into the description right here,
down below you just click that link and you get a free copy of that process.
If you are experiencing resentment or any of these negative feelings,
this works really pretty much with any negative feelings.
Resentment is just the thing that I had been dealing with,
and I got just recently got through it. So I wanted to share that with you.
So if you are experiencing any of these negative feelings,
especially resentment,
just know that it doesn't have to be that way and you can change this right now.
You don't need to feel resentment anymore.
Get started on overcoming it right now. If you liked this video,
make sure you give it a thumbs up.
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If you can think of a friend or a family member who is dealing with resentment
or anger or any of these other negative emotions,
make sure you share this video with them. Take care.