Look I'm really sorry Carol, but I couldn't.
It's Cheryl.
I know.
Cheryl.
You gave Lana herpes?
[CHERYL GASPS]
Hello, Cheryl.
It's Carol.
Since when?
Since I had it legally changed because you
always call me Carol.
Oh, my god, I am surrounded by idiots.
I think that's hot.
Like, somebody murdering me?
It's so intimate.
You are just a dog in a manger.
I don't know what that means, Pam.
I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
Oh for the--
it's called a dairy.
Oh, hey, what are you doing Thursday between 9:00 and noon?
[SCOFFS]
1:00 and 4:00?
I'll be doing one of your coworkers.
Why should I care if Archer knocked up some dumb hooker?
Because babies are soft-skulled, fat,
little germ sacks and now we've all been
exposed to that one's bacteria.
Sometimes I think, you know, I'd
like to adopt a little baby so I could abandon it at a mall.
You didn't hear him come in?
Because he totally snuck up on me.
Then I guess I blacked out because I don't
remember stabbing him at all,
What?
Why did you have a knife?
I didn't.
It was a stupid pair of scissors.
And it was his fault for grabbing
me with his throwing hand.
That's how it's tendon got severed.
I said that would happen and it did.
[GASPS]
Oh, my god, what if I psychokinetic powers?
I don't know.
Just try to only use them for good.
No.
Pirate's, line two.
MALORY: Well, put them through.
Oh, my god, be more, I hate you.
That's why your phone is blinking.
MALORY: Oh.
Hello?
This is Malory Archer.
[VOMITING]
Oh, my god, I'm going to die in a toilet stall
just like the gypsy said.
That's our pee and that's the last I better hear about it
because this stupid building is a tinderbox
and I will burn it to the ground.
It's just like my birthday party all over again.
Remember?
No.
Yeah, because you weren't invited.
Name one, just one single favor that Archer
ever did for any of you.
ALL: Uh.
Oh.
Oh, my god, chlamydia--
which put me over my deductible.
So the rest of the year, all my doctor visits
were totally free. Score.
Great.
So it's give him a hand job or change
up my whole Sunday routine.
Milk comes from Mexicans?
Oh, my god, what's cereal made from?
Ow.
I thought you were my friend.
Yeah, and for like, six months you also
thought you were a werewolf.
If the kidnapping is a kidnapping to kidnap me,
Charlene.
Please don't take this the wrong way
because I'm loving being your Esmeralda,
but you may have a problem.
And it sounds like the solution is more cocaine.
So turn left up there.
What is it with you people making tit bondage
pornos in my ancestral home?
Ah.
[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]
Just look down there and--
I'm not looking at her goddamn va-- joinx.
Well, you don't need to shave.
That thing is smooth.
You poisoned us with that stupid ceviche
nobody asked you to bring.
CYRIL: You asked me to bring it.
I didn't know what ceviche was.
Uh, why do you have keys to her apartment?
Ron gave them to us when they were doing
that weird open house thing.
Open marriage.
Oh.
Well, that explains that.
[LAUGHS]
You both had sex with, hopefully, Ron?
MALORY AND PAM: Don't worry about it.
That's what I love about this job.
You learn something new every--
Mother, please.
Oh.
[MOANS]
[PURRS]
And also, can I go to the bathroom?
No.
Then why does Archer get to do whatever
he wants plus morphine when you're
not even my robot supervisor?
OK.
Jesus, go to the bathroom.
Barry is about to violate the first law
of robotics on my vagina.
[LAUGHS]
Noice.
Oh, my god.
I'm so turned on I think I'm actually getting dehydrated.
When this is over, remind me to kick your tits off.
No.
Well, good luck with no vagina.
Oh.
[GASPS]
Not you, Miss Archer.
Although--
What?
She's obviously got a vagina.
Yeah.
Probably why she's such a bitch.
Who's asking?
Charlotte Vandertunt, heiress to the vast Vandertunt
publishing fortune.
And I would like to hire you to murder me.
OK.
[GUN COCKS]
Who would go to all that trouble?
Johann Schmidt, a.k.a.
The Red Skull, in my Nazi kidnap/rape fantasy.
[GROWLS]
Ew.
I am prepared to offer you $10,000.
Oh.
And my body.
The 10 grand is plenty.
Admit that you like her.
Well, yeah.
I mean, of course I--
Hey, yeah, me and him?
We just [BLEEP].
I hate this stupid island.
[SIGHS]
Do I get my $9 now?
No.
[IMITATES TRAIN HORN]
Has Sterling mentioned anything
to you about coming into some money, or say, treasure?
Oh, you mean since the night he
defiled my young, supple body, destroyed my marriage,
and sentenced me to a life of shame?
Or whenever.
It's starting.
We'll tear ourselves apart with suspicion and doubt,
and then eat each other.
I call first dibs.
To eat or be eaten?
Whatever.
I'm not picky.
Better sharpen those chompers.
I am so confused by your tone.
Me too.
I am ready.
Take me.
You may have some unhealthy associations
with sex and death.
Duh-oi.
MALORY (ON SCREEN): Now listen to me.
We are flying back down there and--
You're not my space supervisor.
So you know don't have any junk, right?
Well, if you give me a moment, I'm sure I can grow one.
Why don't you make it two?
Right. The tab.
Uh--
Cyril, don't worry about the tab.
I got this.
This waiter just touched my breast.
[CROWD GASPS]
What?
Again, I just can't put into words how mortified I am.
Well, you should be mortified.
I know my breasts certainly are.
Right, ladies?
Ugh.
It's so hard to talk to poor people.
It's like there's gruel in your ears.
PAM: Look at that grip.
He could twist a pineapple in half.
But he's a gross servant and it's totally forbidden--
is how I'd get things going.
So what now?
Isn't it obvious?
Prison tats.
It has been pretty quiet lately.
OK, real talk?
The phone is broken.
Since when?
A few months ago, I don't know.
I'd call someone to fix it, but, you know.
And now, we set it on fire.
We're on a plane, where would we go?
You just said it, we're on a plane.
We could fly anywhere.
If your brain were a drug, I'd snort the shit out of it.
There's the Raven Master.
Legend has it that if the Ravens ever leave this tower,
the British empire will crumble.
Heavens to Murgatroyd.
What a frightful thought.
Hey.
What the--
Take that, you wankers.
The hell?
The Ravens are androids.
Guards.
PAM: Wait.
'Tis a dangerous country.
(SCREAMING) Oh, my god, we're going down.
Why are you Satan?
Better to rule in hell than serve in heaven.