Kamala Harris is not gonna revoke my pussy-hat
because I want to go to Homecoming with Brandon Swain.
I really can't wait to see you.
I'm definitely coming home for fall break.
I don't trust you,
and I never will trust you.
You have Farrah lite over there,
so why don't you go hang out with her?
Today I identify as a woman.
He's afraid.
You cannot post those photos.
How are we supposed to help her
if she never asks for it?
You act like this is new.
I know, but it's getting worse.
Look, I know Cowher wouldn't post those photos of his own mother,
and obviously you didn't,
which means that your new partner has gone rogue.
[Farrah] How do you have time for official school business
with all this aggressive posting?
These posts aren't gonna lead to
an actual working partnership.
-I say we expose him. -That would expose us.
-Who cares? -I care... a lot.
[indistinct chatter]
-Thank you so much. -Mm-hmm.
Hey, is your mom gonna come
to the pre-party again like last year?
-I literally forbid her. -Why, what happened?
Oh, she walked around the school parking lot
with a camera and a mic asking everyone,
-"Who are you wearing?" -No, she didn't.
Yeah, her and another mom have this YouTube channel
called "Around the Town with Andrea and Joyce."
It's beyond mortifying.
So, did you guys buy your tickets yet?
Well, my date bought mine. You might've heard of him.
[Farrah and Hurley] Brandon Swain.
You are such a loser.
-I know! -[chuckles]
I bought myself one because I know
nobody in this school's going to ask me.
Oh, because they're scared to.
I mean, look at you.
Hmm. Did you ask anyone yet?
I probably will.
You know that means you're gonna have to buy a ticket
-from one of the Graceys. -Mm.
-[phone vibrating] - [Farrah]
my dad and I would spend hours
building these crazy domino mazes in our basement.
[phones buzzing and chiming]
I always remember crying when it came to
pushing over that first domino.
I could never do it.
[phones buzzing]
-Oh, no. -Holy shit.
[Farrah]
-to give it a nudge.
Dude, it's cool if you're gay.
I'm not... [chuckles]
I'm not gay.
I'm-- I'm not gay!
Hey!
Tripp!
Wait!
-Tripp! -What?
What do you wanna tell me?
That everything's gonna be okay?
Is that what you wanna tell me?
'Cause it's not.
That post violates me in so many ways.
I know. I get it.
No, you don't! You don't get it!
What do you care? We're not friends.
We don't have to be friends
for me to give a shit.
[scoffs] Look...
I get to decide things
that happen to me on my own time...
and it's not up to some anonymous kid
to push me into something before I'm ready for it, okay?
This can't happen to me right now.
Tripp!
[car engine starts]
[tires screeching]
Hey.
[sighs] I can't believe
The Crotch would post something like that.
It is by far the worst thing The Crotch has ever posted.
They're screwing with a kid's life here.
What do you think, Farrah?
It's indefensible.
[theme song playing]
♪ In a manner of speaking ♪
♪ I don't think we'll be speaking ♪
♪ At all ♪
[drumline music]
Did I get called to the principal's office
because I did something wrong?
Or is this mother-son stuff?
Combo platter.
I thought we agreed not to mix
the two things, especially--
We did, and I have never
asked you to be anything more than
just another student in this school.
But now I need help from my son
who also happens to be a student.
Okay, what do you need?
I need to find The Crotch.
You've already asked me if I know who it is
like a thousand times.
I know, but you are more
of a watcher than a doer,
so I thought maybe, you know,
you've seen things that other people haven't.
I haven't seen anything, Mom.
Okay, then help me find him.
How?
I know how you are around people,
so I wouldn't ask you this
if it wasn't really important.
But can you just dig around the school a little?
Maybe talk to some people,
see what's happening?
You're asking me to be a mole?
No, I'm not asking you to be a mole.
I'm just asking you to dig around a little and see...
Yeah, yeah. Mole, I guess, would be more accurate.
Whatever you think about Tripp,
he doesn't deserve his personal life
exposed like that, and neither did we.
The Crotch has no moral compass.
Colin, please help me.
-Okay. -Thanks.
-What's in the bag? -Supplies.
We are not leaving Cowher's trailer until we have a plan.
You know, it'll take me a little bit of time, but I could probably build
a security system that'll lock him out.
-[Cowher scoffs] -Of course,
that'll just piss him off.
-And then he exposes us. -Or worse.
And the fact this kid's a psycho
creates the same problem with every plan.
No, the only clean way out is to find something
on Dipankar that's worse than what he has on us.
So to get out you have to become a worse psycho?
That sounds promising.
It's not the only way, okay?
Wh-- Why don't we just let him have The Crotch?
I mean, what are we fighting for anyway?
Hot indexes and school gossip?
No, at this point it's so much more than that.
He broke you and Hannah up,
posted those photos of your mom,
and now the Tripp thing? This kid has no conscience,
and he has access to every computer in school.
Who knows how he's gonna escalate this.
Whether it's him or us, it's only a matter of time
before The Crotch blows up in our faces.
Too many people know about us now to stay hidden.
-No offense. -No, I get it.
I already wish I didn't know about all this.
No, I'm not gonna let it blow up in our face.
We can fix this.
Oh, nice speaker. Did Q make you that?
Quartermaster? Makes the gear for James Bond.
What, not a fan?
If you wanna try to fix it, go ahead, okay?
I'm tired of sneaking around and hiding.
-Cowher. -No, I'm serious.
I'm out.
Now what?
With or without Cowher, the plan is still the same.
We need to find something that threatens Dipankar.
Look, I know this is a big ask,
but this is the drive with all The Crotch files on it
since it became a thing.
It's a lot, and I haven't even seen all of it,
but now that we have it, maybe we can find something
-that takes Dip down. -You got it.
You can trust me.
Deal 'em up!
You think I'd know better
than to play cards with you.
Oh, you think you would.
[chuckles]
So I saw that Tripp post today.
So, is Cowher like a crazy person?
Or is he just getting out of control, or...
No, he's okay. I talked to him.
He may have ruined that kid's life.
I said I talked to him.
I'm not trying to upset you.
I'm just thinking maybe
he's not the guy you thought he was
when we gave him The Crotch.
Look, I hear what you're saying,
and I'm taking care of it, okay?
Fine.
I'll drop it. Just thought you'd wanna
talk it through with someone you trust.
I thought I heard the words,
"Okay, I'll drop it" come out of your mouth.
Why do you make it so hard for people to help you?
Because you're not trying to help me.
You're trying to remind me that you did it better
when you were The Crotch.
I'm sorry. That came out
a little harsher than I intended.
-No, it didn't. -Will...
-You say exactly what you mean. -Will!
You know, you're gonna need help someday.
And all the people that care about you,
they're not gonna be there
'cause you pushed 'em all away.
[song playing, man singing in French]
[door closes]
[sighs]
Hey, what's wrong with you?
I was up way too late last night.
Why, what were you doing?
Just fooling around on the computer.
Can we-- Can we, uh,
get our steps in at a slower rate, please?
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, can-- can I--
-can I ask you something? -Hmm.
Do you ever feel like Farrah isn't always
being upfront with you?
No more than usual.
[scoffs] See, that's what I mean.
Okay, it didn't use to bother me,
because I was always on the inside with her,
-but now it's-- -[engine revving]
[Hurley gasps]
Tripp?
[tires screeching]
-[car crashes] -[both gasp]
-Tripp! -Oh, my God!
Tripp went to the hospital.
I blame The Crotch.
I'm boycotting The Crotch.
It almost killed the dude.
This Crotch dude better hope
I never find out who he is.
Hey.
I can't believe you guys were so close.
I'm really glad you're okay.
Yeah,
Tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What?
I am with you every single day.
If you want something posted to The Crotch,
it gets posted.
So I need to hear you say
that you had nothing to do with this.
I had nothing to do with this.
[sighs]
So, what's with the pink hair?
It's more me.
Hey, we should team up
and try and figure out who The Crotch is.
I bet together we could find out.
Seems a little Farrah-esque, no?
No, 'cause Grace said, "Team up."
Farrah doesn't work with a team.
She works for herself.
True.
Hey, I know that guy.
He was on the football team last year.
He was also on Farrah last year.
Really?
I mean, that was not an item I read about on The Crotch.
Nobody really knew about it,
but she was really into him.
Hmm.
So, three iced lattes?
I'm down.
Where is she going?
[conversation inaudible]
She is full-on flirting with Will right now.
[Jane] Okay, come on.
Jane, doesn't this seem just a little weird?
It's harmless.
If you say so.
[Principal Cowher] Farrah!
Hi, Mrs. Cowher.
-Hi. -How are ya?
Good. Um, actually, no.
Not-- Not good.
Which is, um, why I wanted to talk to you.
It's hard trying to keep control of the school.
Yeah, I can't even imagine.
Well, I think you can. I mean, I-- I watch you,
and you seem to control things just fine.
I mean, socially.
Well, to me, you always seem to have it so together.
Oh, yeah.
I look like I'm in control,
but I'm really not.
I mean, I can't stop Tripp from crashing his car.
I can't stop The Crotch from posting about it,
or posting about me.
Every day's the Wild, Wild West.
Yeah, I get that.
Which brings me to a very
uncomfortable question I have for you.
You seem to be the most plugged-in person at school,
and I have never gone to a student
for anything like this before,
but, um...
I need your help.
You wanna see if I know who The Crotch is.
Farrah, a student of mine just wound up in the hospital.
Now, I don't know if there's a direct correlation,
but I-- I can't help but noticing the connection.
So I'm asking you not as the principal of the school,
but just as another human being who cares.
Do you know anything?
Anything at all?
Mrs. Cowher, I'm sorry.
I don't have a clue who it is.
[sighs]
Well, thank you. Thanks for listening to me.
And, of course, for everything that you-- you do for Colin.
Yeah, not a problem.
Hey, have a wonderful time at Homecoming.
Thank you.
Um, I'll see you around.
-Bye. -Bye.
♪
[knocking on door]
Come in, Mom.
[Farrah] The door is getting worse.
Why don't you just get a handle already?
What?
Uh, I-- I thought
you might never come back now that I'm
out of The Crotch game.
Wow. Well, if that's what you think of me,
then I'll just go right now.
I have Kombucha.
What?
Sorry, that was a defense mechanism.
So you don't have Kombucha?
No, I do. I just, uh, the part about you
never coming back was a defense mechanism.
I was emotionally preparing myself
in case you never came by again.
But then you just bought my tea just in case I did.
Yeah.
I'm complicated like that.
Mm.
Please stay.
[sighing] Okay.
Just so you know,
I could never abandon you.
I mean, how could I?
You're the only other person mental enough
to go through the batshit we do.
You feeling guilty about the Tripp picture, too?
Oh, my God.
I'm feeling guilty about a lot of things.
That one's just the icing on the cake.
How did Dipankar get that photo?
And what was wrong with us?
Why did we follow him that night?
I mean, at least you wanted to protect him.
I wanted to post the pics as soon as I took 'em.
-I'm the monster. -No, you're not.
You're actually the best person I know.
Seriously, you are.
So, are, uh, you going to the Homecoming dance with Will?
I asked him.
Oh.
But we're not doing so hot right now,
so we'll see how that goes.
Should I even bother to ask if you're going?
Well, I didn't ask anyone.
But you know you can still go, right?
Alone? That's sort of a nightmare scenario for me.
Cowher, you are a cute guy.
You're funny. You freakin' play guitar.
Like, you have a lot to offer.
You say that, but--
I know the social game
isn't really your scene,
but the world beyond me has to meet you.
And when they do, they'll dig you.
I promise.
I know this because I have fabulous taste.
[chuckles]
Play me something.
-Mm. -Come on.
Okay.
Um.
♪
♪ I'm so unimpressed ♪
♪ With all the rest of this whole world ♪
♪ Oh girl if you were all I had ♪
♪ That would be enough ♪
♪ When you say my name ♪
♪ I feel my worries fly away ♪
♪ Oh finally it's okay ♪
♪ Just let go and love ♪
Oh, God, I want you so bad right now.
-God. -[laughing]
Stop.
♪
[scoffs]
[Chadwick]
[scoffs]
[song playing, man and woman singing in French]
[door opens]
[Jayne] What the hell, Farrah?
What's going on?
Here I am trying to help you,
and first I find the photos of Tripp.
Look, I can explain that.
And then I find a bunch of creeper shit
taken from Chadwick's office.
Please, just give me a minute--
To-- To what?
What could you possibly say
that makes this less offensive?
This entire time, you've known about videos
where I'm not only being perved on,
but where I'm talking about my private life.
I know it's hard to see right now,
but I was trying to protect you.
Protect me?
I told you about some of the stuff
going on with my family a few weeks ago
and you pretended like-- like it was the first
you ever heard of it, but you knew it all.
No, it was the first I ever heard of it.
I don't watch those videos.
-Cowher is the one who-- -So your partner
knows about my secrets.
How is that supposed to make me feel better?
The fact is you knew about videos
where I'm being up-skirted,
and you chose not to tell me about them.
I'm sorry.
I thought it would be opening up something
that would be better to never come out.
Never come out? That crazy-ass Dipankar
probably already has those photos, too.
Look, I just thought--
You know what your problem is?
The fact that you actually believe
that you should decide what's best for other people.
I was trying to be a good friend.
[scoffs] A good friend?
I'm not even sure you're a good person.
[door closes]
[sighs]
[song playing]
[knocking on door]
You can come in, Mom.
[door opens]
[sighs]
I take it you're not going to the dance.
-I don't think so. -Are you sure?
'Cause a lot of people go without dates nowadays.
I know, Mom.
I know you know. I just--
I just don't want you to miss anything.
I mean, you don't get a lot of chances
to bank these kind of high school memories.
Well, you bank 'em every year.
Okay, I am gonna leave you this ticket
just in case you change your mind.
Mm.
You look nice, Mom.
[chuckles] Thanks.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[Chadwick]
I did not expect-- Well done, buddy.
[text chimes]
♪ You know what you want baby ♪
♪ Been on my mind lately ♪
♪ I just wanna see you ♪
♪ Ain't that what love will do? ♪
♪ You say you're tired of taking chances ♪
♪ You just want romancin' yeah ♪
♪ Well guess what I'll be giving it to you ♪
♪ I'll give you the sun the stars and the moon ♪
[new song] ♪ You think you found the one ♪
Hey, Will! Welcome back.
The King returns.
-Stop. -No, it's fine.
-Go say hi. -You sure?
Yeah, I'll catch you in a bit.
Yeah.
♪ So get on down ♪
What's goin' on, man?
[Hurley] Hey, Farrah!
[gasps] Oh, my God!
You look even better in that dress today!
Do a twirl. Let me see, girl.
-Okay, okay. -Yes!
I'm trying so hard not to trip.
Picture perfect.
-Take a photo of us. -Yes.
♪
Hey, Will.
What are you doing?
Just having fun.
♪ You're not angry ♪
♪ I'm not dark ♪
-♪ You aren't... ♪
[song in French playing]
♪
[indistinct chatter]
So are we gonna go to the after-party after this?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I just wanna get a picture of us first.
♪ I'm on your side ♪
I'll be right back.
♪ I'm on your side ♪
Jayne, you look beautiful.
Nice try.
Hey, Dip.
Oh, if you wanted to ask me to dance,
you could've waited until I peed.
-This ends tonight. -What?
I'm cutting off our deal, and you are gonna
step away from The Crotch.
I don't think you will,
because if you do, I'll expose the truth,
and I not only have proof
that you and the principal's son
have been running the show all year long,
but also that you covered up a scandal
to protect Mommy's job.
God, that'll be like a roller coaster
seeing how that all shakes out.
Or you can shut
your blowhole forever and say nothing.
You know, that sounds like a threat,
but I think I have all the leverage here.
Guess I'll post that Principal Spygate story now.
I found something super coincidental
on The Crotch drive.
Did you know every South Asian-looking student
scored around the same on their SATs?
Even the dumb ones.
-What's that? -Oh, I made a list.
Hmm.
Look at all these students
with very low GPAs
all scoring in the 1500s.
That's what you scored on your SATs, right?
It's very peculiar, considering you're the guy
with the equipment to make fake IDs.
[scoffs] You-- you think I'm scared of a list?
That's entirely circumstantial.
Did you know that using a fake ID
to take a standardized test for someone else
is an actual felony?
Do you think you'll be as popular
in prison as you are in school?
Okay, what do you want?
Oh, it's simple.
You step away from The Crotch,
you keep it your secret,
nobody knows who's behind it.
It's a pretty easy ask
considering the alternative.
Fine, you can have it back.
Excellent.
But never a word about the IDs, okay?
That's your scam.
I don't know a thing about it.
Pleasure doing business with you.
[scoffs]
You really think that's binding?
It's gonna have to be.
♪
♪ Staring at the things ♪
♪ I dreamt to share with you ♪
♪
-Hey. -How's it goin'?
-See you later, man. -I'll see you.
Do you maybe wanna dance
or hang out for a second or two?
-What's that supposed to mean? -I mean, you've been with
your minion jocks the whole night.
-I thought you forgot about me. -Me?
You're the one who went out to talk to whoever in the hall.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Can we just...
hit a reset button for tonight?
Dance?
♪ And life goes by ♪
♪ But I'm still waiting ♪
♪ Now life goes by ♪
♪ But I'm still waiting ♪
♪
What are you looking at?
I'm here.
No, you're not.
If you have something to say just say it.
You haven't made it easy to talk to you about things.
It's not like I don't know what you're gonna say.
So, go ahead, say it.
I let you pick Cowher to be The Crotch
'cause you said you could control him.
Apparently, you can't.
[chuckles] Why do you even care?
You don't go to this school anymore.
I care when the girl I thought I liked
does something despicable.
Kinda makes me question my taste.
Will. Will!
♪ I was paralyzed ♪
♪ By those pair of lies ♪
Wait.
Dance with me.
♪ But those pair of eyes ♪
♪ Brought me right back ♪
-♪ Back back to you ♪
♪ I gave up my pride ♪
You okay?
No, but I gotta keep smiling, right?
Look, I know you're mad at me for ditching The Crotch.
No, you were right.
It's not worth it. I'm gonna kill it.
What do you mean, kill it?
I have a plan to save face for Tripp,
but I have to burn the whole thing down.
Well, I'm not gonna let you burn it down without me.
No, you can't be next to me when I do it.
-I mean, the consequences are-- -What?
Everyone will hate me?
I'll be a loser and an outcast?
It's a lot better than being invisible.
♪
Farrah, come on.
I'm not gonna let you kill our monster without me.
Fine.
At 11:00, we'll kill The Crotch, together.
What do we do until then?
Song's not over.
♪ I heard from your friends ♪
I'll be right back.
♪ I have found forever ♪
♪ Let's get lost together ♪
♪ I'm on my way home ♪
♪ And I'm down forever ♪
It's almost time. You ready to do this?
Hey, I was just trying to find you.
I just saw Hannah go outside alone.
-She was pretty drunk. -How drunk?
Drunk enough that you should definitely go check on her.
Uh, do something heroic.
-I'll wait for you. -Okay.
♪ Meantime why not go anywhere you want? ♪
♪ Even if I'm outta town ♪
♪ I'll be there ♪
-♪ Anyplace you want to go ♪
Hey, everyone.
Hey.
-[music stops] -[girl] What happened?
Most of you know me as Farrah Cutney,
but I think it's time
that you know me as someone else.
On the last day of school last year,
I opened my locker and I found a package
containing a note and a hard drive.
It was from last year's Crotch
asking me to take over the gig, and I did.
Did you know about this?
-[all murmuring] -[Jayne sighs]
I thought it would be fun to have that power...
-[knocking]
until this week.
An anonymous emailer sent me that photo of Tripp,
and I posted it.
That was a huge mistake,
and I am so sorry about that.
Not only was posting it wrong on a moral level,
but it turns out that the photo was fake--
-it was Photoshopped.
I saw the original one.
It was taken the night of
the gender fluidity town hall,
and I was just so excited about posting it
that I didn't even check to see if it was real.
Look, I don't expect anyone,
let alone Tripp, to accept my apology...
But I am truly, truly sorry.
And to that end, I want everyone to know
that The Crotch is dead.
At least while I'm in charge, it is.
♪
It was you all along.
[door shuts]
I came to you in a time of need
and I asked you if you knew who it was.
And you lied to my face.
-I know I did. -I don't know--
I thought we were on the same side, Farrah.
I guess we never were.
That makes me sad for me and for you.
What?
Oh, I take it
you weren't in this alone.
No, it was all me.
Hmm, and you're lying to me again.
Farrah, I would've done anything to help you,
but you just shut me out.
I knew you lied to most people,
but I always convinced myself
that there was good behind the lies.
Turns out I'm the idiot for believing in you.
Forget her. She's not worth it.
Wait.
You fell on your sword for Tripp,
and you don't even like him.
Then you fell on your sword for me, too.
I don't care what anybody says.
You are the best person I know.
You're wrong, Cowher.
I'm not even good to you.
I manipulated you into being The Crotch
so that I could pull the strings.
You think The Crotch chose you?
I handpicked you
because you're socially awkward,
and you've always had a crush on me.
I thought you'd be easy to control,
and guess what, I was right.
I am not a good person.
[door opens]
[door closes]
[gasps]
Jesus.
[Farrah]
after the domino maze falls
where you're sitting on the floor
surrounded by what is now just a giant mess.
[Stacey] Hey, Farrah.
Do you need a ride?
What? No.
Okay, look, I know that you don't think
I'm the most trustworthy person in the world,
but we were best friends for a really, really long time.
-Stacey-- -And there's no way that
what I just heard in that gym
is what really happened.
I know you.
That wasn't you.
It was.
I'm not buying it.
Look, you don't have to tell me the real story.
I trust that what you said was for the right reasons.
I just wanna go home.
Okay, I'll take you home.
[Farrah] In that moment
with the dominoes scattered all around you,
you're left with two choices.
[engine starts]
Either pack up your dominoes
and find another game...
or pick up that first domino and make a move,
because your next play needs to be even better.
♪ Even though we collapse ♪
♪ Collapse ♪
♪ We collapse ♪
If you are struggling and need support
as a lesbian, gay, bisexual,
transgender, or questioning youth,
call The Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386.
It's free, confidential,
and trained counselors are there 24/7
to listen without judgment.
Music featured in this episode of
♪ Collapse ♪
♪ We're together ♪
♪ You and I ♪
♪ Birds of a feather ♪
♪ Way up high ♪
♪ If only yesterday ♪
♪ I knew all that I know today ♪
♪ Finally it's okay ♪
♪ To just let go and love ♪
♪ Let go and love ♪