GIVE HER A WARM WELCOME.
THE INCREDIBLY TALENTED ATSUKO OKATSUKA, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT!
WHOO!
YEAH!
WHOO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, MY GOD I LOVE YOU!
HI!
OH, MY GOD WHOO!
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S A SHOT!
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GET TO IT.
YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU.
PEOPLE THINK I'M MATURE, THEY DO.
PEOPLE THINK I'M MATURE BECAUSE I'M MARRIED, YEAH.
BUT I WOULD ARGUE THAT GETTING MARRIED IS THE CHILD, LIKE,
THING TO DO.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, YEAH, BECAUSE MARRIED
PEOPLE, WHAT DO THEY SAY?
THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, I FOUND MY BEST FRIEND!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, THAT'S VERY CHILD,
LIKE, YEAH.
JUST EVERYTHING WE OWN, SPLIT IT IN HALF!
THAT WAY, IT'S HALF AND HALF.
WE GET TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER ALL THE TIME!
THAT'S MARRIED PEOPLE.
YEAH, VERY CHILD LIKE, VERY CHILD LIKE.
YEAH, MEAN WHILE, IF YOU'RE SINGLE AND HAVING TO DATE
AROUND, THAT'S VERY ADULT.
IT IS, YEAH, YEAH, BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE AND HAVING TO DATE
AROUND, YOU HAVE TO DO THINGS LIKE GET TO PLACES ON TIME.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
YOU HAVE TO BE INTERESTING.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
YOU HAVE TO SEEM EMOTIONALLY STABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE ON LIKE A
FIRST DATE.
THERE'S A LOT AT STAKE.
DO YOU WANT TO BE ALONE FOREVER?
NO.
OKAY?
YEAH, SO IF ANY OF YOU HERE ARE SINGLE AND HAVING TO DATE
AROUND, I COMMEND YOU.
I COMMEND YOU.
YES, YES, GIVE IT UP FOR YOURSELVES.
YES!
WHOO!
OH.
YOU ARE WAY MORE ADULT THAN THE MARRIED COUPLE.
YEAH, BECAUSE BACK TO THE MARRIED COUPLE, WHAT ARE WE
SAYING?
WE'RE SAYING THINGS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FREVER AND
FOREVER TILL DEATH TO US PART.
HOW DO WE KNOW?
BECAUSE THESE RINGS SAID SO.
( APPLAUSE ) VERY CHILD LIKE.
VERY CHILD LIKE.
I AM A CHILD.
YEAH.
BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU, THE OTHER DAY, I DID TOUCH TONGUES
WITH A STRANGER'S DOG.
I DID.
LISTEN, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY, I SAW A DOG BEING WALKED
BY ITS OWNER, SO I GOT EXCITED.
I BENT DOWN TO PET IT AND IT STARTED LICKING MY FACE.
I OPENED MY MOUTH TO TALK, SO, BOOM, CONTACT.
TONGUE TO TONGUE.
YEAH.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, OKAY, I LET IT GIVE ME A FEW MORE.
I DID.
( LAUGHTER ) I DID.
BECAUSE LIFE IS HARD.
BECAUSE LIFE IS HARD, AND I WAS, LIKE, I'M GOING TO GET LOVE
WHEREVER I CAN.
RIGHT HERE WILL DO.
YEAH.
LET ME TELL YOU, THE OWNER OF THE DOG, SHE HATED IT.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE DID NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.
SHE GAVE AN AUDIBLE.
SHE WAS, LIKE, EWE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
FOR SOME REASON, I JUST SAID TO HER, DON'T WORRY, I'M MARRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND.
>> UH, SHE REALLY DIDN'T LIKE THAT.
BUT HERE'S THE THING, OKAY -- I DON'T DO WELL WITH FEELINGS OF
SHAME OR FEELINGS OF EMBARRASSMENT, SO ANYTIME
SOMEONE CALLS ME OUT, I JUST GO FOR THE JUGULAR.
ANYTIME SOMEONE SAYS, ATSUKO, WHY DID YOU DO THAT OR SAY THAT?
I GO, WELL, I NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE ANYWAY.
I JUST GIVE OPINION RIGHT ON YOU.
ATSUKO, WHY DID YOU DO THAT OR SAY THAT?
I ALWAYS GO, WELL, YOU KNOW, NONE OF US HAD A CHOICE, DID WE?
AND I'M A FIRM BELIEVER IN THAT STATEMENT.
I REALLY AM.
I'M A FIRM BELIEVER IN THAT STATEMENT.
LIFE, ALL OF US IN HERE, ALL OF YOU, OKAY, BEING BIRTHED IS THE
ULTIMATE -- I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SITUATION THAT WE WERE ALL PUSHED INTO, OKAY.
NONE OF US HAD TO SAY, WE ALL COME OUT CRYING IS WHAT I'M
SAYING.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S ALL TERRIFYING, OKAY, NONE OF US HAD A SAY.
IT WAS OUR MOTHER'S IDEA.
SHE WAS, LIKE, HERE'S A GIFT, HERE'S A SURPRISE LIFT.
YOU LIVE HERE NOW.
YOU LIVE HERE NOW!
OPEN YOUR EYES!
WE GET PUSHED OUT, WE START CRYING.
OH, MY GOD WHAT IS THIS PLACE?
CUT TO, AN ADULT GROWN MAN IN THE SAME ROOM SNEEZING 30 TIMES
IN A ROW, ACHU, ACHU, ACHU!
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S YOUR FATHER.
THAT IS YOUR FATHER.
HE CANNOT GET IT TOGETHER.
( LAUGHTER ) SEASONAL ALLERGIES, YOU WILL
PROBABLY GET IT, TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW I WAS PUSHED OUT INTO
THIS EARTH, TO A SNEEZING FATHER!
( LAUGHTER ) LIFE IS FRICKIN' SCARY, IS WHAT
I'M SAYING.
SO -- I'M SORRY I MADE OUT WITH YOUR DOG.
( LAUGHTER ) I -- NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE
ANYWAY.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH, ATSUKO
OKATSUKA, THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: THAT WAS ATSUKO
OKATSUKA.
SHE'S GOING NATIONWIDE WITH TICKETS AVAILABLE AT ATSUKO
OKATSUKA.com.
WE'LL BE BACK, EVERYBODY!
THAT WAS AMAZING!